6. Attack Of The Pickup Lines

6

Quinlan panicked. Annie was rooms away and undefended.

"How dare they invade my territory?" Griff growled. "Fireheart, protect Annie."

His eyes flashed dragon-red. Still naked, Griff strode out of the bathroom.

Quinlan shut off the shower and grabbed a warm, fluffy towel. He had to get to Annie, make sure she was safe.

When he skidded to a stop outside Annie's temporary nursery, he heard no screaming or signs of a scuffle. So he opened the door, relief flooding him when he found her still in her crib, sitting upright with her thumb in her mouth. "Annie!"

"Ah wa ah!" Annie grinned gummily.

Quinlan shut the door and hurried over, making sure he was dry before he wrapped the towel around his waist. "I was worried about you."

Annie wriggled and kicked, smiling when he scooped her into his arms. She nuzzled against him like she was hungry; Quinlan arranged her against his chest so she could nurse.

Now that he could think past Annie's safety, Quinlan crept to the window, peeking out from the side of it in case someone was out there waiting to spot him.

He saw several trees, and Griff's naked human form dashing between them. Had he found something?

Would Griff be okay? Dragons weren't invincible.

To make everything worse, Quinlan had heard about more incidents of child-kidnappings. On their trip to Cartfalls, he and Wren had barely escaped from a few suspicious people who'd seemed too keen on their babies.

Someone knocked on the door. Quinlan's heart thumped.

"Don't worry, it's me," a voice said as the door opened.

A wizened old man stood in the hallway, complete with a bulbous nose, a long white beard, a wizard's hat, and a rainbow-colored robe.

Quinlan stared. "Griff didn't say he had a mage."

The man cackled. "Naw, I'm not one. But I can pretend to be!"

He flounced into the room and did a twirl, before curtseying. "Hex at your service, Dragon Master's Consort."

Quinlan stared. Hex's face was covered in wrinkles. He had bright green eyes and a mischievous smile. His hands were bony and knobbly, but the way he moved...

"You're Griff's butler," Quinlan blurted. "Shapeshifter."

"You know me! We are going to be family," Hex said with a cheerful smile. "Just like how Griff appointed me as his sworn brother."

Quinlan's eyebrows shot up. "Griff likes you."

"Of course he does." Hex cackled. "I give him the best ideas."

"Like writing terrible love songs?" Quinlan asked suspiciously.

Hex's smile grew. "You know he has a unique talent."

"He writes songs no one would even dream of singing."

"Precisely!"

"They're horrible," Quinlan said. "And you encourage him to write more?"

Hex raised an eyebrow, his smile turning mellow. "It makes him happy."

Truth be told... Quinlan hadn't done many things in life simply because they made him happy. Most days, he couldn't afford to.

And here Griff was, the happiest person Quinlan had ever met.

"I guess he's lucky, ‘cuz he's rich," Quinlan muttered. "He doesn't even have to work."

Hex gave him a pointed look and a closed-lip smile. "Guess you'll have to ask him about that yourself."

Quinlan narrowed his eyes warily. "What do you mean?"

Smoothly, Hex pulled out a pink paperback book that Quinlan was only too familiar with. "Would you like to give Dragon Master some pickup lines?"

Did Hex just change the subject? But also— "No. Hell no. Especially not from that book!"

"Oh? You're familiar with it?" Hex's smile turned gleeful. He cleared his throat and flipped to a dog-eared page. "I'm sure you'll find this especially helpful. ‘On a dark and stormy night, I will dive under your covers from the foot end of your bed. Like a giant love slug, I will crawl between your legs and suck the juices from your love fruit, until you fill me with the cucumber juice of my hopes and dreams.'"

Quinlan shook his head in disbelief. "Who even comes up with that crap?"

"A fictional genius by the name of Dicky Mems."

"What kind of name is that?"

"A name befitting of a god," Hex said sagely.

It sounded like one hell of a joke. "No one in their right minds would read that as a pickup line."

Hex smirked. "There is one person these lines will work on."

Griff.

Because he thought his cringey love songs were good.

"I'm not interested in him," Quinlan said defiantly. "He kidnapped me! And Annie!"

"Hmm." Hex looked too deeply into Quinlan. "For being an unwilling kidnap-ee, you sure aren't pushing him away, or running off. You don't even swear at him or speak badly about him."

"I have priorities," Quinlan grumbled. It was true. And his priorities were none of Hex's business.

Hex shrugged. "Well, if you don't want this book, I guess I'll give it to Dragon Master. He'll jump at the chance to use these on you."

Quinlan had absolutely no doubt that Griff would do exactly that.

"Please don't," he said.

Hex grinned. "Unfortunately, I only answer to my boss. Giving him this book is in his best interests."

"I'm repulsed by those pickup lines!"

"Are you, really?" Hex's smile was only too knowing. "You seem to be acquiring a taste for his songs."

Quinlan froze. "I am not!"

Hex's smile grew. Before Quinlan could think of a retort, footsteps thumped.

Griff appeared in the doorway still naked, and scowling. "I almost caught him. He was sniffing around the wards, trying to find the runes to undo them."

This was bad. The kidnappers had disabled the protective barriers at Blade's mansion, and they'd almost taken Blade down.

Quinlan swallowed. "Are we in danger?"

"I don't know how they found us." Griff frowned deeply. "I flew here with the sun almost setting."

"But the sky wasn't fully dark," Quinlan remembered. "They could've just headed in the direction you were flying. You can't mistake a dragon's silhouette for much else."

"Fuck," Griff said.

Quinlan covered Annie's ears belatedly. "No cursing! There's a baby here."

Griff spared Annie an apologetic look, but he continued to frown. "Blade told me they took down both his wards and him."

"Does that mean it's not safe here?" Quinlan blurted.

Griff's eyes flashed. "I'll make sure you're safe."

"How?"

"You will sleep with me in my nest," Griff growled. "There are only two entrances to the caves. Easier to defend."

"But what if you get hurt?" Quinlan blurted.

"Get in touch with Blade and the rest," Hex said to the side. "They'll be happy to help."

"They're not my friends," Griff replied, suddenly uncertain. "They're Blade's friends."

"They'll want to help protect Annie," Quinlan said. "I heard about Joey and his friends, and all the trouble they've had with the baby-kidnappers. Blade's friends have been helping whenever any of them run into danger."

"They don't live nearby," Griff said, his shoulders slumping.

Hex snorted. "We're close enough to Cartfalls. Just a lot deeper in the forest than most people's homes. But some of Blade's friends can fly, like Telos and Yaeger."

"So why have none of them come to rescue me?" Quinlan blurted. "It's been barely a day, but... Blade saw me being kidnapped."

Hex looked away, whistling so innocently that Quinlan knew he'd done something.

"Hex! What did you do?" Quinlan yelped.

Hex gave an innocent shrug. "The Butler Bros Network is aware of where you are. You haven't sent for help."

"I was kidnapped!"

At that, Hex grinned. "I charged your phone. You still have signal out here, you know. You can send a message."

Quinlan opened and closed his mouth, speechless.

Last night, he'd been too exhausted to call his friends. He'd fallen asleep the moment his head touched the pillow. He would've picked up his phone this morning, except he'd wanted to give Annie a bath before anyone found him.

"Hex," Griff growled, glaring at his butler in betrayal. "He's mine!"

Hex gave his boss a sly look. "I didn't say otherwise. I'm just making sure he can contact his friends if he needs to."

"Oh." Griff rubbed his chest. "Don't scare me like that."

"You giant marshmallow." Hex grinned, reaching over to give Griff a one-armed hug.

The next moment, Hex smoothly pulled out a handgun, aiming it at nothing in particular.

He fired.

Quinlan's heart stopped.

The gunshot was muffled. Instead of a bullet, white streamers exploded from the gun barrel, along with several sparks and shimmery golden fireworks.

The fireworks were shaped like cocks. With hairy balls and squirting jizz.

Quinlan stared as the shimmery cocks hung suspended in the air for a long time, before they eventually faded.

"You're doing a bang-up job with Quinlan," Hex said. "Get it? Bang!"

Griff guffawed and clapped Hex on the shoulder, taking the gun out of his hand to examine it. "How many can you put in there?"

"Six of those. And they sell different ones. Proposals, baby showers, birthdays, weddings, et cetera. You can even customize the entire firework," Hex said proudly.

Griff beamed. "You should have them make the fireworks bigger next time. Bigger explosions! Bigger cocks! Bigger everything!"

Hex's eyes twinkled. "I may or may not have a couple of very special ones saved up."

Griff's eyes grew round. "What are they?"

"It's a se-cret," Hex sang, taking his gun back and twirling away. More sadly, he added, "It's the only ‘magic' I can do. Shifting doesn't count."

"Aww, Hex." Griff pulled Hex into another hug. "I still love you anyway."

Quinlan swallowed, watching them. He had his own friends—he'd known Joey and Wren for ten years, and they had sworn to have each other's backs.

Except Joey and Wren had babies now. The three of them had never discussed it, but Quinlan knew his friends' priorities had shifted. Their babies were more important now.

What Griff had with Hex... it went deep. Like a blood relationship, like maybe Griff would defend Hex with his life.

Quinlan didn't have anyone who'd do the same for him, not anymore.

Hex caught the look on Quinlan's face, and his sly smile returned in full force. He shoved his book at Griff. "Here. A present."

Quinlan watched in horror as Griff accepted it with great delight.

"699 Pickup Lines For Your Wriggly Heart Muffin, by Dicky Mems," Griff read. He flipped the book open to a random page. "‘When it's time for my proposal, we shall have the most amazing tongue-wriggling dance. Your tongue will enter my mouth. My tongue will enter your nose. Our brains will twist together like cotton candy and we will dissolve into each other like an explosion of the universe.'"

Quinlan's brain broke a little.

By the time Griff had finished reading, he was smiling so wide, it was as though the sun was shining out of his face.

"Dicky Mems is my hero," Griff whispered, awestruck.

Oh, no, Quinlan thought.

"Dicky Mems is our god," Hex said solemnly. "Mine and my brothers'. One of his pickup lines will make the doctor stay away for weeks."

Because the doctor will be revolted, Quinlan didn't say.

Griff turned to Quinlan. "I will read one pickup line to you every night," he said seriously. "Like a bedtime story."

Quinlan choked. Griff cradled the book to his chest. "I can't thank you enough for this, Hex," Griff added. "It will change everything."

It wouldn't, but Quinlan wasn't going to ruin his hopes and dreams.

Hex cackled. "Anything for you, Dragon Master."

Maybe Quinlan would have to ask his friends to rescue him, after all.