29. Mutt

"W-what?" Jeffrey's voice broke.

"Please," I said softly, grabbing his wrists, and pulling them to me so I could press a kiss to each palm. "I need you to."

"I'm not going to hurt you," Jeffrey was shaking, and I hated that it was my fault. "Why are you asking me that? I…I can't. I won't—I—I'm not a monster."

This hadn't been what he wanted.

I knew that.

But I hadn't been able to stop myself.

"I'm not asking you because I think you're a monster." My heart hurt for him. "I'm asking you because I love you." He sucked in a breath. "Because I am sick," I kissed his palm again, my body shaking. "Because I need you to put me out of my misery. Before I do something I can never come back from."

And then something spectacular and horrible happened.

Because for the first time since I'd met him Jeffrey's eyes flooded with tears. His lashes became spiky, salt dripping down his cheeks as he stared at me like I was killing him. I'd never seen him cry like this. I'd seen him shake and twitch, sure, seen him hold himself together.

But I'd never truly seen him crumble apart.

Jeffrey cried then.

He cried and cried and cried.

These great, gasping sobs. Like he'd cracked right down the middle. "No, no, no." He shook his head, trembling all over. "No. You can't—you can't ask me that."

"I'm sorry," I said, because I'd known it was selfish even before the words had escaped. "I'm sorry, sweet one." I pulled him down and into my arms, and he folded immediately, limp as a rag doll.

"No no no no."

"Shhhh, I'm sorry." I cradled him close, kissing his cheeks, and the salt, then his temples and his ears. "Shh, I know. I know. I'm sorry."

"I can't—I can't?—"

"I know," I rocked him, heart aching. I knew I shouldn't have asked but I just…fuck.

It was wrong. It was so wrong. But I thought…if Jeffrey was the one to put me down, maybe it wouldn't hurt.

"I would never hurt you." Jeffrey sobbed, clinging to me tight. Higher than he ever had before. His grip was bruising, fingers biting into my body. "I'll fix it. I'll fix it. I swear I will. I promised I would. I just need a little more time—I'll fix it."

He couldn't.

He couldn't, but I didn't tell him that.

Because my worst fear had just come true.

I'd hurt him. I'd hurt him and I couldn't go back. I couldn't fix it. I couldn't take it back.

"I'm sorry," I murmured, nuzzling his ear, my own tears spilling into his sweat-damp hair. "I'm sorry."

"I—I—" Jeffrey hiccuped. "Don't make me. Don't make me. "

"I know." He was a child in my arms, quaky and scared. Looking to his alpha for guidance. I hated this. Not because I didn't want him to rely on me. But only because I knew this would be the last time he'd get to.

I could feel my wolf even now. Unanchored. Drifting. Tearing at the surface of my skin. The fear that coursed through my veins only made it worse. Soon I'd be unsafe. Soon I'd maim and murder—kill those I cared for the most.

I could kill Jeffrey.

And I'd never even know I did.

I sucked in a breath. "I'm sorry," I murmured again, fluttering kisses on his face, on his nose, down his throat. "I'm sorry." Jeffrey shuddered in my grip.

He cried for a long time.

For long enough the moon rose high and the air grew brutally cold. Half-melted snow crunched beneath our feet as I stood, carrying him in my arms. The trees waved along the path but I paid them no heed, my smile absent as I walked us back to his car before Jeffrey could catch a cold. His breath came out in foggy puffs, and he curled into me, brave even now. Letting me hold him, because he trusted me, even after what I'd just done.

Trusted me even though every person he'd ever trusted had hurt him.

Noble.

Even now.

Even when he was hurting, just as much as I was. I could smell it in the air as easily as I could smell the citrus-bright of his scent.

"I swear I will," Jeffrey promised, face buried in my chest, muffled. " I'll fix it. "

"You can't." I hardly recognized my own voice, it was so hoarse. When we got to the car, I pulled the door open and carefully set him down. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize to me." Before the door could shut, Jeffrey reached for me, curling his fingers around my wrists and tugging till I filled the gap between him and the woods. Even after he released me, I remained obediently still. Jeffrey's thumbs skimmed my cheekbones, a hot tear dashing down my cheek as I memorized the feel of them. Memorized how long they were. Memorized the brush of his palms and the scratch of the pads of his fingers. "Just…just tell me what's happening? Explain so I can understand why you would ask me something so…so awful."

He was brave.

He was so brave.

So strong.

He would survive this, I knew he would.

And I supposed…the time to protect him from the truth had already passed. There was only forward. There was only the moon and its cruel caress. There were only the handful of days I had left, and I only had one heart. One heart I'd already given him.

I'd trusted him with that.

The least I should do is trust him with the truth.

"I'm going feral," I said, and it was easy. It was easy. Like it wasn't this horrible, awful thing that had stolen my childhood from me. Like it wasn't the end of my life. Like it wasn't a nightmare only alphas had to face, one I'd been fighting for years.

"Feral?" Jeffrey made a sound. His scent was confused, and I sighed, forcing my eyes open to meet his gaze.

"I'm an alpha," I said softly.

"I know."

"How much do you know about wolves?" My hands found his hips, fingers digging in—clawless now that I'd settled. I made sure to keep my tone gentle and sweet as I spoke.

"I dunno. Not much. Lydia taught me some—" Lydia again. I hated her so fucking much. I growled, and Jeffrey laughed, smacking at my chest. The fact he could still laugh made me settle a little. He was strong. So incredibly strong. I'd always thought so. "And I've been researching on my own."

"I have three forms," I started, because it was easiest this way. Rip the Band-Aid off.

"Right," Jeffrey nodded, staring at me, his dark eyes warm and frightened.

"My wolfskin."

"The one you use when you're pretending to be my dog," Jeffrey interrupted.

I blinked, shocked.

"What?"

My ears rang.

"Dude, I figured that out months ago," Jeffrey laughed, but then he sobered. "Just…just keep explaining? It doesn't matter. It's water under the bridge. I don't even fucking care."

I didn't know what bridge water had to do with anything, but I didn't ask. "You're not angry?"

"No." Jeffrey shook his head. "Why would I be?"

"I lied."

"You did," he shrugged, his eyes still wet. There were tear streaks on his cheeks, and his skin was splotchy red. He was a mess. A complete mess. And he'd never been prettier. I wrestled his keys from his pocket, repeating the motion I'd seen him do a dozen times, before shoving them in the ignition. The heater blasted, and I relaxed, turning my attention back to him as he warmed up.

"Did you do it because you wanted to hurt me?" he asked softly, even though his eyes said they already knew the answer.

"No." My throat felt tight. "I just…I just wanted…to keep you safe. I promised. "

Jeffrey nodded, like that was all the answer he needed, and then he waited patiently for me to continue. "Your wolfskin," he repeated, to show me he'd been listening. "What else?"

"My humanskin, like I'm wearing now."

"Right."

"And my alphaskin. That's what I was…when you came to the house two moons ago." I'd remembered him, which was…odd. Normally I didn't remember anything. "That's why Theo turned you away."

"Right," Jeffrey frowned, hands impossibly warm when they moved back to clutch my cheeks.

"When an alpha starts going feral they have to find a mate," I explained, voice tight.

"I know," Jeffrey nodded. "I know. I'm trying… There's gotta be a way around it. And if not, we can find you one." I wasn't sure how he knew that, but figured I shouldn't be surprised. "I read up on it. If I can find you someone else—a wolf to mate with—you'll survive. You can bond with them. You'll be saved."

He was a clever one, so clever. And he'd been running around like crazy the last couple months trying to help me. But still…there were some things only wolves knew, and he'd sounded hopeful, and I just…I couldn't let him cling to that, not when it would only hurt him more in the long run.

He deserved the truth. I'd kept it from him long enough.

"It's not that simple," I said softly, because it wasn't. And he needed to understand. I didn't want him to mourn me before I was gone but I respected him too much to hide the truth from him any longer. "Bonding with someone else hasn't been an option for me for a long time. Not since I met you."

"I don't know what you mean."

I supposed that was fair. For so long I'd guarded this secret, and that seemed silly now, especially when I'd made my choice.

" You're my mate," I admitted, voice wobbling, heart cracking open.

"I'm your—but I can't?—"

"Yes," I could hardly breathe. Jeffrey looked like he was going to throw up, because he knew as well as I did, apparently, what that meant.

"But I'm—I don't… I don't understand. " Jeffrey was quiet for what felt like an eternity. The trees rustled, and the whisper of the wind blanketed the silence. When he spoke, he looked as though he'd seen a ghost, all the color having drained from his face. "How can I be your mate? I'm not a wolf. You can't bond with me."

"That may be true, but I choose you anyway," I said simply. "I may have wondered at first why the moon mother had played a joke on the both of us, making a human my fated one, but I understand now . I understand. Because you are harmony. You are warmth. You are the peace I have always searched for."

"What the fuck." Jeffrey's voice was hoarse, like he was reciting something he'd read. His scent was pain-pain-pain. "What the fuck—and you?—"

"Will not mate with anyone else. Will not bond with anyone else," I said, my wolf rising to the surface, my teeth snapping. "I won't. I would rather die."

"Okay," Jeffrey's lips wobbled. " Okay ."

"Wolves mate for life."

It was a fact. A fact I was proud of.

Even though…it meant my life might be shorter than either of us liked. It was still a source of pride.

"I chose you. I choose you."

"But I can find you a real mate. Someone that can stop you from going feral. I can save you. It doesn't have to be this way," Jeffrey's voice was hollow. "You don't have to die."

His lovely pale skin turned green, and the light in his eyes flickered out entirely, like a flame snuffed out. He looked so very far away. Like he was lost again. I didn't know what to do to make this better, because there was nothing that I could offer him but the truth now, and what little time I had left.

"And that's it? We're fucked?" Jeffrey's voice was faint, and the grip he had on my face grew slack. "You won't hear reason. You won't…" he trailed off, his focus falling away. "There's just… nothing that I can do?"

I shook my head.

"Fuck." Jeffrey's voice broke. "Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck."

And then because this was apparently not bad enough, I was forced to keep going. Because while Jeffrey was clever and knew many things, I had no idea how much. And I couldn't just assume.

"When I go feral, I will need to be put down," I told him even though based on what he'd just shared with me in the clearing, and the scars he'd told me about, I figured he already knew. My fingers bit crescents into his hips. Like I'd hoped, the tight grip brought him back to the present. His eyes swam into focus again, no longer dazed. He met my gaze head on, my brave, lovely mate. "I just…I should not have asked you. It was wrong of me. Not noble at all. Not like you are."

So perfect.

It wasn't fair.

It wasn't ? —

"There are rules in place," I added softly before he could interrupt. "For situations like mine." My heart hurt, and Jeffrey was shaking—and I hated this. I hated it so much. Why had I done this to him? Why had I done this? "It's why I was sent here with all of my brothers. We needed enough of our pack to be able to at least…slow me down should something happen."

Jeffrey looked sick.

"It was assumed my wolf would do better surrounded by family." Which was true. I was more than certain that had helped—though the recent moons had made it clear my alphaskin no longer recognized even my kin.

"When alphas go feral they become ravenous," I continued, because I needed to get it all out. Because for years this had been my gaping wound. An injury I shared with no one, always bleeding on my own.

It was awful, horrible, terrible.

But it felt…it felt good to share it.

Jeffrey could carry its weight better than I could.

"My first moon…the first moon I felt the shift in mother moon's favor—I stopped talking, stopped using my humanskin in general. I was younger than most alphas when I began to go feral. I should've had years—but I didn't. I was young and scared and stupid . I thought it was something I'd done, something I needed to be forgiven for, and that was why it took me so quickly."

Jeffrey's eyes widened. He made a sad, choked up sound.

"But it wasn't." It had taken me a long time to realize that. "I know that now. The moon takes you when it is your time to go. She makes no mistakes. She knows better than we do…and I wasted…so much time trying to save myself that I lost what little I had left." My voice broke. "I should have searched for you. I should have found you earlier.

"I don't want to hurt my family. I don't want to hurt you. It is why I'm here. Even though it is selfish to take your time like this when I know it is only temporary. From the moment I met you, I could not keep away from you. I am a bad person, I know that. I just…I just w-wanted you," my voice cracked. "Even if it was only for a little while." My lungs felt tight, my breath stuttery and cold. "And I have no regrets. If I were to die tomorrow I would be happy. Because when I close my eyes I will know that my life has not been a waste. Because I made you smile."

"Fuck."

"I did not want to hurt you," my heart cracked right down the middle. I could see on his face that he was listening, but I wasn't sure his heart was. I wasn't sure he understood what I was saying. Or how dangerous I really was, even now. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Mutt."

"That is why I asked you for help. Because I am selfish. Because I know I have very few choices left, and I know soon the moon will take the last of them from me." I couldn't stop my hands from shaking. My stomach churned. "I will hurt you . I can not control it. I am not me anymore when I am in my alphaskin—I am something else. Something evil. Something…something twisted and dark and awful . Like an evil villain—but worse. I recognize no one. There is no empathy within my heart. There is nothing that sates my lust. No amount of blood that will make my beast rest. There is only death, greed, and hunger."

"Like horror movies," Jeffrey echoed, terror written all over his face. It hurt. So much. That he was looking at me like that. Like he had already lost me.

"I will kill," I said softly. "I will kill and kill and kill. And it will never end. Not until someone takes me down."

"What the fuck," Jeffrey's voice cracked. "What the fuck are we supposed to do then?"

"Nothing," I said softly, hand shaking. "We can not…do anything."

"Will you…will you let me try ?" Jeffrey's voice cracked. "Please. Will you let me try to find you a mate? I know there's not a lot of time, but I…I swear we would make it work. We'd make it work. I'll find one that's happy to let us stay together. Just…let me try."

It was futile, but the desperation on his face made me ache.

He had no idea what little time we had left. That I'd run our clock down to zero. But I couldn't deny him this. I couldn't. Not when he looked at me like that. Even though the wolf inside me screamed that it was wrong, wrong, wrong to agree.

"Fine."

Jeffrey sagged, eyes pinched shut for a moment as he sucked in a breath. "Okay. Okay. Thank you—" His eyes opened, brown as summer dirt, warm the way it felt when it squished between the pads of my paws. "Thank you."

"It may not work," I warned him, knowing fully that it wouldn't.

"I have to try," his voice shook. "Just let me please?" He glared up at me and he was so fierce and beautiful I could not help but grin, despite everything else.

"I am glad we met," I said softly, because I was. Even if our meeting had meant I would choose this fate. "If I had not met you I would have died having never lived," I told him softly.

Jeffrey's expression pinched, his shoulders drawing up tight, his breath leaving him in a ragged little sob. "No," he said, shaking. "Fuck no. Fuck. That's so fucking awful. I hate it. I don't want that. Stop acting like you're dying. I'm not going to let it happen."

I grunted, my eyes burning. He was blurry. Just a creamy smear as I blinked away the tears. "I know." This was more painful than anticipated, but I deserved it. Because if he was going to be in pain, I should be too.

Jeffrey shook his head rapidly. His sweet little bare ears stuck out, the fluffy hair on his head glinting in the light. "This is…" He was shaking. "This is so fucked."

"I know."

"How long?" Jeffrey asked, voice hoarse. "How long do I have? To find you someone."

"Two moons," I lied, even though it hurt.

Even though it hurt more than anything.

"And you're sure ?"

"This last moon I…" Now it was my turn to tremble. "I almost didn't come back." The words were hoarse and brittle. They hurt. They hurt so much. I hadn't admitted this to my brothers. Hadn't admitted that the first thing I'd done after waking up in my humanskin, still shackled to the wall, was head upstairs and make sure that the number on the fridge was in my phone.

The number that would lead to my death.

The number we were only supposed to call in case of emergencies.

"It's not fair," Jeffrey's voice shattered. The dam broke. Like it had been cracked for years and years, and the pressure had finally grown too much. And then he started crying. Hot, salty tears smeared against my throat as Jeffrey collapsed into me like he trusted me to hold his weight. "It's not fair."

"It is not," I agreed, rocking him gently, my own heart hurting. "But I am so glad to have gotten to know you, however short our time has been." My own voice was hoarse, quaking with emotion. "Knowing you has been my greatest honor. You make me so happy. The other half of my heart's duet. The most wonderful person in the entire world. My prince, my happy ending."

"I'll fix this," Jeffrey promised, a hiccuping little sob escaping him. "I'll fix it. I know I don't have a great track record with fixing things, but I will. A month is enough. Just push through this moon and by the next I'll have figured it out, I swear."

We were caught in a negative spiral. A spiral that wouldn't end unless I put a stop to it.

So I did.

"Do you know what I want?" I said, peeling him out of my neck, the grip I had on his nape still tight enough to soothe him. His eyes were bleary with tears, his cheeks splotchy red, his lashes spiked together.

He'd never been more beautiful than he was right then.

There were no barriers between us.

Just honest heartache.

"W-what?" A tear dashed down his cheek and I leaned forward, lapping at it, before pulling back to meet his gaze again.

"I want to spend as much time with you as possible," I said honestly, heart thumping. "I want to make memories. I want to laugh with you. I want to play. To hear you sing. To see you smile. To keep you safe. To make you happy—for as long as I'm able."

"Mutt—"

"I want to be a happy memory," I told him, and I meant it with every fiber of my being. " That is what I want."

"Okay," Jeffrey said, his face pinched, though I could tell he was trying to be strong all over again. "Okay."

"You are a gift," I told him, in case he didn't realize. "My greatest gift."

Jeffrey leaned forward, and when our lips met they tasted like salt and sadness.

"I…" Jeffrey's voice was quaky and soft. "I…"

I knew what he was trying to say, and I wasn't angry he wasn't ready yet.

Because I loved him. And I didn't need to hear the words to know he loved me too.