49. CODY

CODY

S taring at the top of my bunk was going to kill me.

The ticking clock in the room only made the early morning time drag out. Clanging in my ear, I could hear the time being cut away. At some point, both Ella and Zoey had snuck in to find comfort with their people and I was jealous because it was easy for them. It was the third night I’d woken with them all surrounding me, accidentally rubbing their easy, warm love in my lonely face.

Even Dean had retreated to his own bunk.

I was cold and could feel her heart beating in the room below mine like I was lying beside her. She was calling out to me, and I was sick of being alone. I flipped back the sheets and went to find my comfort, padding down the stairs to the guest room on the main floor. I pushed the door open to find her curled up in the sheets, staring up at the moon through the unlatched window.

She had been crying, and there was nothing worse than the sight of her red, sore eyes searching the silence for answers that would never come. I didn’t say a word as I pressed against her back, and my arms wrapping around her. My fingers found the hem of her tank top and climbed up beneath it to feel her skin. Clem was so soft and warm that I couldn’t help myself but bury my face between her shoulder blades as her arms engulfed mine.

“Why are you awake?” She asked me.

“Because you are,” I whispered, kissing a line across her back. “I could hear your heart racing from upstairs.”

“That’s ridiculous,” she scoffed, but pressed into me because she couldn’t help herself. It was the comfort we had both been craving.

“Mmm,” I hummed, “maybe, but something brought me down here. ”

Your thoughts are loud, Plum, I wanted to say.

They screamed for me.

“Thank you for today,” she finally said after some time. The sound of our breathing filled the space and scared away all the shadows. “He’s not usually like that.”

“What is he like?” I asked.

I knew exactly how we ended. Clementine would get on a plane tomorrow, no matter how hard I fought tonight, but if I was going to let her go, despite my heart shattering into tiny shards that littered my bloodstream, I needed to know she was taken care of.

No matter how much I hated him; if she loved him, I would swallow the shards and let them tear me apart in silence.

“He’s intelligent, loyal,” she said. “He takes care of me.”

“I never took you for a dog person,” I teased. “Does he wag his tail when you call him a good boy?” I tried to make light of it, but my chest was tight, and soon my ability to breathe would become strained.

“Oh, so funny!” She didn’t laugh, though, because she was battling all the things she wanted to say the same way I was. “He’s sturdy, Cael. He wants to build a life with me.”

And I didn’t know what my future looked like.

“Ouch,” I mumble.

“You asked the question,” she reminded me. I didn’t want to have this conversation with her or about him. But…I had to make sure that I was doing the right thing by letting her go.

“Do you love him?” I asked next.

Selfishly and foolishly, I wanted her to say no. Please say no.

I let my hand wander over her heart and could feel how fast it was racing beneath my touch, and it threatened to drag tears from me.

Please.

“I did.” She let out a breath, and it knocked me back like a force of wind. “I do…”

“Did you kiss him this weekend?” A question I could tell she wasn’t expecting, because her body tensed beneath mine, but I had to know .

“No.”

“That feels like a secret,” I said quietly.

“It’s not, I didn’t even want him here this weekend but…” she didn’t hesitate to respond as her words trailed off. “I haven’t kissed him since I gave the ring back.”

“You gave it back?” I must have sounded confused because she laughed.

“ Yes , I’m just as confused about Julien as I am about you,” she confessed.

“Do you love me?” I asked her.

“I’ve never loved someone the way I love you,” she whispered, so quietly I barely heard the words.

“You’re still going to leave me, aren’t you?” I asked, even though it broke my heart.

“I think I have to,” she answered. “You were very valiant and protective today,” she said, and I could tell she was trying to avoid hurting my feelings.

“But?” I asked.

“But, that doesn’t change the fact that I have real adult problems waiting for me outside of Rhode Island. I can’t stay here and play make-believe with you.”

Ow.

“If I could figure out a way to give you the world I would, Clem, but I don’t have that to offer. I just have me.” I sounded so defeated, but she had knocked out the will to fight.

“I don’t want the world, Cael. I never have.” She wriggled deeper against me. “We just never had enough time.”

“We have time now,” I grumbled, upset that she was so flippant about it all.

“Not enough, it’s never enough,” she whispered with a shaky voice.

“It can be. Why are you fighting this so hard!” I didn’t mean to, but my voice raised, and my fingers dug into her side. Not hard enough to hurt her but hard enough for her to feel my hurt. “You’re giving up on us.”

“You gave up first,” she said and stopped rubbing circles against the top of my hand. “I don’t belong here, Cael. This is your home. I’m a ghost story.”

“I hate that they call you that.” I shook my head. “You were never a ghost to me. ”

“Maybe I should have been. That would have made all of this so much easier. If I hadn’t come here, you would have been happy and forgotten about me, but you’ve always loved too hard, Cael.” Her breath stuttered. “It’s crushing me.”

“I’m sorry.” I couldn’t figure out how to make it better for her.

She pulled away from me, rolling over in the bed and sitting up to face me. Her body looked so tiny as she folded down into her arms. Brown strands of hair stuck to her damp cheeks, and her bottom lip jutted out as she fought back the urge to cry.

“Do you remember the bird?” Her brows pinched together, and sadness pooled in her eyes wetly.

“That stupid bird broke your heart,” I said, while my own seized in my chest.

Clementine smiled at me softly, processing my response before she spoke again. “Until last week, I thought that bird died,” she said. “Everyone lied to me for you .”

I sat up next to her. “What?” I was lost.

“They told me the bird died to protect your emotions,” she said in the saddest tone.

“I didn’t know that. I thought you knew it flew away…” I dropped my gaze from hers and scrunched up my nose to stop the stinging that formed in defense of tears.

“But you never mentioned it, and I never asked.”

The common problem we’ve been having since day one.

“Secrets and shadows. That’s the life I’ve lived, Cael, and it wasn’t until you left that I finally was able to figure out who I was.”

It was a shot to the heart, but one I should have seen coming. It’s a tired argument we’d had before and it never got any better because I didn’t know how to be anything but the center of attention.

“We were seventeen and I loved you so much I couldn’t breathe.” She shrugged one shoulder and tucked her knees up against her chest. “It wasn’t healthy.”

“You sound like my Dad.” I sucked in a breath.

“Look at the effect that love had on us both. Open your eyes Cael.” Her arms rested on her knees and she played with the bracelet around her wrist .

“When I’m around you for too long, I feel like the little bird in that box.”

The laughter that left me felt hollow and was a hair away from turning into a sob. All that time was spent making sure she flew, keeping my distance, never pushing back on the silence. I had given up on proving myself to her because that’s what I thought she wanted, just to find out that she felt suffocated.

“You’re not the bird stuck in the box, Clementine!” I dropped my voice and moved back from her on the bed. I had never felt anger toward her, but it simmered below the surface. My eyes were brimming with hot tears.

“I made sure you weren’t the bird!” I ran my hands through my hair and turned away from her. “For seven years, you went without contact, and I just hoped that you got what you needed without me in the way. I gave you space, I made sure that bird flew even if it killed me.” I said, and there was no stopping the feelings that presented, whispering to her, “and it almost did.”