35. Xavier

CHAPTER 35

XAVIER

God, I'm such an arsehole.

By 9:45pm, I'm finally back home after another gruelling day at the office. I open my phone for the hundredth time and look at the photo Ella sent me again. A lump forms in my throat. She cooked me her favourite meal and set the table with a goddamn candle and everything. I bet she even had dessert. All to celebrate me and my promotion. And I fucking bailed on her because of that promotion. To top it all off, I offered her a late-night booty call instead. I'm an absolute prick.

I've tried calling her five times now and I don't get an answer. I don't blame her, to be honest. I wouldn't want to talk to me, either. I really should have called her earlier to let her know I wasn't coming, but I got stuck on a call with the manager of a new brewery that I'm hoping to start stocking, and I lost track of time.

This is exactly the sort of thing I was worried about happening. Having to cancel plans because of work. I have to put the business before anything else—I have to make my dad proud. I don't want to hurt anyone along the way and that's what I've already done.

I close down the message and tilt my head back against the couch, sighing. I don't know how to do this. I need to talk to someone.

I pull up my group chat with the guys and ask if any of them are free tomorrow night for a beer after work. At Jimmies, of course, since I'll likely be working late, but I can take an hour when they get there.

I open up my message thread with Ella and look at the photo once more. I consider calling her again, but I know she won't answer. I need to give her some space, so I settle for a text instead.

Xavier

I'll call you after work tomorrow. Sweet dreams, Ell x

She doesn't reply, and again, I'm not shocked. I open the group chat with the guys and by some sort of miracle, they are all free for a beer after work tomorrow. Why is it that when we want to plan a bigger get together, it takes months to coordinate something, but a last-minute knock off works out fine with a day's notice? Weird, but whatever. I'll take the good luck. They all plan to meet me at Jimmies by 5:30pm.

I have a quick shower, my mind wandering to the fact that I could be in Ella's shower with her right now, and I'm pissed at myself even more. I drag myself out of the shower and collapse onto my bed, falling into a fitful sleep because I can't shut off my goddamn brain.

It's right on 5:30pm and all the guys are here. I'm still shocked we were able to orchestrate last minute plans.

"So Xav, what's up? It's not like you to organise a spontaneous catch up," Jake says as a beer is placed in front of each of us. Lena is working tonight, and I don't necessarily want her hearing my conversation, so I move us over to a table in the beer garden towards the back corner.

"I know, I just feel like I need some advice. I've got a bit going on at the moment and… I'm a bit lost," I say.

"Yeah, we thought as much," Ben adds.

"So, what's been happening?" asks Dale.

I launch into the story. First, I talk about the job. They all know I've finally taken over, and I tell them about how much focus it is taking up and about all the stuff I want to achieve. I tell them about Dad's legacy and how I want to make him and the rest of the family proud. I then jump into the Jade stuff—how I feel like I failed her, and our relationship, and I'm scared that I'll do it again.

"Is there a reason you're scared about it happening again, Xav? Like, have you met someone?" asks Jake.

I close my eyes and inhale deeply. "Yeah." I breathe.

"Ayo, our boy's been holding out on us!" yells Dale. "Give us the details mate, she hot?"

"Jesus, Dale. Of course, he holds out on us if that's the first thing you ask," says Ben.

"What?" Dale shrugs, but then looks at me and sees the look on my face, which can only be read as frustration. He raises his hands in defeat. "Okay, okay. Sorry. Tell us about her."

So, I do. I tell them how I met Ella, how we started out as friends, and then after both of us admitting our attraction to one another, we started a physical relationship. I spared them the details, much to Dale's disappointment, and told them how eventually we both developed feelings.

"And now I'm running Jimmies and have less time to spend with her; I have too much riding on this job to be able to commit to something properly. I'm scared that if I say yes, let's try, I'm just going to break her heart, like I did to Jade. I don't want to lose Ella, and I'm hanging on to her but not giving her what she deserves, which isn't fair on her." As soon as I finish the sentence, I feel a little bit lighter, like even just talking about it a little bit has eased some of the pressure. They're all silent for a while and then both Ben and Dale look at Jake. He is the wisest and most mature of us all, and I almost laugh at the fact we are all looking to him for advice.

"Well… you're certainly a busy boy." He laughs, we all do. "I get why you're stressed, Xav. Ella sounds really great, and I love that you've connected wi th someone new. I'm really happy for you."

"Why do I hear a ‘but' coming?" I ask.

He sighs. "But… you've been waiting to take over this place for years. You've been preparing, planning, and dreaming, and it's finally yours. You're working overtime to establish yourself quickly, and after everything you just said, it's obvious you're…" he pauses.

"Distracted." Ben finishes.

"Yeah," says Jake. "I think you need to figure out what your priority is right now and make that your focus. You're right, you can't keep Ella waiting and wondering when you'll commit to her, and it's obvious you need to work on overcoming your fear of disappointing people. So, I think—and I hate to tell you this—you need to make a choice as to where you are focusing all of your energy. Is it on Jimmies? Or is it on Ella?" He smiles sadly.

"I hate that plan," I mumble and take a swig of my beer. "I don't want to give her up."

"So, then continue to run this place as it has been when your dad was in charge," Dale says.

"I don't want to do that either."

"Trying to do it all isn't going to work, mate. You'll burn yourself out by trying and to be quite frank, it's selfish of you to keep holding Ella at arm's length when she's ready to give you everything and you're not ready to reciprocate," Ben adds. We all look at him.

"What?" he asks. "Just because I'm quiet, it doesn't mean I can't impart some wisdom."

I huff a laugh, but then really take in what he said. I asked Ella to wait for me to figure things out, but that was before Dad retired, and now I have a huge responsibility to not only my dad, but the community here at Jimmies.

"You're right. I am being selfish. Even before Dad retired, I was selfish in asking her to wait for me. I just…" I trail off.

"You don't want to lose her. I get it," says Jake. " Do you love her?"

I hesitate to give them an answer, which seems to be an answer in itself.

"Damn, Xav," whispers Ben. He looks at me with sympathy.

"I know I give you a lot of shit, mate, but I didn't realise you loved this chick. That's rough, man. I'm sorry," says Dale. He presses his mouth into a thin line and gives me a sad smile.

"If you love her, Xav, you have to give her your all. And if you can't, you need to walk away before she falls even further." Jake pats me on the shoulder.

"I know. I know." I sigh. I look down at my beer, hoping the boys don't catch sight of the tears lining my eyes that are ready to fall.

"Hey man, it'll be okay. We're here for you." I guess Jake saw the tears. He pulls me into a hug, and I allow a few of the tears to fall. It's not that I'm ashamed to cry, I just don't want to cry at work. He holds me for a moment and then he pulls away.

"You got this," he says as he grabs me by the shoulder. I laugh.

"I really don't, but I appreciate the confidence nonetheless."

We finish our beers and I walk them out to their cars, and to my surprise, they all give me a hug this time. Even Dale gives me a proper one. I wave them off and head back inside to my office and sit down in my chair. I lean back and close my eyes. Deep down, I know what I have to do. I really, really don't want to fucking do it, though.

I told Ella I would call her tonight, so I pull out my phone. It rings four times and just when I think she won't answer, she picks up on the last ring.

"Hello," she answers. Already, she sounds flat.

"Hey, Ell. Hope this isn't a bad time to call?"

"No, it's fine. I was just reading."

"Okay. That's good. Uhh..." I hate this, I hate this, I hate this . "Are you busy after work tomorrow? I wanna come over, just to talk about stuff." I hope that didn't sound too foreboding. I know for someone with anxiety, telling them you want to talk about something can be incredibly triggering.

"Um, yeah. I'll be free after 7pm. "

"Okay, thanks."

"Just make sure you give me a heads up if you're not going to make it."

"Yep, I will. I promise." A fair enough request given how much of a dick I was last night.

"Okay. Well, I just got to a good part in my book, so I'm gonna go. I'll see you tomorrow," she says. She sounds so… I can't think of the word. Tired? Over it? Sick of my shit?

"Okay, no problem. Have a good night."

"Bye."

"Bye," I say, but she had already hung up.