10. Drunk Me Is an IdiotPuns Suck

Chapter 10

Drunk Me Is an Idiot or Puns Suck

Riverhold was huge .

How had I underestimated the size of this city in my mind?

Most likely because I'd been basing it on my first encounter with Misty Pass, which was a tiny rural town that had sprouted on a minor road between Wolfrest and Edros.

Riverhold, on the other hand, was a major trading port and an important stronghold for the kingdom of Edros.

The sun was getting low in the sky as the towering stone walls of Riverhold came into view, lengthening the shadows and making the city appear even more impressive. Flags of gold and black fluttered and flapped from where they hung on the walls and at the top of towers. Guards walked the walls at regular intervals, watching the nearby forest while the guards on the ground eyeballed everyone who entered the main gate.

I tried to ignore the feeling that we received extra scrutiny when we approached, but no one stopped our progress or said a word.

The city inside the walls was even more overwhelming as the buildings of stone and wood towered three and four stories above the narrow streets. There were a few main roads wide enough to allow three carts to pass abreast of each other, but most were slender, winding affairs.

A variety of interesting smells filled the air—cooked meat, rare spices, human sweat, animal dung, and occasionally something soft and floral that I couldn't place.

And then there were the people!

People once again surrounded me. I never in all my life thought I'd be happy to see so many people in one location. It was an interesting mix of humans, elves, half elves, and even a few towering orcs. They were all dressed in a mix of colors and fabrics, rich and poor. Weapons were everywhere.

More than once, Nylian had to grab my arm and physically move me, so I didn't walk straight into a person or a cart because I wasn't paying attention to what was directly in front of me.

"I'm beginning to think you've never been in a city this size," Nylian murmured.

A sheepish smile spread across my lips, and I shrugged, pushing aside a repeat of my excuse of a faulty memory. He'd heard it all before, so there really was no point to it.

Maybe I had created all of this in my mind, but it was different to walk through it, smell it, touch it. This city was bigger and more complicated than my imagination could have managed, and now it was a living, breathing place. How could I not feel a sense of awe?

"Is this your first visit to Riverhold? Do you know where we should look for an inn?" I asked. Like any town this size, there were a variety of districts. I wasn't sure if Nylian had something shadier in mind or if he was expecting to stay at an inn with more class and polish. Considering he was a member of the Wolfrest royal family, I was expecting him to choose the latter.

"I've visited here once, but it's been a few years. I thought we could find an inn close to where we would encounter the caravans, but not necessarily with them, in case we need to leave quickly," he replied, his eyes never stopping in their perusal of our surroundings.

"Then your best bet is going to be along Beaufield Lane or Langdon Walk," Adeline interjected. She thrust her hand between us, pointing to the right. "Penbrook Port is to the west, which is where all the storage warehouses and the housing for the City Watch are located. There are plenty of inns not far from the warehouses that are cheap because they cater to the caravan drivers and the guards. If you want to be close but not too close, Beaufield and Langdon are respectable without being too pricy. The farther south you go in the city, the ritzier the buildings and shops. The pickpockets and the grifters stick to the northeast side of town, away from the wharves and close to the main entrance to the city."

I twisted so I could glance over my shoulder at Adeline. "Really? I thought the criminal element of the city would keep a close watch on all the merchandise moving in and out of the town."

"Most towns, yes, but not in Riverhold. The governor of Riverhold is a former general for King Gerald Montcroix. He runs the City Watch like a military regiment. With the port being a major source of income for Edros, he is protective of it, making sure the criminal element stays out." Adeline skipped up and tossed one arm across my shoulders. Nylian gave her a warning look, as though he expected the woman to slip a knife between my ribs with the other hand. I ignored him as she continued. "But Governor Brimsey is a smart man. He knows if he tries to run all the criminals out of town, he'll have chaos on his hands, so the watch is a little slack on the east side."

"Which keeps the darker elements of the city happy," I finished for her.

"Exactly."

"We should search for a place to stay along Beaufield Lane," Nylian announced before heading in the direction Adeline had indicated. The thief released me, and Nylian seemed to relax as we continued on. I tried to keep my attention on the street in front of me so the elf didn't have to worry so much about me walking into something or stirring up trouble.

After three tries and no vacancies, we located a quaint and cozy hotel called Thistle Dew Nicely Inn. I stared at the sign featuring a mouse curled up on the head of a thistle with a tiny blanket drawn over it and cringed. This was not my fault. There was no way I'd done this. I couldn't have. No, I refused to accept responsibility for such a pun. This book had run amuck with itself. Prior to falling off that bridge, I had been writing a serious adventure book of political intrigue and redemption.

Okay, so maybe I'd also planned a lot of gratuitous sex, but readers loved sex scenes.

I did not write puns. Especially bad ones like that.

This was not my fault.

"Lockhart?"

My gaze jerked over to where Nylian was standing in the doorway, holding the door open for me, his eyebrows lifted in question.

"Yeah, sorry. Coming," I mumbled.

The inn was lovely and clean, so long as you could overlook the explosion of white doilies that covered every surface and the delicate teacups everywhere, waiting for a careless bump to send them crashing to the floor. I grabbed the edges of my cloak and pulled it close to my body while keeping my other hand on my sword, trying to make myself as small as possible so I wouldn't knock anything over.

As I was adjusting to my surroundings, I turned toward the check-in counter to find it "manned" by a goblin. My mouth fell open as I watched it hop up onto a stool and flip open a thick registry book with long, bony fingers and curled black nails. The creature had enormous pointed ears sticking out from either side of its melon head, with a pair of dangly metal earrings hanging from each. Perched on its long hooked nose were a pair of slender glasses, while a pearl-and-beaded chain ran from the glasses to loop around the goblin's neck. But the most confounding thing was the goblin's hair.

In all the pictures I'd ever seen drawn of goblins, the monsters were hairless. Yet this one had a curly white beehive rising from the top of its skull. Was it…was it wearing a wig? It was as if someone had turned their gray-haired granny into a goblin.

"How many rooms will you be needing?" the goblin inquired, its mouth spreading into a wide grin full of crooked yellow teeth.

"Two?" Nylian turned and cocked his head at me. "Two rooms? Or shall we share?—"

"Two rooms would be perfect," I cut him off, forcing a stiff smile. In Misty Pass I'd been terrified of the elf leaving me behind. After all the miles we traveled and conversations we'd shared, as well as that strange encounter in the stream, I was less concerned with him abandoning me. Right now, what I needed most was a bath and some privacy to think.

We both signed the register, and the goblin snagged a couple of keys. The iron one she handed to me, while Nylian received a key that looked to be made of bronze. This time, I was the one who placed the money on the counter while smirking at the elf.

"I believe this makes us even," I taunted.

Nylian grunted, grinning back at me. "It's a good start."

A loud and obnoxious clearing of someone's throat shattered our moment. Adeline's throat, specifically.

We turned as one to find the diminutive thief glaring at us with her hands on her hips. Jasper hovered a few feet away, clutching his grimoire, his face red and directed toward the ground. Not that he had anything to be embarrassed about. We were the ones trying to run out on our debt. She was the good businessperson hunting down cheap-ass customers.

"We told you we don't have that kind of money on us," Nylian repeated. "It will take some time to get it. For now, you know where to find us if you and your brother wish to take accommodations somewhere else in the city."

"Oh, hell no!" She marched up to the counter, elbowed me out of the way, and slapped a two coins on the shining wood. "One room, please." She scowled at Nylian and me. "If you think for a second I'm letting you two out of my sight, you're out of your minds. You're not leaving Riverhold until I get paid."

"Yes, yes. You'll get paid," Nylian muttered. He grabbed my elbow and pulled me to the stairs so we could find our rooms. Not surprisingly, we were right across from each other on the third floor.

After unlocking my door, I didn't get more than a peek inside before Nylian called for me.

"Lockhart? Are you staying in this evening?"

I blinked at him for a moment, not expecting him to ask about my plans. "I thought I would do some shopping. There are some things I was hoping to pick up."

He nodded once. "Allow me to wash off, and I'll meet you downstairs."

Wincing, I fought the urge to backpedal. After clinging to him so tightly, I felt bad attempting to get rid of him now. "Actually, I was hoping to do some exploring on my own while there's still sunlight. You've got to be tired of me stepping on your heels, anyway."

Nylian's expression closed off, making him impossible to read, but I couldn't shake the feeling that he was disappointed.

"But we could find a proper restaurant to eat in this evening. A place with carefully cooked food and greens. My treat!"

The elf hesitated, his gaze softening as he rubbed one finger along his jaw. "Are you sure you'll be okay on your own?"

"Positive. I think I can manage a couple of hours alone without getting killed."

"Okay. We'll meet in front of the inn two hours from now so you can treat me to a meal."

"Excellent!" I darted into my room and closed the door, willing my heart to slow down to a normal pace. This wasn't lying to Nylian. Well, not more than I'd done already. I needed to run some errands and find someone to look at this damn coin.

What was I supposed to do? Tell him I wasn't from this world? Yeah, that would go over so well. He'd kill me on the spot for being insane.

No.

No, he wouldn't.

But he wouldn't believe me, and I was sure that would hurt him. There was nothing that could make me hurt him. The guy was going through enough bullshit with people plotting against him. He didn't need my brand of nonsense fucking up his life.

This was one secret he didn't need to know about. I could keep this one thing from him and still help him get to the truth.

With that reassurance that I could get it all done and not destroy Nylian's world, I tossed my cloak and sword onto the bed with the rather nice quilt, and walked over to the washbasin, where I splashed some water onto my face. My wavy reflection in the mirror showed a bedraggled man who'd spent too many days on the road. I cleaned up as best I could before jetting out the door again, though I might have peeked into the hallway first to make sure I wasn't about to run into Nylian. I didn't trust him to not trail after me if he spotted me.

The hallway was empty, just like the lobby. Nylian was nowhere in sight. Adeline and Jasper were also missing. Probably in their room, getting cleaned up and talking about their next steps. I wouldn't put it past Jasper to convince his sister to let him sneak into Ulmenor.

As I stepped onto the cobblestone sidewalk, I sent up a silent prayer for Adeline to be able to rein in her brother. Ulmenor might be a great opportunity for him, but it was too dangerous.

That thought evaporated from my poor brain as I fell into the flow of people rushing to get the last of their day's errands done. Some were carrying sacks of goods while others had servants following them, their arms loaded with items. Children were running about, shouting, laughing, and weaving between the citizens.

As my nerves were about to run away with me, I clamped down on my rampaging fears and picked a direction at random. This didn't differ from shopping in my world. I kept one hand on my pouch to discourage pickpockets and kept my head constantly moving, remaining aware of my surroundings.

For this trip, I would venture along a block, go over one, and then head back so there was no danger of me getting lost within the city. It was as I told Adeline; we would be here for a few days. If I didn't find what I was searching for on this trip, I would keep trying until I succeeded.

After that first block, the tension tightening every muscle in my shoulders eased, and I drew my first deep breath. Scents of delicious food wafted past my nose, causing my stomach to growl, but I kept moving. I wanted my first good meal to be with Nylian.

On the second block, my feet stopped as I took in the names of the shops, taverns, and inns.

I must have been fucking drunk one night. That was the only answer I could come up with.

There was a cobbler's shop called Sole Mate. Two clothing makers named Clothes Minded and Fit Sew Good. And squeezed between them was a vibrant inn with a big wooden sign out front with several heads of lettuce on it. The name…Lettuce Inn.

Who did this?

Who in their right mind did this shit to their book?

I was trying to write something serious, goddammit!

Puns had their place, but not in my books.

Unless I was bored, desperate, drunk, or all three. In my case, it was probably all the above. I had no one to blame but myself.

Despite their pun-tastic names, the businesses appeared very popular with the people of Riverhold. At least their names weren't holding them back.

My first stop was at a stationery shop called The Griffon's Quill. There I met an older gentleman with thick glasses and ink stains on his hands who was thrilled to set me up with a stack of blank pages, two fine quills from a hawk, and a small inkwell. As crazy as I might have sounded, I needed to write down what I could remember of the book before it evaporated from my head.

I returned to the street with my goods secured in a tidy bundle and was continuing along the way I'd been traveling when a sharp, sudden movement caught my eye. I whipped around, searching the area for the shadowy figure, but the person was long gone.

Prior to darting into The Griffon's Quill, I'd gotten the creeping feeling that I was being followed. I'd assumed that I hadn't avoided Nylian, and it was the elf who was trailing me, but the glimpse I'd caught hadn't been of Nylian. This person was shorter than me and I thought I'd seen short, gray hair.

Maybe I was being paranoid. Who would follow me? I was no one.

With a sigh, I walked past a few more buildings until I reached the Emerald Petal Soaps and Perfumes shop. Yes, it was a store that catered to women, which would explain why I was the only man in the building. The second I stepped inside, all talking stopped so that it was now suffocatingly silent.

But I did not care. I was at the very end of my patience with my current state of being.

A young woman in a simple dress with a white apron tied about her waist edged up to me. Her round face was frightfully pale, and she struggled to meet my gaze as she inquired, "Uh…milord…can I…help you?"

"I hope you can. I've been on the road for many days. Do you have soaps to make me stop smelling like a week-dead ogre? Also, it would be great if you have a lotion to treat my dry skin and something for my hair. It's been so frizzy lately."

That right there shattered the ice that had frozen the room.

The shop worker smiled brightly at me as she led me over to a shelf with different soaps and pretty glass jars of other substances. Within a few minutes, the other customers were surrounding me, offering suggestions while complaining that the men in their lives didn't take nearly good enough care of their hair.

Look, I wasn't one of those guys who needed fifty products just to care for my skin, but I also was not one of those assholes who thinks those all-in-one bottles of cleaner is going to cover it. I enjoyed having soft, unblemished skin. I'd been lucky enough to be zapped into a body with great fucking hair, and I wanted to keep it that way. And yeah, maybe I didn't want to spend my days smelling like a rotting carcass.

Unfortunately, it took almost an hour to escape that shop with my brand-new heavy bundle of products that I hoped would survive the trip into Ulmenor, because I'd dropped far more coins in that shop than I should have.

Yet again, I saw the shadowy blur as soon as I stepped out onto the street. This time I tried to follow it, but this person was too fast for me and I was unwilling to dart down the narrow, dark alley without someone to watch my back.

Telling myself that it was a pickpocket, I returned to my previous course and hit my last stop, The Celestial Spell.

No, I refused to stop in the wizard shop called Dispel and That Spell.

I entered the dimly lit building, and the thick scent of old incense assaulted my nose. A soft twinkling chime echoed through the room, winding between the tall, overflowing bookshelves and the various herbs hanging from the ceilings. There were all kinds of raw crystals and minerals on low tables, reflecting the dancing candlelight. In a lot of ways, the store reminded me of Mother Thistle's rickety house in Misty Pass, with its general sense of chaos.

"Halloooo!" a man from the rear of the room called out. "Welcome to The Celestial Spell."

Weaving between the tables and shelves, I followed the voice to a man in robes that reminded me of Jasper's, except they were newer and covered in stars and crescent moons. He had the prerequisite long white beard, bushy eyebrows, and wrinkled face behind tiny wire-rimmed spectacles. He looked the part of a wizard.

The wizard put his hand on his forehead and closed his eyes. "Let me see…you're here for a love spell."

"No, I?—"

The man's brow scrunched up farther and beads of sweat popped out to sparkle in the low light. "A curse. Someone in your family is trying to steal your inheritance, and you need a curse to stop them."

"No. What I need?—"

"You need me to gaze into your future, and tell you what dangers lie in your path."

I sighed. "No."

The man dropped his hand and huffed, glaring at me through his glasses. "Really, boy. I'm getting nothing from you. You're going to need to help me out here."

I placed all of my packages on the cluttered counter that separated us and dug into my coin pouch for the infamous coin. "This. I need you to look at this coin and tell me about it. I found it over a week ago, and…well…" I hesitated, the words dying on my tongue. Did I need to tell him I was from another world? "Can you just look at it?"

The coin resting in the center of my palm, I held it out to the man, the candlelight sliding over the shiny gold to illuminate the raven with its wings spread wide. It appeared exactly the same as the day I'd found it.

The wizard stared at it for a second and extended one hand to pick it up, but his withered fingers never even scraped the surface. He jerked his hand away on a noisy gasp and jumped from me. The man was practically climbing the giant shelf behind him to get away from me. Or rather, he was trying to escape the coin.

"Out! Out of here right now!" the wizard screeched, pointing a trembling finger at the door.

His terror ripped the air from my lungs. His already pale face had taken on a waxy texture and was now covered in sweat. I didn't want to give the man a heart attack, but he knew something. "But do you know what this is? Where it came from?"

"No! And I don't want to know! You-you-you get that thing out of here and never come back!"

"But—"

"It's evil. It was made from evil. Get rid of it. But get out of here first!"

"This thing stole me from my home and brought me here. How do I get home?" I demanded, as I slipped the coin into my pouch.

Only when it was out of sight did the wizard move away from the shelves. He rushed to the counter and shoved all of my packages into my arms. "I don't know, and I don't care. Never return here. You and that coin are bad luck."

I opened my mouth to argue with him, but I didn't get the chance. A large puff of bright-purple smoke covered him. As soon as the smoke cleared and I stopped choking, the wizard was gone.

Fuck.

That had not progressed how I'd expected at all.

Frustrated as hell, I stomped out of the shop and stopped as a blur caught my attention. I ran after it, but the person disappeared down another alley before I could get a good look at them. Tightening my fingers on my bundles, I peered into the darkness, trying to decide whether I was pissed enough to try it.

"Searching for someone?"

I yelped. It wasn't a manly sound, but there was no stopping it. Nylian had whispered the question right in my ear, and I hadn't even heard him approach over the pounding of my heart.

"Asshole!" I shouted in his face, which made him smile even wider at me. I paused, glaring at the alley and then at him. "Have…have you been following me?"

"I have," Nylian admitted without an ounce of remorse.

"But…" My words drifted off. That feeling of being watched had been true, but I had been sure the shadow I saw was too small for Nylian.

"But I'm not the only one following you," Nylian admitted. He plucked the largest package out of my arms and lifted it to his nose, giving it a sniff. "That's nice. Not too overwhelming. Soothing."

For a second, I almost offered to share my soaps with him. Thankfully, I came to my senses and ripped us back to the topic at hand. "Did you see who is following me?"

Nylian lowered the hand holding the package, seeming content to carry it for me. "I glimpsed the person when you were in the soap shop." The elf frowned at me. "You took a long time in there, and I got bored. Did you need to have so many women fawning over you?"

"That wasn't my goal," I huffed.

"But I saw the person while you were in the wizard's shop. Shall we catch this person?"

"Yes," I hissed through clenched teeth. After the failure with the wizard, I wanted to get at least one useful answer today. It made little sense for anyone to follow me, so I could only guess that this person was trailing me, hoping to get at Nylian. That was not a good idea.

"All right. You head down that alley and stand in the center. I'll chase him toward you."

Before I could argue with him, Nylian had zipped away, nearly disappearing into the crowd in the blink of an eye. There was nothing I could do but follow his instructions. At least the load in my arms was lighter, and I'd be able to draw one of my daggers.

The stench of the alley threatened to make the meager contents of my stomach escape my body. There was a squish under my boots as I walked. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I was careful to keep my gaze up. When this was over, I was going to take the world's longest bath. Nylian would have to wait for our dinner.

Thankfully, after less than a minute pounding footsteps echoed off the buildings, drawing closer to me. A couple of seconds later, a short older man with sweat glistening on his face and eyes wide with panic rushed at me. The moment his eyes caught my face, he put on the brakes, panting fiercely.

Nylian joined us a second later, seeming as if he were barely jogging to keep up with the man. The playful expression on his sharp features was gone, and he looked decidedly fierce. Did he recognize this stranger?

"Here's your stalker," Nylian murmured.

"Please, Your Highness! You must forgive me! When we lost you, I became so worried," the stranger blurted out, his eyes darting from me to Nylian and back again.

I looked at Nylian, half expecting him to be amused, but his earlier coldness was now directed at me.

"He's talking to you, not me… Your Highness ," Nylian stated, twisting those final two words into an awful sneer.

"What?" That single question left me in a breathless gasp as I stumbled until I hit the building behind me. My legs were threatening to give out as my brain raced to comprehend what was happening. I hadn't been zapped to this world and placed in a random new body? I had been reborn as someone in particular? Someone from a royal family?

But how?

Who?

"Watch your tongue, you vile elf!" the old man snapped. "He is Prince Victor Montcroix, and these are his lands. You will show him respect!"

Oh, fuck no!

No. No. No. No.

This was a disaster.

I couldn't be him. Victor Montcroix was a self-centered, power-hungry monster. And someone who'd made the very top of the short list of people who could have been Prince Orian's killer.

Oh, fuck me.