15. Letter of Intention

1864 WINTER

15

Iconfined myself to my bed. Kay brought delicious food to tempt me out from under the warm blankets, but I couldn't eat. Katie came knocking on the door once, wanting me to read to her, but I couldn't even find the motivation to enjoy a storybook. Kay shooed her away, telling her to be a good girl and play in the nursery.

Every so often, I thought I heard the sound of voices and the jangle of the horses' harness. Eventually, Seth and Thad came home on top of their mounts, John's empty horse trailing behind them. I stood before the window for a long time afterward, hoping to see his shadow coming down the lane, but knowing I may never see him again. The cold penetrated my body, and I crept back into bed, my heart heavy.

As the day wore on and the sky grew dark, the weather worsened, and fatigue settled into my bones. By nightfall, I could not get out of bed. My head pounded, my mouth tasted sour, and my tongue was thick and dry in my mouth. My stomach throbbed with hunger, but I was too nauseous to eat.

For days afterward, I battled fever. Mrs. Mathis kept Katie away. Other than the care of Kay and Mrs. Mathis, I was left alone to fight it. In my dreams, I cried out to John. I cried out to God to protect him. And I begged God to give me the strength to face Ethan when the time came—because I knew there would be a reckoning.

My bed and clothes were boiled, the rest scrubbed clean. It was scarlet fever. Thank goodness no one else contracted it.

I, too, was scrubbed clean.

My hair was damp, making me shiver. The fire in the hearth and the heated bricks beneath the mattress did little to warm me. I shivered throughout my sponge bath, my eyes pinched, not wanting to see my jaundiced skin. Kay assured me my skin color would return, that the infected skin would peel away to new skin. A piece of skin had peeled from behind my ear, making me shudder with the unpleasant feeling.

Humming, Kay waddled into the room with a tray of warm chamomile tea, toast, and the recent post.

"What are you so gleeful about?" I asked, somewhat annoyed by her happiness when my head still pounded.

"Why, have ye seen the sun this afternoon?" She gestured to drapes covering the window.

"No, the shades have been closed," I grumbled.

"Well …" Kay hastened to the drapes and pulled them back, making my eyes squint from the brightness. "It's mighty pretty, shining down on the pearly white snow. So glad that storm is over."

I pulled the blankets tighter around me and turned my head away from the blinding sun. "Maybe we should wait for the sun awhile longer."

Kay came to my bedside, her hands on her hips. "Ye will enjoy the sun as it lasts. It will do ye good, it will. And I won't hear any complaining either."

"Yes, Kay."

She left the room, smiling to herself, glad I obeyed her commands. Kay was always quiet and gentle, but there were moments when she would bark orders like a sergeant.

Still squinting, I took up the two letters. I fumbled opening the envelope. Mother wrote, her elegant, scrolled handwriting emphasizing her disappointment in my "boisterous" and "reckless" conduct at the Christmas party, reminding me I'm a guest in the Mathis home. The guilt and shame I already beat myself with came anew. She and Pa were praying for my health and asked me to return her letter with a report of my well-being. She ended the letter with news on Ethan. Last they heard, he was near Fredericksburg, Virginia in league with a Rebel officer, but there was no other news.

I gave a sigh and set her letter down, picking up the other letter—from John.

My blood quickened. Gulping, I broke the seal. It was a brief message, scrawled with a hurried hand.

Dear Ella,

I must begin this letter with my extended apology. My forwardness was uncouth and only caused you discomfort, and I apologize. I guarantee you that my intentions were true and honorable. I should have warned you what was coming, but my actions came as a surprise to myself as well. You have a way of arresting me. Still, I do not regret telling you how I feel.

You are continually in my thoughts. Not only is the reason for this letter an apology, but I also want to inform you of my true intentions and to tell you who you are to me. I can assure you this is not a letter of love. I cannot compare this letter to all our other correspondences. For those were love letters, even if you did not realize. I've loved you since the first day I laid eyes on you, which is the truth. I promise you I do not confess my love to dishonor Robert's memory, nor do I wish to replace him in your heart. You constantly infuriate me and make me madly jealous. I want you more than I ever wanted any other woman, and I could wait for you forever, if I must. I tell myself that I will have you, and I ask you now, could you love me too? I drive myself mad thinking about this. I've felt for no other as I feel for you.

At the present moment, I am on the train, returning from my furlough, leaving my home and family, and leaving you. I will post this at the next depot. I hope you are well and that I have not caused you too much grief. I apologize once again for my behavior. Please forgive me.

If you wish to write a reply, please send to our winter encampment, Camp Barnes in Beverly Ford, Virginia.

Patiently waiting,

John Mathis

I shivered and pulled the comforter up to my chin, dropping the letter on top of Mother's. To find the words I wanted to say to him, to speak them aloud … I was falling in love with him.