29. Danny

Chapter 29

Danny

T here.

I'd finally said it aloud.

For the first time ever, I'd found the courage to speak the words.

I did it again, letting them hang in the air. "Sarah and Maria were murdered. My family was killed."

Riley tried to smother the sob that broke free. "Sorry. Fuck. I just…"

"It's okay." I comforted him, knowing he was feeling every drop of pain that I was. "It's okay."

"It's not okay," he said fiercely, his grief for me wrapped around his fury. "How could they allow that to happen? Maria was a baby. A baby. "

I didn't know how to answer him. I hadn't known the answer then, and I didn't fucking know it now.

"We killed the jaguar shifters." I continued with the story, needing Riley to know all of it. It was strangely cleansing telling him after all this time. Like he was leeching the poison from my blood and healing me with his hold. And what a hold it was—I was surprised by his strength. He was clinging to me like he was trying to stop me coming apart. It was working too. His touch was what was getting me through this, his presence keeping my wolf relatively calm as we relived our worst memories. "Calan visited the clan who'd remained behind to make sure they didn't make the same mistake again."

"What did you do? Did you kill the council?" There was no judgement in his voice. He wanted me to have executed them. To have made them suffer in the same way they'd hurt me.

"I killed some of them, but not all. There were some I allowed to live because I couldn't prove they'd been involved." I took a shuddering breath. "There'd been so much bloodshed, and Sarah would've hated it. It was my love for her that stayed my hand."

"What about her clan? The Tullys?"

"I left that to Lydia. Like me, she executed all those she could prove had been involved, including her husband."

"He wasn't her mate?"

"No. Lydia's marriage had been arranged in the same way ours had, but the difference was that they didn't love one another. As taking a mate is a choice for shifters, she chose not to."

Riley's unasked question was practically being screamed into the air. I kissed his neck before answering it. "Sarah and I were planning on mating under the next blue moon. It's an ancient tradition in our culture, and it was important to her to wait."

Riley's sorrow poured through the bond. "If they'd killed her, you would've died too."

"Yes." That was the part I'd struggled with most over the years. The guilt of surviving when she hadn't. That, if I'd pushed her, I would've left the world with her and Maria. "I'm not sorry that you're the one I'm mated to though, Riley. I regret that they died. I'll regret it every day for the rest of my life. But I don't regret that it's you I have now."

"I didn't think you did," Riley said. "I can feel that you loved her. It doesn't upset me or make me jealous. Weirdly, I'm happy that she made you happy. And I'm heartbroken that you lost her, because you're heartbroken. Does that make sense?"

"It does. My heart is big enough to love the family I had as well as you. Losing them doesn't stop me loving them, it never will. You're as much a part of my heart as they are, and nothing can ever change that."

Something I said made Riley feel confused, before that was replaced by a slow sense of realisation. Before I could question him on it, he spoke. "So that's when you asked to leave?"

"Yes," I said. "I couldn't stay there, not knowing there were likely others who'd allowed the plan to go ahead. The option I gave to the council was simple—let me leave, or I'd kill them all."

"Are you…are you strong enough to do that?"

I huffed against his neck. "Yes. Like I've told you before, I might be a soft touch with you, but I'm kind of a badass."

"And now you have to go back," Riley said, the familiar guilt returning. "All because of me."

I eased him away so I could see his face. My heart cracked at the sight of his red, swollen eyes. "I'm sorry you had to hear all of that."

"Don't apologise when you're the one who had to live through it." Cupping my face in both his hands, he kissed my lips softly. "I'm sorry, Danny. I know that doesn't really cover it, but I am. I wish I could take the pain away for you."

"It's a little easier now that you know."

"Baggage like that isn't meant to be carried by one person," Riley said. "Our friends are always telling us that, and they're right. Now we can carry it together. You're not alone anymore, Danny."

No, I'd never be alone again now that Riley was my mate. A sudden sting hit me as I remembered that I still didn't know where I stood with him. We might have been mated, might have been sleeping together, but that was as deep as our connection went. As deep as Riley would allow us to go.

Who knew when that would change?

Suddenly my wolf was no longer content. He was stretching at my skin, yearning to run. To shed what it meant to be human until only our baser needs remained.

Kissing Riley's neck, I eased him off my lap. "I need to shift."

He stepped back obligingly. I didn't look at him as I transformed. My clothes were left in tatters as I raced out of the gate into the woodland beyond. My tension bled away with every beat of my paws on the ground.

I'd done it. I'd finally spoken about what had happened. I might never do it again, but I didn't need to. As my mate, Riley was the only person entitled to see all the broken parts of me. How could I expect him to love me if he didn't know all of me?

What if he never loves me?

I howled at the moon in frustration. Riley did love me. He was scared. He'd come around.

But what if he doesn't?

These fears were usually easy to push away. Tonight they persisted, refusing to stop haunting me, even as I tried to outrun them. It was as though reliving everything I'd been through with Sarah and Maria had reminded me of how fragile happiness was.

Sarah had loved me, but I'd lost her. I couldn't lose Riley, but did he love me?

It'll be okay. It will. It has to be.

I repeated those words until they drowned out the others. Eventually, everything in me settled.

It was only then that I realised all those emotions hadn't just been coming from me. Now I was calm, I could feel Riley again.

Fear.

Anxiety.

Determination.

What's happening? Is he okay?

Dirt flew in every direction as I sped back to the cabin. Oh god, why had I left him? I should've stayed. I should've been paying attention to the bond. What if?—

Not wanting to stop, I slammed into the door. It flew open under my weight, crashing into the wall. I scrambled to my feet, glancing around frantically to find the danger…

Only to see Riley, completely unharmed, pouring a glass of wine. Well, the wine glass had been full a few seconds ago. It was now cascading over the side and splashing onto the table as he gaped at me.

I shifted, panting, and gestured at the mess he was making. "I think it's full, Ry."

"Shit." He jumped back to avoid the wine hitting his trousers. "It's the expensive one we bought, too."

I picked up the kitchen roll and hurried over. Riley snatched it from my hands with a glare. "What the fuck did you come in like that for? You scared the life out of me!"

"Me?" Now I was the one glaring. "You were the one feeling afraid. For all I knew, there was a shifter in here about to attack you."

Riley dropped the kitchen roll on the table. The next thing I knew, he was in my arms, clinging to me. "Fuck, Danny. I'm so sorry. You must've been terrified."

"It's okay," I said. "You can't help how you're feeling."

"I know, but after what you've been through?—"

I silenced him with a kiss. "Even if I hadn't been through that, I would've reacted the same way. You're mine, Riley. I'll protect you always."

"You always have," he said. Was that wonder in his eyes? "I don't doubt you, Danny."

He pulled away abruptly and returned to cleaning up the wine. I helped him by gathering up the drenched paper towels and chucking them away. Only when we were done did I broach the subject. "What had you feeling scared if it wasn't a shifter?"

"Who said it wasn't a shifter?"

"What?" My brain raced through all the ways I might've frightened Riley and came up blank. "Did I shift too suddenly earlier? Were you scared that I left you alone? Shit, I shouldn't have gone so far from the house. I'm so sorry, Ry. I wasn't thinking?—"

Now he was the one kissing me into silence. When he pulled back, my cock was hard between my legs, something I couldn't exactly hide given I was still naked.

Riley didn't pay any attention to it though, biting his lip and shifting on the spot. "Can we sit down? I've got some stuff I want to say."

Foreboding started to unwind in my gut. Had Riley heard my story and decided being with me wasn't worth the risk? Or was there something else about the conversation we'd had that had spooked him?

"Sure, lemme just drag some shorts on." If Riley was about to let me down gently, I didn't want to be naked while he did it.

I watched him out of the corner of my eye as I pulled a pair from the suitcase and yanked them on. He was perched on the very edge of the sofa, chewing at the side of his nail while his knee jiggled. My knuckles cracked, my wolf desperate to comfort our mate.

I've got this, I assured him, donning a confident air. Even if he pushes us away, I'll make sure he's happy.

The moment my arse touched the cushion beside Riley, he leapt up. Bewildered, I stared up at him. "That bad, huh?"

"What?" Riley looked back at me in confusion. "No, it's not bad. At least, I don't think it's bad."

"Okaaay." From the anxiety he was feeling and the speed he was pacing at, he didn't seem to think it was good either. "Ry, you're kinda freaking me out here. What's going on?"

"Just…give me a minute." He yanked at his hair as he paced. He couldn't go very far in here, but he was making the most of the space. "I had this all planned out in my head. You'd get back from your run. I'd have dinner, and wine, and music. We'd sit down, and then I'd tell you. But of course you just had to come in here all dramatically and throw me off. Honestly, it would've taken less than a second to open the door. And what on earth are we going to tell Sebastian about it? Maybe we should lie. He's still annoyed at you about the car. He's going to kill you once he finds out that?—"

Whoa. Jumping up, I cupped Riley's face in my hands. "Breathe, princess." He did as I said, the air whooshing into his lungs. "And again."

His shoulders were shaking now that he wasn't pacing. I could feel his agitation and anxiety, but I couldn't figure out the reason why.

"There's no rush, Riley. Whatever you want to tell me, just do it when you're ready."

"But there is a rush. If I don't tell you now, I'm scared I never will."

Now I was even more confused. What could Riley possibly have to tell me that had him feeling this way?

Oh god, was he really going to end things?

"Let's sit down," I suggested. Taking Riley's hand, I led him to the sofa and promptly sat him on my lap, wrapping him in my arms. If he was going to try and run from me, from this, he'd have to break free first. "Okay. Tell me."

Riley wriggled around until he was facing me, his knees on either side of my thighs. Something in me settled. It didn't feel like he was about to break up with me.

"Earlier, before you told me about what happened in the past, I made you a promise."

"You did?"

He nodded, a faint blush on his cheekbones. "I promised you it wouldn't change anything between us."

My mouth was suddenly dry. "And it…it has?"

He nodded, his chin trembling. "Yes. While you were talking, you said something. You said you'd never stop loving Sarah. Not that I needed to be told that—you can't listen to you speak about her without realising you still love her."

"That upsets you?"

"No." He shook his head vehemently. "No. But it made me realise something. Something you've been telling me all along, actually, but I don't think I was ready to hear it until today."

"What?"

"You love me." He inhaled shakily, but his eyes never left mine. "Nothing's going to change that. You've loved Sarah all this time, so why would you stop loving me?"

"Yes, that's what I've told you." I was so confused. Why was he repeating back what I'd told him before? "I don't understand. What's changed?"

"Everything." His fingers trembled as they dusted down my face. "But also nothing. You see, I realised you're right. You're not lying to me or confused about your feelings. You're not going to change your mind about me. It's like you've said all along—I'm yours."

"You are. I think you have been since the first night we met."

"Yes." He leaned his forehead against mine. "I love you, Danny."

"I love you too."

"No." He huffed in frustration. "I'm in love with you, Danny. I want to be with you. Properly. Not as friends or as casual hookups. As your boyfriend, maybe even your husband one day. If you want that, obviously."

Now my hands were the ones trembling. "Ry…are you sure? Do you mean it?"

He gave me a wobbly smile and lifted my hand to his chest. His heart was hammering under my touch, but that wasn't what he was drawing my attention to.

"Does it feel like I mean it?"

I concentrated on the bond linking us. He was scared, but resolute. Terrified, but happy. Shaken, but excited.

"Oh fuck."

Riley laughed, joy rising above all the other emotions. "I tell you I'm in love with you, and the best you can come up with is ‘oh fuck?'"

My laughter joined his. "I mean, it's very us."

"It is." He kissed me, still chuckling. "I'm sorry I took so long to get here."

"It's okay," I said. "I would've waited a lot longer for you. I don't understand though, why were you so scared? There's not a universe in which I would've rejected you."

"I know, it's just…" He chewed his lip, staring off to the side. "I can't quite articulate it, but taking this step is huge for me. I've kind of known this was where we were heading for a while, but actually making that leap? It was a lot. But I figured if you were brave enough to open up about your past, then I could be brave enough to tell you how I feel. What I truly want."

"And what you want is me?"

Riley sighed dramatically. "I know, I'm disappointed too. I was really holding out for Jonathan Bailey, but I guess I'll settle for you."

"Cheeky fucker," I growled, pinching his arse cheek and drawing another giggle from him. "I'll make you pay for that."

"That's what I'm hoping," he said. "Listen, today's been a lot for both of us. Want to just go to bed and fuck instead of talking more?"