The Cat Knows This Is Big

His voice is a ragged whisper as he sups at my lips, each kiss a little longer and a little more intense than the one before. The sensations his hands on the feather cause make my hips rock against his. I groan as all the feelings and emotions inside me—all the hidden fears and thoughts and love—funnel out into our embrace, making me cling to him tightly.

I can't say everything I need to say because I can't feel everything I feel. It's not okay to betray everyone for these feelings or to lie to him about what he's done to me. But I am and there's nothing I can do about it—he's hooked me. Maybe it was because I'm hurt and vulnerable; maybe it was because I've always wanted him.

Maybe it's just him.

Pushing my hair out of my face, he murmurs against my lips in a ragged voice, "I need you." His hands caress the skin under my shirt before gathering it and lifting it up. "I want you." He waits while I raise my arms, dropping a licking kiss to the underside of a nearby appendage. "I love you."

Oh, lord. This feels so serious.

My heart flutters and I look up from under my lashes, feeling his hands roam over me. I'm naked from the waist up, which means he can genuinely appreciate his mark on me. He leans forward to run his tongue over the eye of the feather, right over my heart. I can feel it in my toes—that tattoo is hellaciously potent.

"I want to bury myself in you, baby, and feel you squeeze me."

Then there's that mouth. I draw in a shuddering breath as he kisses the mark, my hips jerking automatically. I swallow hard. "I want you so much. I love you," I whimper, surprised at the fierceness of the emotions flowing through me. My fingers slide down his chest, blunt nails scratching as I try to keep my world from tilting off its axis.

He sucks in a breath as my nails tease him, then he lunges from the couch. Wrapping an arm around my back to hold me tightly, he moves with clone speed. His mouth sears mine as we slam up against the wall, and he cups my ass in his hands. "Naked. Now."

I nod, my breath catching as I fumble with my pants. Pushing and kicking at them as best I can, I growl. When I'm finally free, I lift my legs, wrapping them around his waist to wriggle against him. His groan makes me feel supremely feminine. A muscular arm lifts me higher so he can reach his buckle and zipper. It takes some doing, but he gets his pants undone and down, stepping out of them quickly.

"Gotta love that clone dexterity," I mutter, and he grimaces as our bodies press intimately. Turning with his back to the wall and he leans into it, settling me firmly on his hips.

I'm not sure I can wait much longer.

"Christ, you feel good."

I hiss, scratching along his shoulders as he moves against me. My whole body clamors for him so hungrily that it's overwhelming. I gaze into his eyes, squeezing my thighs around his hips and moving more insistently. I can feel the beast uncoiling and I'm ready to stop thinking.

He moans, his eyes closing as he tightens his grip on me. Nipping and sucking at my throat, his free hand cups a breast and he opens his eyes to mine. Our bodies align, almost joined, but his pause seems important. I look at him, my pulse racing in fear. As we gaze into each other's eyes, my name—my actual name—is a growl on his lips before he thrusts into me. Flexing a hand on my hip to push me down onto him, he moans against my ear. "Bloody… God, don't move—not yet."

I tense up, trying to fight the natural instincts to move and bend and purr and howl. He pushes off the wall and staggers to the couch, dropping us onto it in a way that makes my inner wild side slam against the bars in a rage. She wants out, and she wants it now. Until a few months ago, sex had never been so complex. It was never a fight for survival and dominance over me.

Until a few weeks ago, I wasn't having sex with Taurus.

All she wants is what she believes is rightfully hers. I keep fighting inside as the need courses through my veins like hot lava. My hands shake a little as I hold on to his shoulders, throbbing as he fills me. Licking my lips, I take purposefully even breaths, biting my lip to hold myself together. "It's so... I feel..."

His hands dance up my abdomen, kneading my breasts, pulling at my nipples, scratching and rubbing along his mark on me. Even he seems to struggle mightily for control. Spearing me with golden eyes, he growls low. "It feels good together."

Fingertips skating over the new mark make me tremble. "Love this," I murmur, hips wriggling impatiently.

"God, yes." His hips thrust again, and he moans as I grind against him, eliciting a shiver that I can feel run down his frame. "I know," he growls as his hips buck faster and harder "… you don't have your spurs tonight, love," his fangs lower and he drags them across my feather almost snapping my control right there "... but I'll whicker for you, if you ride me at a gallop."

I growl low at his words, feeling the burn of the beast clawing her way out. As amazing as this is, I don't know how much time I have left before the struggle becomes a losing battle. Raking my claws down his chest, my eyes flash as my spine rolls fluidly, bending unnaturally as my movements speed up.

His eyes widen in surprise, and a choked roar rips from his throat. "Christ." He stops to kiss me with brutal force, then tears his mouth off mine to stare into my eyes. His eyes gleam hotly and his earring flashes in the soft glow from the lamp. "I. Love. You." Cupping my face in his hands, his hips rock against me hard and fast, repeating himself as we move in unison.

I suck in harsh pants, my body gripping him tightly in every downstroke. My eyes swirl with color when my head falls back. I let my lower body do all the work as I raise and lower over him roughly. My nails scratch over his abs, leaving bright red raised furrows on the sculpted muscles. I reply to every chanted profession in the deep, rough voice of my primal side.

This is ruining me and I have no intention of stopping it.

A keening cry escapes from his chest as he loses control, his grinding thrusts reaching a fever pitch. His head falls back as he roars my name when he explodes. I shriek as my orgasm rips through me like a wildfire, searing my insides. Whimpering and moaning his name, my eyes roll back in my head while I shudder from head to toe.

Taurus strokes the eye of the feather with one hand, a satiated and sloppy grin on his face as I tremble. His touch softens, then finally falls away entirely when I finally collapse against him. Eyes closed, he runs a spent arm up and down my spine lazily. "I have to tell you, love. This may be the shortest relationship a clone ever had, because I think you killed me."

I rub my face on his shoulder, purring softly as he strokes me. "Mmm... now I gotta bring you back or something," I mumble raspily. "I don't think I'd like you dead very much."

His chuckle is gravelly. "Oh, I don't know. I'd probably be easier to put up with that way. The sex would undoubtedly go downhill, though."

"Less mouthy," I ponder, "but that could be a drawback, too." I chuckle at his expression and qualify. "However, you're not that hard to put up with now."

He quirks a brow and rubs his chin over my cheek. "You're only saying that because I make you scream."

Ha. If only he knew what hard to put up with means. Christ, it's hard having a secret shame to remind you of your failures.

I give him a small grin, hoping to chase away the dark with a little lighthearted banter. "True. But you're good for other stuff, too." I'm sprawled so comfortably on his lap that I never want to move.

"Blasphemy," he teases. "I am not."

"You are, too, you big blowhard." I chuckle softly. Tweaking his nipple playfully, I feel cozy and warm again.

He looks thoughtful. "Actually, I think I'll stick around. I'm not ready to kick it yet. Though, if you ever fuck me like that again, it may not be up to me."

"I was only doing what you said."

He laughs and rolls his eyes. "Oh sure, the one time you listen to me and it gives me cardiac arrest."

Giggling, I poke his chest. "Be careful what you wish for, Mr. Weak Heart."

Clutching his chest dramatically, he moans. "Death by sperm donation. Hell of an obituary."

I snort. "Yet another thing I'd never live down."

His brow arches. "Bloody hell, that would sure twist a lot of knickers, wouldn't it? People pointing and whispering. ‘She's the one that offed that Taurus git. Fucked him to his happies and popped his ticker. Can you believe it?' You'd be a gossip sensation."

I roll my eyes. "Man, the crazies would line up at the damned door. I'd never be able to sleep again."

"I'd wager one or two would spring for a medal."

"Oh, wait. That already happens." His snark makes me smile and I shrug. "Possibly."

Giving me a stern look, he muses. "The golden goddess may take some issue with it, though."

"I think she'd definitely take issue with me—a pointy one. It's a good thing you survived, I suppose."

Eyes alight with fondness, he chuckles. "I suppose." He flops sideways on the couch, pulling me with him.

I curl around him, purring softly because I know it makes him melty.

He gives me a smirk and murmurs, "You know, you've already totally mushed out on me about everything else: falling for me, wearing my mark. Would one teeny tiny little ‘hunk of burning clone, yeah, baby' really kill you?"

"Yes. It will kill me dead." I grin.

He grumbles good-naturedly. "Yeah, well, can't have that. It'd break my heart. You know, if I had one."

I roll my eyes and pinch his rear. "Don't be silly. You know you have a heart."

"Shhhhh. Bloody hell, woman, I have a reputation to uphold here." He winks and kisses my nose.

"Cause soooooooooo many people can hear us here."

"Fine, if the walls don't have ears, then I'm officially changing my name to Adonis. You can call me Don."

"If you think I'm calling you the blond Adonis, you are nuts, buster. Your ego is massive enough as it is."

"Oh, come on. I don't get ‘hunk of burning clone.' You're killing me."

"Mmm. So sad."

"Now I don't get blonde Adonis? How bloody fair is that?"

"Your life is so unfair." I giggle and smirk at him.

"Don't you giggle at me, missy. You're one step away."

"One step from what? You're naked and not very threatening."

"From going over my lap for a spanking, which I can do as I am, minx!"

I pretend to gasp for effect, hoping that some trick of my mind doesn't flash me back to bad things if we're headed for this kind of play. I've been okay with others, but it would be now that I'd have some PTSD-like meltdown, wouldn't it? Ruined things are a specialty of mine of late. "Oh no! Not that!"

"That's it." He laughs, grabs me and sits up, draping me across his lap and swatting my bare ass once as if warning me. "Do you take it back?"

Okay. Good so far. Fun, but no freak out."Hey! And... no."

He rubs his hand over my light red skin, then swats me again, harder this time. "Take it back."

"No." My grin is impish, but I can see and feel where this is going. If we stay playful, I think I'm okay. I can't let anything too serious or too emotional slide in or we'll have problems.

"Take it back," he growls low and I chuckle throatily.

This has possibilities.

We're completely wiped. It's late, and I don't have to be home soon. No one's waiting, but I don't make a point of that because Talia is waiting for him.

It's a pisser, but I can lie here after he goes, soak in his scent, and pretend, right?

I am the most fucked up, sad, broken toy in the box. If anyone knew how royally buggered my headspace has become, they'd all run. My firmest foundations are shaken, my strongest beliefs challenged, and all the while, I'm trying like hell to survive what amounts to emotional rendition from someone I love. My brow furrows, and I'm glad that he can't see my face when I'm lying on his chest.

The turmoil inside of me must be written all over it.

His voice interrupts my dark thoughts. "Want to use me as a very manly pillow, love?"

I blink. How do I answer that without becoming the Blonde Backbiter? I paste a smile on my face and curl closer, buying a little time to dig through my neuroses. "Mmm. Sounds good to me." I purr softly, distracting him from the small spots of tension in my frame as I wonder what exactly this means.

"Hey. Wait a bloody second—I've been had."

Holy hell. Who told him what? Did someone tattle on something I wasn't ready to share yet? Did I say something? Christ. I have to play it cool."I mean, yeah, twice. Wasn"t that the point?"

He narrows his eyes and glares at me. "No," he frowns. "Yes. No." Shaking his head, he takes a deep breath, presumably to calm himself. "The point is, you said I"m like every other clone out there—or person out there, not sure really, as I"m still fuzzy. You were supposed to get punished."

"I said you had the same fetish as every other male. I don't know how much it counts, given what we were doing when I was taunting you."

Looking like he's fighting a yawn and losing the battle with being indignant, he sighs. "You"re right, love. I"m like everyone else; you win."

No shit on that one, buddy. I'm wondering when every surprise topic will stop making me feel like I'm tap-dancing on a minefield. Am I ever going to share it all with him? Is it ever not going to feel precarious? I don't know. We have some serious fundamental differences in what is acceptable and not. The only people I've ever truly given everything to are my mates, and that also has not worked out for me. I don't know how eager I am to open that door again. "It"s no fun if you agree."

He presses a gentle kiss on my forehead. "Recap the evening, love. I"ve been fucked, conversed with intelligently and saucily, fucked again, and it"s after three am. I"m too bloody pleased with myself and you to be contrary." He arches a brow as he looks down at me. "Besides, I"m one of the few people on the planet who knows what an amazing a person you are, so forgive me if I"m secure in myself enough to say that I"m not like everyone else. I"m luckier."

Ouch. That one got me right in the ticker.

While it's not unpleasant or hurtful, it's enough emotion to be scary and makes me a little sad at the same time. He wouldn't feel so lucky if I bared it all. He'd run like I had set him on fire and I'd be alone again. Not literally, but between the shared pain of me and my primary, we're marooned on an island with no visible way off. There are too many spider webs holding us in place. It's a prison of our own making.

Okay, that's too serious again.

"Point taken, smooth talker." I look up, my eyes sparkling.

"I did really enjoy that spanking."

Shit. We're skating on thin ice. The SM I was into with Alistair was only okay because he prefers being on the bottom—no flashback triggers there. "You would."

"I don"t recall you complaining, either."

I chuckle. "You"re right." This time.

He mutters to himself, scratching his chest idly. "Remind me tomorrow to chisel in stone that you said that, kitty. I don"t know about you, but I"m wiped."

"Me, too," I yawn, preparing myself for when he's gone. It feels empty and alone. I'm such a sad sack about all this. I could paint my face up and write an emo song.

"Are you going to get some sleep?"

I nod. "For sure."

"God, I don"t want to move. Maybe I"ll crash here for tonight."

He can't see my expression and hopefully he hasn't noticed that I'm not breathing. Stay here? He always goes home. I'm second and that's what I signed up for. Sleeping here is intimate. I swallow hard and whisper, "It definitely wouldn"t bother me. You make a good manly pillow."

Keep cool. Keep being casual, like it's no big deal. You fill beds with ten plus people and not all of them are special that way, right? It's become a status symbol to sleep in the enormous bed. How can sleeping together for four hours be special?

You're over-reacting, Deli. Calm yourself.

Closing his eyes, he tightens his hold on me and I try to relax more against him. "Maybe for a little while. I love you, kitty."

My voice is whisper soft as I reply. "I love you, too, baby." I smile sleepily, drifting already as I snuggle into his arms.

He reaches over the back of the couch and blindly gropes for a light blanket to pull over our naked bodies. I fall asleep not long after, the long day forcing my troubled mind into submission as I shut down.

Tomorrow may hold more answers.