Chapter 28

CHAPTER 28

Bowen

MY CHEST TURNS TO ICE AS I WAIT FOR EVELYN’S RESPONSE to my question. It’s been so long since I’ve lost control, and I don’t know that it’s ever happened to this degree. Except … there’s something that almost feels like an echo of a memory lingering in the back of my mind, a surety that I have lost control and someone I cared about died when I did. It must’ve happened before I came to Threshold. It’s the only explanation for the bone-deep fear that rises in response.

“I don’t think so.” Her expression is troubled. “I would really like to promise you didn’t hurt any of the crew, but it was pure chaos in that moment and right afterward. I didn’t see any of them taken out by your magic, but I’m not willing to lie to you just because I’m not sure.”

I exhale in something that’s almost like relief. My body hardly feels like my own. My throat and shoulder are pulsing in agony. I’m not sure I have the strength to move right now. Which is a fucking problem, because we have to get off this beach. “Let’s get going.”

“Nox said there was a safe house thirty minutes up the coast from us. If you don’t have a better idea, I think we should head for it.”

A safe house? What are they talking about? That’s not something the C?n Annwn possesses. There are permanent locations where our people can rest or recover, but they are public knowledge, at least among the crews and captains. A safe house is a secret.

Kanghri on First Sister is to the west, a port town nestled across the strait from its twin, Mairi on Second Sister. Together, they form one of the largest communities in this part of Threshold. It’s not quite as large as Lyari, but no other city in this realm is as large as the capital.

I’ve stopped in Kanghri often enough to know some of the locals. That’s where we have to go if we want to find a ship sailing south to Lyari … but I don’t know if I’m thinking clearly. The size of Kanghri means there’s plenty of danger there, and being a C?n Annwn has been enough protection previously, but I’ve never come to the city on foot, without a crew behind me. Weak. It might be fine, but I can’t guarantee it.

On the other hand, Nox saved us. Maybe we should trust them.

“Let’s go see the safe house. Kanghri is farther away, and Hedd and his crew will likely make port there tonight before they head back south. It would be best if we don’t run into them.”

“I’m not about to argue in favor of seeing that jackass again.”

The walk to the safe house might be thirty minutes for a healthy, able-bodied person, but it takes us the better part of two hours to make our staggering way along the coast. Even then, we almost miss the sign Evelyn was told to look for. The crevasse leads through a narrow canyon and into an open area that houses the … Honestly, calling it a shack might be too generous.

I stare at the rotted boards and walls that I’m nearly certain would collapse if they weren’t shoved into the narrow space between canyon walls. The roof sags precariously and there’s no way it doesn’t leak when it rains. If I’d happened across this place by accident, I would turn around and walk away. I certainly wouldn’t risk life and limb walking through the door that’s held up by a hope and some creative patching.

“For something Nox called a safe house, this doesn’t seem very safe.” It’s a good thing it’s blocked in on all sides, because a mild wind would cause it to collapse.

“Took the words … right out of … my mouth.” Evelyn is propped under my arm, doing her best to keep me upright. It shames me how weak I am, but no amount of stubbornness can override my physical limitations. I can’t even use my magic, either, because it’s drained to dangerous levels. I’m shaking in a way that has nothing to do with my wound and everything to do with overextending myself.

We don’t have any other options. We can’t turn around and make the trek back to Kanghri. As much as I don’t want to walk through that door, it’s got to be better than sleeping in the open in damp clothes. “Let’s check it out.”

Pushing through the creaking door, I expect to be met with cobwebs and maybe a few mice. Instead, we walk into a cozy little living room. The furniture is all faded, but clean. Same with the floor underfoot, and the maritime paintings on the walls.

“Another pocket realm?” Evelyn gives a pained laugh. “I always thought this kind of thing was more myth than anything else, and you have them just lying around all over the place.”

“They’re not as common as all that,” I say absently, still jarred by my expectations coming up against the reality of the room we stand in. “They’re incredibly expensive, because there are only so many people who can create them. This isn’t a pocket realm, though. It’s clever construction and a bit of theatrics.” This place doesn’t seem abandoned. It almost feels like someone just stepped out, like the room is holding its breath waiting for its occupant to return. “Hello?”

“It’s empty. Can you feel it?”

“All I feel is exhausted.”

Evelyn gives a tired laugh. “Why don’t you sit down and I’ll do a little magic to make sure we’re truly alone.” She pauses. “But maybe you should take off your wet clothes before you do.”

I don’t want to admit that I don’t have the strength to undress, but Evelyn senses it all the same. She slips out from under my arm and in a few minutes has divested me of all my clothes and wrapped me in a knitted blanket. She presses me down onto the couch and frowns at my throat. “Maybe we should have taken the route to the city and gotten you to a healer.”

We’ll have to get me properly patched up before we try to leave Three Sisters, but even if we managed to make it to the city, I don’t currently have the strength to deal with Cato, the only healer I trust in Kanghri. “Do your sweep and then we’ll talk.”

It pains me to sit in place and wait for her to return. This building is larger that I would’ve guessed; several rooms seeming to be carved out of the cliff itself. It’s cleverly done. Everything about this house’s exterior is designed to prevent people from paying too much attention. In that, it serves its purpose as a safe house … but who is it a safe house for? The C?n Annwn don’t utilize such things. They—we—operate out in the open. There’s no group more powerful in Threshold, so we don’t need to hide to be safe.

Evelyn returns several minutes later with another blanket. She strips with shaking hands and dumps her wet clothes in a pile next to mine. “I’ll clean that up in a minute, but—”

“Come here.”

Again, she doesn’t argue. She slips carefully into my lap and wraps her blanket over the space mine doesn’t reach. Her skin is clammy and cold and I hold her close as our temperatures start to readjust. I don’t know that we’re in a worse position than we were back on Sarvi, but it’s certainly not better. “Once we’ve warmed up a little, I’ll start a fire.”

She points a shaking finger at the fireplace and a violet flame erupts among the wood stacked there. “Got it.”

I pull her closer. “That was unnecessary. Save your strength.”

“No, you save your strength.” She buries her face in my chest. “There’s a full working kitchen through that door. The pantry is completely stocked. I don’t recognize all the food, but most of it seems to be nonperishable. There’s also an ice chest filled with different prepared soups. I don’t think anyone’s been through here in the last couple days, but it hasn’t been longer than a few weeks, either.”

We aren’t technically on the run. Yes, I disobeyed an order, but it was in the pursuit of doing what the Council commanded us to do. Kill the mermaids. I’m nearly certain that’s not enough to get me branded as a traitor, but that’s two ships turning me out in less than a week. Someone is bound to take notice if it keeps happening, and I can’t see a scenario where it doesn’t keep happening. I no longer have the ability to mindlessly obey without pushing back.

No, there has to be some other way. Some other route. Something. Because every time I misstep, I put Evelyn in danger. Unacceptable. “I don’t know how to get you home yet, but we’ll figure it out.”

She lifts her head and glares at me. “Is that what you think I’m worried about right now? You almost died. Several times. In a very short sequence of events. If I leave now, I’m going to spend the rest of my life worried that you charged nobly into the next conflict you came across and got your silly honorable head chopped right off your shoulders.” Her lower lip quivers. “Don’t ask me to do that, Bowen. Either come with me … or …”

I can’t stand to see her sad. Something almost akin to panic rises inside me, and I speak the first thing that comes to mind. “Do you know, I think there’s a good chance I came from the portal on the first island where you tried to escape.” I don’t intend to voice the suspicion that’s been growing inside me. “I knew too much about the cat-sìth. Even its name. That knowledge didn’t come from being one of the C?n Annwn. It came from the time before.”

She stares at me. “If that’s true … do you want to go through the portal? To figure out what you left behind?”

“No,” I say slowly. “There’s something bad lingering in the back of my mind. I suspect I’ll have to deal with it eventually, but I’m not in a hurry to face it. I don’t think what happened aboard the Audacity is the first time I lost control like that. I think last time it happened, I hurt people I didn’t mean to.”

“But it would be a familiar realm. That’s more than we can say for most of the others. If we escape there—”

“Then nothing changes.” I speak the words softly and yet they still feel like a giant boulder dropped in the middle of a still pool. It’s the truth I’ve been working toward, the one I wasn’t ready to face. What’s the point of going back to the first thirteen years of my life when all I’ll be able to focus on is the evil I’ve perpetuated through the last twenty? Because that’s what it is. Evil.

Even now, there’s a part of me that pushes back against that word. It doesn’t matter. It’s the truth. “I never wanted to hurt anyone. I only wanted to protect them. But what the fuck do my intentions matter when I’m serving an unjust system? I have been a tool used for reasons I don’t understand yet.” I look at her, knowing that my next words will be the ones that end things with her for good. “I can’t change what I’ve done. But I can change what I do next. I want answers. More than that, I want to set things right.”

Her eyes shine with unshed tears. “You’re going to get yourself killed. You’re only one man against how many fucking C?n Annwn? And that’s not even getting into the Council or the elder gods that may or may not still be lurking around somewhere. What can you possibly do against those odds?”

“I don’t know.” I brush her hair back from her face and cup her jaw. “But if they’re going to hunt me, then I’m going to give them a damn good reason to do it. Not by running away. By fighting.”

The trembling in her lower lip gets more pronounced. “That is the most foolish, self-sacrificing, paladin thing you’ve ever said.” A single tear escapes the corner of her eye. “Bunny is probably doing backflips of glee in the afterlife. She has to be, because I’ve never loved you more. I guess that makes me just as much a noble fool as you.”

Is she saying what I think she’s saying? Surely not. “But you want to go home.”

“Of course I do. That realm is the only one I’ve ever known. It’s the only one that contains places I spent time with Bunny.” She takes deep breath. “But unless there’s another portal home lying around …”

I wish I could tell her something positive. I slowly shake my head. “As far as I’ve experienced, there’s a single portal on each island.”

“A portal that’s now destroyed. I have no one to blame for that but myself. But even if it was still open, I find myself in the same position that you are. I can spend the rest of my life chasing my past … or I can move into the future.”

“Threshold is a realm of magic beyond knowing. There’s nothing to say that portal was your only way home. There might be others. It’s not as if I know every secret about this place.”

“There’s nothing to say it isn’t.” She shakes her head. “No. I’m not going to keep chasing a fool’s dream when there’s a very real fight to be had here. One that maybe I can help with. One where I might have a future.”

Hope is a horrible, nebulous thing. If I don’t ask the question then I can stay in this moment of not knowing. There’s magic in ignorance; haven’t I learned that lesson several times over by now? But if I’m going to start being brave and searching for answers, that needs to start now. “A future with me?”

It’s hard to tell in the growing shadows, but I’m nearly certain that Evelyn blushes crimson. She won’t quite meet my gaze. “I don’t know that you want me on your side if you’re starting a revolution. I’m just a witch who also happens to be good at picking pockets.”

The hope in my chest unfurls with a strength that makes me want to howl at the moon. She’s really saying what I didn’t dare wish she’d say. She’s staying. In Threshold. With me.

I gently urge her to face me. “There’s no ‘just’ about it. I want you by my side. No stipulations. No conditions. No caveats. But you are a value, Evie. You ask questions that need asking, and that’s worth its weight in gold. People like you, too. They’re scared of me, but they instantly warm up to you.” She opens her mouth, no doubt to argue some more, and I press my finger to her lips. “I understand if you don’t want to fight. This isn’t your battle. But never say that you’re not valuable. You are to me.”

“There you go again, saying all the right things.”

“I never say the right things.” My laugh feels choked. “Or at least you’re the only one who thinks so.”

She wraps her hand around my wrist and squeezes a little. “Bowen, this feels really big. Like really big.”

“I know.” In the space of a single conversation everything has changed. My heart doesn’t know whether it wants to twist itself up in knots or beat right out of my chest. I can’t catch my breath. “But if you change your mind—at any point—I will help you find a way home. I promise.”

“I know you will.” She releases my hand and slowly stands. “It’s absolute foolishness to fall in love with you, and yet here I am.”

I shake my head sharply. Did she just say what I think—hope, gods, I hope—she said? “Say it again.”

“Bowen.”

“Say it again, Evie. Please.”

She wets her lips, her blush a fearsome thing. “I’m falling in love with you. I’m feeling very awkward with the realization, so please don’t make a big deal about it.”

A big deal about it. Gods, I really do love this woman. Only she would confess something so world-shattering and ask me to pretend like it’s just a normal thing to confess. When I finally manage to speak, my voice is rough. “I’m falling with you. Never think you’re alone in this.”

“Oh. Well. Good. Um. Yes, okay.” She drags her hands through her hair and winces. “Look, I know this isn’t romantic, but I’m kind of freaking out a little and we’re about to embark on a freaking war against the most powerful faction in Threshold and my ex still wants to kill us, so maybe we just let this simmer for a little while?”

It’s everything I can do to keep from lunging to my feet, picking her up, and spinning us around until we’re both dizzy. “Okay.”

“Okay. Great.” She backs away slowly. “I’m going to take a shower and put on some clothes. Don’t touch your wound. I don’t have magic to accelerate the healing beyond whatever has already been done. That spell won’t prevent you from reopening it if you fuck with it.”

It’s only when she walks out of the room that I collapse back against the couch. I’ve never been weaker in my life, more helpless, and yet I find myself grinning like a fool. Hope. Is that the thing I’ve been missing my entire life? Well, hope and Evelyn. Even a perspective change wouldn’t have been enough to put me on this path without her at my shoulder, asking me questions I didn’t have answers for.

Now we’ll find the answers together.