12. Jeffrey

Blair

SOS.

Me

?

Blair

So

Me

?????

Blair

Remember how I asked for your help with a shipment? Well it came early.

Me

oh shit

Blair

I won't make you watch Dracula ever again if you can help me pick it up.

Me

I like Dracula

Blair

I know, fuck. I don't have many bargaining chips, okay?

Me

I'll help. Of course I'll help. Don't take Bella Lugosi away from me. I already said I would.

Blair

I love you

have I told you that I love you?

Because I love you.

best brother ever.

Blair's SOS came at the worst time possible. Because I'd been three fingers deep in my own ass and five minutes from hopping on the silicone dick I'd ordered online. It'd been taunting me. Sitting in my nightstand, hidden away—out of sight, but not out of mind.

Especially after Mutt had practically made out with my asshole—I just…yeah. I couldn't get the idea of getting fucked for real out of my head. Which was…weird. I'd never been attracted to the idea before. Never looked at a guy and thought, Oh yeah, I wanna ride that dick .

But with Mutt, thoughts like that were only the tip of the iceberg.

And he was going slow, and part of me could only guess it was because of my own inexperience. Maybe he could smell it on me like he could smell my emotions—or hear it in my heartbeat, like he read my lies. Or maybe it was because he'd never done this either. He hadn't outright admitted to being a virgin, but he had made it clear our first time together that he'd never been anywhere near another man's ass before.

Either way—I was gonna be ready.

I was gonna be so fucking ready, and when we finally got to that point—because lets be honest, after the second time we'd had sex, I'd accepted it was only inevitable—I wanted to be a goddamn pro.

Therefore: dildo, ass, alone time.

I probably shouldn't have checked my phone, but old habits die hard.

Ever since the day I'd come home and found Blair missing, and received nothing but radio silence from Blair to indicate he was okay, I'd become hardwired to react to the ping of text tones like they were goddamn tornado warnings.

For so long I'd waited for him to text me.

To call me.

Something .

Something to indicate he wasn't dead.

Lydia had been no help. She probably thought it was funny how concerned I was. And now that I knew she'd been trying to take his life that entire time—I understood that she would've been happy had he ended up dead after all.

She liked leaving me to squirm.

It made it easier to control me.

I wasn't sure what she'd expected to happen. If she'd succeeded in killing him, did she really think she'd come home and all would be well? That I wouldn't put a bullet right in her head, and be done with her forever?

Because I would have. She'd have been dead instead of in prison.

I may not have been a born killer, but she'd made me into one. Despite my usual squeamish nature, I would've killed her. I wouldn't have hesitated.

And I wouldn't have felt guilty.

Because she would have deserved it.

My phone rang, and I gasped out a horrified sound as I pulled my fingers from my ass and fumbled the damn thing on. "Hello?"

Fuck, this is so fucking embarrassing.

Why did I answer it?

"Hi, Jeffrey." Richard's voice was low and gentle like it always was. Not that I knew him all that well—at least not as an adult. Sure, I'd seen him in passing since I moved back, usually when he was with Blair, but I'd so far successfully avoided any and all alone time with him.

I just…

I guess I didn't know what to say.

We'd been close once—but that felt like a lifetime ago. And now he was a vampire. Which was so freaking weird.

"Sup?" I replied, trying to keep my tone casual like the dildo I'd bought wasn't staring at me from the nightstand. Like my fingers weren't sticky. Like my ass wasn't twitching and empty, hungry for werewolf cock.

"I sent you the address for the furniture place," Richard said. "It'll take an hour and twenty five minutes to drive there."

"Cool."

"I also sent you the order confirmation number."

"Dope."

"It's under Blair Evans, but I told them to expect you, so feel free to use either your name or his." My heart thumped unsteadily. What name did he put for me? It was such a dumb question, but it meant kinda…a lot to me.

"Right," I said, hands shaking a little.

Did he put Markus or Jeffrey?

Markus Prince?

Jeffrey Evans?

Jeffrey Prince?

Every name meant something different. Markus was the boy who'd died, the naive fool—the one everyone missed but me. Jeffrey Evans was a puppet—even less real than Markus was. And Jeffrey Prince…he was a messed up, twisted fuck-up who didn't know who he was anymore.

The name Richard picked for me would make it obvious how he felt about me. How he saw me. Was I the fuckup who had returned? Would he accept that? Or was I Markus, dead and gone, with no room to move on. No room for who I was in his life now that I wasn't who I used to be.

Richard continued to give me details about the order but my head was spinning. I lost track of a lot of them, but figured…how hard could it be? It was just a few fucking chairs. I could handle that.

"What name?" I blurted, weirdly late. "I mean. For me." I cleared my throat. "What name did you?—"

"Jeffrey Prince," Richard sounded confused, like that had been the only answer that made sense. And my heart fluttered as I realized what that meant. It was the best-case scenario. I wasn't used to those.

Richard said something about sending help for me, but I was too twisted up inside to really understand what he meant.

At least…

Until I was climbing into my truck a while later and there was a gentle rap at the passenger-side window. A familiar freckled face peered at me, dark eyes glinting as Collin yanked the door open and slid into the seat. He folded his gangly legs up, shoving the seat back with an annoyed huff. "Blair been in here?" he said in greeting. Probably because the leg room was abysmal.

"Uh, yeah." I stared at him, not really sure what the fuck was happening.

Jesus, god. Why must you punish me?

Collin was the last person I wanted to be stuck alone in a car with for three plus hours.

"There," the seat whirred as it moved back into place. Collin grinned, very pointedly not buckling himself up—probably to test me.

I may be trying to come across as the "cool big brother" but I wasn't an idiot.

"Buckle up, man," I said, doing up my own buckle pointedly. "The fuck aren't you in school?"

"I'm sick," Collin fake coughed like Karen from Mean Girls .

"The fuck you are."

"Dammit," Collin huffed, throwing his hands up. "Aren't you supposed to be the cool brother?"

His thoughts so perfectly mirrored my own, I couldn't help but laugh. "You know what's not cool?"

"If you say ‘not putting your seatbelt on' I'm going to scream."

"Not putting your seatbelt on."

"Fuck."

"Richard know you're not in school?"

"Yes, Mom." Collin huffed, annoyed. "I checked with all my teachers. I'm not missing classes. I'm all caught up. Now will you get off my ass?" Blair had mentioned that this was Collin's first year at public school and that he'd been more than a little excited to attend. I wasn't so sure about that, judging by his current mood.

I shrugged, ignoring his swearing with a snort as it finally hit me what Richard had meant when he'd said he was going to send me help. Collin was… apparently my help. I wasn't sure how much he'd be able to lift, but now that he was in my truck I couldn't just kick him out.

Especially when it looked like—based on the bike parked on the curb in front of my parking spot—he'd biked all the way here. I had no doubt that Richard would find a way to pick it up for him, because he was just perfect like that.

Collin was sweaty, like the second Richard had called in the calvary he'd pedaled his scrawny ass over here like there was a fire lit under it. I could respect that. Seeing as I'd dropped everything to help Blair the second he asked too. Everything, as in my dildo plans. My ass still felt twitchy and loose, and that was not a feeling I liked at all when I was sitting alone with my kid-brother-stranger.

As much as I hated being stuck alone with him though, I warmed a little.

Because maybe Collin and I weren't that different after all.

We both cared about Blair.

And that was a good fucking start.

Pulling out onto Spruce, checking for wayward wolves and the very few pedestrians that populated the streets during daylight, I headed toward the highway that would lead out of town. I was quiet as I turned the music up so Collin wouldn't be tempted to talk to me, and rolled the window down so the wind would make that even more difficult.

It wasn't that I didn't want to get to know him.

I was just…scared of what he might ask.

He saw through me.

I could tell.

Saw through my cracks.

Collin took pity on me for the first ten minutes of the drive. Let me drop my guard and everything, my head bobbing to the beat as I sang under my breath, the weight of the guitar pick in my pocket centering me.

And then, music and windows be damned, he ambushed me.

Collin's silence broke as he twisted to look at me, face all screwed up tight like he'd been sucking on a lemon. I wanted to ignore him, so I pretended I hadn't seen him very obviously trying to get my attention. Or at least… tried to pretend. Because the longer I went without acknowledging him, the more obviously he stared at me—and the more his face scrunched up.

"For fuck's sake." I turned the volume down, my heart in my throat. " What ?"

"What's your deal?" Collin asked without preamble. It was our first time alone together, and I suppose I couldn't blame him. He'd patiently been biding his time, waiting for this moment.

"My deal?" I played dumb.

"Yeah," Collin buckled down, crossing his arms.

"I don't have one."

"Everyone has one," he countered. "Like me." He pointed to himself. "My deal is that Mom and Dad want me to turn. I don't want to. It's shitty and annoying—but ever since they found out you're alive they've backed off."

I'd been in town for over a month and hadn't seen either of my parents, if that was any indication of how much they actually cared. "They're dicks," I said softly, my heart thumping.

"Yeah," Collin shrugged. "But I'm not." He glared at me. "So what gives? Why're you always looking at me like I slit your tires?"

"I'm not—I don't?—"

"Yeah, you do," Collin huffed. "Look, I get it's weird. You've been gone. Things are weird. I'm new and you don't know me." His long fingers tapped his biceps. "But I'm not gonna bite your head off. And I may not know you either, but you're still my brother. And maybe…I dunno. Maybe I want to know you."

"You don't want to know me," I countered, glaring out at the road so I wouldn't have to look at him. He was naive if he thought that.

"I do."

"No, you don't."

"I do," Collin glared at me.

"No, you don't," I repeated, harder this time. This was juvenile. And it was too hard to focus on the road when we were arguing. So I pulled over to the side, a splattering of tree shadows hitting the front dash as I twisted to look at him. "You want Markus. You all fucking want Markus. Hate to break it to you but he's dead. I'm sorry, but he is."

"Markus." Collin repeated the name like it was a swear word. "Markus is a fucking ghost, man."

"I know."

"I don't want him ." Collin stared at me. He stared at me for a long time. My heart was pounding, my palms were slick. I couldn't breathe—I couldn't. "I want you ."

"You don't," my voice broke.

He has no idea what he's talking about.

"I do," he argued again, softer this time. "Look…" Collin sucked in a breath, shifting to face me better. He crossed one leg over the other, his ankle hanging over his knee as he stared me down. "My whole life I had to live inside your shadow. You know…Mom and Dad only had me because you died, right? I'm like…the replacement for you. Except the second they had me they forgot why they'd wanted me in the first place."

"What the fuck?"

"I know," Collin gestured at himself. "It's gross, right? But, I mean—look at me? Do I look sad?"

I stared at him, like… really stared.

His eyes were bright, his body was relaxed, and his expressive mouth was twisted into a sunny grin. He didn't look sad. At all. In fact he looked like he was eating this shit up.

"I mean, yeah, they piss me off and the whole ‘turn with us, you li'l bitch' thing bothers me. But I'm me, and I like me—and I'm fine." Collin stared at me. "And I'll be fine. No matter how often they bug me."

I wasn't sure why he was telling me this.

"Which is why I don't get you," Collin said, tone softening. "You're so fake man. Everyone can see it. We've all been through enough shit that we recognize the signs. You think we don't get it? Because we do."

"Get what?" My voice cracked a little.

"That you've seen shit." Collin's fingers tapped against his biceps as he stared me down—so fucking brave, and so little—and so…naive. "That you're drowning."

That I'm drowning.

A wet laugh escaped me, and once I started I couldn't seem to stop.

I turned away from him, not sure what the look on my face was—only that I didn't want him to see. It was ugly, ugly, ugly . And I knew that. I was ugly. Not my outsides, but the inner bits. Burnt black and charred, and withered after years held above flame.

"We're your family," Collin said, like it was that simple. "We wanted you to come back."

"You wanted Markus," I repeated, because that was what I'd thought—that was what I'd feared, all along. And even though he'd already said that wasn't the case, I figured he just genuinely didn't get it. Maybe he needed it spelled out. "Not me."

"You're stupid if you think that," Collin replied immediately. "And also don't know how to fucking listen."

Maybe I was stupid.

Maybe he was right, because I couldn't stop laughing.

"Are you…are you okay ?" His hand hovered over my shoulder now and the hesitance there hurt more than his words did. "Like I get that you're not . I mean…you got kidnapped and like—this all has to be so weird. Coming back here. Living here. Meeting us– me . But are you okay? "

Another laugh escaped me, and I wished I could take it back. "I'm fine." I tried to wave him off.

Collin didn't even justify that with a response. He simply laid his palm on my shoulder, the warmth bleeding into me as I sucked in a fortifying breath.

"I'm fine," I repeated, because I had to be.

Because I had no choice.

"It's okay if you're not," he said gently, like I hadn't said anything at all. "Do you…maybe want to talk?" Collin asked, his voice gentle. "I know I'm probably the last person you want to open up to. But like…I want to know you, you know? Even though you're a shit liar—and you give me stank face all the time. I'm at least better at listening than you are."

" You're the one that gives me weird looks!" I snorted, more amused this time.

"Only because you started it."

"I did not."

"You did."

"Fuck." I sucked in a breath, trying not to laugh. "Look, I just…" I guess I kinda had been the first one. "It's just…like you said. It's weird…being here. It's good but it hurts too, you know? I don't…I don't know who I am, or what you want from me. What anyone wants from me."

"What if we don't want anything?" Collin countered.

"Everyone always wants something."

"That's fucking sad, dude." Collin frowned. "And not true."

"I dunno."

"You're…" I sucked in another breath, the truth spilling free. "You're what I should've been, you know?"

"And you're who I was born to replace," Collin countered. "At least…if you listen to idiots ."

"I don't know how to talk to you."

"Ditto, man."

"I don't know how to talk to anyone." I squeezed the steering wheel tight enough it creaked. You're talking to Collin, my brain unhelpfully pointed out. "I think I'm broken."

"That's okay."

"Is it?" It didn't feel okay.

"Sure it is." Collin shrugged. "Richard once almost hit me with his car and I still love him."

"Wait, what?"

"He didn't see me. To be fair, I was going really fast, and kinda jumped in front of the car to see if he'd stop. But still. The point still stands. Family is family, man. Some people suck, but we don't."

"You jumped in front of his car?" I stared at him, horrified.

"Intrusive thoughts, dude." Collin shrugged. "Not my fault."

"That was totally your fucking fault."

"Still." Collin grinned, eyes dancing.

"You're so happy," I blurted, accidentally, my brain to mouth filter apparently broken. "And very… you . You—I mean…" I tried again. "You know who you are." This conversation had only solidified that fact in my mind. "I'm not like that."

Why keep me around when I didn't provide any value?

" I didn't get kidnapped, or raised by a murderous bitch," Collin countered, his voice just the right amount of sarcastic for his words to strike me where I needed them. Where I was gooey and soft and vulnerable. "I feel like…considering what happened to you, you're doing pretty damn good. Cut yourself some fucking slack. And damaged or not, I know for a fact that Richard, Blair, and I just want you to be our fucking brother, dude. Wow. That sounds so weird. I mean—it's complicated? Because Blair and Richard…and yeah. Whatever. You know what I mean."

I couldn't breathe.

I couldn't breathe?—

I couldn't?—

You deserve to be happy.

Don't you think it's time to move on?

You know I don't blame you, right?

"Okay. Let's be done with the dramatics. I reached my quota for the day," Collin replied, gently rubbing my shoulder, earlier hesitance gone. "But for the the third fucking time—I do want to know you. So if you change your mind about talking more…I'm here . Not like, here here, because obviously I'll have to go home at some point—but yeah."

"Right," I echoed, melting a little beneath the touch, because I couldn't help it. He could see my cracks. He could see them and yet he wasn't…he wasn't running . I didn't get it. I didn't get any of this.

"So," Collin said, and I feared for my sanity that he'd start questioning me again. "I heard you got a dog?"

Apparently mercy was something even nosy teenagers could offer.

Collin was surprisingly good company when I wasn't actively self-sabotaging our relationship. He knew all the Taylor Swift songs that mattered, he ate more food than I did, and when we finally arrived at our destination, he made quick work of loading all the chairs into the truck.

He was so distracting with his chipper attitude and his loud personality I almost forgot about the weird conversation we'd had in the car.

Almost.

But for the most part, I was kinda content to get to know my little brother.

It didn't hurt the way it had before. He wasn't my replacement—despite what my parents had intended. He was brilliant and sunny, and his snarky tongue reminded me a lot of Blair. Our whole relationship reminded me of my relationship with Blair actually.

It's strange.

Because this felt…easy.

Maybe…it could've been this easy the whole time? And I'd made things harder for myself than they needed to be.

"So. How do you feel about sporks?" Collin asked as we pulled onto the ramp that led back into Elmwood.

"Sporks?" I snorted, brow furrowing. "The…utensil?"

"Obviously."

"I guess…they're useful?"

"And an abomination," Collin added with a wicked grin, putting his feet up on my dash and cackling to himself. " Both ."

"Right." I guess I'd never cared enough about sporks to have an opinion on them.

"Don't you find it weird that Blair and Richard are dating?" he asked me, jumping topics like a hyperactive frog. "I mean it's not weird for me, because Blair is Blair—and I never knew him. But you grew up with him."

"Yeah," I shrugged. "It's pretty fucking weird."

"Cool though, yeah?"

"Yeah." It was cool. Maybe it had taken a little while for me to get used to the idea of my blood brother dating my adoptive brother, but…they were so sickeningly cute together it hadn't taken much effort after all. "They're…"

"Gross?"

"Definitely gross," I laughed, fingers tapping at the steering wheel as pop music blasted through the car and the scent of French fries filled the air.

"They stare at each other like allll the time. Blair will go take a piss, and he'll walk back in the room, and Richard gives him these eyes, like he's been gone for a zillion years and not five fucking minutes."

"They really like each other," I snorted. "You know they invited me to the movies?"

"Oh god."

"I was like, fuck no. I don't want to watch you make out."

"Good call." Collin grinned at me. "I walked in on them once. And can I just say? Ew. Like. I wanted to bleach my eyeballs. Their tongues were touching. Touching!"

"Disgusting," I agreed, and Collin beamed. Kinda felt like I'd won an award.

He ranted more about Blair and Richard for a bit. And then our mom—and then his classes at school, in particular the ones he was dreading. And then he talked about fish sticks, High-Chew gummies, and why red was the superior choice for Converse sneakers—a fact I totally agreed with.

I reached for my drink and took a long sip.

"So," Collin said, tone still light. "You ever sucked a dick?"

I choked, spluttering as I shoved the cup back in the cupholder. My other hand held tight to the steering wheel so I wouldn't swerve and get us in a wreck. "W-What?"

"I'm just wondering, you know. For science." Collin bobbed his head. "I've thought about it. Kinda a lot. And it seems fun? But it also seems like it'd be annoying, you know? A whole-ass mouthful." He frowned. "Whole dick mouthful?" He shrugged. "You know what I mean."

I kinda wanted to cut him off, but then again…I'd been fifteen once too. And I wasn't sure what about me screamed "I'm a sex-pert" but I figured, compared to Blair, I kinda was. Collin wasn't the first to ask for my advice.

Besides…after my freakout earlier it'd be nice to feel kinda…cool?

"I have," I shrugged, cheeks hot. "I like it."

"Huh." Collin's face scrunched up. "What about…you know—girls?" He tapped his fingers on his knees. "Not that I plan on getting laid, because duh, fifteen. But I'm just curious. Blair mentioned you're kinda a…man slut."

"The fuck," I snorted out, cheeks hot.

"He didn't say those exact words. I'm paraphrasing—but still."

"I guess I am," I shrugged, embarrassed. "I've been with a lot of people, yeah."

"Blair only mentioned girls."

"Which is why you asked about the dicks." Sneaky fuck.

"I guess I'm just…" Collin hummed thoughtfully. "I dunno. I feel like I give off bi-wife energy, you know?"

"Are you the wife in this scenario? Or do you have a bi-wife?"

"Both? IDK." Collin shrugged. "I guess I just don't really want to pick. And since Blair and Richard are gay-as-fuck, I wanted to talk to someone who maybe wasn't? Not that they can't give advice. Because they can—I just… you know."

"Wanted to talk to someone else who gives off bi-wife energy," I couldn't help but grin. Sure my bisexuality was newly discovered—but that didn't mean I wasn't excited about it. And I hadn't even gotten the chance to tell Blair, so it was kinda nice…to test it out in a safe environment. "I've only been with one man," I said, pulling onto Spruce. "And for the record? You never have to fucking pick."

The conversation was about to be cut short, so I slowed down to prolong it. I had a feeling Collin needed this. Hell, I would've killed to have an older brother at his age. That's why I'd made sure to be the best big brother I possibly could for Blair. Because it had been my fault we were alone in the first place.

"Did you like it?" Collin asked curiously. "As much as sex with girls?"

"More probably," I shrugged, cheeks hot. "Not that I didn't like that too—I just…I guess for me it's about the kind of connection. And he's…" Thinking about Mutt made me feel hot all over, embarrassed and happy and fizzy from the inside out. "Um."

It wasn't a feeling I'd had before about anyone.

Or anything.

It was safety, and warmth, and youth—youth I'd never had.

"He's…?" Collin stared at me, waiting expectantly. "What, super hot?" He was teasing, and I still couldn't help but flush.

"Yeah. Super fucking hot," I agreed, embarrassed. "And he's sweet, you know? Different. He…" This was embarrassing as hell. "He takes really good care of me."

"Which is good, you know. Cuz you're kinda fucked up."

"Right." I laughed. No one had just outright said that to my face, but I kinda liked it. It was refreshing not to be tiptoed around. I'd thought I'd hate that, but I didn't. "I think I need someone who's soft."

"I am thiiiiis close to making a dick joke," Collin held up his fingers in a pinching motion. "But since we're having a bi-bro moment, I'll hold back."

"A bi-bro moment," I repeated, oddly delighted by this.

"A bro-ment, if you will," Collin agreed in his poshest voice.

"Fuck," I laughed, sad when we pulled into the parking lot behind Blair's pizzeria. Avery's shop where I worked was just across the street, and it felt weird to be over here—and not there, but I pushed that feeling aside. "You're cute."

"Dawww," Collin waved me off, batting his lashes. " Thanks !"

"Collin?" I felt lighter than I had in years as I put the truck into park and twisted to look at him. "I'm sorry, for before. For treating you weird."

"I'm sorry too," Collin shrugged. "I could've been nicer."

"Me too." I smacked his shoulder, and he squawked, then smacked me back.

"Dickhead."

I shoved him against the window and he flapped his arms at me, smacking me in the face as we wrestled for a solid thirty seconds till I won. Easily. Because he may be nearly as tall as I was, but I was way fucking stronger.

When I settled back onto my side of the truck, I was a little sweaty, and my grin was genuine. "If you ever need to talk to someone about…you know, whatever—I'm here too," I offered, his own sweet words echoing around inside my head.

"Sounds good." Collin beamed at me, his copper hair flopping all over the place, eyes as bright as mine were. "Are you gonna be less awkward around me now?"

"I hope so."

"Cool."

And then he was sliding out of the car and heading around to the back to help unload. I followed after him, and for the first time since I'd come back to Elmwood, I felt like…part of my own family.

And that was…

That was…

Kinda perfect.