Chapter 29

twenty-nine

Cam glanced at Brady as he read one of the books they'd brought along for the trip, realizing that his son was asleep as he lay sandwiched between himself and Fiona in the queen-size guest bed.

Reading one more page for good measure, he closed the book when it was clear that Brady's long day had finally caught up with him.

"He's exhausted," Fi said as she continued to stroke Brady's hair back from his forehead.

Cam nodded as he set the book on the side table. "We've been up since five thirty. He was too excited to nap on the plane."

"You must be tired, too."

He shook his head. Because sitting just inches from Fi, breathing in the familiar hints of her shampoo and perfume, worked just fine for him. "I'm good."

She focused on Brady again. "He's clingy."

"He's missed you. I've missed you."

She exhaled a quiet breath as she rested her head against the headboard, staring out at the city. "I didn't mean to make him sad, Cam. That was never my intention."

"I know that."

Blinking as her eyes grew teary, she met his gaze. "Sometimes I think it would've been better if I had never gone back to Vermont."

He frowned as he shook his head. "Don't say that."

"It's true. Everything's such a mess."

Needing to touch her, he reached for her hand, gently squeezing her fingers as he held them. "Come out to the living room and talk to me."

She nodded. "Give me a minute to change out of my work clothes."

"Sure."

He waited for Fi to carefully inch her way off the bed and leave before he covered Brady with the rest of the blankets and tidied up the mess his son had made when he'd searched through the suitcase for his pajamas.

Closing the bedroom door halfway, he walked down the short hall, stopping by the biscuit-colored couch in Fi's smaller but pretty living room.

A patterned blue-gray area rug, a couple of leafy plants, candles, and colorful coffee table books decorated the space, allowing her spectacular view to dominate.

But he wasn't interested in the sunset-painted sky or the glow of city lights surrounding him. Instead, he stared at Fiona as she stood by one of her massive windows with her arms crossed, wearing pale-pink sweat shorts and a fitted white spaghetti-strap top.

He wanted to go to her—to wrap his arms around her waist and snuggle her against him—but he wasn't exactly sure where things stood despite their hug at her office. "I like your house in the sky, Fi."

She sent him a small smile as she turned. "Thank you."

"I've missed this. Looking at you. Talking to you," he confessed without qualms. Because it was time to say what he needed to say. Tiptoeing over his words and staying quiet all summer long had done neither of them any good.

Her smile faded as she dropped her gaze to the floor.

He yearned to walk her way, but he stayed where he was, reading the room easily enough. Fi's walls were up. "I hurt you when I told you I needed us to take a step back."

She shrugged, darting him a glance. "I understand the situation, Cam."

"I panicked when Ally came back. I pushed you away. I didn't realize I was doing it at the time, but it was the wrong move."

She jerked her shoulders again. "Everything's complicated."

"But that's the thing. It's not. At least, not the important stuff. Not the stuff that matters."

She looked at him now. "Brady's your priority. As he should be."

He shook his head as he closed the distance between them, seeing so clearly the vulnerability in her big brown eyes. "He's one of my priorities. Both of you mean everything to me." Stroking his knuckles along her jaw, he held her gaze. "You've been my everything for such a long time, Fi. I loved you first."

Tears spilled down her cheeks as she clutched at his wrist.

"From the first moment I talked to you in that humanities class… For the last twelve years… I've been so in love with you, Fiona."

"Cam," she whispered on a shuddering breath.

He caught her next tear with his thumb. "You have a big life here—a successful career. I've struggled with the idea of asking you to change that when I'm the one who fucked everything up between us."

She shook her head. "You didn't mess us up all by yourself. We both made mistakes."

He shrugged. "Maybe that's true, but that doesn't change the fact that I should've been straight with you from the moment things changed between us this summer. I should've told you that I want you to live with me in our house in Vermont. I should have said that I want us to be a family—that I want you to help me raise Brady."

"What about Ally?"

He shook his head. "I don't want Ally. I want you. It's always been you, Fi. It will always be you."

"But she's Brady's mother."

"And that's something we're going to have to work out, but I refuse to let her come between us again. I want a life with you, Fi. A life we create with Brady together. Ally might be his biological mother, but when it comes to the day-to-day, you and I are what's best for him."

She nodded before her face crumpled, and she pulled away, turning toward the windows as she started to cry.

Frowning, he turned her back to face him. "What just happened?"

"What about babies?"

He sighed, loathing that this topic hurt her so much, noting how her shoulders hunched slightly and a new wave of vulnerability radiated in her eyes. "There are other ways to make a family. Look at the way you love my son."

She sucked in a shaky breath. "You say that now, but what if someday down the road…"

He adamantly shook his head. "I've been waiting for you for six years. Whether you can or can't make babies with me isn't going to be the reason we aren't going to be together."

She started to cry again. "I never want to disappoint you. I don't want to wake up five years from now and realize you resent me."

His heart hurt as he held her gaze—as he cupped her cheeks in his hands so she had no choice but to believe what he said as they stared into each other's eyes. " Never , Fiona. Never, ever . I just need you. I need you to love me."

"I do. You know I do."

"It doesn't suck to hear it."

She cradled his cheeks now. "I love you, Cam. So much. I always have."

He captured her hands, kissing her knuckles. "Then that's all that matters."

"But I want to have babies with you— our babies. I've wanted that since we started talking about it all those years ago."

"So, we'll talk to a specialist. We'll figure out our next steps and get started with IVF."

She shook her head as more tears trailed down her cheeks. "I don't know that we can. I have an appointment tomorrow. With Dr. Miller. I think my fibroids are back."

His frown returned. "You're having pain?"

She shook her head again. "I've had a little bit of cramping, but my biggest concern is that I'm three weeks late."

"Maybe it's stress. You've got this wedding coming up, and things haven't been easy between you and me. That can be a thing, right?"

She shrugged. "It can be. I want it to be that simple, but this is how everything started the first time." She broke down again. "It hasn't even been a year since my first diagnosis. If this keeps happening and I have to have more surgeries… All of the scarring… I'm terrified Dr. Miller's eventually going to tell me that IVF isn't an option at all. And what if she starts talking about a hysterectomy?"

Her fear was palpable. He desperately wanted to take away all of her worries. "Let's take this one step at a time."

She nodded.

He sighed as he settled his forehead against hers. "Do you want me to go with you tomorrow?"

She shook her head. "It'll be better if you stay here with Brady."

He nodded, respecting her wishes, even though he wanted to be there to support her. "I love you, Fi, no matter what the doctor says."

"I love you, too."

"Babies or no babies, it's you and me. You and Brady are all I need."

She nodded again.

He tucked her hair behind her ear. "I know our conversation isn't over. I know we still have plenty of stuff to work out…"

"This is a good start," she said as she wrapped her arms around his waist.

He nodded, sliding his palms up to her shoulders. "It is. I'm so glad I'm here with you, Fi."

She smiled. "Me too. Thank you for coming."

"I couldn't stay away. Not this time."

"I missed you, Cam," she said as she pressed a kiss to each side of his lips. "I've been so unhappy without you and Brady."

He sighed, touched by her words. "I want to kiss you," he whispered, bringing her mouth back to his with a nudge to her chin, groaning as she opened to meet the gentle play of his tongue.

She hummed in her throat, standing on her tiptoes as she wrapped her arms around the back of his neck, taking the kiss deeper yet.

Eventually, he eased back enough to hold her gaze. "I never want to go another ten days without kissing you. I never want to go even one."

She smiled. "I feel good about that idea."

"Let's consider it a done deal."

She opened her mouth to say something else as her stomach growled. Loudly.

"Yikes," he said as he frowned. "You need to eat. Getting Brady settled in distracted you from your dinner."

She shrugged. "It's fine. I had a big salad at lunch. But Thai food sounds really good tonight. How do you feel about us ordering something in?"

It was nearly ten thirty on the East Coast, but he wasn't opposed to a second dinner. "I'm all for it."

"Good. I may or may not have memorized the number of the restaurant down the street. They make amazing chicken pad Thai."

He chuckled, loving how passionate Fi could be about food. "Then it sounds like we should get it."

She snatched her phone off the coffee table. "They deliver faster if you call instead of ordering online. Or that's what I hear, anyway."

He grinned. "You should probably heed the rumors."

She wrinkled her nose before she laughed, sending him one of her gorgeous grins. "It's probably for the best."

"I'll hunt for plates and silverware and meet you back here at the couch."

She smiled again. "It's a date."

He turned toward the small kitchen, thrilled that things were okay again—or they were okay for now. They would tackle tomorrow when it got here.