Chapter 11

My face is buried deep in the crook of Eden's neck, desperately trying to breathe in his familiar scent. I'd rather suffocate on his smell than watch Jeremy chaotically mop up blood and vomit.

The repulsive smell feels like it's trying to weave its way into my skin and unwashed clothes, adding to the layers of filth. The overwhelming need for fresh air makes me snap. "Open the fucking window," I groan against Eden's neck.

"What did he say?" Jeremy mumbles.

"Could you open the window, please? We need fresh air." Despite his pleasantries, Eden's tone sounds more like a demand.

Jeremy hesitates, then says, "Fine, but only for a bit."

My head darts up. Jeremy puts the mop to the side, wiping his sweaty brow with the sleeve of his oversized hoodie.

I always assumed the window was permanently locked, but as I watch Jeremy simply flick the latch and slide the bottom half up, I give Eden a subtle look, and I know he's thinking the same. The gap is pretty wide. Wide enough for Emiliya and me to fit through, that's for sure.

As Jeremy turns around, we drop our gazes. He doesn't need to know what we're all thinking. Eden links his fingers with mine, then brings the back of my hand to his lips and gently kisses my dry knuckles. I think it's his way of saying there's still hope.

"Right, let's go," Jeremy says, gently pulling Emiliya to her feet.

She stutters to him in Bulgarian as he unlocks her chain.

"I don't know what you're saying." He speaks softly like he almost feels bad for not understanding her.

"Where are you taking her?" Eden asks, sitting forward but keeping our hands interlocked.

Jeremy twists his head to finally look at us. There are dark rings under his eyes like the shit he's seen keeps him up at night.

"She's going to the Netherlands and will be back in a few days. She'll be alright, don't worry."

Jeremy attempts a weak smile, but the glossy sheen to his eyes tells me he's close to cracking. This is the most information he's shared with us so far. I can see the guilt and shame dripping off him with every gloomy expression he shoots our way.

"Ok, thanks," Eden murmurs, sitting back and pulling me against his chest. He lightly kisses my forehead, and I snuggle closer. The warmth of his body forces my muscles to unclench against him.

"I'll be back in a few hours, alright? I'll shift this mattress, and you can get cleaned up."

My eyes unconsciously move to the blood-stained mattress opposite us, making my gut stir. I can't wait to see the back of it. It's a horrifying reminder of how we could all end up if we don't play by the rules.

"Goodbye Kai and Eden, I be ok," Emiliya says with cloudy eyes and trembling bottom lip.

My chest warms at her attempt at speaking English. I feel oddly proud despite our current turmoil.

"Yes, Emiliya, you'll be ok. You're so strong," my voice trembles, and Eden squeezes me tighter.

Emiliya slips from Jeremy's grasp and launches herself at us, engulfing Eden and me in a crushing hug. Jeremy doesn't stop us as we embrace and clutch onto each other as if our lives depend on it.

Minutes pass, silent tears falling between us. We look up when we hear the window slam shut.

"Ok, it's time to go," Jeremy mutters like he doesn't want to break it up but knows he has to.

I kiss her forehead, and Eden sweetly strokes her hair as if she's his little sister. Emiliya leans back and chokes on a sob. A heavy tear tumbles down her cheek, so I swipe it away before it splatters on the dirty ground. I force a smile, but it physically aches my cheeks. It's all I can give her right now.

Eden and I sit back and watch them leave. The heaviness of our situation feels like a physical weight on my chest, crushing my internal organs. I rest my head on Eden's shoulder, and his hand effortlessly finds mine again, like it's the only place it belongs.

It's eerily quiet, apart from our heavy breathing and thunderous heartbeats. It's our first time alone in eight days and it's an unsettling feeling. What now? After everything we witnessed today, I struggle to find the right words.

"Well, you said we'd be alone one day. I didn't expect it to be so soon, though."

"Yep, me neither," he gloomily replies.

"Shame someone had to die for that to happen. Kind of takes the romance out of it."

"Too soon, Kai." He shakes his head at me, not looking mad, more surprised than anything.

My cheeks heat with embarrassment. Eden's probably right. It's way too soon to be making jokes, but it's how my brain is hardwired.

"Sorry, I know I'm fucked up."

He nudges my head with his shoulder, forcing me to look up at his glossy eyes.

"Hey, less of that. You're not fucked up. You're processing this in your own way," he reassures, stroking his thumb across the back of my hand.

"Hmm, I guess. If we survive this, I'm going to need a lot of fucking therapy. That's all I'm saying." A tepid chuckle escapes me.

"What else?" he asks.

"What do you mean?"

"If we survive, what else?"

I look up at him and see the desperation in his eyes. He wants something worth surviving for, so I go all in, exposing what I want with him.

"If we survive, we'll have naked Sundays in bed. I'll make you a bacon sarnie and a cup of tea just how you like it. And we won't move all day. We'll have crisp bed sheets that smell like my favourite softener and you."

Eden sucks in a sharp breath and then cradles me closer, his lips brushing against my temple.

"More," he whispers.

"If we survive, I'll cook you my famous chilli. We'll drink red wine on my balcony during dusk and play cards with our favourite indie bands playing in the background."

He lets out a content hum, so I keep going.

"If we survive, I'll take you to my favourite beach in Brighton, and we'll eat fish and chips. It'll be freezing, but I'll still make you run knee-deep into the sea with me just because we can, just because we survived."

Eden pulls back and lifts my chin. His lips rain down on mine, and my heart stutters. Fireworks erupt in my core whenever he kisses me like a bright spark shining a light on our darkest hour.

Despite our dire situation, I can't help but physically react to his enchanting touch. He excites me and grounds me all at once. It's a heady mix of emotions that I've never been exposed to.

We better fucking survive because now that I've had a taste, I can't settle for anything less than a lifetime of this.

* * *

As promised, Jeremy returned to remove the blood-stained mattress. He let us shower and didn't bug us to hurry up like usual. The water was scalding hot. I'm guessing the boiler had been turned down before, but Jeremy must've known how much a hot shower would mean to us on a day like today. I viciously scrubbed every inch of my body. As far as I could tell, no blood touched me, but I felt like the remnants of Devlin's death crawled on my skin.

Jeremy even brought us fresh clothes that still had the tags on. I'm sure Dr Evil never requested that, but he did it anyway because he actually cares. Something tells me that he's been in our position before. As much as I dislike him for being part of this foul operation, I'm grateful for him, too. If he weren't here, I'd hate to imagine how much worse our captivity could be.

My fingers are twirling in Eden's damp hair when the door creaks open. I puff out a relieved exhale when I see it's only Jeremy. To my utter surprise, for once, he's not holding a Tesco bag. The contents of his deliveries have definitely improved throughout our imprisonment. Sometimes, we get salad, cold pasta pots, cereal bars and fruit, but it's always cold. I shoot up when I notice grease staining the brown paper bag clutched against his chest, and the rich smell of food hits my nostrils.

"What's in the bag, Jezza?" I eagerly ask.

"This is a one-off," he grumbles.

Eden's nostrils expand as he breathes in deeply. The sparkle behind his eyes is evidence of his senses coming alive. It warms me to see him display a hint of a smile at the promise of a hot meal.

Jeremy hands me the bag, and I rip into it with zero finesse. Eden and I look down at the spread in awe. I've never been more ecstatic to see two greasy burgers and fries.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," I chant.

"Yes, thank you," Eden says.

"It's not a big deal, ok? Eat quickly so I can get rid of the rubbish," he replies, cheeks glowing pink.

Eden smiles at me, and we waste no time digging in. The noises that come from me while I devour my meal are unholy. I'm not even sure if I moan this much when I climax, but I feel possessed.

My stomach contracts and gurgles as I shovel food down my throat. It's probably confused about being given real food after days of hardly eating. Nothing in the history of humanity has ever tasted so good. The sticky, soft bun, juicy burger, and crispy fries are what dreams are made of. Eden eyes me knowingly.

"What?" I mumble through a mouthful of food.

"Please stop making those noises. It's been a weird day, and my brain is malfunctioning."

"Oh, sorry, my bad." I chuckle, wiping mayo off the corner of my mouth with my thumb.

Eden makes a strangled groan, and I preen as desire swirls in his shimmering eyes. Maybe we're fucked up for still wanting each other after everything that's happened today, but it only confirms that this is real. Even in this cluster fuck, I can feel the bond we're building is strong. I'll never stop wanting him, even when faced with death, it seems.

His gaze drops to focus on his fries. Jeremy briefly leaves the room, returning with two takeaway cups.

"Here," he says, shoving them towards us.

I snatch it, peel off the lid and take greedy gulps of the coke. As the ice-cold liquid glides down my throat, I shiver. Jeremy watches me with wide eyes like I'm a man crazed as I continue downing the sweet nectar. Eden takes more civilised sips, trying to savour the sweet taste.

"I could snog you, Jezza," I say before obnoxiously burping.

"Please don't."

Eden laughs, covering his mouth so he doesn't spit a mouthful of food into my face. There's a weak smile coming from Jeremy, so I smile back, but his face quickly returns to the emotionless expression I've grown used to.

"Alright, give me the rubbish. Lorence will be back soon, and he'll kill me if he knows about this."

"Lorence?" I query.

"No, I mean the boss. You didn't hear that, ok? Fucking forget that name right now." Jeremy flounders, eyes growing wide.

So that's Dr Evil's real name.

"Already forgotten, he's Dr Evil to us."

Jeremy's shoulders relax and there's a flash of amusement in his eyes.

"Ok, good," he says, blowing out an unstable breath, then gathering up our rubbish and leaving without another word.

Eden lays down, pulling me with him so we're on our sides facing each other. He doesn't speak, just maps my face with his glistening eyes. He gazes at me like he's cataloguing every feature on my face and then lifts his hand and strokes the small scar that sits in the centre of my right eyebrow. I wince at the tender touch. Bitter memories of how I got the scar ambush me, making the food in my full stomach stir.

"How did you get this?" Eden hesitantly asks.

"It's a pretty messed up story."

"More messed up than what happened here today?" His eyebrows scrunch together like he's in physical pain.

"I guess not, but it's not nice," I mumble.

"You don't have to tell me, but please know if you ever want to, I'll listen. I care about you, Kai."

I inhale deeply, considering if I should let him in. Exposing myself to him changes things. It means I can no longer hide behind my jokey exterior. If he sees the real me, the slightly unhinged and insecure version of me. Will I still be enough?

"I want to tell you, but…" I feel my neck and face heat with shame.

"But what?" Eden strokes my cheek softly.

"I'm ashamed, I guess."

I've avoided discussing this event for many years because it broke me. It took me a long time to mentally recover, and I'm not sure I want to pick that scab. Only Nola knows the full extent of my abusive dad. But something about Eden makes me want to share. He makes me want to be vulnerable and pull down my carefully curated facade.

I suck in the oxygen around me and close my eyes, collecting my thoughts and organising the searing memories into a simplified version.

"You don't have to hide from me, Kai."

Eden's reassuring words force my eyes open.

"I don't want to," I reply because it's the truth. I'm done hiding the unhealed child that's trying to claw their way out of my mind.

Eden delicately kisses me, then leans back, nodding at me to continue. I swallow the saliva building up in my mouth and brace myself to bare my soul to this extraordinary man. After everything he's risked for me, he deserves to know all of me.

"Ok, so my parents are traditional, your typical heteronormative married couple. They had me later in life. My mum was almost 43 when I was born. They spent years trying to conceive, and I think they'd pretty much given up, then ta-da, I came along, their miracle baby. You'd think they'd be happy, but they'd grown to resent each other over the years. Neither of them believed in divorce because of their religious upbringing, so they stuck it out. Their marriage was cold and loveless. I spent most of my childhood walking on eggshells. My father was emotionally abusive, and my mum was dismissive. She pretended she didn't notice how he treated me," the words leave me in an almost clinical manner like this isn't a story about me.

I pause for a moment and take a deep breath because this is real, and I need to feel the truth of my words.

Eden's fingers find my earlobe, centring me and giving me the strength to continue.

"My dad knew I was different from a young age. He'd force me to walk and speak a certain way and only encourage me to play with certain children, preferably the rough and boisterous type. He tried to shove masculinity down my throat, but it wasn't me. I've always been more fluid. I was eight years old when he first called me a sissy. I knew from that point on that being queer wasn't acceptable in our household. So, I suppressed it and hid who I am."

Eden's body tenses like he's trying to hold in the anger he now harbours towards my shitty parents. I lift my hand and play with the straight strands of hair on the side of his head, needing to keep my hands busy. His soft look tells me he's still listening and wants to know more.

"I spent most of my childhood and teenage years pretending to be something I wasn't, but it was a wasted effort. My dad saw through the cracks, knew who I was and didn't like it. The older I got, the harsher his tongue became. Some of the things he called me were fucking awful, and I just took it and laughed it off most of the time. It took the edge off, pretending his abuse was a joke. I think he even found it entertaining when I gave him sarcastic comebacks like it was some sort of sick game we played. So that was our relationship for years. He'd verbally abuse me, and I'd banter back like it wasn't ripping me apart inside." My voice shakes on the final sentence.

"Oh, Kai," Eden whispers, pulling my hand from his hair and kissing my knuckles. His eyes fill with tears and his bottom lip juts out. Eden laces our fingers and brings our hands to his heaving chest. I can feel the thump of his accelerated heartbeat beneath them. I have to keep going.

"When I was 19, I started dating a guy called Harry. We were secretive, of course, but my parents knew him. He'd occasionally pop in whenever he'd picked me up. He was a charmer, extremely masculine-looking, and obsessed with football, so my dad took a liking to him. Harry even dropped into conversations that he had an ex-girlfriend. It was the perfect cover-up. My dad didn't have a clue. He was just pleased I was hanging out with a real man. Harry was, of course, very gay and sometimes camp, but he had phenomenal acting skills around my parents."

I pause for a second because the memory of the next part chokes me like thick clay, clogging my throat. I swallow hard and avert my eyes. I can't look at him when I say this.

"One Sunday, when my parents were at church, Harry came over. I knew they'd be gone for several hours, so I thought we'd have time to fool around."

My voice gets trapped again, and my vision clouds with tears. Eden kisses my forehead and says, "It's alright, baby, you can tell me. Whatever it is, I won't judge you."

My stomach sours, but I push on, hoping the dirty details won't scare him off.

"We were in my bedroom and had a crap movie on in the background. It was turned up loud, so I didn't hear my parents coming home. I was naked on my knees, giving Harry head when my door swung open. I was completely lost in the moment that I didn't even realise we were being watched. Harry gasped and tried to pull me off, but I thought he was going to come, so I carried on."

Eden's eyes widen, but then he relaxes his face, trying to seem unbothered. It's impossible not to be slightly shocked by this awful story.

"What happened next?" he gently asks.

"My dad grabbed me by my hair, forcibly removing me from Harry. I was in such a state of shock I couldn't even fight back. He swung me around like a rag doll, chanting in my face the same thing over and over, ‘You're not my son!' I think my mum was screaming and Harry was shouting, but I couldn't understand what they were saying. It was like my head had been dunked underwater. I couldn't comprehend what was happening. My dad dragged me down the stairs naked. I could barely catch my footing. When we reached the front door, he swung it open, and it hit me in the face. That's how I got this scar. He didn't check to see if I was ok. Just chucked me out like I was trash. God knows who saw me naked in the street. It's the most humiliating thing that's ever happened to me."

Eden exhales a shaky breath as his tears start to pour. He grips my hand tighter to his chest like he's trying to transfer some of the pain in my chest to his.

"Everything after that was a blur, to be honest. I woke up in Harry's family home without a stitch of clothing or personal belongings. I didn't even have my phone or wallet. I ended up staying with Harry and his family for a while, and they were good to me for the most part. But Harry always made me feel like I owed him something. I liked him but knew he wasn't the one. So, I ended things and decided to find my own way in the world. I promised myself I'd never rely on another person again. But those first few years were rough. I barely wanted to wake up each day."

There's a few moments of silence while we let everything I've said settle and then he speaks, "Kai, I'm so sorry you had to experience that. The way you've managed to grow into such a wonderful, funny and caring human after everything you've been through is a testament to your character. I'm so proud of you, and it's a privilege to know you. You never deserved such cruel treatment from people who were supposed to protect you. Your parents are the problem and the only ones who should feel shame."

A sob escapes me at his healing words. I nuzzle into his chest, unable to look into his wide eyes. Eden lets me cry momentarily, then pulls my chin up, but I keep my eyes tightly shut.

"Baby, look at me, please. I need you to hear this."

I do as he says, even though it tears me apart. I haven't told this story in years. I had no idea how heavy it still felt.

"You're perfect as you are, and you're worthy of love, Kai. Don't you ever let anyone tell you any different."

All I can whisper is a broken, "Thank you." I've hit my word count for the day, and my energy's fading.

Snuggling deeper into his chest, Eden tightens his hold. His body is like a weighted blanket, stopping me from floating away with my dark thoughts. Every part of our bodies intertwines. I don't know where he ends and I begin. All I know is it feels right, it feels safe, it feels like home.