35. MATTHEWS

MATTHEWS

“ H ello?” I answered the phone, already annoyed, and I put him on speaker.

“Clemmy.” Julien’s voice flitted through the other end.

“Hi, Julien,” I said, curbing my tone with him.

“I’ve been trying to get a hold of you,” he purred.

“Service in Rhode Island isn’t great.” I lay back against the deck and groaned softly.

“When are you coming home?” He asked.

If my heart had its way, never.

“Soon, I’m almost finished. Couple of weeks at most.”

“Weeks?” Julien’s voice raised. “You should have been home weeks ago, not needing a few more to finish!”

He said home like he was it.

“This is my job, Julien.” I reminded him and myself as my mind wandered to Cael’s naked, sweaty chest. “I have to get this right.”

“It’s a newspaper, Clemmy. If it falls through, I’ll take care of you,” he said. That was the problem with him, it was never encouraging and constantly suffocating. ‘ I’ll take care of you, we can get married, I’ll buy you a big house, you can have kids. Stay home, be a mom’ … I stifled the groan that bubbled up.

“I’ll be home as soon as I finish,” I deflected. “I should go. It was nice to hear from you.” The lie came out half-strangled.

“I miss you, Baby,” he whined .

“The space has been good for us, Julien. Give me some time,” I repeated myself for the thousandth time. “I’ll call you when I’m coming in. You can pick me up from the airport, and we can talk.”

“I love you,” he said.

“Goodbye, Julien.”

I set the phone beside me on the deck and sat up.

Everything had been peaceful until he decided to call, or at least not plagued with more decisions about my future and what I needed to do with it.

I stayed out there behind the Nest, soaking up whatever sunshine November had to offer, with my laptop propped on my legs, trying to figure out how to write this paper in a way that made sense. The air was starting to get chilly but it cleared my head and made it easier to think. The first four times I had started I made it seem like I was writing a human interest piece on Cael. The paper needed to be about all the Hornets, not just the handsome, cocky, irritating shortstop.

Cael’s words played back in my mind on repeat like a broken record. Why do you hate me? I had walked away from him, knowing that it didn’t solve anything but it had felt good to be the one that left for once. A power struggle I hadn’t realized I was fighting with had snapped that day.

But I missed him, and I hated that.

Seven years ago, I missed him.

But as the years went on, the urge to miss him faded. I was left in the dark without a word from him—no letters, no phone calls, no visits. Missing him had turned to resentment and bitterness.

All the while, I could never shake the feeling of his lips on my skin. I hated that it made me dizzy even remembering how I’d felt. I ran my finger over my wrist where the twisted, pale pink threads used to be and chewed on my lip. If you hate him so much, why are you so upset about that stupid bracelet?

I’m convinced this is what whiplash felt like.

“Daydreaming about me again, Plum?” His voice was soft as he lowered himself onto the deck beside me.

“No,” I lied.

He wore a hat turned backward over his shaggy hair and a dark shirt layered over another white one. He angled his head back, the veins in his throat rolling to the surface as he smiled at me with all his teeth.

“You’ve always been a terrible liar,” he hummed and shut his eyes as the sun tickled his skin.

“You keep saying that, and yet…” I trailed off. It was easier to keep secrets with my mouth shut, but Cael had a way of prying every single thought from me without even trying.

”You keep lying to my face, knowing I don’t believe you.” He laughed. “Who’s Julien?”

“No one,” I answered too quickly and received an eyebrow raised in response.

“That feels like a secret,” he said, and my heart skipped a beat.

He stared at me for a long time, maybe hoping I would give in, but he didn’t need information on Julien. It wasn’t worth the time it would take to explain that I had left my boyfriend-turned-fiancé in Texas because I couldn’t get the way Cael’s lips felt on mine out of my head.

“Clemmy is a cute nickname,” he teased, breaking the silence.

“God, don’t!” I groaned, covering my face as laughter filled my chest. For a split second, the air was lighter between us. “You know I hate when people call me that.”

“He sounds super nice.” Cael’s tone was soft as he rotated the ring on his pinky finger.

“You sound super jealous,” I teased.

“I am.”

All of the air was sucked from my lungs as he turned his head to look at me. There was no maliciousness in the statement, only misery. Those big, sad, blue eyes would be the end of me.

“What are you doing?” Cael asked the question as if I hadn’t left him standing there in the gym a few nights prior. As if I didn’t continue to shut down every attempt he made at rebuilding the bridge between us. He seemed so relaxed, at ease, even though I was most certainly fighting with my own inner monologue over him. Over what I should do.

“Working on the piece. The sooner I finish, the sooner I can leave. ”

That struck a chord. His lips flickered downward into a deep pout as he stared out over the rolling back half of the property.

“Can you take a break?” He asked, as if the sentence didn’t bother him.

It bothered me though, how easily he brushed past things.

“Depends,” I said, but closed my laptop in preparation.

“I want to take you somewhere.” He hopped off the deck into the grass about three feet below with a graceful thud. “Come.” He held out his hands for me, rings sparkling in the sunlight as I slipped into them. He lowered me down beside him.

“That would be?” I asked as he linked his hand into mine like it belonged there. My heart flinched at how perfectly it did.

“Surprise.” He brought us around the side of the Nest to his car and opened the passenger door for me. The seats were low to the ground and it was funny to watch his tall body slink into the driver’s side. The engine rumbled to life, and he pulled us from the driveway with a speed that couldn’t be safe and one that he continued to push as he drove down the hill and out of town.

The sun silhouetted Cael’s sharp jaw in a warm glow as he turned down a path away from the highway. His tongue brushed out over his bottom lip, and his eyes focused on the road ahead. Blue like the ocean after a brutal storm, catching the light and sparkling like sea glass.

The soft swoop of his nose, the cute imperfections of his ears, and shaggy blond hair. From my spot in the passenger seat, I couldn’t see his freckles but, like muscle memory, I could count every single one and trace them across his sun-kissed skin with my eyes.

He was unbearably beautiful.

It was like he glowed the prettiest shade of violet.

Sad, lost, and beautiful. Maybe Cael Cody wasn’t that little boy anymore, and it settled against my chest in the most painful possible way.

Heartbreak was a weird thing. One moment, I wanted nothing to do with him, but the next, I wanted to be as close to that lavender haze as I could. I just wish he could see himself the way I saw him—fragile and free.

Cael turned to look at me with a soft smile on his face. “What?” He purred.

I shook my head. “Nothing. ”

“You don’t get car sick, do you?” He teased.

“Not usually,” I responded and looked away from him finally, eyes focusing on the single-lane road he was speeding down. “But you drive like a lunatic, so there’s still time.”

“I do not,” Cael laughed and shifted gears, pushing the car faster.

“Now, who’s lying?” I teased and looked out the window. “You aren’t taking me out to the woods to kill me, are you?”

Cael’s wild laughter filled the space. “Tempting, but I enjoy the idea of people hearing you scream my name too much.”

Heat licked at my cheeks.

Before I could stop him, he was slipping beneath my defenses again. Making himself at home in all the darkest cavities of my heart. Back where he belonged.

Cael pulled the car to a stop off the side of the road where the grass was worn down and led into the trees. He hopped from the car, digging through the trunk as I stepped out into the cool air. He had a backpack on and extended his hand to me.

“Watch your step.” He smiled and helped me over the roots and down onto the path.

He kept his long fingers tangled lazily into mine as his arm hooked around his back, and he led us down the path deeper into the woods.

“Cael Cody.” My finger squeezed his as I stumbled over loose rock. “I haven’t hiked since graduation, and I didn’t plan on doing it today.”

“It’s worth it, Plum. Just keep that pretty mouth of yours shut for two more minutes, and I’ll prove it.” Cael laughed, and it echoed softly around us, almost harmonizing with the birds in the treetops.

And God, was it ever.

The trees opened to a small hill that kissed the shore of a long winding creek that rumbled down and out of view to our left.

“I found this place a month after we moved.” Cael stopped and loosened his grip on my hand so I could walk out in front of him.

“It looks so much like home,” I whispered under my breath.

“It was like my little piece of Texas but it’s always been missing something .” His words were carried by the wind that brushed through my hair, and I turned to look at him. Cael nodded his head to the side, and his brows scrunched together tightly as he looked at me. “Sorry.” He mouthed an apology as his blue eyes watered and stared at me against the backdrop of his safe haven. His throat bobbed, and he looked up into the sun away from me, squinting at the brightness as the tears rolled down his cheeks.

“I’m a mess, Clem,” he grumbled and wiped the tears on the back of his hand. “I thought I was gonna be able to handle that, but…” He looked back at me and exhaled shakily. “I’ve been seeing you in my dreams for seven years and, knowing this is real, it’s overwhelming.”

I didn’t know what to say to him short of giving him false comfort that everything was going to be alright, but I couldn’t do that because I didn’t know. Closing my eyes, I let the breeze wrap around my senses, brushing my skin and dulling the sounds of my tangled thoughts. All I could hear was the birds, the creek, and trees all working in tandem as they stitched together an old memory that Cael and I had shared a thousand times growing up.

Eyes still closed, I felt him closing the distance between us. His breath fanned over my face as his finger traced over my eyebrows and then rubbed down the length of my nose. Cupping my jaw with his fingers, the pad of his thumb ghosted my bottom lip. His forehead met mine as his thumb paused, tugging gently against my pout.

My hands tangled into his shirt at the hem as I inhaled his breath, drinking it down like I hadn’t taken one in seven years. I could feel his lips hovering there, waiting for me to tell him it was okay. To ask him to kiss me.

“Cael.” I forced my eyes open, ripping myself from the memory and facing the blue fire behind his eyes. “I can’t.”

“Fuck.” Cael stepped back in the grass, putting a good foot between us and rolling his shoulders out.

“I’m sorry,” I said. I wanted to, God, I wanted nothing more, but it would mean too much to him and to me. I couldn’t suffer through the heartbreak again.

“It’s fine, Clem,” he said, but I knew it wasn’t.

He inhaled tightly, his neck straining as he fought to hold back what he really wanted to say to me. Kneeling down in the grass, he dug into his backpack and pulled out a blanket. He laid it flat in the long grass and sprawled out on it like nothing had passed between us.

“I hate that you do that,” I said, settling down next to him.

“What?” He rolled his head back and let it hang between his shoulders.

“Move on so fast.” I kicked off my shoes and wiggled my toes as I rested back against the blanket. “When someone expresses frustration toward you, it’s like you absorb it and forget about it. Don’t you…” I stopped, baffled that he didn’t seem to trip up over anything. I huffed out my inability to express myself. “You’re allowed to get mad at people!”

He stared at me for a moment, his lips curling into a smirk. “Mama would hate that.”

“Hate what?”

“Wasting time on being upset.” Cael shrugged his strong shoulders and rolled back off his elbows into the blanket to stare at the sky. “I can’t control how you feel, Clem,” he said as I watched him. “But how would screaming and fighting against your feelings work?”

Cael raised an eyebrow at me as his head rolled to the side, “it would only make us both feel shitter than we already do about all of this. I’m trying to make more time with you, Clementine. If you want to spend it fighting, we can, but you have to promise we spend the other half of the time fucking.”

“You’re insufferable.” I shake my head.

“You missed me.” He smiled with his eyes closed. The words buried their way into my heart and stung; he had no idea just how much. “I have something for you,” he said.

“See.” I laughed and rolled onto my stomach as he dug into his jeans pocket.

“Holding on to every hard feeling for everyone else is what got me into this mess in the first place, Plum. I can’t do that again.” There was a deeper meaning to what he said, but I was sick of being the one who started the fights.

“Close your eyes,” he instructed, and I did.

“If your surprise is trying to kiss me…”

“Shh,” he whispered. “Hold up your arm.”

I felt the string hit my wrist and before I even opened my eyes the tears stung at the corners from his gift .

“Different girl, different bracelet.”

Gone were the faded, ratty shades of pink. Wrapped around my wrist was a thin braided bracelet of purples, the same as before, but different and new. He had gotten better at the knots… I supposed he would have. Expecting a thirteen year old boy to thread a perfect bracelet had been a silly expectation. It was precious and heartwarming, but it felt like a thousand tiny paper cuts as his fingers brushed my wrist and pulled away.

“Thank you, Cael.” I smiled. “But now yours is old, and mine is new,” I teased through the sadness.

“ Same boy, same bracelet .” He held up his wrist to show off the tattered bracelet, still somehow hanging on strong. But I didn’t think that was true anymore. He was different. He just refused to admit it, so he was determined to hide in our past.