11. Zach

ELEVEN

Zach

The mission in Oregon had been a disaster from the start. My head wasn't in the game, distracted by thoughts of home and the brother I hadn't seen in years. I should have focused on the task at hand, but instead, I let my guard down, nearly costing me my life.

I never saw the gunman, never heard the shot piercing my flesh, but I sure as hell felt it. The searing pain tore through me, and before I knew it, I was on the ground, bleeding out in a dark alley.

But Kai was there, always there when I needed him most. He dragged my sorry ass out of that alley, bundled me into the car, and drove us south, away from the danger and towards safety.

Given the circumstances, we found medical help in a veterinary surgery and patched me up as best we could. But Kai had a job to finish, a case to close, and he couldn't afford to let me slow him down.

As Kai helped me into the car, I winced, the pain shooting through me with every movement. "Fuck, Kai, we need to go back and finish this," I protested, my voice strained.

Kai's jaw tightened, his eyes flickering with concern. "Zach, I'm taking you somewhere safe; I can't afford any distractions. I'll find you after."

I shook my head, the meds making my thought processes slow, and frustration bubbled up inside me as they pulled me under. "You need so…s…s'backup…" I slurred. Why couldn't I make him understand?

Kai cursed. "I've got this," he said, his voice heavy with regret.

"Team," I managed to force out.

"There's no one right now," he said. "I've got this."

I wanted to insist that he take me with him, but my worries smoothed out as exhaustion and pain overwhelmed me, dragging me down like an anchor. My last conscious thoughts were about Charlie. I knew I'd been right to leave him with Jax because look at me now, fucked up and in agony. I could have died today, and he would never know how much I loved him, but he wouldn't miss me.

He would never know me.

"Tell… tell… Charlie…"

The argument in the car had started with an exchange of fierce, heated words as emotions ran high. But then I'd rolled over, knew I was a liability. He was going to go it alone, risking everything for the sake of his mission, stubborn, determined to see things through to the end, no matter the cost.

"Fuck you, Zach!" Kai yelled at me, which just seemed wrong. "Tell him yourself!"

The journey was rough, the pain levels increasing, and Kai made me take more meds. I was certain he spent most of the journey to wherever the hell he was taking me to hide out shouting down the phone at various people. I slept, and I didn't feel the pain when I was asleep.

But then the car stopped, and he shouted at someone, "We need a bed for him!"

"Kai, stop shouting," I tried to stop him.

"Bed?" he snapped, and I stumbled after him as he half-lifted me up some stairs. "Stay the fuck here!" he ordered me. "Do not fucking leave this fucking house!" he added.

My eye hurt when I bounced on the bed; I recall the bad guys beating me with something after the bullet took me down. A bat? The gun? I couldn't remember. My arm throbbed, the crude sling too much for me to move, but loose enough that I knocked my injury as my world spun.

Where was I?

I couldn't breathe .

"Zach?" Someone called my name. Who was that? I attempted to open my eyes, and after the biggest struggle as pain gripped me, I managed to see the man staring down at me.

My mirror image.

My twin.

Jax.

Fuck.

Why would Kai bring me here? What happened to plausible deniability? What if someone had followed us? I tried to move, but I had lead in my veins, and I was stuck. Was I here because there was trouble? Was Charlie okay?

"Charlie? Do you have him?" I managed, my throat raw.

Jax nodded, swallowing hard. "He's here; he's safe."

I relaxed and let the bed take me. Charlie was okay, and as soon as I was able, I would leave. No one would connect us, and he'd stay safe.

"Thank you."

"What happened?" Jax asked in a quiet voice. Was he reaching for me? I couldn't bear for him to touch me. I didn't want this to be real. I'd stayed away for so damn long.

"I… I don't…" I closed my eyes and tried to focus. "It's all a blur. But I knew Kai would…"

"Kai? Is that the man who was with you?"

"Kai," I repeated and coughed because my throat was so dry, the meds giving me cottonmouth, a metallic taste in my mouth where my lip was split.

Jax vanished but was back again just as fast with a bottle of water, unscrewing the lid and holding it out. I couldn't even move to get to it. He seemed to realize as he helped me sit, and for once, I allowed myself to lean on him. He was solid and strong, and he held me with care.

"What happened, Zach?"

"Hazard… job." I tried to joke, and groaned in pain.

"Take it easy. You're safe here."

He picked up the envelope containing my meds and pulled out a note, frowning as he read it, then helped me to take the pills I needed. Somewhere in this place, in the house with the soft bed and my twin, was my son.

"Charlie."

"I have him; he's okay," he told me again.

"No… see him…"

"I'll get him." He left, and after a short pause, he was back, a sleepy Charlie in his arms. I reached out to touch one of my son's tiny hands, tears in my eyes. I hadn't seen him since the day I'd left him in Jax's care, and the pain of loss gnawed at me.

I wanted to know everything—how he was growing, what he liked to do, if he was happy—but the words stuck in my throat, caught up in a mess of emotions I couldn't untangle. How could I thank Jax for taking him in and giving him a home and a family when I couldn't? How could I ask him if Charlie was happy without my heart shattering into a million pieces?

The weight of it all pressed down on me, a heavy burden I carried daily. I wanted to reach out, to ask about Charlie, to hear his voice and know he was safe, but fear held me back. What if he didn't know me?

"Tell me."

"About Charlie?" Jax smiled, completely in love with his nephew—his son now. "He's putting on weight. He's always so happy, although we've had a few sleepless nights. He loves mashed-up zucchini now and, of course, bananas, and he's funny and sweet. Last week, he did this thing where he was clapping his hands at Arlo, and Arlo leaned too far forward, and Charlie caught Arlo's nose. "I guess I should explain that Arlo is my boyfriend."

I tried to smile, a warmth flooding me that was half medication and all love for my brother. "Tell me about him?"

Jax didn't even take a breath. "Uhm, Arlo is a big guy. You'll love him, a good brother, and he loves Charlie, and more importantly, for some weird reason, he loves me. He walks with Charlie around the yard, and they talk nonsense about flowers and…"

I remember nothing else; the meds dragging me under to the sound of my twin's voice.

I barely registered Jax and his boyfriend checking in on me, sometimes I would half wake and see one of them there. Arlo was a good-looking man, and when I saw them together, Charlie in Jax's arms, they were beautiful as a family. There was a lot of whispering, but nothing I could make out and there were snacks left next to the bed, which I ate as best I could, along with water and orange juice. When I next woke it was dark, and I tried to focus on my watch, three a.m. I needed to leave.

I tried sitting up. I couldn't, so I dozed on and off, and let my body try to heal.

When dawn lightened the room, I felt strong enough to shuffle myself upright. I held out a hand when I saw Jax checking on me with Charlie in his arms.

"Hey, you," I cooed to Charlie and held him with my good arm. Now what? I owed Jax some of the story. "I didn't even know his mom was pregnant," I said, breathing in Charlie's scent as I kissed his red hair, which was so like mine and Jax's. I pulled myself back to the lie I'd told, needed to embellish it without telling Jax it was my fault she was dead, something I never wanted Charlie to find out when he was older. "I found out when they called me to the hospital." My voice cracked at the weight of the lie, but I forged ahead. "She never even got to meet him."

He tensed. "She passed away?"

"An hour after he was born. She'd been…" Jesus, I was crying again at seeing Kerry so still, at holding Charlie in the hospital, when everything had gone so horribly wrong. They'd rushed DNA tests, but I didn't ne ed them, I knew he was mine. But how did I explain that to Jax? "I thought I could protect them both. I gave it all up to be a dad, and it followed me."

He sat at the end of the bed and had this serious but puzzled expression. "What followed you, Zach?" God, that was a leading question.

"My job."

"You're one of the good guys, right?" he asked and I could see that was a really important question. Did he think I could be a bad guy? Did he think I was here to take Charlie? I could never do that to my precious son.

I took one long inhale of Charlie's baby scent and measured my words with caution. Was I one of the good guys? Could a blunt instrument, wielding death and destruction to rid society of those deemed bad, be seen as good? I groaned at myself going in circles; Team philosophical-on-meds for the win. "Depends on who's in power at the time, but yes, I promise you, I'm one of the good guys."

"Kai as well?"

"And Kai."

"What's next?"

I snuggled Charlie, who batted at me and tugged at my hair. "It's not done yet. But the person who ki—hurt Charlie's mom? Gone." An expression passed over his mirror features, surprise maybe, or shock, or maybe he was happy I'd taken out the one who'd hurt Kerry? There was no way I was dissecting this. "I have to go back."

Jax stiffened, his expression concerned. "You're not well enough to go anywhere."

"Will you care for Charlie for me?"

"Always. You never have to ask."

I tried to laugh, but shit, the pain was back. "I never had someone who'd unconditionally be there in my corner. Even Kai has his limits, and he's my partner. Not in life, I mean, at work."

"What about your family?"

"I didn't have one," I said, and he shook his head, all sad, and I felt bad for bringing him down. "But I'm glad you got so lucky, little brother."

"What happened to you?"

Fuck, where did I start with that? "Too much to explain, but I never knew about you, not until I joined the Navy, and when they did family checks, there you were."

"You were in the Navy? Next thing you'll tell me is you were a SEAL." I hid my expression against Charlie's soft hair, and Jax spluttered. "The fu—fudge? You were a SEAL? Wait, are you a SEAL right now?"

I smiled then, "I can neither confirm nor deny."

"Confirm or deny what?" Arlo asked from the door, carrying a tray with three drinks and a plate of cookies.

Jax pointed at me. "Navy SEAL."

Arlo settled the tray on the table and placed the cocoa next to me. I wanted coffee, and call it a twin thing, or not, Jax switched my cocoa for a coffee and I settled Charlie between his knees so I could lean over the table and sip the nectar of the gods, letting out a deep sigh at doing something so normal.

Jax was staring at Arlo, who was staring at me, and something passed between them.

"I love you ," Arlo said to Jax with fierce determination. "Stop thinking so hard!"

I couldn't help but smile. They were so cute, so normal, so in love. I wanted that for my twin, wanted it so badly that my heart hurt. I wished I could have that with…

"I probably need to sleep a while more," I said when it was all too much, and Arlo picked up Charlie and bounced him before they left me to sleep.

I lasted the whole day, mulling over Kai's note.

He needs his meds, look after the fucking idiot, don't call a doc, no hospitals, and don't ask questions he can't answer. He won't stay. Don't panic when he leaves. K.

That was so Kai, brisk and to the point, and he knew me better than I knew myself. Something woke me up, and I blinked into the darkness.

"Time to go," Kai whispered.

"You got them?"

"Yeah. Time to head back to ops and get you some real help. You ready to leave?"

He held out clothes, and I noticed a closet door open behind him. I wondered if these were Jax's clothes. He answered my question when the sweats were at the right length, albeit a little tight. The same was true for the T-shirt. I dressed with help from a frowning Kai and took a moment to write a note to Jax.

What could I say? How did I distill all my fears while making sure he wasn't worried, and also tell him never to let Charlie forget me?

In the end, it was easy. Hey, little brother, sorry to go; don't worry about me. Tell Charlie all about me. See you soon. Z.

At least I left Jax with a small amount of hope that I'd see him, Arlo, and Charlie again.

But I never promised I'd be back.

It was safer that way.