Chapter 34: Killian

Killian wasn't usuallythe type to brag but he couldn't help but want to give himself a pat on the back. That challenge, regrettably, wasn't for him but he could still name every single one of those answers for Maia. It was small and insignificant, yes. Something the production team likely cooked up to make this show feel more like actual dating rather than just throwing a bunch of half-naked people together to see who stuck. It wasn't truly a measure of compatibility or effort or interest.

That's what he told himself, at least.

Because, while he could name everything about Maia, he wasn't exactly feeling confident about her ability to do the same for him.

And he couldn't be upset with her over it, either. She'd said from nearly the start that she only wanted to be friends with him. What good did it do her to know how many children Killian wanted in the future? Two. What turned him on? Her.

They'd spent countless hours together inside this manor and what did they actually have to show for it? Killian knew what he had and it was an aching heart and the memory of the best sexual experience of his life. Could Maia say the same?

Maybe, after the other night, things would be different. She hadn't treated him any differently in front of the others but, now that they were together again, she could lean in. She would let him show her affection and perhaps she would show it back. Slowly, he might be able to coax her out of her fear and encourage her to really give them a try.

That took time, though.

Time Killian didn't exactly have.

When they shuffled into their once-again-shared suite, Maia fell backwards onto the bed, starfishing.

"Well, here we are again," she said.

He stood in the doorway, nervous now about entering into this all again. "Here we are," he echoed.

She sat up on her elbows at his tone. It reminded him to move. He set about unbuttoning his shirt and hanging it up in the wardrobe, next to all the shirts they'd transferred over from his room with Eloise. He could feel her watching him.

"I can't lie," she mused, finally breaking the silence, "it'll be nice to not have to worry about Maxon copping a feel all night."

Ignoring his own uncertainty, he grinned at her like he was supposed to. "I solemnly swear to keep my hands to myself."

Maia met his grin with her own smirk and rose from the bed. She walked to him, nudging the straps of her dress down her arms. "I don't know about all that." The garment slipped and left her in only her bra and panties. "I much prefer your hands to his."

It shouldn't have affected him. He'd seen her, day in and day out, in bikinis more suggestive than her underwear was. He'd also seen her stark-fucking-naked. If he really assessed it, he might realize that he just really liked the suggestion of it all. The clear-cut indication that she wanted him and she was prepared to initiate.

It was a step in the right direction.

Close to what he'd asked of her when he'd been inside her the first time.

Killian swallowed. "I always keep my promises."

"Do you want me to keep my hands to myself?"

She punctuated her question by unhooking her bra and letting it fall to the floor between them. Killian couldn't say he'd ever been particularly partial to one feature over another but he was enamored by Maia's tits.

"Not particularly," he managed to choke out.

"Good." She dropped to her knees and let her hands tease up his thighs. "Because I've been thinking that it's my turn for a taste."

If he'd been in the right state of mind, he'd hold her hair back for her—that's what he was supposed to do, right? If a lady wanted to choke herself on your cock, you held her hair back. It was just good practice. But he had promised to keep his hands to himself and he kinda just wanted to see what she would do.

"It won't taste as good as you do, honey," he warned.

"You're sweet enough. I don't need you to be sweet here, too."

His zipper was down and he was flopping out into her hand. He tried to not let his ego inflate when she winced a little at the size. The sight of her delicate, blue-tipped fingers wrapped around him was doing his head in, though. Yet, if he really wanted to lose his mind, he just had to wait until Maia leaned forward and ran her tongue right over his tip. He just had to wait until she wrapped her lips around the head and sucked.

He didn't know what he'd do when it was down her throat.

What he did, in actuality, was nearly blow his load. It took every ounce of his will and his self-control to last more than thirty seconds. And the way Maia winked up at him, the first droplets of tears in the corners of her eyes, she knew exactly how close he was.

Because he knew she wasn't, Killian said, "Such a sweet little thing, down on your knees for me."

His next words were so, so stupid.

"You only get on your knees for me, huh? You only suck the cocks of the guys who aren't casual, don't you, honey?"

Maia released him with a pop, her eyes narrowing on him from her position on the floor. He really couldn't have held his tongue until she was done? Maybe it was better to do it all now, though, before he got another orgasm in.

She wiped the back of her hand over her mouth. "Blowing you isn't a marriage proposal, Todd."

He snorted. Clearly. Still he asked, "What is it, then?"

She didn't seem to know the answer to that question, which showed just a little bit of promise. But then she said, "Returning the favor."

He blinked.

Was she joking?

She had to be. Right?

Killian stepped back, tucking himself back into his still-unzipped pants. "I'm not really in the business of exchanging favors here, Maia."

He'd thought putting his dick away would be a clear indication that she could go ahead and cover herself, too, but Maia didn't bother. She just looked at him, fully on display, and scowled.

"Isn't that what you do with people you like? You give them an orgasm and hope they give you one, too?"

"I don't know." His building anger made it impossible not to challenge her. "What do you do when you like someone?"

"It's…it's never really happened before."

"Bullshit," he said with a harsh laugh. "Lie to yourself all you want, Maia, but try not to lie to me."

She stood. "What? You think it's so unrealistic that I've never done this before?"

"No," he corrected. "I just don't believe you've never had feelings for anyone before. I guarantee you have—you're just too fucking scared to do anything about it."

"Excuse me?"

"Let's not play dumb with each other, okay? You've seen people go through bad breakups or divorce or whatever and you've decided to never let yourself be in that position."

She still didn't cover herself, which, maybe, was for the best. If she argued naked, maybe they wouldn't air all her dirty laundry. Unfortunately, Killian needed to. It was the only way to get past this.

"Why is it so wrong to not want to ruin my life?" she demanded.

"Because you're not living it, either! You don't know what it's like to have someone on your team so fucking completely that you feel invincible. You don't know what it's like to come home to comfort and safety. You don't know what it's like to be known. And what kind of fucking existence is that?" He couldn't tell if he was losing or gaining steam but he kept going. "If you've only ever had your walls up, you've never actually been free."

Her arms twitched like she might want to cross them. They stayed at her sides. "Why do you care if I've never been free? You're attracted to me, obviously, but why aren't you jumping ship? I haven't given you any reason to stick around?"

"Because I'm not scared like you are."

He said it and he knew that it was true. All the signs kept pointing to this ending poorly for him but he wouldn't feel true to himself if he didn't see it through. He wouldn't deny himself the future he saw with her because he was scared she might not feel the same. He wasn't interested in self-sabotage.

Well, he didn't think he was. His efforts with Maia might say otherwise.

But at least he'd tried.

Feeling his point was unfinished, Killian added, "Loving you doesn't scare me. And neither does losing you. Because I'll know there was nothing I could have changed. And I'll know that, despite everything, you could have loved me, too."

She didn't say anything else. Only walked calmly to the wardrobe to grab one of her t-shirts.

So because Killian couldn't shut up, he said, "And all that shit about love? I deserve that, too."

Maia only shut herself in the bathroom, leaving Killian to stand about in their suite like an idiot who'd just poured his heart out to a wall. He couldn't figure out where this left him at the end of the day. It was starting to get a little humiliating, all this hope he'd accumulated for the two of them. All the feelings he convinced himself she felt. He'd never been wrong about feelings before but he supposed feelings didn't always translate into a future.

Every organ in his chest begged him to keep trying. To see this through. To keep fighting for her because she'd never had anyone do it before.

The organ in his head, though, was starting to turn the page. There was probably another chapter or two to go but he couldn't help but feel like turning the page on this would just put the story to an end.

Maybe those romances weren't realistic but Killian wanted them so badly.

When Maia emerged from the bathroom, she was dressed again and avoiding eye contact with him. Why? Was it because something he'd said had gotten to her? Or was it because she didn't want to give him what he wanted and she was too kind to rub that in his face?

He shouldn't be putting that much stock into it. Whatever she'd do, she'd do. He had no say in it.

He wondered if any of the couples he'd encountered over the years had gone through this. If any of them felt like they were playing tug of war with their partner. If any of their honeymoons had resulted in post-blowjob fights.

Maybe Killian didn't know as much about love as he liked to believe.

The overhead lights were already off by the time he managed to drag himself into their bed. Maia was already there, already tucked under the duvet. He counted it as a small win that she wasn't sequestered to the very edge of the mattress and that she wasn't curled up on herself, facing away from him. No, she was squarely in the middle of her side. On her back. Staring up at the ceiling and not shifting her gaze when the bed dipped under Killian's weight.

Her stillness had him second-guessing the confrontation. Had he been too hard on her? He didn't think he was wrong about her fear… Was it insensitive to bring it up like he had?

Could manage an apology? No, but he couldn't shake the feeling that he should say something. He wasn't exactly proud of what he settled on but it was the best he could do.

"I don't regret choosing you," he told her. "I just wish it could have been you choosing me."