Chapter 12

"THANK YOUfor everything," Matthew told Karen once the kids had all been read to and were finally settled in bed. He popped open a bottle of white wine and poured glasses for those who wanted some. "The kids are now calling you Aunt Karen."

She seemed tickled, judging by her smile. "I hope it's okay. They asked if they could call me that."

"I think it's fine." He sat on the sofa, and Lucas joined him, taking a glass. Karen took her glass and ensconced herself at the snack bar with her tablet.

"You need to give yourself the evening off," Lucas told her. "I hope you're doing what you want instead of running down emails or checking my messages."

"I am. Everything is caught up as far as I know, and there haven't been any burning fires in the past few days. Though I do understand that you had a successful evening. No more stalker?"

Lucas turned, looking over the back of the sofa. "Yeah. Just some weird twists and turns. Someone was feeding him information and money. They paid for him to come here, and we don't know why. It's unnerving."

Karen rolled her eyes dramatically. "Leon?"

Matthew nearly dropped his glass. Lucas managed to set his on the table without dumping it down his front or doing a spit take. "Why do you say that?"

"It's pretty obvious. He hates the very idea of you being out of town. He keeps sending me messages asking where you are and if you're okay. He seems to think that I'm your babysitter and that I work for him." She shook her head. "The guy is a real douche. He's nice to you, but he's a shit to everyone else."

"How so?" Matthew asked when Lucas started coughing. He patted his back and then rubbed it, letting Lucas catch his breath.

"No one really notices us around the set and stuff. Stars and big-time agents act like we're part of the fixtures, like the toilets or something. But we talk. They all avoid Leon, and there are stories of actors dumping him because he wanted to control everything about them. The guy sounded creepy to me." She went back to her tablet, and Lucas sat on the sofa once more.

"Jesus," he breathed.

"It's okay. You can't know everything about everyone."

"No. But how did I miss that? He always shows up when I'm on location, and when I'm filming in the studio, it seems like he's…."

"Hovering?" Karen asked. "That's because he is. No one else's agent does that."

"And I thought it was because I was important to him."

Karen scoffed. "You are. But he's a control freak. And I'd guess he's going crazy because you're away from him and he can't influence you." She grabbed her tablet and came to where Lucas sat. "I'm sorry if I spoke out of turn."

Lucas seemed stunned and was deep in thought. "You didn't," Matthew assured her. "You said what you did because you care."

"How could I have missed that?" Lucas asked again, and Matthew figured it was to no one in particular.

"There's nothing you can do about it right now." Matthew tried to comfort Lucas, but he wound tighter by the second. "Try to relax and not think about it for a while." Even as he offered the advice, he knew it would be impossible. Matthew wouldn't be able to put it aside either.

Karen said good night and quietly left the room. Rachel had already left to go on one of her evening walk-arounds of the property. Matthew turned out the lights, letting the darkness from outside slip in. "I know this is another reason why you have to go sooner rather than later."

"I know. Maybe you and the kids could come out to California," Lucas offered. Matthew found himself nodding, but he knew it wasn't practical. "You see right through me, don't you?"

"I always did," Matthew told him. "If we come out, when would you have time? Six months, a year?" He sighed. "We keep coming back to this. What we've had is wonderful, but it's a summer thing. You were on vacation and could spend all the time in the world with us. But that's ending, and you need to go back to your life… and I need to do the same. We'll move home first thing Monday morning. I have to go to work, and I have the kids registered for day camp through the school." He shrugged to try to cover, but Matthew knew it was going to rip him apart to say goodbye to Lucas again.

Lucas finished his wine and then stood, taking Matthew's hand. Matthew got up and left the glasses on the table, letting Lucas lead him to the bedroom.

Matthew had always known they would come to this, but he wouldn't trade his time with Lucas for anything. Lucas closed their bedroom door behind them and locked it with a snick. Then he cupped Matthew's cheek, kissing him deeply, driving Matthew wild as he pressed him back against the mattress.

"Lucas, I…," Matthew whispered, but Lucas shook his head.

"No talking and no words. Not right now. Nothing is going to change today or tomorrow, and we both have to do what we need to. But for now, it's just us." Matthew looked into those eyes that had entranced so many people from the big screen. "Whatever happens isn't going to change the fact that I love you and I always have."

"I love you too," Matthew said, his throat aching as Lucas cut off further conversation, kissing him down onto the bed. "For the record, I don't want you to go. I want to make that clear."

"I know. It's written in your eyes." Lucas's voice grew rough, and he slipped his arms around Matthew's back, holding him tightly without moving. "And just so you know, I want to strip you naked and memorize every inch of you for those times when I'm lying awake in that damned trailer and can't sleep. At least then I'll be able to remember what it was like to have you next to me." Lucas lay still, and Matthew hugged him in return. The passion that had been building seemed to cool, not because Matthew wasn't ready and willing, but it just didn't seem like the moment.

"I want the same thing," Matthew said.

"Then why am I so content just to hold you?" Lucas asked and then sighed.

"Because maybe there are times when there are things more intimate than sex." Matthew shimmied, and Lucas rolled away. Matthew stripped off the last of his clothes and climbed under the covers. Lucas did the same. Then Lucas slid close, slipping an arm around his waist, and Matthew sighed, leaning back into Lucas's spoon, one of his hands making small circles on his belly.

"I…."

Matthew closed his eyes and waited for what Lucas wanted to say.

"Sometimes I just don't understand."

"What?"

"Me, myself, us…. There are times when I think I'm not made right. Most guys would have sex no matter what and to hell with everything else. You know what I mean?"

Matthew nodded slowly. "I do know what you mean. But sex is just one part of a relationship. One of the good parts, surely, but so is being there and supporting each other, putting yourself second to the other… and to their needs." Matthew slowly rolled over. "I knew a couple—we went to high school with them. Do you remember Shirley and Nate?"

"I do. They were the cover picture for Cute Couple magazine." They each chuckled at the use of their old catty joke.

"They got married a year after graduation… and fought all the time. Eden told me all about it. She and Shirley stayed friends. Anyway, Shirley reportedly wanted to go to college, while Nate wanted someone to stay home and look after the house. Even though he was working at the gas station out toward Custer and they were living with her folks. The marriage lasted a year… then Shirley left and did what she thought she had to. She graduated from Ferris in business and now works at Intel in plant management. The last time I saw Nate, he was asking me if I wanted fries or apples with Brianna's Happy Meal. They were so good in high school, but when the rubber hit the road, neither of them was willing to compromise or see the other's point of view. Instead, they both tried to impose their will on the other. That isn't a life, that's a life sentence."

"I want you to be happy, and I want to be happy, and right now it seems that both things just aren't possible. Not as things stand."

"No, they don't seem to be. But things can and do change. That's one of the constants of the universe." He rested his head against Lucas's shoulder. "One way or another, we'll figure things out." And if they didn't and the two of them were destined to go their own way, then…. Matthew didn't want to think about that right now.

"I hope you're right," Lucas said softly.

Matthew snickered. "Haven't you figured out by now that I usually am?" He closed his eyes and waited for sleep to overtake him. Thankfully, he didn't have to work in the morning, but the kids would be up early, anxious to watch television or to go down to the lake. Lucas held him a little closer, and that was enough for now. Matthew had to hope that things would work out one way or another.

"DO YOU really have to go?" Carl asked Sunday morning. Matthew joined the rest of the family in the living room. Carl sat on Lucas's lap as they watched Disney Junior together.

"I do. I have to go back so I can make more movies and stuff." He smiled over Carl's head, and Matthew forced one in return. Time seemed to fly faster and faster as the hours passed. "Maybe you and Uncle Daddy can come to visit sometime. If you do, I'll be sure to show you how movies are made."

"Me too?" Gregory asked.

"All of you. I promise." Lucas yawned, and Matthew went to the kitchen for coffee.

"Can we?" Carl asked as though they were going to leave with Lucas. "Please, Uncle Daddy?" He turned on the big eyes and wobbly lower lip.

"Maybe someday." He sipped his coffee and let it work its magic. "But while Lucas is still here, let's go have some fun, okay? We can go swimming and play in the sand."

"And we can go out on the boat," Lucas offered.

"I go get my bathing suit." Carl jumped off Lucas's lap and raced off.

"I'll make sure he puts everything on right," Will offered and followed him out of the room. Matthew couldn't help thinking how quickly Will was growing up.

Matthew sat on the sofa and put his feet up, trying to put on a brave face and not be Mr. Grumpypants. He was not going to obsess over Lucas leaving. After finishing his coffee, Matthew put together a quick breakfast and got the kids seated. He even managed to get Carl to take off his swimmies… for now.

"Eat the last of your apples," Matthew coaxed Brianna. "And you need to finish your toast," he added to Carl. Thankfully the other two finished and went into the living room. Carl shoved the last bite into his mouth before getting down and hurrying into the living area so he could watch too. "Do you want to come to the lake with us?" he asked Karen.

"Thank you, but no. I have a lot of arrangements and appointments to make. I figured I'd get all that done while you're gone and the house is quiet." Not that Matthew could blame her for a second. There were times—at least ten a day—that he wished he could have a quiet house for, like, ten minutes. That was all he needed, ten minutes of pure quiet. Maybe that would happen in twenty years or so. He ate the last of his own food and drank some coffee while Lucas scooped Carl into his arms and zoomed him around like an airplane, to giggles.

"Let's get all of you ready to go swimming and then out on the boat, okay?" Lucas said with more energy than Matthew could possibly manage. All of them hurried to their room, except Carl, whom Lucas zoomed over to him. Then Lucas hurried off, and Matthew sat with his youngest, finishing his coffee.

"Are you sad?" Carl asked.

Matthew nodded. "A little," he lied, but how did he explain to a four-year-old that he was losing the one person who made his heart seem whole? That was more than what Carl could understand. "I'm going to miss Lucas."

Carl leaned against his chest. "Me too." He patted Matthew's arm. "He gives good airplane rides."

Matthew couldn't help chuckling as he wished things were that simple for him as well. Lucas returned, and Carl slipped down to ask for another ride. Matthew used the time he was occupied to put on his own suit and check on his three other hoodlums. He adjusted Brianna's suit and got towels and sun shirts for the boys, a cover-up for Brianna, and snacks for all of them.

By the time they headed out the door and down the stairs to the sand, Matthew felt like a pack rat. He relieved himself of the burden once they were on the boat.

"Everyone sit down, and you need to stay that way," Lucas said while he helped with life jackets. Then Lucas started the engine, and they were off.

Carl immediately came over, and Matthew lifted him onto his lap. Brianna and her older brothers seemed fascinated as they slid across the water. Matthew knew he was luckier than most. He had four healthy, amazing kids, and his life was pretty full. But all it took was a turn of his head to where Lucas stood at the wheel of the boat, the wind blowing his hair, and seeing that smile, for him to know that no matter how full his life was, there was going to be a hole come tomorrow morning.

"THAT WASan amazing day." Matthew blinked as he listened to the sound of a quiet house. Carl had been asleep for two hours, and the others were out like lights. Nothing like a day on the water and playing on the beach to wear them out. Well, that and then a huge dinner for Geoff, Eli, Matthew's friends, and Lucas's aunt in order to say goodbye. "Thank you for all of it." Karen had apparently made all the arrangements, and Rachel had taken care of the travel.

Lucas had to be up very early for the drive to Grand Rapids, but that didn't show for a second as he slipped under the covers and turned out the light.

"Nothing is going to be the same."

Lucas rolled over and tugged Matthew to him. Matthew slipped closer, his legs sliding between Lucas's as he pressed him onto the mattress. "No, it won't." He held Matthew in his gaze and then closed the distance between them. The kiss left Matthew light-headed, and Lucas deepened it.

"Lucas, I…."

Lucas shook his head. "You're mine tonight. There aren't going to be any interruptions. No kids, no storms—I checked. Karen and Rachel have orders to keep everyone away from this room on pain of death. So tonight, you're mine. For this one night, there's nothing outside this room." Lucas smoothed back the hair that threatened to flop into Matthew's eyes. "It's just you and me, and there's only one rule."

"What's that?"

"You can't make too much noise." Lucas put a finger to his lips and then slid down under the sheet.

Matthew chuckled at the implication, which came to fruition with intense suction that cut off any sound Matthew made and had him arching his back and gripping the bedding as a tsunami of pleasure pounded over him. He had been totally unprepared for that, just as he was for when the happy train came to an abrupt end. He groaned, but Lucas kissed away any sound, holding him in that gaze that mesmerized millions from the big screen. Only this was just for him. It was special. Everyone else could watch this amazing man on their television or in the theater, but only Matthew got him in person.

Minutes and hours passed as they moved together, with Lucas the master of anticipation, until Matthew knew he was going to blow apart into a million pieces. Only then did Lucas push him over the edge, the two of them flying together on wings of passion, only to return to earth holding each other as the cool night air caressed their weary, sweat-soaked bodies.

All Matthew's energy had been spent, and Lucas held him as he closed his eyes. "I do love you," Lucas whispered as he kissed that spot behind his ear. Matthew told Lucas he loved him too as sleep washed over him. He wanted to stop it, to hold on to this moment for as long as possible, but he couldn't. When he woke again, the bed was empty.

Lucas stood next to him, fully dressed. He leaned over the bed to kiss him, and then, almost like a ghost, he was gone. Matthew rolled over, clamped his eyes closed, and tried not to let in the loneliness that already threatened to overwhelm him.