Chapter 37

My lips still tingle from that earth-shattering kiss as we make our way into Ty's house. I sneak a glance at him out of the corner of my eye, my heart skipping a little when I find him already looking at me. The heat in his gaze makes my cheeks flush.

I'm not quite sure how we got from the garage to here, it was a bit of a daze. The kiss replays over and over in my mind—the way his mouth slanted over mine, firm and seeking at first, then more passionate as we both gave in to the attraction simmering between us.

Ty reaches out and takes my hand, entwining our fingers and brushing a soft, swoon-worthy kiss over my knuckles that makes my insides melt.

"I don't want you to leave tonight." His thumb grazes my cheekbone, a question in his eyes. "But I also don't want you to think that I brought you here to . . ."

"Claim your benefits?" I supply, cheeks flushing.

He winces. "I just want to spend time with you. We're always on the run, or Myra is around."

"What if I want to give you a benefit or two?" I tease, hiding my own nervousness, or hoping that we don't get too personal.

I mean even when I try to avoid it, we always end up talking about our past, or the future—which isn't too special. He just wants to get through as many seasons as possible because after that he won't have the same income. Me . . . there's the business I'm trying to start up with Lyr and Harper, but it'll take time.

Neither one of us is ready for it. Next semester, I'm going to start taking business classes. Lyr is compiling some designs and Harp is still not sure if she can even work as a biochemist because her stupid ex-fiancé made her sign a non-competitive contract that stops her from working on anything in her field for a long time.

But I do know a lot of Ty's past now. How he got his first skates from the coach of an outreach program, and that he now donates part of his earnings to places like that. He believes hockey and that program saved him from an uncertain future.

I love that I know those little things about him that no one else does. But it's knowing these details that scares me a lot more than having sex with him. Getting close is . . . what if I lose myself and this time I end up like my bio-mom?

Ty's hands close gently over mine, bringing me back to this moment, to us.

"As much as part of me wants that—benefits and sexual favors—what I want more is to just talk with you tonight." He presses a soft kiss to my wrist. "There's still so much I don't know."

My chest constricts. "Intimacy scares me," I remind him.

He nods. "I know. And isn't that what life's all about? Doing what scares you the most, conquering your demons."

I gulp and nod once. "Letting you touch me could be a good way to claim something too."

"Somehow I think you're more afraid of opening your soul than your legs, darling," Ty says bluntly.

"That's crude," I mutter, cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

"No, it's the truth," Ty insists, gaze unwavering.

"I trusted him, you know?" I say, not sure if it's a way to explain why this is as much as he can get or . . . I don't know why I'm doing it, but I continue, "With everything. He knew my fears and my dreams. I let him in too deep and then . . . gave him something I thought he'd cherish. It's hard to trust again. And you . . . You're temporary. We both agreed that's what this is. I'd prefer to go to your living room and let you fuck me than tell you my secrets."

"Then, we'll watch a movie," he proposes.

"What?"

"We can play a board game?"

"I don't understand," I state in confusion. "I'm offering anything, a blow job, fucking me anyway you want, and your answer is . . . let's play a board game?"

He nods. "You're not ready to give me what I really want, and I won't push you."

I'm horny and burning from the inside out after the kiss he gave me. I need a release. I'm soaking wet, ready to . . . do anything, and he's rejecting me? "But?—"

"Honestly, I think you want to find a new way to disappear from me. I won't let you," he states.

"Tyberius, be reasonable," I argue.

"I heard there's a new rom-com streaming," he says, walking toward the family room.

"You're insufferable." I walk after him.

"You're maddening, but maybe that's one of my favorite things about you. I love how you make up your mind and it's hard to convince you that there are other ways."

I halt in my tracks. "What do you mean by that?"

Ty glances over his shoulder. "Is there a problem with your hearing? Or was I speaking too fast?"

"You . . . You shouldn't have favorite things about me or . . . I—" I press my lips together. "Don't make this difficult, please. I really like you and Myra. She needs stability and I'm the only one who can give it to her right now."

"Some things can't be helped," he says.

"I have to go."

"Indie," he calls after me, but I'm running toward the garage. "Babe, stop."

"No," I say, as I jump in my car making sure my purse and keys are inside. "We said no feelings, Ty."

"I couldn't help myself and I won't apologize for it. Or for loving you," he states and my heart stutters when I hear that, and still, I leave.

This—emotions and . . . love. I can't handle it. More so from a guy like him. Someone who cares too much and gives his everything to those he loves. What if I let myself fall and then he leaves? It'll destroy me.

When I get home. I run to my bedroom and take a shower to calm down. I wish Rigby were here but it seemed so easy to leave him with Myra. How stupid is that?

After I put on my pajamas and dry my hair, I look at my phone. There's a text from Ty, at least tell me you got home safe, please.

I should ignore him, but since I don't want him to drive by, I respond, I'm here.

Ty: Are Rigby and Dave with you?

Indie: Remember we left Rig at Gabe's? Dave is here though.

Ty: I can go and get him for you.

Indie: I don't want to see you.

Ty: I can't believe you're mad because I'm falling in love with you.

Indie: Stop saying that.

Ty: It makes you uncomfortable?

Indie: It scares me because what if I fall and then you don't catch me?

Ty: What if we fall for each other and we enjoy the rest of our lives together?

Indie: Have I ever told you about my biological parents?

Ty: No.

Indie: It's pretty simple really. Dad died and Mom couldn't live without him. She was twenty-five weeks pregnant when she killed herself. I almost died too.

Ty: I'm sorry.

Indie: My biggest fear is love—romantic love. One of the things I've been discovering about the Frederick incident is that after he left, I was afraid that I would do what my mother did to herself. Obviously, I have PTSD because he raped me but add to that what happened with my bio-parents and . . . I'm pretty fucked up.

Ty: I'm sorry to hear about your parents, but you can't stop living or wanting to have someone to share your life with.

Indie: You scare me too.

Ty: What can I do so you can trust me? I would never hurt you.

Indie: Yeah, but what if I lose you and I lose myself after that?

Ty: You can't live in fear.

Indie: You keep saying that.

Ty: I do because I know what it's like to be anxious about the future due to your childhood experiences. Mom and I lived in poverty. The only food we got was when she had someone to support her. We didn't have a house, only a car. Sometimes we would stay in shitty hotels, or with whoever she was fucking. There was the occasional shelter during the winter. I got to eat because of the school programs, but it wasn't enough. Once Anastasia came into the picture, I did a few things I'm not proud of to ensure she had baby food. Since I left for college I've lived with the fear that I could end up in that same place. That no matter how much money I make, one day everything I've worked for will disappear and I'll go back to living in a car with my daughter.

Indie: That'd be impossible. You're pretty frugal and a hard worker.

Ty: The fear is still there, and now I'm working hard to understand the why and stop myself from living a miserable life. I don't want this to affect Myra or any future children we have.

Indie: We're quite a pair.

Indie: Wait, children we have? Who is this we you're talking about?

Ty: You and me, babe. I love you. For the first time, I can see a future that doesn't include playing until my knees give up and saving up for my child's college. I want to have a family, you—a woman who understand me even when she's stubborn as fuck. And if I have to wait years until you can open up to me, I'm fine with it.

Indie: Find someone less broken.

Ty: Or, and hear me out because this is a brilliant idea. We can fuse our shattered pieces and make a whole heart out of them.

Indie: Stop. I'm going to have a hard time tonight—panic attacks and nightmares and . . .

The doorbell rings, making me jump. When I open the door, Ty is there with Rigby next to him.

"We're here to keep you company tonight—so there are no panic attacks or nightmares," he says as if that makes it okay to be at my house.

My lip quivers. Don't give in, I order myself.

"You were texting and driving?" I chide him.

He shakes his head. "Nah, I went to pick up Rig as soon as you left my place. I might've gone a little faster than the limit to make it back when you did."

"Why didn't you just drop him off? Why text me and . . ." I show him the phone as if accusing him of doing something atrocious. Like opening his heart to me and making me confess things I don't want to.

"You seem to have less trouble talking to me when we text," he responds, leaning closer and kissing my nose and then my lips.

"We're not having sex," I say, hoping that will keep him away.

"That's okay. As long as you let me be with you until I have to leave in the morning."

"Don't do this, Ty, please," I beg him.

"Love you?"

I nod. "Yeah."

"You seem to be ready for bed. Why don't we go upstairs? I promise not to fall more in love with you tonight," he says, but that smirk on his lips tells me that it'd be impossible to keep that promise.

"We can have tea and then you leave," I propose.

He nods. "Let's have tea and see what happens afterwards." He winks at me and I have the feeling that he's not going to leave tonight.

Well, I hope the couch is comfortable because I don't plan on sharing my bed with him. Nope.