4. Gravod

"Are you brooding?"

"I don't brood."

Jake snorted. "Sure, you don't."

I shook my head and went back to stocking the bar, turning to scan the bottles. Whiskey was low, I needed to order more.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

Jake was quiet from his seat at the bar behind me. He wouldn't push. I was surprised he'd mentioned it at all. Maybe that was why I opened up a little.

"I know her name. I have her address. And I can't do a fucking thing about it." I looked over my shoulder at him, and he nodded once to acknowledge he'd heard me. He understood.

The bar was empty this time of day. Three o'clock. But it was Friday, so happy hour started early. Soon the other males would stream in, all of them hoping today was the day their mate walked through the door.

I didn't know if it was better or worse that mine already had. She hadn't come back. Being apart from her was making it hard to think or to sleep. To feel anything other than the ache in my chest.

Jake sighed. He was under a lot of pressure to find a mate. We had that in common.

"I don't feel sorry for you, Grav." He took a drink of beer. "You've got hope. I'm losing mine."

"You heard what I told my crew. Patience."

"Yep. It was a good speech. Very inspiring. How long have you been waiting, anyway? I don't know if I've ever asked how old you are."

"In Earth years, I'd be thirty-four."

I hadn't really answered his question, and I turned back to my task, hoping he'd let it go.

Too long.I'd been waiting too long.

From the time I became an adult, nineteen in Earth years, I'd started to suspect my mate wasn't on Vytaris. There were registries, tests, matching events. By that age, most Lydaxians who had a mate were already paired.

For a while, I'd been in denial. I shrugged off every inconclusive result, every rejection by a pleasant-smelling female. As a Lydaxian male, my strength and…attributes meant I was adept at providing both sexual satisfaction and physical security. I would find my mate eventually. But it didn't happen.

I watched as my friends found their mates. Saw their happiness and contentment after bonding. Felt my chance for the same slipping farther away. Until, one day, it was official. I was one of the unfortunate few who would never find a mate.

A xa'xan. An outcast. Unwanted.

The reality I faced was stark. Any relationships I had would either be casual or temporary. I would never have offspring. At least being in the military allowed me to travel, a distraction. For a time. But a piece of me was missing. I was incomplete. As a xa'xan, I always would be.

When the scientists had called me in and explained their theory, that human females were potential mates, I allowed myself to hope for the first time in years. And when I saw the images of human females… I knew. There was nothing I wouldn't do to get to Earth, to try.

Every one of my crew felt the same. Not a single eligible xa'xan declined to come on the voyage. Some of them had never been aboard a ship, but they'd learned quickly. Now we were all like brothers.

But we still had so many unanswered questions. Would human females accept a mate bond? Would it work the same way, with the same connection that Lydaxians felt? For us, it was a linking of emotions. Of souls.

There were no failed mate bonds on Vytaris, but we didn't know if the same would be true with a human. What if we had to maintain our false identities and our shifted forms? How could a bond truly succeed with so many lies between mates?

Regardless of all the uncertainty, Jake was right. I had hope now, when I hadn't before. I'd waited this long, I could suffer through a little longer. A mate bond wasn't assured, but it was more possible than it had ever been, and I was grateful.

Jake seemed willing to change the subject. Sort of.

"Remember the bears I mentioned? A few of them are coming tonight. I'll introduce you. Hal is a nice guy, I think you'll like him."

"All of them are looking for mates too?" I poured a sparkling water and cut a wedge of lime for the rim, then handed it to Jake.

He took it with a nod. "Thanks, gotta pace myself. Yeah, all shifters have superstitions about finding mates. This place feels lucky."

"That's what we thought." It wasn't scientific, just a hunch. But something about this place felt right.

The door opened, and my nostrils flared, hunting for my mate's sweet scent. But it was only Mathol, one of my crew. My lungs deflated, the ache of disappointment adding to the physical discomfort of being away from my mate. Like a crater in the middle of my heart.

Mathol saluted, and I nodded in greeting, hiding my emotions away.

I could keep waiting. It had been six days.

She had to return eventually.