26. Zach

TWENTY-SIX

Zach

The visit to Jax's place to see Charlie was long overdue. Ethan had insisted that Kai and I take a vacation to work through injuries, our new love, our partnership, and whatever else we had going on. With his trademark bluntness, he'd laid down the ultimatum: "Get some fucking rest, fix shit, and enjoy yourselves."

We didn't know what to do with ten days of vacation time. Neither of us were used to it, and we'd both made Ethan promise to contact us if he needed us. He'd grumbled about partners having sex.

I'd told him it was love.

I don't know what Kai said, but it took Josh to reassure him that he wouldn't lose two valuable team members but rather gain a committed team of two.

Like Spartans, only without the spears and skirts.

Kai's words, not mine .

So, over three thousand miles later, we found ourselves parked outside Jax's house in the San Diego suburbs, and I wondered what in God's name I thought I'd achieve by visiting my twin.

And my son.

It would be hard to see him and Charlie.

Painful to leave them both.

But we were here, and we hadn't given Jax and his partner a heads-up we were coming; it wasn't because we wanted to surprise him. It was more that I didn't want to disappoint him if he'd expected us and I'd been called away on our next mission.

Or I'd chickened out.

As I turned off the engine, I stole a glance at Kai, noting the smile as he stared through the windshield at my twin's house, and liking that he reached over and squeezed my hand. I could see the window of the bedroom I'd stayed in. I knew the layout of the house. I knew where Charlie slept, and the permanence of what Jax and Arlo had scared me more than meeting thirty bad guys down a dark alley. What if Jax thought I was here to take Charlie when that thought wasn't even in my head? What if Jax was so surprised he didn't want to see me. What if he judged me for leaving my son with him?

What if he hated me?

I rubbed my chest with my free hand, scared, but also with this irrational happiness pushing the fear to one side. Was that me, or was I feeling Jax?

"Ready?" Kai asked, and lifted my hand to kiss the knuckles.

I nodded, then taking a deep breath, I reached for the door handle, the warm July air rushing in to meet me. This was it—the moment of truth—and the party was lively, with the sounds of music and the sight of other cars parked in the driveway, a couple of trucks among them. My brother was hosting a BBQ, and it seemed like the absolute worst time for an unexpected visit but we walked around the side of the house and stopped just outside a latticed gate.

"Okay then," I muttered, and opened the gate before closing it behind us. Tables of drinks and food were scattered around, kids were running wild and laughing, the air filled with the scent of grilled meat and the sound of chatter. But amidst all the noise and commotion, I went still as I caught sight of my brother Jax chatting to his partner Arlo.

Charlie was there, toddling now, nearly two, his tiny hands reaching up to grab onto Jax's leg.

His daddy's leg.

It was a scene straight out of a family magazine, and for a moment, I felt a pang of envy. They looked so happy, so content, and I couldn't help but wonder why I didn't fight for that kind of normal. I could put down my weapon, not work for Shadow Team, be a dad, but it was wrong.

"We should go," I murmured.

But Kai nudged me, breaking me out of my reverie, and I forced a smile as we made our way closer to them. Jax spotted us and his face lit up with surprise and delight.

"Zach! Kai! What are you doing here?" he exclaimed, pulling away from Arlo's embrace to greet us.

"We were in the neighborhood," I replied lamely, feeling awkward and out of place amidst the family gathering.

"Well, I'm glad you stopped by!" Jax said with warmth, giving us both a hug. He picked up Charlie. "Look, Charlie, it's your…"

"Uncle Zach," I finished.

Jax nodded. We'd need to talk, but the papers were legal, Charlie was Jax's, and it was right for Charlie and me. One day soon we'd explain, maybe when he turned three? There was already a letter explaining everything for when he was older, but I didn't want who I was to be a secret. I just wanted him to know that I loved him and that I'd chosen someone special to be his daddy.

In the week I hoped to spend nearby, I would tell Jax, Arlo, and Charlie that, and I'd do it all with Kai at my side .

Charlie pointed at me, confused, then patted Jax's cheek. "Daddy?"

"Twins, remember, Charlie? Like your purple teddies. The same, but different?"

Charlie nodded, then pushed his fist into his mouth as Arlo smiled and extended his hand to shake ours.

"Nice to see you both again," he said. "Are you staying for food?"

I didn't want to stay, I wanted to run and not talk and not face my twin.

Jax was the stable one, the one who'd followed his path, had a family who loved him, and had found happiness with Arlo. Meanwhile, I had chosen a different direction—one fraught with danger and uncertainty. We couldn't be more different, and I wasn't sure there would ever be a place in Jax's life for me. I'd always thought that my reason for diving headfirst into danger was some noble cause, a desire to protect and serve, but in truth I'd been leaving, and running, and trying to find something that fit.

Kai was my fit, his presence grounding me in a way nothing else could. Somehow he'd become my family, my tether to sanity in a world that often felt like it was spinning out of control. In the end, it wasn't the dangers of the world that defined me—it was the love and support of Kai, and maybe it was time to take a step into my brother's life ?

Kai and I exchanged glances, and then he squeezed my hand again. Was I staying? I nodded. "Yeah."

"Jesus, this is freaky!" Someone clapped a hand on my shoulder and I spun to face the enemy, already tense.

"Stand down, Frogman," Kai chuckled, and I immediately relaxed. Faced with three people I recognized, two men, Leo and Reid, and a woman, Lorna, Jax's siblings, who stared at me with varying expressions.

Lorna yanked me into a hug, and at first, I didn't know what to do with my hands, but when she didn't let go, I patted her awkwardly.

"I'm Reid," one of the men said. "Hell, you look the same as Jax," he murmured in shock. Well, yeah, twins. "So freaky." It was his turn to hug me, briefly, more a bro-hug than a full-on bear grip like his sister.

Then it was Leo, who held out a hand, his eyes narrowed. "Leo," he murmured, and I shook his hand briefly. "Also, you should know I'm a cop," Leo crossed his arms over his chest. "Most of the intel I tracked down on you is redacted." My mouth fell open. Was Jax's brother going to start an interrogation in the middle of a party?

"There's a reason?—"

"Thank you for your service," he said briskly and nodded.

Okay then .

Then someone joined us, a young girl named Daisy, if I recall correctly, Jax's niece through marriage.

"So, are you my uncle as well?" she asked me.

I went into a semi-crouch, happy to feel Kai's hand on my shoulder. I suppose I was her uncle, sort of. "Yes."

"Cool. I'm Daisy."

"I'm Zach."

"Hi, Uncle Zach."

Simple as that, I was labeled, and then she hurried away to join some other kids near the food table.

We stood in silence, and it was weird, but then Leo yanked me into a hug, and I was close to flailing out of it. "Hide from my brother again, and I'll hurt you," he growled.

I could have laid him on the floor, but I hugged him back, which surprised us both. When we separated, he cleared his throat, and we exchanged nods. I was warned, and he was happy he'd warned me, and I didn't kill him for threatening me.

Win/win.

Leo looped an arm through mine and tugged me away. "Come meet Mom and Dad."

I threw a glance over my shoulder at Kai, desperate for him to rescue me, but he smirked and accepted a soda from Lorna, and when Jax fell in step with me, I guessed I was meeting the parents. We found them sitting in the shade, a small, fiery Italian woman who demanded I call her Mama Byrne and her placid former cop husband who smiled and said hello. They'd taken in four children who needed a home and made them a family, and I had to fight the urge to thank them for looking after Jax and giving him such a perfect life. They wouldn't want me doing that, and hell, I didn't want to draw attention to the fact I hadn't had that life, because it wasn't their fault that I'd been the one my mom sold. By the time we were done with introductions, Kai was dragging a chair next to me, handing me a bottle of water, and then taking my free hand when he sat.

I really needed to hold his hand.

We talked for a long time about Iris and India, Jax's daughters from his first marriage, his business, Leo-the-cop, his daughter Daisy, and his husband, and the names were so many I couldn't keep track.

I relaxed after people went home, and the backyard and garden grew quieter. However, my heart didn't crack until Mama and Papa Byrne headed out. Everyone said their goodbyes, and I thought that was the end of their visit, but then Mama Byrne tugged at my arm.

"I need you to walk me to the car, Zach. And you, Kai," she said, so we took each side, assisting when she didn't need help. When we reached the Toyota, she turned to face us both, grasping one of our hands each. "I have four children," she began, and I tensed, waiting for her to warn me, or tell me not to hurt any of them. She squeezed his hand as if she could feel my reaction. "We could always stand to have a couple more," she finished, then tugged Kai closer, kissing his cheek, before doing the same to me. "So if you need somewhere to go, a home and a family, you know where we are."

I was speechless and my eyes pricked with tears. That was just fucking stupid, right? She patted my cheek and smiled and didn't expect an answer, it seemed. Then we watched them leave, and I even waved as they turned out of the drive before we stood in silence.

"Did we just get adopted?" Kai asked.

I pulled him to my side, and he rested his head on my shoulder. "Maybe we could stand to have more family apart from just us," I said cautiously.

"We should talk about Charlie, and how he fits into everything."

"No." He glanced at me with a furrowed brow. "I don't mean Charlie. He's in the right place with Jax and Arlo. He's gonna be the happiest, luckiest kid, and it won't ever be a secret who I am, but y'know, when we're done with a job, or we're just done … maybe having people to come home to would be cool?"

He turned in my arms and cradled my face, then tugged me down for a kiss.

"Sounds good," he whispered into the kiss.

So good .

We stayed with Jax for the full week, and by the third day, I'd stopped jumping at shadows, and by the fourth, Kai had semi-relaxed as well. Not that I was rested because I didn't sleep well, but I curled up with Kai and tried. I woke at three, same as usual, and eased myself out from under Kai, who, it turned out, had octopus arms. He wrapped himself around me as if he never wanted to let go, but when I kissed his forehead and reassured him I would be back, he rolled onto my pillow and muttered something in his sleep.

I swear it was about his damn HK pistol and god, I loved him for that.

The house's quiet enveloped me like a warm blanket as I grabbed a bottle of water from the kitchen and sat in the dimly lit living room. Soft lamplight cast gentle shadows across the walls, and it was so damned quiet and soft and… I needed it. Outside, the world was sleeping, and the only sound was the occasional rustle of leaves in the gentle night breeze. In the quiet of my brother's home, I found a sense of peace that eluded me elsewhere, and it felt weird.

Wrong somehow.

As I leaned back into the plush cushions, lost in my thoughts, Jax emerged from the hallway, a small figure cradled in his arms. Charlie was fast asleep, his tiny chest rising and falling, and Jax grinned at me.

"Hey," he said softly, a warm smile playing on his lips as he settled onto the sofa opposite me. "Couldn't sleep?"

I shook my head, offering him a tired smile. "It's too quiet," I said without thinking and winced. Only Jax nodded, his gaze drifting down to Charlie nestled against his chest.

"I get that. I kinda like the quiet."

"We're different," I said, gesturing to myself, "but the same."

"Weird, right?"

"So much." I was still finding my footing where my twin was concerned. I loved him and I wish we'd grown up together, but if wishes were horses…

I'd grown up thinking the world was hard, fighting for my place in it, and there's something to be said about nature versus nurture. We'd been born the same but I was a trained soldier, I wanted to protect. I wanted to run into danger to keep my twin and Charlie safe.

"Did he wake you up?" I asked.

Jax grinned down, not at all fazed by Charlie waking. "He's been fussy tonight," he explained, stroking Charlie's cheek. "Teething again."

My heart clenched at the sight of my son, so small and vulnerable in the arms of his uncle, who was really his dad when it mattered. "Thanks for being his dad, Jax," I said quietly, gratitude and love swelling within me.

"He's my family," Jax replied, his voice warm with affection. "My son…" He trailed off and glanced at me. "How does that make you feel when I say that?"

"You're not saying it to hurt me," I offered. "Biologically, I'm his dad, but when you say you're his dad, it makes me feel content, warm even." I rubbed my chest and offered him a smile. "I want him happy, steady, with a family, with your daughters." We sat silently for a moment, and then I knew I had to ask the question I'd been trying to avoid. What Jax thought of me mattered.

"Hey, Jax," I began, my voice tinged with uncertainty. "Can I ask you something?"

Jax glanced up at me from where he'd been staring down at Charlie, his expression curious but welcoming.

"What's on your mind?"

I hesitated, unsure how to articulate the emotions swirling inside me. "Do you… Jesus, why is this so hard?" I took a deep breath and exhaled. "Do you think less of me for wanting Charlie to be with you?"

Jax's eyes softened with understanding; his focus fixed on me as he considered my question.

"How could I ever think less of you for giving Arlo and me such an incredible gift?"

His words struck a chord, stirring up memories and emotions I had long buried. "I guess I just worry. I never contacted you even though I knew where you were, and you must hate that," I admitted in a whisper. "I want what's best for Charlie, but… I don't want to lose him like I lost you."

"Charlie will always be a part of our family, no matter what. Family isn't just about blood—it's about love, and you've given him more love than he could ever need by putting his needs first. You'll always be his daddy."

"I can be daddy two." I held up two fingers in case he didn't understand I meant the number two. "You can be daddy. Arlo is Papa. And Kai? Well, he can be the fun uncle that… shit, I'm rambling."

"Rambling is good. Can I say something?"

"Sure."

"I know youweren't lucky enough to be adopted, and I hate that, but family is in the heart."

Gratitude swelled in my chest, pushing aside the guilt. "Is it selfish that I needed to hear that?" Despite my confidence in high-stakes situations, the responsibilities of fatherhood felt overwhelming. I questioned whether I had the emotional capacity and parenting skills to give my son the care and attention he deserved, especially with the demands of my career. My son's happiness and future were paramount and when being with Jax could offer him a better life, free from the uncertainties and dangers of my profession, then it was a sacrifice I was willing to make. Did that make me selfish?

"Nah," he whispered, his voice tinged with emotion .

"Stability, consistency, and all the love you can give him is better than what I could offer."

"You say that, but no one is born to be a dad. We learn on the fly."

That all sounded wonderful, but I put others' safety before mine, until maybe one day I wouldn't. I just didn't know when that day would happen, and Charlie deserved more. "I know a lot of things about me, and I know that Charlie is safe and happy with you."

We sat in silence again, and I relaxed a little more.

"Can I tell you something?" he asked.

"Always."

"I get scared."

I stiffened at the admission. "I won't let anything hurt him or your family."

He smiled at me in that super-affectionate way he had. "I don't mean that. I'm scared that one day you'll want him back and…" He stopped and then kissed the top of Charlie's head. "It would kill me."

I was confused. "The legal documentation makes you his father, Jax. No questions."

"I know, but…"

"The decision to entrust him to you was easy, and it's not because I don't want to know him, but because I love him so much that I'd do anything for him. Sometimes, what I do, there's a real risk of not returning home. I can't bear the thought of my son growing up without a father, and I need to be out there, and…" I sc rubbed at my face. Was I wrong to do this? Why couldn't I get my heart to settle. "You can give him a stable and loving home, even if I can't always be here."

"But you're happy if we tell him everything about you, show him photos, and you can write to him, visit us all." He bit his lip and seemed conflicted. "I mean it's okay to tell him everything?"

"Of course."

"What can you tell me about his mom?"

That was a throat punch I wasn't expecting. "She's passed, no family that we could track down. She was a product of the system, the same as me."

"Do you have photos of her?"

No. I had nothing. But it hit me that I could get surveillance photos, maybe ask someone back at Shadow Team to AI them, and make Kerry into something beautiful and untouched by the world that hurt her.

"I'll get some," I said. "She was very beautiful."

"Did you love her?"

Fuck . "Always tell Charlie I loved her."

There, the lie wouldn't be coming from me. I wanted to keep her safe. We'd created a miracle between us. I felt affection, but only since I'd found Kai did I know what love really was. I'd never loved her in the same way—she'd been a mark, a target, but the thing we'd done, the beautiful child in my twin's arms, was a greater love than anyone could know .

Jax buried his face in Charlie's hair and took a moment, and his eyes were bright with emotion when he glanced up at me. "I'm sorry you didn't get a family growing up."

I crossed to sit next to him, stroked Charlie's tiny back, and we side-hugged as hard as possible for the longest time.

When I sat back, we were both crying as something in my heart began to mend. "I have a family now, and that's all that matters."

Silence settled between us then, punctuated by the soft sounds of Charlie's breathing and the distant hum of the night. At that moment, I felt a sense of peace wash over me, and for the first time, I didn't want to run from the quiet.