43. Ella

CHAPTER 43

ELLA

I feel like I'm going to be sick.Xavier is due to show up any minute now. I couldn't sleep last night—I felt too nervous to eat breakfast and now my stomach is protesting. Currently, I'm on the couch, staring at my front door waiting for the inevitable knock. My knees are bouncing, and my bottom lip is hurting because I've been biting it all morning.

I've been repeatedly giving myself a pep talk, making sure to remember all that I've learnt these last three months about what I deserve and what I won't settle for. He might not even be coming here to want to get back with me.

"Oh God, what if he's met someone else?" I whisper to no one.

I shake my head. No, he wouldn't do that to me. I hope.

"Stop letting old insecurities get the better of you," I tell myself.

I drink some water to try and cool myself down as I'm feeling flushed, but all it does is set off a wave of stomach rumbling. I really should eat. I'm about to get a muesli bar from the cupboard when there's a knock on the door. I check the time, 10am on the dot.

"Okay, okay, okay. Be cool. Be calm. Don't take shit," I whisper. I pull my shoulders back and hold my head up high, then I walk to the door and open it. I almost instantly melt into a puddle the moment I see him, because the man is dressed in a goddamn flannel shirt and is wearing glasses. GLASSES. And to top it off, a backwards fucking cap. He's holding two coffees. One of them is an iced latte and my stupid little heart warms at the sight of him remembering my coffee order.

"Hey, may I come in?" He smirks.

I realise I've just been staring at him in awkward silence. I just nod like a fool and let him inside.

"Thanks." He chuckles.

I close the door behind him and motion to the dining table. I figured we needed a more formal setting for whatever conversation we are about to have, so I'm avoiding the couch. Not to mention the last conversation we had on the couch ended with him leaving. So yeah, the dining table is the best choice.

"Iced oat latte, right?" he hands me my coffee. Again, I just nod. "Have you gone mute since last night? Or am I just so hot that you've been stunned into silence?"

My head whips around to him and I narrow my eyes.

"No fair. You did it on purpose," I say.

"Did what?" he asks innocently.

I gesture to him and wave my hand up and down.

"All of… this. You know I'm a sucker for a flannel. And when the hell did you get glasses? Are they even real?"

He laughs. "Yes, they are real. I had my eyes tested and it turns out I don't have perfect vision. So, you like them then?"

"Nope."

"Sure." He laughs again.

I take a big drink of my coffee and sigh. It's so good and my stomach is grateful to have something in it, despite it only being coffee and milk.

"So, how's business going?" I ask.

He tells me about all of the changes he's made and how it's drawn in a younger patronage, which is what he planned all along. He's figuring out the social media stuff but seems to be doing really well so far. Everything seems to be working out exactly as he had dreamed it.

"That's amazing, Xav. I'm so proud of you," I say. And I mean it.

"Thanks. How's work going for you?" he asks.

"Pretty great actually, I quit."

"No way! That's amazing. What are you doing now?"

"I'm managing a small primary school library now. I'm so happy there."

"I'm happy for you, you deserved so much more than that shit hole."

I laugh softly. "Absolutely I did. I won't let anyone make me feel worthless and incapable ever again."

"Good."

We sit in silence for a minute, and I stir the ice around in my drink.

"So, why are you here, Xavier?" I ask bluntly. Might as well rip off the band aid.

He sighs and sets down his coffee.

"I'm here because I'm an idiot," he admits.

"Oh?"

"I messed things up with us, badly. I hurt you. I haven't stopped thinking about you since I left, and I realise now I may have made a mistake."

"Really?" My heart is hammering in my chest.

"Yes. I spoke to Jade and—oh wait, did you know her and Lena have been seeing each other for like six months?"

Now that is news to me, and the surprise of it must show on my face.

"I know, that was my exact reaction. I'm happy for them obviously, but I was so surprised."

"I bet! That's great though."

"Yeah. Anyway, I talked to Jade, and I have also been talking to that therapist you suggested."

"Oh! You started therapy? I didn't think you actually would."

"Well, it seemed to help you, so I thought I'd try it. It's helped a lot. And I've also made some realisations."

"Okay…"

"I was scared. I still am. Like I told you once, I didn't want to let you down or disappoint you. I didn't want to disappoint my dad or my family either. I put so much pressure on myself and I was so scared of failing you that I never gave us a chance. It was better to end things before they got too serious, but instead I hurt you, hurt myself, and ruined a perfect opportunity for happiness."

"So… what does that mean now? Obviously, we can't change the past, and you still have the business to run. Let's not forget that was the main reason for you leaving me. Distraction, remember?" I ask, pointing to myself.

"You were never a distraction. I was just lost, and I know that's not an excuse. With the business, the hardest part is done. I still have a lot of work to do, but already my hours are settling and I'm home more. But when I am home, I'm alone. And I've realised, after talking with Jade and Lena, that there's no point in celebrating my success with Jimmies if I have no one to celebrate with."

"I would have supported you. I could have been there," I say.

"I know you would have. At the time I didn't think I could do it all—commit to you and run the place. But now that things have settled, and I've had time to think things over, I have a new perspective."

"And that is?" Honestly, how can he not hear my heart pounding from where he's sitting?

"That you don't realise how good something is until you lose it. I want you by my side. I miss you so fucking much, Ell."

I swallow the automatic response that was going to come out of my mouth and just look at him. I need more than that, and he knows it.

"I didn't even try to make it work back then, but I want to try now. You deserve everything and I want to give it to you. No more half arsed promises, no more maybes. I'm ready to commit to you, fully. I want you to be mine and I want to be yours."

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

"I don't know, Xav. I was devastated when you left, Millie can tell you that. But I've also grown from it, I know my worth and I know what I deserve. I won't settle for anything less. How can you guarantee that you won't leave me in the lurch again?"

"And you shouldn't. You should never settle for less. And if you kick me to the curb right now, I would completely understand. I can't promise it will be easy and that we won't hit any bumps along the way. I just want a chance to prove to you…" His throat bobs. "I just want to prove to you how much I love you. I do love you, Ella. I want to give you the world if you'll let me."

Well, now I'm crying. I look away from him for just a moment and squeeze my eyes shut. I take a second to calm my racing heart and process what he's just said. He loves me . Can I give him this chance? He may be ready to commit to me now, but am I ready? Ready to risk my heart again after everything?

Of course, I am. With conditions, obviously. Does that make me an idiot? Maybe. But I'm still hopelessly in love with him and there's only one way to find out if it will work. The risk of heartbreak is there, but I will forever regret not trying.

I say nothing as I get up out of my chair and crawl into his lap, linking my arms behind his neck. His body relaxes under me, and I can see the relief in his eyes.

"I love you too, Xavier. Of course I love you. I never stopped."

His entire face lights up and he leans in to kiss me. I put a finger to his lips and stop him.

"Hold on. I'm not done." He kisses my finger and I roll my eyes.

"There will be conditions. We can't just jump straight back to how we were, okay? We need to start from the beginning. Which means… no sex. Not for a little while, at least."

The man pouts like a toddler scorned.

"I'm serious. I want us to date properly this time. If we just jump straight into bed, then we go back to how we were before, and I don't want there to be any confusion as to what we are. There also won't be any more second chances, okay? I can't keep going through all of this, so if you stuff me around or hurt me again, we are done. For good this time."

He nods. "Okay. We can do that. And yep, totally fair. I won't waste my second chance, I promise. Anything else?"

I think for a second.

"No more hiding what we are to each other. I want to be with someone who is proud to call me his. You don't necessarily have to scream it from the rooftops, but I refuse to be a secret again. "

"Absolutely. And I will scream it from the rooftops. There will never be a moment where you doubt how I feel about you, and our friends won't doubt it either."

"Okay." I smile shyly at him.

"Anything else?" he asks.

"Um, no. I think that's all for now." He tucks a stray lock of hair behind my ear and wipes away an errant tear from earlier.

"So, can I kiss you now?"

"Yes, Xavier. You can kiss me now."

The words are barely out of my mouth before his lips are on mine. It's the softest and sweetest kiss we've shared, as though he's trying to convey all of his feelings into this one kiss. All I can feel right now is love.