8. Ella

CHAPTER 8

ELLA

I get through Monday relatively smoothly and now I'm currently sitting in the waiting room of my therapy appointment. I think back to the first time I was waiting in this room; I was so scared and anxious. I never thought therapy would be something I'd do. I always had the mentality of ‘I've made it this far on my own, I don't need help'. Well, after a stressful six months at work, as well as my complete lack of a love life, I was feeling incredibly anxious, unwanted, and unworthy. Millie finally convinced me to talk to someone, and I am so glad she did. Though, it did take me a few goes before I found a therapist who I felt comfortable with. I went to three different psychologists, two of them felt super clinical and I didn't connect with them at all, and the other one had a connection to my parents. Despite patient confidentiality, it just didn't sit well with me. Then, I met Jane. I was immediately put at ease when she first walked out to greet me. She's in her mid-fifties and was rocking a pink power suit and stilettos. She was calming and professional but also personable. I didn't feel like I was talking to a clinical robot.

"Ella, come on in." Jane appears in the doorway and I walk in behind her. Another thing I like about Jane is that her office isn't set out with a couch for me to lie down on and cry while she takes notes on a clipboard. She has a desk in one corner and a tea and coffee station in another, with a group of armchairs surrounding a coffee table in the middle of the room. It's full of natural light, plants, and books. I take a seat in my usual chair, and she sits opposite me with my file, does a quick recap of our last session, and then asks me how I've been since we last spoke.

"Well, it has been an interesting few weeks," I start. "The work front is fine at the moment. There's just the usual busyness and shitty attitude from my boss, but the tactics you suggested last month have really helped."

"That's great to hear! So, what else has been happening then if work is going okay?"

"Just my love life creating feelings of unworthiness and ugliness. So, nothing new," I say casually.

"Ah, I see. Tell me all about it."

I dive into the last couple of weeks, starting with my date with Jed, being stood up, and meeting Xavier. I then go on about our blossoming friendship. Saying it all out loud, it hits me with just how chaotic the last few weeks have been—it's no wonder I've felt on edge lately. Jane is writing notes as I talk. She's nodding along with a look of concentration on her face as I finish up.

"Okay, I can see where those feelings are all stemming from. I know how you feel about going on dates, and I know what it takes for you to actually attend them. I'm really proud of you for putting yourself out there, so you should be commending yourself for taking that step. Though, can you explain to me why you're feeling unworthy and ugly? Am I correct in assuming that being stood up elicited these feelings, and not the date with Jed?" she asks.

"I think you're right in that assumption. I mean yeah, I was disappointed that the date sucked, but I got over it pretty quick. Jed cornered me and scared me and made me uncomfortable, but honestly, I've experienced that sort of thing as a woman more times than I can count. I can bounce back easily, which is incredibly sad now that I think about it. It definitely was from being stood up. Knowing that the guy had decided I wasn't even worth meeting, without knowing anything about me or what I look like. From what I heard, he was hot and successful, so I was excited and hopeful at the thought that he must be interested in getting to know me. Especially since he was the one who agreed to the date in the first place. But instead, he decided I wasn't worth his time." I can feel myself starting to tear up already, and she pushes a box of tissues towards me.

"Did you ever find out why he didn't show up?" she asks.

"No. Clay hasn't seen him at work, or so he says, and he isn't responding to any messages, so I can't even ask for a reason."

"Okay. I don't want to tell you that you shouldn't be feeling that way, because you have autonomy over your own feelings and no one can take that away from you. I will ask you, however, to think about what you've just told me, and tell me what parts are factual and true."

"I'm not sure what you mean," I say, confused.

"So, the act of you going on the date is a fact. You getting stood up is a fact. Is him thinking you aren't worth his time, still a fact?" she asks. I think about all of the things I said, and all of the things I have felt since the date."A lot of what you have said to me is based on assumptions you have made about why he didn't show up. There is no evidence, no proof, to suggest he thought you were ugly, or that you weren't worth his time. Until you know these things as facts, you are hurting your own feelings with your own interpretation of what happened."

I sit there for a moment to process what she is saying. It makes sense. Like… a lot of sense. One of my worst habits is to create scenarios in my head and convince myself they are reality, thus causing myself to become anxious over something that doesn't exist. I guess this is like that."You're right. I don't know the real reason, and I shouldn't try and come up with my own answers. I just don't know how to change my mindset. I've been on my own for so long that I can't help but feel unwanted. I'm so lonely, and this just added to the pain." The tears slide down my cheek, and I hastily wipe them away.

"Ella. Don't rush your tears. Let them fall, let yourself feel."She gives me a moment to just sit in my feelings and reflect. I close my eyes and breathe deeply through my nose and out through my mouth. It takes me a moment, but I eventually bring myself back to the present. " As for how to change your mindset, it takes time. You need to keep working on convincing yourself that you are worthy of love. I can see that you are confident and comfortable within yourself, however that confidence seems to diminish when seeking out a partner."

She gives me some tools to help me with changing from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. I tell her that journaling has actually been really helpful. I find that writing down how I'm feeling in the moment and then reading back what I've written puts things into perspective, and at times, it shows me how unrealistic I'm being. She told me to keep going, but to try and add in some notes of daily gratitude as well. Every day, I need to write down something that I love about myself at that moment. I then need to say it to myself, out loud, that I am loveable because of what I've written down.

"Now, tell me about Xavier. Is this just a friendship, do you think?" she asks.

"I think so. He's recently single, and other than a few compliments and a hug, he hasn't made any sort of move on me. Do you think it's weird how quickly we've become friends?" It's something I've been wondering about lately, since the ease of which we have become friends just feels surreal.

"Why would it be weird? You and Millie became best friends in a matter of weeks. Why is this different? Because he's a man?"

"Maybe. I don't know."

"Are you attracted to him? Or, more importantly, do you want more than a friendship with him?"

I ponder this for all of five seconds. "Am I attracted to him? Absolutely. Do I want more? I don't know. Maybe. But he's hinted at the fact that he's not interested in dating right now, and the fact he hasn't made a single move is telling me that he's not attracted to—"She raises a brow at me. "Oh. I'm doing it again, aren't I? Making assumptions based on my own interpretations. Huh." I've surprised myself by making that realisation so quickly.

"Good to see you're a quick learner." She laughs. "But yes, you are making assumptions. If you're interested in something more, talk to him. If not, then enjoy this friendship for what it is. But don't overthink it like you were just now. Take each interaction for what it is and communicate your feelings when they arise. From what you've told me about him, he seems quite switched on and mature."

"He is. And you're right. It's only been a month and I need to see where this goes. I don't want to push any sort of romantic intentions on him and ruin the friendship that we have created. I'm really enjoying getting to know him."

"That sounds like a good idea. And I'm so glad you've made a new friend. Male friendships can be hard to navigate, especially if there is mutual attraction. So, communicate with him, and write things down. I'll be looking forward to seeing where you are at when I see you next."

We finish up my session and book my next appointment, which isn't until the New Year as Jane is going away for two weeks over the Christmas break. So hopefully, nothing goes wrong in that time. I walk back to my car and reflect on the session, feeling a bit more confident in myself and ready for the rest of the week.