5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

I spend half the night drafting a plan to help Finn remember our senior year of high school. I wasn't lying when I said I wasn't trying to trick him, but I hope one memory remains lost: why he kissed me and then ghosted.

Well, not literally because the accident came later, but he never called me after graduation. It's like I never existed.

Thankfully, I have all my old diaries with references to that period, complete with when Finn and I were assigned to do a history project together. We spent afternoons in the library researching which resulted in meeting at the beach, going to the drive-in, and spending our spare time together.

There are pages and pages of me pining. Then the thrill when we were both cast in the play Grease, the senior year drama department tradition.

I wrote about that time under the trellis—a highlight—and prom, which turned out to be a lowlight.

When I flip to the part about graduation day, during those seconds when we tossed our caps into the sky, I slam closed my diary.

What happened next was wonderful. But what followed devastated me and not just because the police came to my grad party.

The next day, fully booked at the boutique, I close promptly at three. Often, I'll make an exception if a bride-to-be is indecisive, but I shooed everyone out on the hour.

I rush home and change, putting on a blue and white vertical striped sundress with a tie around the waist. It's casual and cute. Instead of Aunt Valerina-style high-heeled sandals, I slip on a flat pair with little daisies on the insole. Because Shelly and I promised to keep each other accountable to our hot girl summer goals, I snap a photo and text it.

After we had our Lonely Hearts Club meeting, I found out about the friends of the library vigil, protesting the proposed Imperial resort property which includes half of the main street in Palisade Shores. The plan was to stay up all night, but then I saw Finn.

Acting on impulse, I whisked him to safety. Do I regret it? I'll let you know if I fail at saving our town.

As I drive past the shop on my way to the high school, I cannot imagine a massive resort replacing this big block all the way to the bluff. However, I can conceive Iver Barton and his business doing something diabolical. I'm well aware my parents weren't innocent, however, his exposing them was intended to remove the competition, and it worked. They claim they learned the finance techniques from him, but his lawyers denied it.

When I pull into the senior parking lot, it's uncharacteristically empty with school out for the summer. I'm right on time, but as the minutes pass, Finn is late.

Fifteen minutes go by. I consider leaving when a Porsche rolls up. I snort because my parents gave me a pink Boxster when I got my driver's permit. The custom license plate said Beas Buggy . Now I have Aunt Valerina's old aqua Corsair.

Finn scrubs his hand through his thick, dark hair, takes a deep breath, and then exits the vehicle as if he's bracing himself for something. Then his gaze lands on me and he visibly relaxes, his chest dropping with a long exhale.

I sense a tease of his secret smolder but don't want to get my hopes up. After we exchange a casual greeting, I say, "First stop: Palisade Shores High School. Let me know if anything about this is familiar."

"I already came back as part of my therapy." Finn shares the specific period of the gap in his memory and how he's visited a lot of places to help restore it. "I sometimes feel like one of those handheld wooden maze games with the metal ball. Like if I just angle myself the right way, the memories will appear."

Old me would've wrinkled my nose, not wanting to think about the hard realities people face. New me wants to give him a comforting hug. I don't imagine Iver Barton embracing his son and would bet Valerina's favorite samba shoes that Finn wouldn't want Fifi to wrap her arms around him.

As we walk the familiar path toward the main front doors at the back of the U-shaped entrance called the quad, I fall into my usual nervous ramble like Finn is touring Palisade High as a prospective student we'd be lucky to have. The look I get when I point out the water bottle refill station is the kind you'd give an adorable puppy. That's better than the steely and standoffish gaze from yesterday.

"Coming here is an obvious stop, but we'll also visit the library, see a play, go to the beach, the Prism Point Resort where they hosted prom..." I leave off the part about how my family used to own it.

"I've been to most of those places already."

Passing the announcements bulletin board, I bite my lip. "Yes, but there are some things that, um, only I'd know."

His head turns in my direction as his pace slows and he wags his finger between us. "Were we?—?"

Drawing a deep breath, I say, "That question bumps up against my integrity like a shark nosing a boat. Remember last night when I said, ‘You look a lot like the cause of all my problems and the road back to the lifestyle I once knew?' I could certainly say yes we were boyfriend and girlfriend. But that would be a lie. We were, well, I'm not sure what."

"Did you want to be boyfriend and girlfriend?"

Heat that has nothing to do with the sun overhead blazes across my cheeks as we pass through the open-air quad. "Yes, very much."

"Did I?" He stares at me intently.

"I'm not sure." My pulse races ahead of me.

"Tell me more." Finn's confident and curious tone confirms that I'm doing the right thing.

"How about I show you?" I pull open the heavy metal door and enter the building.

The scent of pine cleaner mixed with bleach, battling with cafeteria food and sweaty athletic gear wafts my way. "Smells the same."

"I'm trying to associate each odor with a memory..." By the disappointment on Finn's face, they don't slide into place.

I introduce him to Mrs. Webber, the secretary. She remembers us both. When she laughs at a reminiscence of the senior prank involving everyone wearing dinosaur costumes for the day, Finn plays along instead of confessing he has no recollection of the event.

It was fun, and that's just what we had back then and just what he needs in his life now.

When we're out of earshot, I sling my arm through his and drag us down the hall at a light run, laughing because there aren't any hall proctors to warn us to walk.

I tell Finn, "You danced with Mrs. Webber in the hallway in your inflatable T-Rex suit. She had no idea it was you."

"And us? Did we dance?" he asks, eyes sparking.

"Not that day. I was a pterodactyl. No arms." I flap in a circle and then laugh at myself because no way would I be caught dead being silly when I was a student here. I played the aloof snob.

Finn joins me, making Tyrannosaurus arms and doing a dinosaur dance, filling the otherwise empty hallway. Then he says, "Even though none of this jogs my memory, it fills me up in a way that none of my other attempts to jostle loose recognition of the past have done."

"Happy to help."

We loop through the halls, and all the while, I point out unique things Finn's father wouldn't have known were significant when they visited. I've gathered that he was on the outskirts of Finn's life much like my parents.

We arrive at Room 302B Finn reads the name on the sign. "Mrs. Wessburg."

"Formerly Mr. Cesar's history class that led to the library research, kicking off the whole senior year Finn-Bea story."

Finn shakes his head likely lamenting that doesn't ring a bell, but I don't give up hope.

"This is the history classroom where Mr. Cesar paired us up for the Sir Frances Drake assignment."

"How'd we do?"

"We became friends, which I realize now is more important than a grade."

"Were you a brainiac?"

"We both were in that cool, rich kid kind of way with the help of tutors. But for the Golden Hind and its captain, we did our own work, which leads us to our next stop, the library."

When we pass the school library without stopping, Finn must realize I mean our research led us to the town library.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

I pause in the hallway where all the seniors lined up before we marched across the football field to our metal folding chairs. My voice is soft when I say, "Principal Houston tried to control the cluster of chaos, resulting from trying to line up all the seniors in alphabetical order as we balanced on the edge of receiving our diplomas on graduation day, which meant one thing. Freedom. You appeared and inserted yourself between Miguel Flores and me. Said we were going to conquer the world together."

"Did we hold hands?"

I nod. It's only then that I realize that although I jumped into this endeavor with both feet, the outcome scares me. Finn may also remember what he didn't like about me. Whatever it was that made him ditch me after we finally kissed.

"Even though there are plenty of things that I'd like to forget, I cannot imagine what it's like to have a big blank spot in my memory. So, when you asked whether going to the library is a good idea, it's not a matter of it being good or bad. More like essential and I don't say that because there's a lot on the line for me and the boutique."

We're quiet as we return to our respective cars. I was going to suggest we ride together so he doesn't bail, but I think we both need a moment to collect ourselves. He's missing six years of his life, yet I cannot deny that he's been very much present in mine.

I roll down the window and say, "Meet me in the history section of the library. Upper floor in the back."

"Should I bring armed security?"

"No, but wear this." I toss him a Palisade Shores High School baseball hat. I found it in my box of memories.

He smooths his hand along the brim, looking intently at the school logo with the blue whale mascot in the background, then slides it on. "Perfect fit."

"That's because it was yours. Though you were on the water polo team."

Finn's expression dims as if he's been groping around in the dark for a connection, but comes up empty.

The idea of losing parts of my memories, my past, which for better or worse makes up so much of who I am now, makes me feel jumbled. I want nothing more than to give it back to him. But all I have are our shared memories. The problem is, we didn't have a happy ending. I'm afraid that when he learns that, he'll figure out why and leave all over again.