36. Remember to Breathe

1865 SPRING

36

Ipacked our home alone. Brett's belongings would return to the Chisholms for their own disposal or revered use. Mine, along with Katie's, were packed haphazardly, for I no longer cared about my material objects. Besides, all my dresses were to be dyed black now. Dull and heavy, Katie and I were moved back into the Mathis house, while the Chisholms prepared the cottage for sale.

The day I arrived at the Mathis home, Nora met us at the door, followed by Renny, Seth, and Mrs. Mathis. They all wore sad smiles when they greeted me. I wondered, for a moment, if my return reminded them John would never return, but then they told me the news President Lincoln had been shot. And it felt necessary we were together to process the tragedy. We gathered around the table for supper.

"I hope they catch everyone involved and they all get what's coming to them!" Seth said, pounding his fist in his hand.

"Oh, Seth," Nora said, grasping her brother's arm. "Do you think this means the war will resume?"

Katie grabbed my hand, hoping to find comfort by my side.

"I don't know, Nora. I hope so, just so I can find those bastards and slit their throats!"

"Seth!" Mrs. Mathis exclaimed, looking at him in shock. "There are innocent ears!"

"Please, Seth, Katie?—"

"I'm sure it's nothing she hasn't heard before. Right, Katie, my sweet?" He nudged her chin.

Katie giggled at the attention he paid her.

"For goodness' sake, Seth." I pulled Katie closer to my side.

"What?" he said, appearing baffled. He shrugged his shoulders at my accusing glare.

"Seth," Mrs. Mathis scolded, "let's keep that kind of talk to a minimum at the dinner table."

"Yes, Ma."

"Thank you." Mrs. Mathis poured us all some wine. "Now, I know it is going to be hard to go through the rest of the day knowing that President Lincoln has departed, but we must do it. We are welcoming Ella and Katie home."

Home. I wanted to breathe in that word and fill my limbs with it.

"If John were here with us right now," she continued, "he would tell us to go on fighting the brave fight, no matter what comes knocking. I think he would also tell us that we have nothing to worry about because our government has everything under control, and they'll take care of us so no further harm will come to the Union. Everyone is too tired of fighting. We're at peace now, and I'm certain everyone wishes to keep it that way. It is only a slim minority, such as this Booth character, who think the war is still going on, so we have nothing to worry about. Mr. Johnson will see us through this tragedy. Before we eat, let us pray for Mrs. Lincoln and for our country."

She bowed her head, and her prayer was full of gratitude. I couldn't help but hide my emotion behind a secret smile when she thanked God Katie and I had returned to where we were meant to be.

Festivities were arranged … parades for returning troops, soirees, church picnics, and a grand ball at Governor Smith's home. There was so much joy and relief, but a shadow still hung over everyone. The president was gone, and so were so many. Disbelief the war was over made the celebrations feel insincere. People reveled in the victory but did it hesitantly, as if it could all be taken away from us again.

Renny, Nora, and I followed Mrs. Mathis into the ballroom where tables were laden with dishes of homemade food upon linen tablecloths and surrounded by flower vases. It almost reminded me of an elegant, indoor church picnic. Already, the military band was setting up on the makeshift stage to play for entertainment. After we girls had finished helping Mrs. Mathis set out our prepared dishes, we all retired to a corner where Margaret sat with baby John on her knees. Cole already disappeared to speak to a client about business.

"Nora," Margaret jested as soon as we sat down, "why don't you go stand with all the other young, unmarried girls?"

Across the room, a group of young girls giggled and flirted with the uniformed soldiers. Nora was five to ten years older than most of them. She scoffed.

"I'm certain one of those handsome men would dance with you."

Nora glared at her older sister. "Why not ask yourself the same question?"

"Nora!" Mrs. Mathis said, astonished by her sarcasm.

"I'm a married woman—with a baby! I have no need for dancing."

Nora rolled her eyes.

"What's the matter, darling?" Mrs. Mathis asked, her eyes softening with compassion as she grasped her daughter's hand.

"I'm sorry, Ma. I think I'm just going to find something to drink." Nora excused herself. She walked off before I even had a chance to ask her if she needed company.

"What has gotten into her?" Margaret asked as soon as she was out of earshot.

"I don't know, dear. She has been acting depressed ever since last week. Do you know anything amiss, Renny?"

Renny shook her head. "She hasn't confided in me recently. It's hard to read her sometimes."

"Ella, has she said anything to you?"

I did not know if I was allowed to tell them of her concerns about Bradley House or if I should keep it confidential. She was worried he would not be returning home. It was not my place to share. "No, she hasn't."

Seth was bringing Katie over, her hands grasping two doughnuts.

"Excuse me," I said, before they approached. I wanted to get away before they inquired more about Nora and to intercept Seth, who was surely spoiling Katie's supper.

"Mama! Look what I got!" It warmed my heart at hearing her refer to me as such, and I could not get over the fact she was mine. Look at her now, Robert.

"Have, darling," I corrected her.

"Look what I have," she said, showing me the two greasy doughnuts.

"I see. You're going to have to wait and eat them after you have your meal."

"May I at least have one?"

"I told her she could have them," Seth explained, his charming smirk reminding me so much of John.

"Seth, you're of no help." I sighed. "Very well, you may have one doughnut before dinner, but you must promise to save the other one until afterward."

"Thank you, Mama!" And she immediately stuck half a doughnut in her mouth.

Seth and I both laughed at her eagerness, and her cheeks filled like a chipmunk.

"Chew well before swallowing or you might choke," I warned her. "There are seats waiting for you." I gestured to where Mrs. Mathis and his sisters sat, and I went to find Nora.

As the crowd of flirting girls and young soldiers dispersed onto the dance floor at the first strike of the band, I found Nora in a lonely alcove with a champagne flute in her hand. She did not notice my approach, or if she did, she did not let on. Her eyes stared into the alcove's dark shadows.

"Nora?"

She took another sip of champagne. "Margaret's always known how to get a rise out of me. I wish she'd bite her tongue, especially when she knows I'm practically engaged."

"Have you heard any word from him?"

"No, but I'm sure I will soon, now that they're all starting to return. It should be any day now, I would assume. It would be hard to believe he would not come home alive after so many have died." She took another sip. "God wouldn't take Bradley too. That would mean I'm destined to be an old maid like Ma and Margaret believe me to be."

"I'm sure you won't be an old maid, Nora. If not the wife of Bradley House, then surely the wife of someone just as worthy."

"I'd rather be a widow like yourself. You are the only wise woman I have known my whole twenty-six years. You did what you needed to do to survive in this world."

"I haven't been all that wise, Nora." I had so many regrets.

She gripped my hand, and we sat there in the shadows of the alcove until neither one of us felt so alone, and we both remembered to breathe.