54. MATTHEWS

MATTHEWS

T here was a knock on the door of the Nest as I shoved the rest of my clothes into my suitcase for the airport. I’d have the rest of my equipment shipped back.

“Clementine.” Ryan’s voice made me pause, and I turned to find him standing in a sweater and jeans in the door frame.

“What can I do for you, Mr. Cody?” I asked him, turning completely and crossing my arms over my chest.

Even seeing him made my heart hurt. I’d missed Cael the second I crawled from bed, my heart screaming at me as I got dressed and let Ella drive me back into the city.

Ryan had the same boy-next-door features. The curved jaw, sloped nose, high cheekbones, and big, bright eyes. I used to swoon over the photos in Mrs. Cody’s living room of Ryan when he was young, but now, remembering those and having him standing here, I couldn’t breathe.

“Do you love him?”

Déjà vu.

“I’ve loved Cael from the moment I figured out how to love.” I don’t hesitate.

Ryan smiled with a soft nod. “I was asking about the other guy.”

“Of course you were.” I sighed and sat down on my bed, completely defeated.

He entered the room and grabbed the chair from the desk, spinning it around and sitting on it in front of me.

“I need you to understand that everything I’ve done up to this point in Cael’s life has been to protect him. ”

My brows raised in question. From everything I’ve heard, their relationship was tense at best, and Ryan floated in and out of the picture without caring about who Cael was or what he did outside of baseball.

“Rae and I.” He offered me a sad smile when he mentioned Lorraine’s nickname. “We fell in love at a young age, and it dictated my entire life,” he explained. “I don’t regret a second of it, but I wanted Cael to make his own decisions.”

“And he couldn’t, not with me around.”

I was starting to understand where the conversation was headed.

“He wouldn’t . I tried repeatedly, but every decision he made, he did so with you in mind. He never chose himself, Clementine.” Ryan said. “I knew that leaving Texas wouldn’t be enough space. I knew that no matter where he was, he would always find his way back to you, for better or for worse.”

I pressed my lips into a thin line as the puzzle pieces came together.

It had all started with the bird. The miscommunication hadn’t been our fault.

Ryan had shoved the wedge between us.

“I knew it the moment he sacrificed his sleep and food to keep that bird alive for you.” The confirmation was deafening. I pushed off the bed and stepped back from Ryan until my back was pressed against the dresser, and there still wasn’t enough space. “You were both in too deep after–”

“Don’t.” I stared at him. I didn’t want to talk about that day.

“He was glued to you, Clementine. He would have followed you no matter where you went, and you needed space from each other.”

Shock clawed at my throat. Realization heavily weighted against my chest.

“Was my Momma in on it?” I asked him. “Did she have the same views on the situation? Did she not want us together?”

“No, she had nothing to do with this. If anything, that woman believed in true love more than anyone I’ve ever met.” Ryan shook his head. “She hated that you were pulled apart.”

“But you thought it was for our own good?” I furrowed my brows at him in anger.

“It was. Look at you, Clementine! You’re a journalist, you did it. You’re so intelligent and sassy. There are tiny pieces of not only your own mother but Lorraine in you and I’ve never been so grateful for your time here… I’m proud of you.” Ryan didn’t move from his chair. "You thrived without him. No longer following him around like a puppy, you found yourself, and you wouldn’t have done that waiting by the phone for him to call, and we both know it.”

“You don’t get to decide our fate!” I raised my voice. “You should be proud of him. ”

“I–” He paused with a curt nod, wanting to argue but something stopped him. “That’s why I’m here,” Ryan said, digging out something from his sweater pocket. It was a stack of letters in all assortments of colors. “He wrote to you once a week, every day. For seven years, Clementine. This is only a portion of them. The rest are in my truck.”

“What?” I stuttered, my body in shock as he held it out to me.

My hands shook as I took them from him. An elastic band held together what looked like close to forty letters.

“Every week until the week you showed up here. He used to drop them in the mail collection for the secretary, and I would take them out before she mailed them,” Ryan confessed. “You needed a complete disconnect. I couldn’t let him believe there was still hope.”

“But he did, even without a response from me.” I shook the bundle of letters. “He believed for seven years, and I thought he had forgotten about me. I thought he didn’t care about me anymore, and he sat here, writing these letters to my ghost. And you let him?” I practically snarled at him. “How dare you!”

“Clementine,” Ryan started. “I’ve made a thousand and one mistakes over the last seven years. The biggest one was thinking I could stop you two from getting back to one another. I can’t control fate, and I’ve never been able to control my son.”

“So why bring Julien here?” I snapped. “That was juvenile.”

“One last ditch effort to push you back where you belong.” Ryan licked his bottom lip. “Mary sends me all your articles, I read every one. You’re fucking good at it, kid. You have a gift, and you shouldn’t blow that up.”

“Who says I’m blowing it up?” I laughed, the letters weighing down my arm and reminded me that I had zero clue as to what had happened to Cael over the last seven years .

“ Me ,” Ryan said. “You can love him. You can need him and want him, Clementine. But he’s twisted, he’s figuring himself out again…”

“You don’t want me screwing up that recovery on ifs and maybes.”

“No,” he stopped me. “I don’t want him blaming himself when he trips or has moments. I don’t want you risking your future for that.”

“How do you know he will?” I asked him. I understood the concern. What I didn’t understand was the lack of faith and loyalty.

“Because I know he will. It’s inevitable, but not unexpected. Riona said that he’s bound to slip up, but the best thing that I can do for him is be there, and I’ve been taking the blame for years. I can handle it. What I don’t want is for him to blame you.”

“He won’t.” I smiled at Ryan. “He wouldn’t.” My thoughts wander to Cael, that perfect smile of his so loud in my memory. “He’s never had it in him to blame me for anything. I could smash my car into the front of the Nest, and he’d find a way to make it his fault.” I sighed.

“It’s not that simple, Clementine.” Ryan shook his head.

“It really is, Ryan,” I said without hesitation. “I understand what you’re saying. I hate it and don’t accept it, but if you think what’s best for Cael is leaving, then that’s what I’ll do. Because all I’ve ever wanted is for him to be happy.”

He watched me carefully as I turned to my laptop bag, pulled out a handful of paper held together by a clip, and held it up.

“Will you do something for me, though?”

“I owe you that much,” Ryan stood from the chair.

“This is the rough copy of the article. Will you give it to him so he understands why I left?” I asked him.

“Of course.” He took the papers, looked down at them for a tense moment, and then up at me. “Rae loved you like you were hers, and I’m sorry that I didn’t know how to tell you both when she died. It was a moment of cowardice that never should have happened.” He licked his bottom lip. “You should have been offered the chance to say goodbye.”

Ryan Cody had been swallowed whole by sadness but, unlike him and his son, I never believed she was gone. I looked for her in my melancholy, where she would celebrate every moment no matter how sad, because Lorainne Cody could find joy in anything.

“I got to say goodbye, Mr. Cody. In my own way. I didn’t need your permission.” A genuine smile spread across my face.

“No.” He nodded. “You never did.”

“It’s time for me to go, Mr. Cody.” I pressed my lips into a thin line. “Take care of him for me?” I asked, my eyes drifting to the bracelet on my wrist.

“I’ll do better than I have been.” He nodded and disappeared from the room, leaving me to finish packing to the sound of my own crying.