4. Fable

Chapter 4

Fable

T he time goes by so fast, I'm barely prepared for it when I'm staring at the plane tickets scheduled in a few days' time. I still haven't packed, putting it off until the last minute, so I force myself to tackle that. My purple suitcase has seen better days—the purple is scratched to hell and one of the wheels is a little askew—but it still gets the job done. I toss it on my bed and pop it open, staring at the emptiness inside.

What does one take to a ranch in Wyoming?

" Condoms ," Jinx pips in from behind me. " Make sure to pack condoms ."

I snort and instead fold up a few pairs of jeans and place them inside. "I doubt cowboys are anything like the movies, let alone that they'd be interested in me."

" You've always been so blind to your beauty ," Jinx scoffs. " What did I tell you about daily affirmations? "

I haven't done daily affirmations since the accident. I'd done them that morning, looking myself in the mirror in my renaissance faire get up and telling myself, "You are a kickass warrior fairy princess. You're going to make today your bitch!" The affirmations hadn't worked. The day made me its bitch instead, so I haven't done them since. But Jinx always swore by them. Every morning and every night, she used to look herself in the eyes and go through a whole list of regular affirmations and a few new ones if needed. She'd started having me do them with her soon after and it became a regular thing. Now, though? I can't bear to look myself in the eyes.

" I am a badass bitch ," Jinx declares. " Say it ."

I hesitate, my eyes trickling over to the medicine bottle sitting on my counter. I could take a few pills, and I won't have to do this. I won't have to face her when I can't say the words. I won't have to imagine her disappointment in me.

" Say it ," she commands again. " Don't make me threaten you, Everhart ."

Sighing, I sit down on the edge of the bed and face her. "I am a badass bitch."

" Like you mean it! "

"I am a badass bitch!" I try again, but I don't believe the words. I feel like I've been sitting in the mud for so long, but this was always how Jinx brought me up. This was her way of making sure my confidence was never shattered. Now here I sit, a broken shell of who I once was, seeing hallucinations of someone I loved so much, it kills me that she's not here with me.

The image I see, her phantom that haunts me, levels me with her eyes. " I'll accept it for now, but we're gonna work on that, Everhart. You best believe it ."

She doesn't disappear. She simply sits and smiles at me, frozen forever as she once was. I won't ever be able to imagine her older. I'll never know what she looks like with wrinkles and sunspots. I won't know what her hair looks like gray, or if she'd even let it be gray before coloring it something wild. I won't ever get to see her marry someone. I won't get to watch her turn into a crazy cat lady like she'd always dreamed of.

She won't be there when I need her.

" I'm here ," she says as if she knows what I'm thinking. Of course, she does. She's a figment of my imagination. That's what Dr. Julia says. I need to remember that she's not here, that she's not real, or else I'll spiral.

But she's so perfect sitting there. So alive. And I can't stomach the thought of pushing her away when I need her most.

" You can't go to a ranch in Wyoming without cowgirl gear," Jinx says. "A small shopping trip is in orde r."

"Things cost too much?—"

" Use the money, Everhart ."

I jerk and look away, not daring to meet her eyes. I have money saved up which is the main reason I've been able to not return to work yet. But besides that, there's the money from the settlement. Not only were my largest medical bills paid and Jinx's few, but the ride share company had given me a sizeable amount of money to keep me from going to the media with the accident. It was bad publicity, even if it wasn't the driver's fault. I don't know if they'd given Steve's family any money. I'd tried to look him up after I was out of the hospital, but I hadn't been able to figure anything out and the company had been unwilling to give me his family's contact information. I'd been prepared to tell the company I wasn't interested in talking to the media, let alone in taking the money, but my lawyer insisted I take it and helped with putting it into an account. It wasn't just for medical bills. It was for funeral bills, pain and suffering, and a wrongful death. There are too many zeroes in that account, but it feels like blood money.

Jinx's blood is all over it.

"I can't," I rasp, looking down. "But I'll get a few shirts and a hat at least."

Jinx and I had changed our names when we were twenty-one, a way to be sisters without being blood. We had Power of Attorneys for each other to make sure we'd make decisions together. And because of all our ironclad paperwork we thought we'd never have to use, I inherited everything Jinx had. We'd lived together, so all her stuff was already here. Jinx didn't have any other family, and while I have a mother, I can hardly call her that. She only ever shows up when she needs money and disappears again. She hasn't come begging for anything since I yelled at her a few years ago. She hadn't even bothered to check on me after the voicemails the hospital left with her. So, she's not exactly someone I consider family.

I've considered going back to work. I loved my job working in marketing for an indie gaming company, but I haven't been able to stomach work since the accident. They've been understanding, happy to wait for me to come back, but they won't wait forever. They have a temp covering my position right now, but I imagine at some point, they'll have to find a replacement. I won't blame them. It's just business.

Dr. Julia thinks this trip is going to be good for me. We've had long extensive conversations about what to expect and how to handle any situations that could arise. I'm still having panic attacks at the most inconvenient times. I can't ride in a vehicle I'm not driving without one. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle getting to the ranch from the airport. Dr. Julia had asked if I needed a higher dose of my meds, but I'd refused. I'm not taking them, so that wouldn't have helped me anyway. We normally meet once a week but since I'll be out of town for a month, she'd agreed to Zoom calls if I have enough signal. Worst case, we'll be emailing back and forth if I need help.

I throw a bunch of leggings and comfortable clothing in the bag, piling it in chaotically. It doesn't really matter if it has wrinkles. Still, if I'm going to do anything on the ranch, I know I can't exactly wear yoga pants, so I make sure I do at last have all my jeans and a pair of my favorite cosplay boots. I'll look for a pair of cheap cowgirl boots at the store and a hat, too. But that's about all I need.

My eyes dance over to my sewing machine and craft kit. It sits in the corner gathering dust. The last outfit I'd been working on sits on top of it, a pretty jacket meant for fringe and for when Jinx and I were going to find a country bar to go to. It was going to be glitz and glamour and perfect, but I haven't touched it. The sparkle is dulled right now because of the dust, but I remember when Jinx had gushed about it, how jealous she'd been. I'd been planning on making her one after I finished mine. I have the material, too.

" You should take the sewing machine with you, Everhart ," Jinx says as she appears by the sewing machine. She traces her fingers over the top of it, but the dust doesn't move, as if no one is there at all.

"I haven't made anything since—" I choke off, unable to say it. If I don't say it, maybe it won't be true. Maybe this is all a long nightmare I can't wake up from. Maybe I'm still in the hospital on breathing machines. But no. I know that's not true. I understand it's not, but sometimes, we want so much for things to be different, we could convince ourselves of something like that if we try hard enough. Dr. Julia warned me against it, so I force myself to think of something else instead.

" Just in case ," Jinx argues. " You don't have to use it, but what if you lose a button on a shirt? What if a cowboy needs an emergency patch and he has to strip naked in your room? Or, and hear me out, what if you get the urge to cosplay a rootin' tootin' cowgirl? "

I snort, and I can't fight the small smile that pulls at my lips despite the sadness swallowing my soul.

" There's a smile ," Jinx sighs. " It's been so long since you smiled ."

I stare at her, at this phantom that isn't really a phantom. Part of me had hoped in the beginning that ghosts were real, that she was really here supporting me, but I know she's not. There are no ghosts here, only hauntings. And I suspect the loss of my best friend, my sister, will haunt me until the end of my days.

"You should be going with me," I rasp, wishing that she could hold my hand right now, that I could feel her squeeze it three times like she used to, that I could squeeze it back.

Jinx tilts her head. " I am going, silly. I wouldn't miss this for the world. "

I clench my jaw against the overwhelming urge to cry, but still, my lashes grow wet, and I have to quickly wipe my face off with the palm of my hand. Without questioning it, I swipe all the material and the jacket from my sewing table into the sewing bag. Then I quickly pack up the sewing machine and set it down beside it. My sewing kit and everything goes in the craft bag before I move it over toward the door, ready to go.

" That's my Everhart ," Jinx says behind me, pride in her voice.

It only makes me cry harder, until the items grow blurry through my tears, but I don't take them away. They'll go with me because I know Jinx would demand I not give up making things. I take them because she would have wanted me to.

For Jinx. Always for Jinx.