15. Rue

Rue

The light was soft behind my eyelids. I stretched, yawned, and blinked them open. I didn't think it was early. The sunlight looked bright through the cracks in the curtains. Yawning again, I turned my head and came face to face with Koa.

He was watching me with a soft smile on his lips.

"Hi," I greeted.

His smile widened a bit. "Morning, wife," he murmured, voice deep and scratchy. This was Koa's morning voice.

For a minute longer, we just looked at each other. He was rumpled, his hair wild. A pillow crease on his cheek. Even his beard was fluffed in a bedridden way. It made me smile.

I rolled to my side and brushed my fingers through the hair at his forehead. "You okay?"

He nodded. "I'm trying not to think too much."

"Don't feel like being Little right now?"

Koa's smile widened again. "I rarely wake up Little. If it's just me and Calix in our room, I might. Depending on… well, I don't know. It's still not often, but sometimes. When we're in a big group, I rarely wake up Little. "

"But you're okay with being Little throughout the day with us."

He nodded. "It's not a trust thing. I don't have a reason for it that I can recognize." Koa shrugged.

"Where are the others this morning?"

"I think they're in the other room fucking."

I laughed. "And you're not with them?"

He gave me a bemused smile and I remembered his profile. Wincing, I said, "Sorry. Never mind."

Koa laughed quietly. "It's not that I don't love them. Or that I'm not attracted to them. Or even that I'm not interested. I could definitely do that easily. It's a mental game for me. I…" he trailed off for a minute, eyes searching mine. His fingers touched my cheek softly, as if to let me know he's including me in ‘them.' "Do you know that most of the apex predators actually have different strength levels among them within their species?"

I nodded. "Yes."

He mimicked my nodding. "The strongest of the strong are often like Ryker and Tyrus. They're… unable to be human. Tyrus' mental state is the most common—what the world calls a psychopath. Ryker is even stronger. It's because the monstrous parts of them are so consuming, so… infected throughout their body, it takes a stupidly ridiculous amount of control to keep their monsters from being loose all the time."

"I hadn't heard it explained that way."

He nodded. "I'm like them, except my psychopathy didn't manifest. There's a fine line between psychopathy and brilliance, though. That's where mine manifested. Between all the overactive connections in my brain always being on, making connections all the time and the struggle of keeping my monster in control… it takes up a lot of mental real estate. It's exhausting. So many times I've wished I could trade it all in and be like Tyrus. He's happy."

"That's why you go into little space, right?"

"Yeah. As a Little, I don't have the capacity to think about it. The stress falls away because adult life doesn't exist when I'm there. Even Big, like this, there's always a place in my head where little space is rooted. Everything takes up very distinct places in my head. Relationships are no different. The thing is, I only have the mental capacity to be in one that's physical. Sex is…"

Koa shook his head. A minute passed and he didn't speak, but began chewing his lip. I didn't prompt him to continue but waited patiently for him to find the words he was trying to tell me. Not that I thought he needed to. I might not understand from a place of experience or even common knowledge about monsters, but I understood when he said it wasn't something he could get involved in.

Finally, he said, "It's a Big thing. Sex has never been something that's purely pleasure for me. It's emotional and connecting. Deep enough that it even affects my monster. The thing is, everyone is different, and it gets overwhelming to me and my monster. To the point where I can get very… out of control. Like the other day, but less aware, I guess. It never means I love any of you less. It just means I need these relationships outside of Calix to be romantic and intimate in a non-sexual way."

"Your profile alluded to something like that without getting into details. I just forgot."

"For obvious reasons, I didn't go into depth about my monster and how that plays a big role in the way my relationships are manifested. We didn't know if a monster or human would be our completion."

"No, I get it. And I completely respect that."

"Calix is my Daddy," he said, his voice taking on a shy tone. "If we hadn't formed a sexual bond, I probably would be celibate. I don't have a very active sex drive," he confided. "But sex with Calix is another way our relationship manifests. It's not… a driving force. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here." He laughed, his cheeks pinking.

I smiled, resting my palm on his cheek .

"I just want you to understand why I don't join them. Or why I won't be joining you. I don't have the mental capacity to have that many sexual relationships that take up so much of my… emotion?"

"It's okay," I promised, sliding a little closer so I could wrap my arm around him in a slightly awkward hug. "There's a huge misconception in the world that having a healthy romantic relationship means there's a big sexual component to it. It's mentally damaging to people who don't feel that way, for whatever reason. It's not true. A relationship between siblings or parents and their children or nephews and grandparents can be just as strong, if not stronger than one between you and a romantic partner. These people who define a relationship's importance by whether it contains sex or not need to reexamine what it means to love someone."

He sighed. "I agree. It's not healthy to push your opinions and beliefs on everyone as if it's the only way to live. It's hurtful."

I had a feeling he was speaking from experience. My heart hurt for him.

We were quiet for a minute before he said, "I hope I didn't make it sound like I hate sex or anything. I don't. It's just not super… uh, motivating? I need literally everything else that Calix gives me more, I guess is what I'm trying to say. And I wouldn't want to stop having sex with him. I just…"

I chuckled and leaned in to kiss his nose. "It's okay. I don't need to know why, and you definitely don't need to tell me."

"I've never tried to put it into words before. At least, not out loud. I always knew a day would come when I'd need to explain it to our wife because you have sex with your wife. That's the rules, as you said, that people believe. I may not be part of the human world, but I've lived in it long enough to feel the effects of their societal pressures. It makes me appreciate how strong some of our human friends are to have survived in it for so long. It's going to take the lifetime they're promised with their monsters to erase all the bullshit and learn how to be… I'd say hu mane because humans like to pretend that they understand compassion. I've seen enough to doubt they truly understand the word."

"Do you have a lot of human friends?" I asked.

"Uh… some. We're close with a dozen families. Since we didn't have a usual monstrous HP wedding, you didn't get to meet them. We'll have a celebration at some point. It just feels weird doing that kind of stuff here in the compound. It's like our lives are in limbo—we're living but not living them, you know?"

I nodded. Definitely.

"So, yeah. Out of those twelve families, let's see. The Darkyns have two humans—Jex and Raleigh. Nereus has one—Oliver. Wyns have their wife, Jennings, and the Aves have their wife, Obry." He paused before saying, "Oh and Aden Malak. I think… Nope, the witches have Jasper. One of their kids isn't monstrous either, though don't bring it up. It's a sore subject."

I grinned.

"I think that's it. Seven, I think."

"That's really cool. I didn't expect there to be a lot of humans here, but there are a lot more than I thought."

"We don't open our compound up to human families," he admitted. "Right or wrong, and there's some strong opinions about that."

"Because of ORKA?"

"On one side, that's one of their biggest arguments. But you know the saying ‘can't judge a book by its cover'? The other side says the same thing. If we're going to judge all humans based on one group, then we can't really complain that they're judging all monsters based on Silence. I think that might be one of the few things monsters and humans truly have in common—we base our opinions of the whole on the actions of a few."

"But you never know which one you'll get," I mused. "They all look the same on the surface."

"That can be said about everything, can't it?" Koa asked, rolling onto his back. "There are bad men in the world and women don't know which they're looking at, so they avoid them all. There are nasty monsters in the world, but you don't know which you're looking at, so you're terrified of them all. There are some really rotten parents in the world, but you don't know whether the one you see is one of them, but you assume they are."

"For a monster, you definitely know a lot about human nature and culture."

He laughed. "I work with humans a lot. Not just within my company, but they hire my company too. I've had a really long life of observing their good and bad. Honestly, I'm not even sure which there are more of in the world at this point. We all want to hope that good prevails but… I'm not really sure it does."

His words hung in the air for several minutes and I thought we felt the weight of them and our current situation right now. At its roots, this war with Silence could be thought of as good vs. evil, right? Light vs. dark. Wrong vs. right. Heroes vs. villains.

There was definitely no guarantee the good side would win. In fact, if you looked at the statistics right now with half the world's human population slaughtered… it was looking less and less likely.

"You two awake?" Javan asked.

Koa and I picked our heads up as he stepped into the door with a large tray in his hands. Bryn and Calix followed, carrying two more trays just like it. We sat up as they set the trays on the bed and climbed on after them.

"We're eating in bed?" Koa asked, suspiciously. "You hate crumbs."

Javan laughed. "I do. But I need to wash the sheets today, so I'm making an exception."

"Oh," Koa said, grinning and grabbing a slice of toast. "So I can get crumbs everywhere, then?"

Javan grabbed his wrist, giving him a very stern look that had Koa laughing. "Be good. "

There was a little bit of everything on the trays, and we sat quietly around them munching away.

"So what's up today?" I asked.

"I thought maybe we'd stay home as a family," Calix suggested. "Just hang out. Run around with our good boy."

Koa grinned.

"I'm surprised you're not Little right now," Bryn said.

Koa shrugged. "I was talking to our wife. It's easier to have an adult conversation as an adult."

"Indeed," Javan agreed, smirking.

"How are you feeling?" Calix asked, cupping the side of Koa's face briefly.

He sighed. "I was distracted so… okay. But I'll probably regress into little space after breakfast." His eyes flickered around the four of us as he chewed the piece of fruit he had just popped into his mouth. Once he swallowed, he added, "If that's okay?"

"Of course," Calix promised. "You're looking better. I'm really happy to see it."

Koa smiled. "I feel okay. Really. But that might be because I've not been Big for more than ten minutes until this point."

It took me a minute to realize Javan, Bryn, and Calix were all studying Koa. So I looked at him, too. I obviously didn't know him as well as our husbands, but I looked for signs that he wasn't okay. That his monster was too close to the surface.

"What?" Koa asked after a minute.

Javan and Bryn glanced at each other, but Calix continued to stare at Koa. "Do you think maybe tomorrow you might be up for a trip to your office?"

Koa's eyebrows knitted together as he froze. "Why? You think I'm ready to go back to work?"

I knew I wasn't the only one who heard the trepidation in his voice.

"No. Not full-time. Not even part-time. There's something we'd like to run through your software, and after talking to your guys, it seems you keep your newest software close to your chest."

Koa smirked. "I'm still working on it. So I haven't shown anyone how to use it yet. But… you have something?"

"Maybe," Bryn said. "We came up with a plan the other day and we'd like to see whether we're just excited over nothing, or maybe have an idea on how to move forward. I'd also love to see what it tells us about probabilities and shit. You know, the Koa method of planning."

Koa grinned. But his smile faded quickly. "I'm not sure there's anything left in my office."

"Actually, I think even your monster appreciates your electronic systems. Your office itself has seen better days. However, none of your technology was so much as singed."

Koa's shoulders relaxed.

"Baby, if you were concerned about that, why didn't you ask?" Calix asked.

"You told me I wasn't to have anything to do with work. I didn't want anyone to get mad if I asked about it."

Calix sighed. "We're going to work on the difference between asking out of concern and asking because you feel guilt-driven to find something that's not there."

Koa peeked at me, giving me a sheepish smile.

"Your business is fine, Koa. All your software, your intellectual property, your technology—right down to the damn light switches—every single computer and phone and tablet, it's all fine. Perfect. No one experienced so much as a blip."

Koa sighed. "Thanks. I needed to know that."

"We wouldn't have kept a disaster from you, Koa. We'd have found another way to work through that," Javan said. "We understand this isn't just an obsession of yours. It's something you've worked a lifetime to build, and we wouldn't do anything to jeopardize it."

"Javan's right. If for a minute we thought that your business would suffer without you being there, again, we'd have thought of another way to help you. But you've done so fucking good at hiring competent people that I knew it'd be fine," Calix continued.

"It's equally hurtful not to be needed at the place I built," Koa muttered.

"Oh no, Koa," Bryn said, shaking his head. "I talk to them every single day. They miss you so damn much. You are needed. Your skills, your mind, your patience, your calm—more than anyone else, your presence is felt. But they're doing damn good, if I do say so."

Koa smiled. He dropped his chin to his chest for a minute. "Thank you."

Calix leaned across the bed, over the tray. It tilted violently, threatening to spill everywhere. Javan and I reached for it to straighten it out while Calix kissed Koa for several long seconds. "I love you. We love you. We will always do whatever we need to take care of you. Just as you do for us."

Once more, Koa glanced at me. I could see exactly what we'd been talking about. Everything about life was overwhelming to Koa. Even this one sweet moment where Calix was reassuring him.

"We'll check in tomorrow morning and see how you're feeling. For today, we're going to spend the day as a family doing nothing but having fun and relaxing."

Koa nodded. "Okay, Daddy."