33. Zak

He's gone, and I can't ignore the hole that tore into my heart when he walked out the door.

Suddenly the agony assaulting my lower body isn't nearly as harsh as it was a few minutes ago.

"The medication will take a bit of time to ease the pain," the nurse says as she hooks the IV bag onto the stand.

Yeah, but can any drug they have here ease the unrelenting ache in my heart?

My head pounds. I rub my eyes with the heels of my hands. Maybe this stuff will put me to sleep, so I can just forget everything that happened tonight.

I let out a shuddering sigh and let my eyes close. Mom went down to the cafeteria for some coffee after the doctor examined me, so I lie here alone with my toxic thoughts. And there are too many keeping me from finding any bit of peace.

Because I can't get Matt's face out of my mind.

How sad he looked when I told him it was over for good.

How hopeful he was when he heard that I wasn't paralyzed.

How devastated he looked when he walked out of my room.

I wanted to call him back, to fight against the path my mind knows is right and best for me, the path my heart aches to even think about because it doesn't include Matt.

And I hate myself for it, but I love him. So fucking much.

But damn, it hurts… worse than any other pain I've suffered tonight.

The door creaks open. I turn my throbbing head and crack open an eye.

Mom walks in. Anna is right behind her. She walks into the room cautiously.

What the hell is she doing here?

"I hope this is okay," she says. "I ran into your mom in the cafeteria and wanted to see how you're doing."

I slowly rise up, shifting my weight against my pillow, my mind riddled with questions. "I'd ask how you got back here, but I'm pretty sure the whole staff is starstruck enough to be convinced to let you do anything."

My blood burns.

Anna, Matt.

Wait. Did they come together? Is he still here?

I grit my teeth.

I shouldn't care, dammit! New path, remember?

Something Anna says clicks in my mind. "You ran into my mother? You know each other?"

Mom pats my hand. "We're on the board together. She told me she'd had a really nice conversation with you tonight at the event and wanted to wish you well, so I brought her up. Obviously, nobody stopped me."

They exchange a look and smile. "And there might be another reason why she wanted to speak to you," Mom continues.

The heart rate monitor jumps, the bleeping noise picking up speed.

Mom backs out of the room. "I'm going to give you two some privacy. To talk."

The medication chips away at the pain snaking through my legs. I ease back against the pillows as Anna moves toward the bed and sits in a chair next to me.

What the hell is my mother up to?

"This is a really weird situation," she muses. "So surreal."

"For you and me both." I let out a deep sigh. "I bet you never thought you'd end your night sitting next to me in a hospital emergency wing."

"You're right about that." She takes a sip of her coffee. "And to be honest, I never thought I'd be in a position where I was trying to convince someone to give the guy I'm in love with another chance so they could be together. That's why I'm here. And it's what I told your mom."

And there it is. Mom knew Anna and Matt were "together," and she had the insane thought that he's the guy for me instead, so with that opening, how could she tell Anna no?

If this isn't the most fucked-up game of matchmaker ever, I don't know what is.

"I guess there's no beating around the bush with you, huh?"

"I try to be a good person. And I want good things to happen for other people who deserve them. That's why I'm here." She shrugs. "Matt loves you, and since I love him, I want him to be happy."

"So many other women would be plotting his death right about now, and here you are, trying to protect his heart."

She winks at me. "I'm not ‘so many other women.'"

"No, you're definitely not." My grin fades. "But I think you're wasting your time here. I can't go backward, and I don't see any way forward."

"Look, Zak, there's a guy sitting in the chapel right now because he can't bear to leave you here. He knows that once he leaves, it really and truly is over, and he can't accept that. He's clinging onto the hope that you'll remember all the things you love about him and change your mind."

"Anna, it doesn't matter what I love about him, and believe me, there's plenty. It's the things I can't stand that are the reasons why I can't take him back. Especially since I never really had him in the first place."

She leans forward. "Let me ask you this. How do you feel right now? Floaty, maybe because of the drugs, but I'm talking about your heart."

"You want to know the truth?" My brows knit together, and I clutch the bedsheet in one hand like it's my resolve, slowly seeping out of my body. "It hurts like hell. But you know what hurts worse? Feeling like I'd be a complete na?ve idiot for believing anything he says because I already know how it all will play out."

"He's done a lot of things wrong, for sure." She sits back and crosses her legs. "He told me everything on the way over. And it sucks. I feel for you."

"So, you get why I can't go back. Everything he did, has continued to do… his priorities don't match mine."

She‘s quiet for a minute, toying with the fabric on her gown. Finally, her green eyes lift, focusing on me.

"Matt has been lying to himself for the better part of his life. He told himself leaving home to play football would help his family, so that was his excuse for staying away. But really, he didn't want to face what he was feeling about his parents, especially his mother. His dad is an addict, almost easier to excuse, but his mom? He saw her staying with his dad kind of like an act of betrayal to him and the girls, that she enabled his dad to continue hurting them all, which led to her hurting them. But he'd never admit that. It was easier to leave and convince himself it was to do something good when in fact, it was allowing him to ignore those feelings he didn't know how to process. And if you ask me, he lied to himself when it came to you, too."

"Jesus, are you a shrink in your spare time?" I grumble.

"I read a lot. I never did get to go to college, but I've always loved reading. And I knew that being a good actress meant I needed to get into my characters' heads, so I started reading psychology books and articles to learn how to do it well."

"You'd be my dream girl if I were straight."

She chuckles. "Thanks, I'm flattered. You're a pretty good catch, too."

I tap my fingers on the side of the bed rail. "When I showed up at the event tonight, I had no idea he'd be there. I was so ready to keep a clear head, focus on my future, and figure out the best way to make myself happy. I had a plan. And then, it all went to shit when I saw Matt. And you know how things ended up." I lean over the rail. "But that's how they always go with him. Tonight was no different except I ended up lying in a hospital bed, which is a huge fucking red flag I can't ignore."

"Look, Zak. You have every right to feel the way you do and to tell him to go to hell." She taps the side of her face and cocks it to the side. "Actually, I'm pretty sure you already did that. But if there's any part of you that's not entirely convinced that you want that future alone and without Matt, then think long and hard about what you'd be giving up. Can you get past what happened? Can you be open to a relationship with him?"

God, what I would do to have Matt by my side forever? But he needs to want it, too. And words can't fix what's broken between us. He can't be himself. He won't ever be free. How am I supposed to accept that when I know what I want, and shouting it to the world would be nothing short of amazing?

I shake my head, rubbing my finger against the cotton bedsheet.

"How I feel doesn't matter. It's Matt who can't handle his feelings. He runs at the sign of anything that'll throw a wrench in his perfectly crafted life. That most definitely includes me. If he can't even admit to himself how he feels, how can he convince me that he's worth the risk?"