10. Aria

10

ARIA

The weight of the blankets is the only thing keeping me grounded today. Outside, it's all pretty fall colors. Inside? It's a Category 5 shitstorm in my head. It's my day off, the one day of the week all girls look forward to, when they can rot in peace. I've collected all the blankets and pillows in my little humble abode.

I only woke up half an hour ago, and I've done nothing but lie here, staring out my window as my emotions rise and fall. I'm doing the perfect impression of a sloth. Fall always brings a melancholic touch to my thoughts. It's boring, in my opinion. Pretty, yes, but there isn't a whole lot to look forward to. The leaves fall, and sure, they are beautiful, with all the crazy colors they have, but it's a prelude to winter and that season can go fuck itself.

I personally prefer spring. It's bright and beautiful, and there is just so much to look forward to—the scent of blooming flowers and the promise of new beginnings. It's everything fall lacks.

I'm feeling very emotional today. Maybe it's everything that happened over the last couple of days, or maybe it's my memories randomly haunting me. Noah's ghost lingers in the corners of my mind, taunting me with his cruelty.

That's what I get for shoving them far down into my asshole and pretending they don't exist. That's on me, but it isn't like I had a lot of time to process my life during the last six months.

I don't want to either.

I want to pretend I'm sleeping and when I wake up, the world will be exactly as I need it to be—magical, full of love and light and all things good and precious, like baby giggles and stolen moments of love.

Fuck love.

I burrow into my blankets, swallowing my pain. Under here, I can smell my sweet scent of orange Creamsicle. It's a comforting aroma that cocoons me, allowing me to bloom and perfume and do all the things. Hell, I can even masturbate in peace—something I keep trying to do and failing.

How does one fail at masturbating?

Just like that, a forbidden memory crashes over me, dragging me under its dark waves. Tears prickle behind my eyelids as the scene unfolds…

I don't want you.

The words roll over and over in my head as I stare at Noah. His beautiful face is full of cruelty, which he hides from the world but not from me. He sneers as he pulls off his shirt, making my heart thunder as his alpha aura explodes out of him, trapping me in its snare.

Gasping for breath, I stare at him, my heart thundering in my chest as he stalks toward me with predatory glee.

"You can't masturbate, can you, kitten?" he purrs as he stalks closer.

That's what I get when my preheat spikes midday.

He's right—I couldn't get off. All I heard in my head were the toxic whispers that play on repeat in my mind, reminding me that I'm worthless without him, and that I'm nothing without his knot or his alpha aura.

Without him.

I grind my teeth, refusing to answer him, and he stalks closer to pinch my chin and tilt my head up. "Such a beautiful little whore. Want me to take care of you?"

A whimper slips out, and he slides his other hand into my hair, wrapping his fist in the fine strands.

"Get on your knees like the whore you are and beg, Aria," he whispers against my cheek, scent marking me before he pushes me to my knees.

Gasping for breath, I fling off the thick comforter and roll away from my own scent. My stomach clenches as I crawl to the trash bin and dry heave.

Thick, fat tears drip down my face as I wait out the heaves. When they finally subside, I push the trash can away and lie on my floor. The carpet is easily fifty years old and full of grit and grime, but I just can't find it in me to care.

Let me lie here until the pain that Noah's memory brings fades.

For long moments, all I can do is gulp down breath after breath and blink away my tears. They won't help me anyway.

Lying here like this doesn't help me either.

"Fuck it." I sit up and kneel on the floor, breathing through my mouth to block out my own scent. "Six months is long enough to throw myself a pity party."

Reaching for my phone plugged in beside my mattress, I dial Cayenne, knowing it will be the middle of the night for her.

She answers on the third ring. "You okay?" she asks. She doesn't ask why I'm calling her or if I know what time it is, just if I'm okay.

Everyone deserves a friendship like that.

The sob that bursts from me is accompanied by a long, low whine.

"What happened?" She is on instant alert, and I hear her moving through her room. A few things crash before her fingers fly over her keyboard.

The only electronic I have in this entire apartment is this burner phone. It's safer this way. No television. No landline. No tablets. No alarm clocks.

According to Cayenne, if she can hack it, anyone can.

"Nothing." I sniffle and try like hell to get my shit together. "I can't wallow anymore."

Cayenne blows out a breath. "What are you going to do about it?"

"I'm a sitting duck." I press speakerphone and stand up, setting the phone on the mattress as I strip out of my silk jammies. "I can't… I need control. Help me regain my control."

"On it." Her fingers clack over the keyboard, giving me a minute to breathe before she starts spitting options. "There is a gun range two miles from you. That's option one."

I'm already shaking my head before she even gets the words out. "I'd just end up shooting myself in the foot."

"You're right." She snorts, and I hear her yawn.

"I'm sorry for waking you."

"Stop right there," she says, her voice firm but warm. "Don't you dare apologize. You are my person, Aria. If you think I won't burn the world for you, then you need to rethink our friendship." Her words wrap around me like a hug, and for a moment, I can almost feel her beside me, fierce and loyal as always.

"I know you would. I just feel like an energy vampire."

"Some days," she agrees, making me feel shitty. "Sometimes, I'm the vampire," she whispers, "and you never hesitate to step up. That's friendship, Aria."

"Promise?"

"Cross my heart," she murmurs. "There is a yoga class in an hour four blocks away. It may help with your anxiety."

"Noted, but keep going." I grab a sports bra. If worse comes to worse, I'll jog to release my pent-up energy. I hate jogging, but I will so I can focus on how much I hate it over how much I've lost control over my life.

"Group therapy?" she tosses out.

"No." Hell no.

Laughing, she offers, "Judo. There is a class in half an hour, but it's across town."

"Get me a car." I nearly stumble over my own feet, grabbing sweatpants and a T-shirt that's covered in what I'm pretty sure is dinner from last night's take-out session.

"Five minutes," she says, clacking. When it pauses, she says, "I'm proud of you, Aria. Go kick some ass."

I plan to.

Several minutes later, I'm down the steps and just walking up to the curb when a window rolls down, and a man in his early fifties smiles at me. "Aria?"

"That's me."

He holds up his license and proof of ride. I check his license plate and slide into the cushy interior of the car. I say nothing, since it's too damn early for words. I didn't even sleep in. Hell, I barely slept, but right now, adrenaline pumps through my veins as he drives down the street.

I'm going to regain control of my life, and in doing so, I'm going to hone my body into a weapon.

Maybe. No omega ever has, but I had enough time to slap tape on all my glands with onion, so I will smell ripe as fuck by the end, but it's a necessary evil.

"Here we are." He pulls up to a fancy street that looks mostly like homes and very few stores.

Nibbling my cheek, I falter for a second before reminding myself that in order to overcome Noah, I have to work for it.

I carefully slide out of the car and stand on the brightly lit sidewalk as he drives away. The dojo isn't what I expected. It looks like an old dime store that sits on a corner. A few steps lead to the door, where the blinds are broken and there is a crack in the window. It looks sketchy, but Cayenne never leads me astray.

Mustering up my courage, I take a few steps up and open the door. I'm immediately slapped in the face with the sharp scents of lemon cleaner and antiseptic. The familiar dojo smell of sweat and determination lingers underneath. It's fine, comforting even, but it makes me sneeze a few times. The sound echoes in the quiet space, drawing a few curious glances my way.

"Morning!" a woman chirps from my right. "Welcome to Pack Judo." She smiles with perfectly white teeth that only exist in commercials.

Pack Judo… How original.

"Hi." I clear my throat, peering around the small, makeshift seating area with a large window looking into the actual dojo. All I see are mats and a few people stretching. "I was told you have a class starting."

"We sure do. Master Zane runs all beginner classes, and you are just in time." As she speaks, she pulls out a clipboard. "The first class is free. I just need you to sign a consent form here."

Nerves flutter in my stomach as I grab a pen and sign off. With shaking fingers, I put the pen away and exhale my coffee breath, which is also probably the reason my teeth are stained a lovely shade of caramel. Not really, but I'm dramatic.

"Perfect." She smirks. Her short blonde bob perfectly frames her face as she blinks at me. "Go on through and start stretching."

"Okay." Wow, I am on point with my vocabulary today. Tucking my hands into my sweatpants pockets, I head through the door into the quiet dojo. Incense fills the air, and it reminds me of a yoga studio as I plop down on the mat away from everyone.

I'm the only girl in here, the only adult, and likely, the only omega. My stomach twists with a mix of anxiety and determination. Being surrounded by alphas and betas, even if they're just kids, makes my skin prickle. But I force down the urge to flee.

That's fine. I have to start somewhere.

I begin stretching as my gaze wanders around the room. There aren't many accolades anywhere—no trophies or medals, nothing—but it's done in calm greens and grays. Long blinds block out the street, and I'm pretty sure it's also soundproof.

It's peaceful, almost like a nest.

I've never had a nest, and I can't let myself dive too far into that fuckery.

A door opens across the room, and a man steps out dressed in all black, wearing a black belt. His cold blue eyes scan the room, landing on but not really seeing anyone. It's almost as though he's looking right through them. Dark brows almost cover his eyes as he moves to the front of the room and brushes his dark hair off his forehead, then he sits on the mat cross-legged. It's actually impressive he can maneuver his tall body into that shape.

All around me, everyone moves to repeat his movements. Following suit, I sit cross-legged as well as I wait.

"Why are you here?" he asks the room, directing the question at no one in particular. "I want you to think about why as we focus on our breathing to center ourselves." He allows the room to process his words before he carries on. "Close your eyes."

I don't want to close my eyes, but I do because there is something about him that makes me feel safe, which is something that doesn't happen often enough. I close my eyes, hoping the memories stay buried for the next hour.

"Breathe," he whispers to the room, settling me further. Then he does something that has my eyes snapping open all over again. His aura bursts through the room, but it isn't to control or to warn of impending danger. No, it's calm, settling me.

My eyes land on him. He has such a calm persona for having such cruel eyes. Slowly, they open and land on mine, but just for a moment before they close all over again.

I follow suit, trying to think about my why.

Noah. He is my why, but not because I'm foolishly in love with him anymore. No, it's far from that. I'm here because he ruined who I was, and a part of me wishes that I could just erase him from my memories and everything he did to me.

My why is to regain who I once was.

She no longer exists.

Well, that's something I'm not ready to face.

Fine. I'm here to discover who I can become.

"Up!" Zane barks, his voice filled with authority. My legs react before I can even process the command, and I jolt up to my feet in an instant. "At ease."

I look around to figure out what I'm supposed to do. Everyone places their arms behind their back and spreads their legs.

"Your why is crucial," Master Zane states firmly as he paces back and forth at the front of the room. "In times of adversity and challenges, your why anchors you. Today, you each brought a why that pushed you through those doors. By the end of this session, we will refine that why to transcend your ego." He pauses as I roll that through my head. "Look to the person beside you. You will partner up with them for the duration of class."

They are all children, and the one beside me already walked off with another small creature.

"Ma'am." Master Zane is in front of me. How did he move that fast? I blink at him. "I will be your partner today."

I nod, swallowing my nerves. He's hot all right, and he's an alpha—all the things I avoid. In order to overcome my past, though, I need to be able to work with alphas.

Summoning courage from deep within my bowels, I take a leap of faith. As I face Master Zane, my heart pounds in my chest, a mix of fear and excitement coursing through me. This is it, I think. The first step towards reclaiming myself.