Chapter 2

Ava

Saturday had finally arrived and I was a mess. Danny hadn't called since he left to go back to Denver, and honestly I wasn't expecting him to. Wishing he cared more wasn't really worth my time. I always ended up being disappointed in the end, so what was the point?

"You ready for this?" Ashley stood in my doorway, swinging in the jamb.

"Sure, I guess." I sighed as I rolled over and stared at the tattered envelope propped against my bedside lamp.

"Would you just open that already? It can't be that bad," Ashley urged.

"There's only one more after this," I murmured. I used to get this excitement and butterfly feeling when my dad would give me one of these. Now, I just get sad. Before my mom died, she wrote me letters. The ones I got when I was younger were filled with stories about my parents, and memories shared about my mom's childhood. As I've gotten older, they've been more about life lessons and advice. Mom wanted me to have a piece of her at all the significant moments in my life. Turning twenty-one was one of them. The only big day I have left after this is my wedding day. With the way things are going with Danny, I'm not sure when or if that will happen.

"So, open it so you can feel better." She shook her head. "You know you want to." It was in that moment that my phone rang. Part of me thought it might be Danny. I mean, he knew that today was a big game and how important it was to me. The other part of me hoped it wasn't because I really didn't want to fight right now. Ashley waved as I rolled over to grab my cell.

"Hey, Daddy." I smiled when I saw it was the other man in my life.

"Hey, sweetie. You ready for today?" He paused for a few moments before continuing, "Madi and I have front row seats. We'll be cheering you on from the best spot in the stadium."

"That's great." I suddenly felt better about the whole day, and Danny letting me down was a forgotten thought.

"You know your mom would be so proud right now." His voice softened. I knew that even after all these years, it still choked him up to think about her. She was his first love, and I was basically a carbon copy of her. Watching me turn into what she was had to be hard. It's never stopped him though. He's always supported my decisions and pushed me to be the best when it came to soccer and life.

"I know," I murmured as I rolled over, the letter still mocking me.

"Did you read it yet?" he softly pressed. When I didn't answer right away, I could hear him moving. He must have been standing because the background sounded the same way our couch sounded when you sat down. "I take the silence as a no."

"It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I know these are coming to an end and I don't want them to." I started to feel my eyes fill with tears. I blinked to hold them back as my voice started to quiver. "It's so messed up. I don't remember anything about Mom, but I feel like by reading these I do. They help build my memories and when I run out of letters, I'm going to lose her." I was crying now. I mean, all out crying. Dad was the only person on the planet who I felt I could lose it in front of and not be judged. None of the dumb things that came out of my mouth mattered, and he listened until I was ready to listen.

"Sweetie, you're not going to lose her. You mom is always going to be a part of your life, and Madi and I will fill you with more memories and stories than you could ever imagine. When your mom wrote those, she was wanting to be there for the big things, but the little things matter too. I'm sure there's big things that she didn't think of like today's game that are moments too. She wanted to talk to you, and these letters were her way of doing that, but it doesn't mean that she's not there. Those moments on the field, the ones when there's silence… right before a kick or when you're lining up at the goal. That breeze that blows, or the sunbeam beating down on you… that's your mom. She's always there, hugging you the only way she can."

"Thanks, Dad." I smiled as I wiped at the tears. "You always know what to say."

"You're welcome, and it's my job." He chuckled. "So, are you going to open it now?"

"I will… before the game. I need her to be there today." A melancholy tone filled my voice. She should be here, just like all the other times. Her high school letter jacket was draped over the chair in the corner of my room. I was planning to wear it to the ceremony today. It's made an appearance during all the big soccer moments.

"She'll be there… in the sunshine and fall breeze… she'll be there." His voice trailed off. Sometimes I wondered if he was trying to convince himself as much as he was me in these moments. "Well, I need to get going if we're going to avoid the crowds today. Look for me at center field. I'll be the dad who's waving a number 18 sign."

"A lot of people wave number 18 signs." I laughed. "Love you, Dad."

"Love you too, sweetie." The phone disconnected, and as I set it down, I picked up the letter. It smelled like her perfume, and I wondered if it was just the way she smelled or if she sprinkled the paper before she sealed it.

"Oh, Mom. I wish you could see this." I unfolded the paper and stared at her words. She had the prettiest penmanship, and I wondered each time I read one of these if she spent extra time making it neat.

My dearest Ava,

You're twenty-one today. I can hardly believe that. I'm staring at you right now as you kick your little feet in the bouncer and babble words only you understand. I hope life has been good so far, and it's killing me to not be there with you. There are so many firsts that I'm missing, and I curse the universe for taking those moments from me. Each day I wake up is a blessing but also a curse. It reminds me of how limited my time is. It reminds me that I'm not going to be here for many more. Every time you're feeling down, I want you to go outside and look up at the sky. If it's during the day, close your eyes and feel the wind on your face. Know that I'm there with you. That light breeze that's caressing your cheeks, that's me placing a gentle kiss there. If it's dark out, look to the stars. Know that they are a blanket that I'm tenderly covering you with. No matter how old you are, I'll always be there… sending you dreams at night, and comforting thoughts during the day. Even on the hard days… I'm there.

Love, Mom

I folded the paper and slipped it back into the envelope. I pulled the box I kept these in from my closet, and slipped this one behind the last. "I love you, Mom." I glanced up at the ceiling. "I hope I make you proud today."

"Knock knock." Ashley tapped on my door. "Is it safe to enter?"

"I'm good." I laughed. "These are good." I pointed to the tears that were falling from my eyes.

"Let's kick some ass!" she shouted as her fist went into the air.

That was all it took. I went into game mode, and began my game day ritual. Uniform, cleats, and my signature braid. After tying the bottom with blue ribbon, I grabbed my mom's jacket and Ash and I headed to the field.

"You ready for this?" She glanced over as we parked near the field house.

"As ready as I'll ever be." I rubbed the state champions patch on the chest of the coat. "I'm doing this for her too. I just wish she were here."

"Do you think they'd be retiring her number if she was?" Ashley climbed out and grabbed her bag from the back seat.

"I don't know. My mom was one of the best. I've been told all my life that she set records here and no one has broken them. I've tried. I need nine more goals this year to tie her." I followed behind Ashley as we made our way inside.

You could feel a buzz in the air. Legacy Day was always big. Former players were invited back, and those who made an impact in their time would be recognized on the field before the game. Mom's jersey was going to be hung by the press box along with the other three that have been retired over the years. This is the first time a jersey will be hung when the player isn't in attendance. Coach asked me to stand in my mom's place. I didn't think much of it at the time, but now I'm realizing how much of an impact Mom really made here. I mean, Coach was choking up just asking me.

"It's going to be great. Just remember to breathe." Ashley laughed lightly. "We need you for the game after."

"Yeah, breathe." I sighed as we entered the locker room. I closed my eyes, leaned against the wall, and murmured a plea for encouragement to my mom. My heart raced as I caressed the wool of the jacket, and then a sense of peace washed over me. "Thanks." I smiled up before joining the rest of the team. She was here the only way she could be.