Chapter 20

Idecided to go home last night, but Nola stayed with me because she refused to leave me alone.

She had the bright idea to bring the dodgy bottle of Tequila, so we finally had that shot and about ten more. Today I woke feeling fucking horrendous and pissed off at myself. Mainly because I had to drag my arse to a phone shop. The only numbers that occupy my phone are Nola's, Eden's and his sister's. It's a depressing reality, realising that I don't want to speak to anyone else nor have the mental capacity to do so.

"You sure you don't want me to stay again? I don't mind," Nola says, looking at me with a soft expression. I hate these sentimental looks she keeps giving me. I know she means well, but it's not our usual dynamic and makes me feel pathetic.

"No, it's ok. I need to spend a night alone eventually."

I've pretty much convinced myself that Dr Evil is going to come knocking on my door to put a bullet through my head for ruining his operation, but my irrational thoughts shouldn't be Nola's burden.

"I know, but it's only been a few days, Kai. You've been through something extremely traumatic. You need time to adjust back to normality."

"You sound like a bloody therapist." I tut, rolling my eyes.

Nola places her chipped, spotty mug on the dining room table and squeezes my hand affectionately before pulling away.

"Talking of therapists, here."

She reaches into her handbag and then slides a crumpled piece of paper across the table.

"What's this?" I ask, unfolding the sheet.

"I know I'm awful at talking about emotional things, but I did some research last night and gathered the numbers of local therapists specialising in situations like yours."

I scan the names, numbers and brief descriptions of what each therapist does. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I croak, "Thanks."

Nola's right, she's terrible at dealing with emotional shit. So, the fact she went out of her way to gather this information feels monumental. I wouldn't even know where to begin when searching for support, but her handing it to me on a silver platter proves why she's such a good friend.

The floodgates open, cheeks dampening before I can even attempt to hold back the tears.

"Shit, sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry. You don't need to call them right away. There's no pressure."

"No, it's not that. I'm just glad I have you. My support circle is pretty slim, but somehow you manage to more than make up for it. I love you."

She squints, then suddenly covers her face and mumbles behind her hands, "Hate you."

"Nola, are you crying?"

Standing up with her hands still hiding her face she leans down to hug me, burying her face in my neck.

"Absolutely not, I don't do mutual crying, it's fucking weird," Nola murmurs against me.

A trickle of dampness coats the crook of my neck. I try to pull her away to witness it for myself, but she grapples with me.

"Don't you fucking dare, I'll bite you. I did it when we were five, and I'll do it again."

A chuckle creeps out, and warmness spreads throughout my chest. I don't have much right now, but I have her.

"How could I forget? My mum chased you down the street with a broom."

Nola snorts a laugh and then holds me closer.

My throat tightens at the thought of my mum. Does she know what I went through? Did Nola's parents tell her I was abducted? Would she even care? I force these melancholy thoughts aside and continue hugging her until we successfully stop crying.

* * *

It's been a few hours since Eden and I exchanged goodnight texts. He asked me to stay over tonight, but I need to prove to myself that I can sleep alone. If I can do that, it proves I'm not completely helpless. But it's 2:30 a.m., and I'm currently on my hands and knees deep cleaning the oven I've barely used.

I attempted to sleep, but every time I closed my eyes, I was either faced with my parents' disapproving looks, Devlin's corpse, or Jeremy bleeding out. So, I'd much rather scrub my minging flat until I pass out from the fumes.

As I'm about to crack on with the extractor fan, my phone beeps. I snatch a tea towel off the side and rapidly dry my hands. There's only one person it could be, and there's a slight flutter in my stomach.

Eden 2:36:You awake?

Kai 2:37:Very awake. I'm currently deep cleaning my kitchen. You ok?

Eden 2:37:Can I call you?

Kai 2:38:Always x

Five long minutes pass, and I start getting antsy. Surely, he didn't fall asleep in the time it took me to reply. I pace my tiny apartment, chewing on my non-existent nails and picking the skin around them. I wince when the corner of my thumb bleeds and have to consciously force myself to stop.

When another five minutes pass, I splash my face with ice-cold water from the kitchen tap, hoping it will knock some sense into me. As I'm patting my face dry, my phone rings. I fumble to unlock my shiny new phone with damp fingers, but it won't open. So, I wipe it on my black booty shorts and punch in my pin, almost dropping it in the sink as I do.

"Hi," I squeak out, my voice higher than usual.

"Hi, baby. Sorry, I was making a cup of tea."

Of course, that's what he was doing. He didn't miraculously die in his sleep or decide to start ghosting me, but evidently, my weak-ass mind likes to play tricks on me.

"It's ok. I was finishing up my spring clean anyway." I try to sound aloof, but I was a few minutes away from calling an Uber and turning up at his front door.

"Good, I take it you can't sleep either?"

"Nope, sleep when I'm dead, I guess."

Being dead seems rather appealing right now. I shake my head, trying to banish such thoughts.

"Well, that's a long way off, so you should try and rest."He awkwardly chuckles.

"Unfortunately," I grunt.

The word leaves my mouth before I have time to consider its weight. I'm not sure when I became so morbid. Maybe it was when Devlin died, or perhaps it was when I was bound in the back of the car and Eden's life was in my hands. I wish I could go back, press pause and erase the moment that my mental health snapped, and my worst memories came rushing back.

"Kai, please don't say that."He sighs heavily.

"I'm only joking," I lie.

"No, you're not."

I don't know how to respond because he's right. It's like I've lost all my ability to joke. I spent years creating the perfect snarky persona that no one could see through, but the past two weeks have stripped me bare. I'm hanging on by a tiny thread.

He thinks you're crazy. You're being weird. He feels sorry for you. He doesn't want you any more.

I'm so caught up in my internal annihilation that I don't hear Eden trying to get my attention.

"Kai, speak to me,"Eden says loudly, making me jump.

"Sorry, I was just thinking."

"Thinking what? You were quiet for like a minute."

"I'm sorry, I don't want to dump my baggage on you. I just need to fix myself first, and maybe we can be together."

"You don't need to fix anything. You're not broken, Kai. You're hurting and dealing with trauma, but that doesn't mean you're broken."

I scoff. "I spent a good hour today googling the easiest ways to kill myself. Tell me that isn't crazy. Tell me I'm not broken."

Thick layers of shame engulf me. There I go again, chucking another live bomb into his lap, hoping he'll defuse it.

"What's your flat number? I'm coming over."Eden's voice trembles.

"Calm down. I'm not actually gonna do anything. I just wanted to know what my options were," I reply, attempting to sound humorous.

"Are you seriously telling me to calm down after what you've just said?"

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. This is my shit to deal with. You've put up with enough already."

"No, Kai, that's not how it works. From the moment I decided to follow you, everything changed. Your shit became my shit, and there's not a chance in hell I'm letting you go through this alone. So, tell me your fucking flat number now."

"No, I'm fine."

He audibly growls, sending a spike of lust to my groin. The fuck is wrong with me?

"I'll knock on every fucking door if I have to."

"Eden, no."

"You do realise I used to be a hacker. I can literally find it out in two minutes, but I'm trying to be respectful."

"Please, Eden, you don't understand."

"Then help me understand."Eden raises his voice.

I pull the phone away from my ringing ear before mustering up the courage to explain my logic.

"This might sound weird, but I need to spend some time alone. I need to prove to myself I can do this, stand on my own two feet."

I perch on the end of my bed and run my hand over my scalp, forgetting I no longer have hair before continuing, "The last time my life fell apart, I had nothing. My mental health was in the worst state it's ever been, and I had no choice but to become dependent on my ex and his family. At the time, I tried to convince myself I was lucky to have them, but I felt trapped. I wasn't happy with my ex but had nowhere else to go. When I finally left, I had to start from scratch. I barely had enough money to make rent and eat. I won't do that again. I won't be a burden and won't let you save me."

He's silent for several moments, and I wonder if he gets it or feels rejected.

"Kai, I'm not trying to be your saviour, and you're not a burden. You've been through hell and back. We both have. I know we have a lot of healing to do. Our romantic getting to know each other stage was stolen from us. What we went through was not the best basis for a relationship. But what happened to us doesn't have to define us. We can start again."

"What do you mean?" I mumble.

"We have a second date. Well, maybe not right away. You mentioned getting some therapy, and I'll do the same. Let's take some time to work through what happened with professionals, and when we feel ready, we can give it another shot. Without the pressure of being together instantly because of what we went through. That's not to say I don't want to make you mine right now, but if space is what you need, I respect that."

As I let what he's suggesting soak in, the pounding organ in my chest finds a steady beat. Part of me wants to go full steam ahead—tell him I love him, make him promise to never leave me, move in, and maybe even get a bloody cat. But I know that's not healthy, and we have work to do so we can be the best versions of ourselves for one another.

"Ok, I like that idea. But can we still speak?"

"Of course, I think I'd go crazy without hearing your sassy little voice every day."

I allow myself to smile at that and flop back on my bed. Butterflies that I thought had died find their way to my stomach again.

"Good, me too. But for the record, I am not sassy." I yawn through my sentences. My eyes suddenly feel heavy, and my limbs are like noodles.

Now we have some sort of agreement, my body welcomes rest. I crawl to the top of the bed and curl up on my side, balancing the phone against my ear.

"Are you tired? Do you want to go to sleep?"

"I'm getting a little sleepy, but keep talking to me."

"Ok, what do you want to talk about?"he asks, sounding almost shy now.

"Tell me a bedtime story." I yawn again.

"I can do that. What are the main themes?"

"Let's make it fantasy and extra smutty."

Eden chuckles, and I can almost feel his infectious laugh vibrate through the phone and settle around my heart.

"I can do that. How do you feel about dragon shifters getting blowjobs?"

"That depends. Are they in their human form or dragon form?"

"Dragon form, obviously."

"Even better."

He barks a laugh, and the small cracks in my heart start to seal.