Chapter 17

True to her word, the moment dinner was over, Cas ran inside and tugged the duvet off Ada and Brad's bed, tucking it up under her arm (in spite of Ada's laughing protests) and dragging it behind her as they went to the dressing room to change into their pajamas. She cast her gaze back over her shoulder, her eyes snagging on Ada's, which were shining with amusement, their gold centers sparking, and, fucking hell, Cas couldn't breathe.

It was tragic, tragic, standing here feeling like this and pretending she was feeling anything otherwise. Very out of Cas's usual wheelhouse, if she was being honest.

Once freshened up, Cas and Ada made their way back outside. Brad was sitting on the duvet-less bed, arms crossed, staring daggers at them when they walked into the bedroom, but Cas just rolled her eyes, took Ada's hand, and together, they went back outside.

They walked with slow steps toward the daybed tucked away in the far corner. The idea of sleeping outside together had seemed simple enough. Casual enough. Friendly enough. But now, every step Cas took felt like one more nail in her own coffin. Her heart was in her throat, stuttering as they approached. The pillows were scattered all over the bed from earlier that afternoon, and Ada swept them up to the head of the bed with one swift motion of her arm.

"What side do you fancy?" Ada asked.

"I—uh— Any. Whatever one you don't want is fine."

Outside of the villa, she tended to gravitate more toward the side of the bed her phone was charging on, but she had a three-meter charging cord, so she didn't even need to be that wedded to it if she didn't want to be.

"Really," Cas said in response to Ada's arched eyebrow. "I'm not picky."

Ada tugged down the right side of the duvet before climbing into bed. "You know. I don't think I really thanked you for this afternoon."

Cas couldn't meet Ada's gaze as she slid into the left side of the bed. "Why would you need to thank me?"

"You looked like you were about to tear Brad apart before the Voice of God got to him."

"It's what anyone would have done—"

"Cas." Ada brought her hand down onto Cas's thigh under the duvet. The small motion felt like a cannonball through Cas's ribs. "Let me thank you."

"You don't—" Ada raised a stern eyebrow and Cas changed course. "You're welcome."

Ada patted Cas's thigh gently, clearly glad she'd gotten Cas to bend.

"Seriously," Ada said. "I don't think I would have made it through today without you."

"You would've," Cas said. Ada clicked her tongue at her, but Cas was quick to clarify. "No, you would've. Sienna's a great friend, she would have happily coached you through."

Ada laughed softly. "That's true." She was quiet for a beat, the silence thick, as if there was something hovering just between them. Finally, Ada drew in a gentle breath. "I was especially grateful for you, though."

Their eyes met and Cas felt it pin her to the spot.

As thrilled as the sentiment made her feel, it was uncomfortable, the faith Ada so obviously had in her. Did Cas deserve it? Had she earned it?

"You still would've survived it," Cas said. She slid a little farther under the duvet. Her voice was thick, not at all casual like she'd been trying for. She swallowed. Tried again. "It just would've been less fun."

Ada rolled her eyes, but the smile tugging at the corner of her lips was everything. She shifted until she was lying down, her red hair splaying out across the pillow.

It was a visual that immediately conjured another context, made Cas think of things she definitely shouldn't be. She couldn't give Ada what she wanted—she repeated it in her head like a mantra.

Ada was quiet for a long moment, only the sound of the breeze in the tree above them breaking the silence.

"You know, I should have known it was going to be bad when Brad picked me," Ada said finally, her fingers playing absently with her microphone wire. "Who the fuck saunters over like that, like he thought he was walking a runway or something?"

"Arseholes," Cas said, her tone matter-of-fact. She hadn't meant it to be a joke, but it drew another laugh out of Ada, and Cas warmed.

Cas had noticed Ada sneaking glances at her, but now her gaze was trained on the sky. The fairy lights above cast dots of light across her freckled skin, and she finally looked at peace for the first time in days. She was the most beautiful person Cas had ever seen.

This, this was the sort of thing Brad should have been talking about in his stupid re-partnering speech. Not just that Ada was attractive, but the impossible softness of her skin. How the smattering of freckles across her chest looked like constellations, the way her copper hair skimmed across her shoulders. Just a few of the thousands of things someone could love about Ada.

Like.

Likeabout Ada.

"Tell me something I don't know about you."

Ada turned her head on her pillow, her shoulders shifting slightly as if she was about to roll over but decided against it. "Like what?" Ada's eyes were impossibly beautiful in the dark. "My favorite color?"

Cas snorted, a valiant but failed attempt to stop her heart racing.

"Please, I already know your favorite color."

"What is it, then?"

"Blue," Cas said simply. "You wear blue almost every day."

A parade of Ada's blue bikinis, dresses, tops, adorable pajamas, floated through her mind. Her favorite, without a doubt, was the two-toned strappy bikini Ada'd worn earlier that week, but even the ratty tie-dyed jumper Ada was currently wearing had its merits.

Cas reached out gingerly and fingered the tattered cuff of Ada's sleeve, her index finger sliding against the hole torn in the seam. Cas watched the way the loose threads caught on her skin before she looked up. She'd intended to meet Ada's gaze, but found Ada's eyes trained on the soft circles Cas was dragging along her sleeve.

She watched Ada watching her for a long beat before she swallowed and pulled her hand away. "Anyway, yeah, it's blue. What do you think my favorite color is?"

"If we're just going off clothes, it's black," Ada said flatly, and Cas had to laugh.

"Okay, you're not wrong. Though, I'm also partial to a nice lavender."

"Are you?"

"You seem surprised."

"I am," Ada said, rolling onto her side now and tucking her right arm up underneath her head. "I didn't picture you as a pastels girl."

Cas opened her mouth to argue the point, but there was no point. "Fair enough."

Neither of them said anything for a few long moments. The silence would have been easy if they weren't both lying on their sides, facing each other. In this position, it felt like there was a tether pulled tight between them. The anticipation of something building, tugging behind Cas's gut, pulling her forward...

Ada smiled. "But okay, if you already know my favorite color, what do you want to know?"

"Anything." Every piece of information Cas learned about Ada felt like she was getting something special. Precious. Cas was hoarding them, very Gollum and that ring, and it was sort of embarrassing but she also couldn't quite help it. "Something I don't know."

Ada hummed softly and rolled onto her back, revealing a stretch of her bare stomach. Cas skipped her eyes across it before drawing in a deep breath and mirroring the position.

"I can start if you want," Cas said quietly.

"Okay."

There were a million things that Cas could've told her. Millions of things that Ada didn't know. But Cas wanted to tell her the big thing, the thing she hadn't talked about with anyone but Aisha and Skye in the days after it all fell apart. It terrified her, the impulse to open up about this, but she wanted to, wanted Ada to know this about her. To understand her.

"I was engaged once. A few years ago." A long exhale, a weight being lifted off her shoulders. "It was the last real relationship I had."

Ada's expression blossomed with understanding. "Oh."

"Yeah. We were a few weeks away from our wedding when she called it off. She wanted to move back home and she didn't want me to come with her."

Said like that, it was almost simple. Almost erased all the pain and desperation and god-awful heartbreak Cas had barely survived after Saoirse left. It made it seem inevitable, like Cas was always going to be leaving tragic, rambling messages on Saoirse's voicemail and then sobbing in the shower.

"That's really horrible," Ada said. She took Cas's hand, their fingers weaving together. "I'm so sorry."

Cas looked down, watched the smooth progress of Ada's thumb along the side of her index finger. It was the first time they'd held hands like this. Close, the soft touch of the duvet, the brush of the breeze on their exposed skin. It was intimate, something that was just theirs.

"It hit me like a fucking train." She'd meant to laugh it off, but it came out thick, choked. "One day, I'm getting final fittings done, and the next, she's standing at our door with all her shit packed."

How empty her flat looked without all Saoirse's color in it. How the sheets still smelled like her, no matter how many times Cas washed them.

"I felt like my heart was getting ripped out of my chest," Cas whispered. She could still feel the echo of that pain, not the full brunt of it, but the memory. Cas knew, now, that their relationship had been crumbling for months, that Cas was hastily holding it together with whatever she could while Saoirse already had one foot out the door. But Cas's heart still broke a little for her past self. For all the ways she'd tried to heal herself from something that had torn her apart so completely.

"No wonder you haven't wanted to get close to anyone since."

"I didn't even know how to. Now..." She shook her head. "Now I think it's just easier, you know? Keeping to myself."

Even as she said it, though, there was a quiet whisper in the back of her mind questioning it. Was it easier to keep to herself? Had she ever really been happier this way?

"Or you're just hiding," Ada said gently.

Leave it to Ada to cut right to the heart of things.

"I... yeah," Cas admitted. "I've just always felt like... you know, you can't predict if anyone's going to stay. Even with a commitment. So what's the point in getting attached in the first place?"

The words sounded hollow even to her own ears. But she'd clung to them for years, had believed them wholeheartedly. She'd shaped her entire world around them.

"I get that. But... you've got to take a risk, haven't you? Being vulnerable and really knowing someone..." Ada half shrugged. "There's nothing better than that."

Friday Cas would've said that hundreds of things were better than that. A drink or four, a dance with a stranger, a challenge that got everyone around her laughing.

But there was a reason she wanted to leave that life. Leave that version of herself behind. It was empty, never-ending, chaos in its purest form. She was never able to settle on those nights, couldn't relax, and, god, she wanted that. She wanted to relax. To settle into something.

They were quiet for a beat before Ada whispered, "Can I tell you something?"

"Of course you can."

"My mum left when I was six." Ada's voice was remarkably steady, as if she was stating the plainest fact in the world. "I don't remember much about her, but I remember feeling like she never wanted anything to do with us. Like she was always waiting for me and my brother to go pester someone else."

Ada was quiet for a beat.

"My brother, Alfie, had it worse," Ada finally said. "He was eight when she left, so he remembers her a bit more than I do. To me, it felt that she was someone I imagined rather than my real mum."

"Have you had any contact with her?"

Ada shook her head. "Haven't spoken to her since she left. I've got no idea where she's living now." Ada laughed a little, but there was a hollowness to it. "She could be dead and I wouldn't have a clue."

"Well, that's dark."

Ada shrugged. "It's true. And if she didn't think it was worth sticking around when we were small, I don't see why I'd have to care if she was or wasn't. It doesn't make a difference to me either way."

"No, I know what you mean." Cas gave Ada's hand a gentle squeeze. "My situation definitely isn't the same, but I think I kind of feel similarly about my parents. Kind of feels awful to say it but..." She shrugged.

"It doesn't have to be awful if that's how you feel," Ada said simply. "People spend so much time talking about how, just because someone is related to you by blood, you have to be willing to let them stomp all over you or abandon you or treat you like utter shite and then you always let them back in your life. Blood relation doesn't have anything to do with it. If people are dicks, you don't need to let them take up that space in your life."

"I feel like that's maybe just a queer person thing."

Ada hummed. "Maybe. But honestly, I was so much happier the moment that I finally cracked that with my therapist—like, I don't actually have to stay hung up on my mum. I don't have to wonder what she's doing, I don't have to care about her, I don't have to think that her leaving was some kind of commentary on me, because it wasn't. It was completely about her and how selfish she is, and it's probably for the best that she left."

Ada's words seemed to roll over Cas one at a time, an emotional steamroller, crushing her ribs, her lungs, her heart, pressing each and every spot where Cas had hidden feelings exactly like the ones Ada had articulated.

Deep down, she had always worried it was her. That if she'd been different—more serious, more reserved, more... less—maybe then she wouldn't have been ignored.

Maybe then she would have been enough.

"I spent my whole life running away from things," Cas said quietly. "From the way they made me feel, from how I thought they felt about me... You ran right toward those feelings, and I have no idea how you did it."

"A lot of starts and stops," Ada said. "I spent the whole of my early twenties sorting it out. It wasn't a simple visit to my therapist and I was healed."

Cas chuckled. "No, yeah, I figured. I just... That takes a lot of bravery. I don't know if I have that."

Ada didn't even hesitate. "You have that."

Cas didn't let go of Ada's hand, but instead shifted her grip so that their fingers could slide together. "I hope you're right."

Ada waited a long beat before she looked up, her eyes instantly finding Cas's.

There was something almost heated in her gaze—not quite a full blaze, but the still-smoldering embers of a fire long buried. "I know how brave you are, Cas."

Ada's palm pulsed against her own, emphasizing her words, and Cas felt the pressure run straight through her.

"Thank you," Cas finally said. She'd unfurled herself almost completely tonight. She could see the raw edges of her heart, frayed and dangling in the wind, but it had been terrifyingly easy, giving Ada these pieces of her. She let her thanks linger for a fraction, before flashing a cheeky smile. "Now, we should get to sleep. This might be the only time all summer we get an uninterrupted eight hours."

Ada laughed easily, her hand sliding away from Cas's and tugging the duvet over her shoulders.

Cas watched as Ada snuggled into her pillow, her long red hair falling in pieces over her freckled shoulder. The feeling in her chest was so immense, so intense, that the only hope she had of containing it was closing her eyes and hoping the feeling disintegrated by morning.

@zainisms:brad is FUCKING TOXIC can the #hotsummer producers get him off this show pls????

@ibistorm:ada babes dump brad and get with Leo he's fine

@callumbryant : Brad is SO LUCKY #TheLads and I aren't on this season because this would not fly with us

@aidanshaw : bro absolutely. This man really thinks he can just treat women like that???

@aleenadevlin:he actually should be removed from the show I'm not even kidding

@ jardsgotjokes:... for what? He literally just left the game like?? It's not like he did something ACTUALLY awful

@aleenadevlin:???? He almost slammed into Ada in the villa! That man is a series of walking red flags

@jardsgotjokes:you're just making assumptions about him based on his edit

@aleenadevlin:and you're a fucking clown mate

@cerifrancs:brad sucks ok but more importantly!! Cas and Ada sleeping on the daybed together????

@faisaaaal:brad is irrelevant can we talk about CADA???!!!!!

@lorrylorna:aklsjfd cas and ada look so hot together

@xena_?_:PLS I SHIP IT SO HARD

@faisaaaal:no ok but actually like. Ever since Cas and Ada have been spending all this time together, I'm actually like... liking Cas?????

@airjordyyyn:no but like... Me too???? What's happening

@jackwilliams95:Cas is ONLY likable when she's around Ada

@steffancherry : is public opinion shifting on @casmorgan? How do you feel about Cas now?

? Love her!

? Like her

? Indifferent

? Dislike/hate her

@samera.1:if these two don't get together I SWEAR TO GOD I'll never watch hot summer again