15. Ziggy

Chapter fifteen

Ziggy

I t was still dark out when my phone chimed, waking me out of a deep sleep. I reached out to the nightstand, slapping around until I found it. When I squinted at the screen, I saw Eric's name and experienced a twinge of guilt in my gut.

We were roommates and best friends in college, yet we'd only spoken once or twice all summer. He lived less than half a mile away from me, but our paths rarely crossed.

His personality shone through in the message, a mix of humor and sharp observation:

"Yo, Zigster! Remember me? I'm your college roomie/best friend/future app billionaire. Why don't you climb out of your hockey-poetry cave for a day? Shore hike in two hours. No excuses."

I groaned and pushed my face into my pillow. The day hiking around sounded great, but the idea of talking to Eric for hours without mentioning Kade sounded next to impossible. Still, I couldn't keep avoiding the man I'd see every day when college resumed in the fall.

Pushing myself up to a sitting position, I typed back:

"Okay. Meet at the trailhead at 8. I'll bring trail mix and water if you bring your effervescent wit."

The weather man said our heatwave was threatening to return. A light fog rolled in off the ocean when I climbed out of my Uber at the coastal trail parking lot.

Eric's beat-up little Subaru was already there, covered in coding-related bumper stickers, most of them inside jokes. He stood at the trailhead, reading the posted map. When he turned, he hadn't changed in any significant way. Eric looked like he'd stepped out of a hipster catalog with his disheveled blond hair, thick, blue-rimmed glasses, and vintage Clash London Calling T-shirt.

"Oh my, look, it's the prodigal roommate," Eric called out to me. His blue eyes twinkled in the rays of early morning sunshine. "I'd started to worry that you'd been abducted by a rival hockey team."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, please. Do you think there's any way those UNH guys could handle me?"

"Dunno, man. I hear that you and that Langston guy are getting pretty chummy these days. I hope he's not working undercover."

Trying to throw Eric off, I forced a casual shrug. "We're only helping Rory out. He thought we'd both be great as coaches-in-training for his juniors league."

Eric smirked. "Yep, and I'm secretly developing the new Facebook killer."

He didn't push any further, and we set off own the trail. It was gorgeous, and I suddenly realized how much I'd missed nature. We wound our way between pine trees battered by storms and small meadows full of waving seagrass.

When I paused to look out at the ocean over the top of a boulder, Eric nudged me. "So, come on. What's the story? You've been like Casper the ghost all summer. Is there a secret fight club in Whistleport I don't know about?"

I listened to the rhythm of the waves crashing on the rocky shore and then chuckled. "No, I'd have a great story if it were something like that. Instead, it's just been the coaching gig and working my evening shifts at Tidal Grounds."

"Right." Eric tossed a pebble into the waves. "I'm sure that drawing pretty pictures in the cream floating on coffee and teaching 10-year-olds how to skate and carry a stick at the same time takes many more hours than playing college hockey while taking classes."

I winced. "Yeah, I guess you've got a point. I've had to spend some time… figuring some things out."

Suddenly, his expression softened, and the furrows in his forehead disappeared. "Ah, well, you aren't the only one doing that. This summer has been a little… different."

"Oh yeah? Let's turn the microscope around then. What's going on with you?"

At first, he shrugged. While we descended on the trail, taking us closer to the beach, he kicked a pinecone.

"Come now. You can't complain about me and then hold back your own tales of summer madness."

"Okay, I've been putting together a new fitness app, and it's starting to take off. A few investors have contacted me, dangling seed money and talking about accelerator programs."

My eyes opened wide. "Wow, that's phenomenal!" I was genuinely excited for him. "Why didn't you tell me the good news sooner?"

He pulled down his glasses and looked at me. "I've been trying to, Zig, but it's been harder to catch you than the greased pig at the county fair."

Guilt gnawed at my gut again. "I'm sorry. Yeah, my bad. I owe you more time."

Eric waved his hand. "No probs. I get it. We come home from Orono, and there's so much of the stuff we left behind that's suddenly here again. We all get busy."

"But not too busy for friends… or we shouldn't be."

He nodded. "True, and it's been intense. I've had to pull all-nighters and then be alert enough to field calls from Silicon Valley guys. The whole thing is exciting, but I'm scared I'll screw something up big time, you know? Am I in over my head? I don't know."

His story inspired a little bit of relief. I wasn't the only one having to deal with heavy expectations from others. "I'm sure Steve Jobs worried about the same things. It's huge, though. You've always said you'd change the world with your coding. I think you're on the way."

"Maybe." I'd never known Eric to sound so tentative about his coding projects, so there had to be something else. "It's not just that. I've been… umm… going out with somebody."

He caught me completely off guard. "Wait, who? When?"

His cheeks blushed pink. "Remember Stef Wabanaki? We went to high school together."

"Of course, I remember her. She went all the way to figure skating nationals last year." I paused. "Wait, dude! You've had a crush on her for years. Now, you're dating? You fox." I punched his bicep.

Eric gave me a sheepish grin. "Yeah, well, we ran into each other at the arena early in the summer and started talking. I don't know how, but it all clicked into place."

"That's amazing. I'm so happy for you."

For a moment, he silently studied my expression. "I wanted to tell you about it sooner, maybe celebrate, but—"

"But I've been MIA. Yeah, I get it, and I'm sorry bud." The weight of what I'd missed hit me. "I should have been there for you every step of the way. It's on me."

Eric forgave me. "Don't get all goopy about it. It's okay. We're here now, and you know you can talk to me about anything. We've been through a lot together. Remember celebrating you making the UMaine team as a walk-on?"

We'd whooped it up for nearly twenty-four hours straight. I had so many doubts about making it, but Eric was my cheerleader with undying faith.

Our conversation was easier after that. I shared stories about coaching the juniors, and we speculated about UMaine's upcoming hockey season. Unfortunately, I couldn't shake my uneasiness about the big secret I was keeping.

When we reached a rocky outcrop that looked out over the ocean with foamy waves crashing below, Eric fell silent. It was one of my favorite places. Seagulls wheeled overhead as we sat on the boulders staring at the massive expanse of the Atlantic.

Finally, Eric spoke. "I remember when we used to come out here and spend all afternoon talking about how we were going to dominate the NHL. You would be the next Gretzky, and I'd change sports analytics forever."

"The world was our oyster." I sighed, with my thoughts full of bittersweet nostalgia.

When he turned toward me, Eric's expression was significantly more serious than usual. "What's really going on with you, Zig? I see through the busy summer garbage. We've been close since we were little kids. You know I can tell when something's up."

I opened my mouth, right at the edge of sharing the truth. I could say, "Eric, I think I'm gay, and it looks like Kade Langston and I are a couple," but I was still scared. My fear choked off the words before they could come out.

What I said sounded lame even to me. "It's complicated. I'm trying to figure myself out. With hockey, college, and Whistleport, there's a mess of expectations, and I don't know whether I can meet all of them."

Eric nodded. "Yep, you said that already, and you don't have to figure it all out alone. I've got your back. whatever it is. Always have and always will."

My gut twisted into knots. "I know, and I appreciate that. Being distant isn't like me."

He nudged me with his shoulder. "Hey, no worries. Just promise me when you become an NHL star, you won't forget who helped you get there."

As we headed back toward Whistleport, we talked about lighter topics—Silas's latest experiments and some of my favorite hockey kids. When we were close to the end of the trail, my phone chimed. I tugged it out of my pocket, but it caught, and I stumbled on a tree root. The phone flew out of my hand and bounced to the ground.

I lunged for it, and my heart nearly stopped when I saw a flash of a text conversation with Kade on the screen. Before I could reach the phone, Eric picked it up for me.

He started to read the message out loud:

"Can't wait for—"

I snatched the phone back as Eric's eyes opened wide. "Whoa, what's that? Since when are there winky faces in your texts?"

"It's nothing," I insisted, and heat rose in my cheeks. "I bet it's just… um… a wrong number."

Eric's brow furrowed. "Come on. I didn't just fall off the turnip truck. What's really going on?"

I wavered on the edge of confession again. The words were right there, smashed together on the tip of my tongue. Then, before I could speak, I pictured Eric's shocked expression. What if he didn't understand? What if it changed our friendship forever?

"Okay, let's make a deal. As soon as I get stuff sorted and I'm ready to talk, you'll be the first to hear about it. Promise."

He sighed, and his eyes pleaded with me, but then he backed off. "Okay. It's a deal. When you're ready, I'm here… like always."

After we hugged and said our goodbyes, I watched Eric's car disappear. I should have felt relieved, but instead I wondered what permanent damage I might have caused to our friendship.

Back at home, I trudged up the three steps to the back stoop. The old screen door creaked when I pulled it open, announcing my presence.

"Hey, welcome back," Emma called from the living room. "How was that hike with Eric? Is the world a better place now that the two of you have solved all our problems?"

When I entered the room, I found her sprawled the length of the couch with her nose in a book. "Ha," I muttered as I collapsed into Dad's favorite chair. "It was all way too complicated."

She lowered the book and squinted at me over the top of the pages. "Uh oh. Something's wrong. I can tell.

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. It was overdue for a cut. "No, I'm fine. Well, maybe not so much. I don't know."

Emma marked her place in the book and sat up. "Wow, that explained everything—not. What's going on?"

For a moment, I considered telling my little sister about Kade. Then, I thought better of it. Instead, I muddied the waters.

"Have you ever felt like you're living two separate lives? Like you're pulled in two different directions at the same time?"

Emma's eyes opened wider. "Whoa. That's deep for you. We're not just talking pucks and sticks, I assume."

I leaned back and spotted the water stain on the ceiling that had been there for at least a decade. "It's just a mess. I'm figuring out who I am, but I'm not sure that matches what everybody thinks I am. Make sense?"

"Oh, heck yeah." Emma's voice turned soft as she studied my face. It was like she could see right through me to my core. "Does this have something to do with Kade?"

I gasped audibly. "What? No, it's… no—"

"Get a grip, drama queen." She smirked at me. "Do you think I haven't noticed that ridiculous smile that shows up every time he's mentioned?"

My cheeks flushed, and I offered a weak protest. "I don't…"

"Yeah, whatever. Keep telling yourself that." Emma's tone turned gentle. "Hey, you know whatever's going on, I don't judge. You do you."

The sincerity in her voice made me want to confess everything, but I feared disappointing my parents, and Emma couldn't know without it getting to them, too. There was too much risk.

"Thanks for that. I'll let you know when I get it figured out."

She nodded and picked her book up again. "Let me know when you're done being all broody. Whoever you turn out to be, you're still my dorky big brother. Nothing will ever change that."

Unshed tears burned at the corners of my eyes. "Thanks, squirt."

When I reached my room upstairs, I flopped onto my bed. The reality of my entire situation settled over me like a heavy blanket. I had some incredible allies, but there was an entire world that still didn't know about Kade and me. Sooner or late, they'd all have to find out.

What would happen then? How would the proud Knick Knickerbocker react? Would my UMaine teammates still accept me in the locker room? And what about my hometown?

I grabbed my phone, thinking about texting Kade. Before I could type anything, I froze. What would I say?

Dropping the phone on the nightstand, I stared up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling. They were reminders of a less complicated time in my life. Before I could think much more about the potholes in my road to the future, my phone chimed.

It was a message from Kade:

"Everything okay? How was the hike with Eric?"

"It was complicated. I almost told him about us. I hate lying to my best friend."

"I get it. Whenever you decide to speak up, I'm here. We're in this together."