Chapter 37

CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

LAKE

60 bobas left until we both die …

Tam didn’t come to my bedroom last night.

I wanted him to, but I guess I wasn’t giving off the right cues or signals.

“Shit.” I sit on my bed, thumbnail in my mouth. I’ve got on a loose T-shirt that falls to my thighs. The sunshine is generous and abundant this morning, spilling in gold and white waves over my bed. The skylight and all the windows are cracked, sheer white curtains billowing in a gentle breeze.

It’s a nice day.

Is Tam still here? Did he leave last night? If he is still here, for how long?

He’s one of the world’s busiest men, but he came here for a barbeque.

Tam really does like me, doesn’t me? Not enough to break the curse, so it’s not love. But he’s got a crush. I also, you know, figured that we’d have sex last night. That’s not the only reason I invited him to stay here, but I thought we were on the same page.

He sucked his own blood from my fingers.

The stairs creak, and I tense, waiting to see Tam, but it’s only Joules. I sigh and turn my head to look out the window.

“He’s still passed out on that bed downstairs. If you want him, you should go and wake him up. He fucking snores.”

“He does not,” I growl back, turning to glare at Joules. “I’ve seen him sleep plenty of times, and he was fine. He makes these little sighs and murmurs. It’s cute.”

“You’re disgusting,” Joules says with a shudder, lifting his coffee mug in my direction. “Since I can tell that your not-boyfriend/boss wants me to leave, I’ll go out today and I won’t come back until midnight or so. Sound alright to you?”

“Do whatever you want,” I respond coolly, but I wait for the sound of Joules’ car in the driveway before I get up. I head downstairs and pause on the second-floor landing, listening.

The house is quiet.

We’re alone.

I go straight to Tam’s door, open it, and find myself looking up at him.

He’s shirtless, and the only thing I’m wearing is a shirt.

“Good morning.” Tam lifts a hand and cups the side of my face, running a thumb over my cheekbone. My skim thrums with the contact, and my lips part. He drags his thumb down and traces over them, too. I can’t even move.

“Good morning,” I whisper back, and then he chuckles and drops his hand to his side. “Did you sleep okay?”

“I’ve gotten more sleep since I met you than I’ve had in the last ten years combined. So, thank you for that, Lake.”

I’m feeling guilty for being disappointed that he didn’t come upstairs. Damn. No, I’m glad that he was able to get some sleep.

“We’re alone right now,” I tell him, just to see what his reaction is going to be.

It’s exactly what I was hoping for.

He circles my waist with his hands, pushing me a few steps back until I hit the wall. Tam is leaning down, putting his forehead to mine and exhaling against my lips. Kiss me, I think, and he shifts, putting one knee between my thighs.

I curl my fingers over his shoulders to stay standing, closing my eyes against the rush of feeling.

His naked upper half is pressed into my clothed upper half. My naked lower half is pressed into his clothed lower half. It isn’t fair. We’re mismatched right now.

“Did you want me to come upstairs? I couldn’t tell. I’m really bad at reading signals like that. You might have to be more blatant with me at first.” Tam angles into me, using the wall to press as close as possible without actually taking his pants off. “Would you let me fuck you, Lakelynn?” he whispers, and then the front door opens, and I can hear both of my uncles and my dad.

Uhh.

Tam takes a huge step back, releasing me completely. I stay where I am, my back to the wall.

“Lake, are you upstairs? Can you move your new car to the driveway? I sold the LeSabre this morning. I left the money on the table for you.” My dad is yelling for me from the foyer, but he can’t see either of us from where he’s standing.

Tam and I stare at each other.

“Lake?” I hear my dad’s footsteps on the stairs and move in that direction.

“Yeah, I’m here. Let me get dressed, and I’ll take care of it.” Tam and I stare at each other again, and he rubs the back of his neck, a strange smile on his face.

“Go,” he whispers, lifting a hand in the direction of the third-floor steps. “We’ll pick this up later.”

Oh God.

I go upstairs, yank on some pants, and snatch up my new keys.

Tam gave me a vintage car for my birthday.

What do I even make of that?

I move the car, so my dad and uncles can fawn over it (that was their primary goal), and head back inside to find Tam sitting at the dining table.

“Are you hungry?” I ask him, and he looks up at me like I’m crazy. I pretend like I don’t remember what he said to me upstairs. I have the memory of a goldfish. I do not recall. If I tell him my answer now, we might end up on that table, and this isn’t a great place for that right now.

I want privacy. I know Tam wants privacy.

We’re both waiting for it.

“I’m starving,” he admits, giving me a boyish smile as he stands up. But then we’re both thinking about the hallway, and his smile hitches up into something feral. “Let me take you out somewhere.”

“No, let me make you some food here. All you do is travel and go out. Stay home today, and we can wait for ramen in Japantown.” I move around him and into the kitchen, struggling to breathe normally.

I start digging through cabinets, trying to figure out what to make him.

Tam takes a seat at the kitchen island, like he did in the rental house.

“Would you let me fuck you, Lakelynn?”

“Yes.”

I’m blushing as I gather up the items for a quiche. Sounds complicated, but it’s really not. I have one of Joe’s recipes for this, and my mother’s ridiculously well-stocked kitchen. It’s like living in a grocery store. Nothing is ever missing.

“The human composting thing,” Tam says, and I pause to look at him. “I like that. I’ve never heard of it before.”

“It’s a relatively new burial option,” I whisper back, and I can’t stop myself from thinking about Joe. The day after my birthday was always our day, just me and him. No Joules. We’d go do things that Joules hates, like mini golf or bowling. Just me and Joe. For my entire life. My whole life.

Until now.

This is the second birthday that we won’t go out together and have fun, and I will never, ever get to do that again.

I set the eggs down on the counter and put a hand over my mouth.

It hits me at the most random times, all that missing.

Tam notices, but I remember that he’s been noticing this about me since the day we met in the fairy-tale boba shop.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks gently, and I shake my head.

“Let’s have quiche, and then we can play croquet in the backyard. It’s uneven and the grass is too long. You’ll love it.” I start to mix things as Tam watches quietly, the interaction from upstairs hanging over us like a ghost.

It’s in the shadow of every glance, in the sweep of eyelashes with every blink. The want is there in every breath, in every stuttering exhale when we look at each other. It’s in the gentle scraping of Tam’s fingertips against the countertop, and the ache inside my lower belly.

I add an apron to spare my clothes before I start whisking, and Tam makes a startled sound when he sees what’s on it.

“Holy shit,” he says, and I look down to see that the apron says Mrs. Tam Eyre.

“Damn you, Lynn!” I yell, just as the front door opens and Lynn comes pouring in with Maria and all of my friends. “This apron is getting me into trouble.”

“Well hello, Mrs. Tam Eyre,” Lynn teases as she comes into the kitchen to stand beside me. We both stare Tam down, but all he does is smile back at me. “Doesn’t she look cute in this?”

“She looks cute in everything,” Tam says, and I almost drop the bowl. Lynn catches it for me. “Even when she’s wearing a foam tambourine or a popcorn hat.”

“Do you care if we hang out here with you today?” Lynn asks, giving me a look. If I want her to leave, she’ll take the girls and go.

But I shake my head.

“Please, stay with us and play some uneven, lumpy grass croquet. It’s my second day-after without Joe.”

“Will do,” Lynn replies softly, and I can tell that Tam is watching me. He wants to know, but I’m still not ready to go there with him yet. He knows enough.

Our eyes meet again.

“Would you let me fuck you, Lakelynn?”

“Yes.”

My cousins leave a few hours later, taking Chloe, Luna, and Ella with them. They were all on their best behavior with Tam, but I didn’t expect anything less. I trust them all implicitly, and so Tam trusts them, too. He doesn’t say anything when Chloe gets out her phone, doesn’t react when Lynn wants to take a group picture at the end of our croquet game.

But now they’re gone, and Tam and I are walking up the stairs side by side.

He says he has to get his things and go, drive back to Atlanta tonight.

I want him to stay so badly that I can’t breathe.

“Can I ask you something?” he asks gently, turning to face me on the second floor.

“Go for it,” I reply, trying to keep things casual. My parents are downstairs in the kitchen, and like I said, I really, really want privacy for this. We won’t have it here.

“Did you ask your friends to stay here so that I’d behave myself?” He smiles crookedly when he asks, reaching up and putting a hand on the back of my head. I let my eyes drift closed and ignore the sound of Joules opening the front door at the bottom of the stairs.

“Yes,” I whisper, eyes still closed. But I’m not just answering the question he asked. I’m also answering the one from earlier, and he knows it. “I’m in a vulnerable position because of the curse; I want you to work a little harder for my affection.”

Tam pushes forward, and I pull back. It’s a tenuous dance, one that we both know we’re participating in.

This is a hardcore act of flirtation, this careful back-and-forth that we’re cultivating. Tam is going to tell me goodbye right now, and then we won’t see each other for days. When we do see each other, it’ll be at a crowded airport surrounded by people.

We won’t get a lot of moments like this.

I open my eyes to find him leaning close to me, like he might kiss me. Tam slides his hand against the side of my neck, thumb tracing down the length of my throat. I shudder in his hands, and he whispers the words against my mouth.

“Okay.” A husky rasp over pale lips. “Okay, I’ll try harder,” Tam says back to me, and then he lets me go.

“Your ride is here,” Joules calls up, likely trying to break the tension between me and Tam.

I bet the curse breaks when we go further together.

I’m convinced of it.

I step around Tam, and he retreats into the spare bedroom to grab his bag. On his way past, he pauses to give me back my journal.

“Did you read the screenshots that I sent?” he asks, and I did.

He told me all sorts of things about himself, about his dad, the best memories he has with his mom. He asked me a bunch of questions that I’m still working on answering. Lots of adorable pictures, too. Tam Eyre certainly knows how to take a good selfie. Each one is as pretty as the photo cards he sells at his concerts.

And here I have him, petting my throat and telling me that he’ll try harder.

I try not to think about how lucky I am. Not everyone gets a Match who’s willing to actively try to fall in love. That’s a level of dedication that I should write about in my journal.

“I did read them,” I admit, and Tam nods.

“Good.” He smiles at me again, and then heads down the stairs to the door. “I’ll see you in San Francisco, okay?” he calls out, but that string is in my throat, and my brain is that shiny mylar balloon.

I just wave at him, and then the front door is shutting, and I’m sliding down to sit on the top step with a groan.

Joules joins me, passing over one of the two bobas in his hand.

Oh, mine is watermelon.

My cheeks flush as I unwrap the straw and stab it into the broken heart design that decorates my lid. Is this a sign of the future to come? I frown and then peel the lid off prematurely, tucking the trash into my pocket.

“I can’t believe you punched him in the face. One boba isn’t going to make up for your crap, Joules Frost.”

He laughs softly beside me, sipping on his own drink. When I glance over at him, there’s a flash of melancholy in those usually handsome features. It’s an emotion I recognize from last year, the same face he wore in those final few weeks before Joe and Marla died.

“It’ll be okay,” I tell him, putting my hand on his knee. “Tam and I are vibing. I think he likes me.”

“He likes you alright,” Joules says, putting his hand over the top of mine. “Trust me: a guy like that doesn’t stand still and let someone else punch him in the face without retaliating unless he really wants something. In this case, my little sister.”

“We have two months,” I remind Joules, and he squeezes my hand a little more tightly. “Do you think we’ll be okay?”

“When Marla invited Joe out for that picnic, and they kissed for the first time, I was sure they’d make it through. I don’t want you to get complacent, okay?” Joules turns to look at me, and his face softens. “Just because you … did what you did for him, that doesn’t mean he’s going to fall in love. Some people have sex with people they don’t know very well or don’t like much.”

“Can you stop? I’ve been celibate by choice, not because I’m na?ve. I know that he doesn’t love me, Joules.” I hold out my left arm and turn my wrist up so that we can both see the mark. It shimmers with a gold edge for the briefest of seconds, and then Tam is popping back in the front door.

“Sorry, I forgot my phone,” he whispers, slipping into the kitchen. When he pauses at the bottom of the stairs to look up at me, I can hear the sound of his husky voice echoing in my head. Okay. Okay, I’ll try harder. “See you in San Fran, Canoe.”

Tam disappears outside, and I freeze up. Joules slowly turns his head to look at me.

“You’re letting him call you Canoe now? That’s my nickname.”

“You do realize that if this works out, that I’ll probably end up spending more time with Tam than with you.”

Joules makes a sound of sheer frustration and shakes his head, standing up and ruffling my hair in a mean, big brotherly sort of way. Tam slides his fingers through my hair like it’s an experience. I sigh happily and sip my drink.

“As much as I’m going to miss you, I hope you’re right about that.” Joules heads down the hallway and disappears into his old bedroom. His current bedroom.

I stand up to head to my own room when my gaze catches on the wall in the hallway. I can still feel Tam’s hands on my waist, his breath in my hair.

“Would you let me fuck you, Lakelynn?”

“Yes.”