Chapter 1

Chapter One

Marley

“Tannen will be home in a few days.”

I inwardly groan at my mother’s voice behind me. Tannen Ledger. The neighbor boy who started out as my best friend and favorite person to hang with, but ended up being my secret, painful crush that I just never got over. Even now the sound of his name or just the thought of him has my heart beating a little faster and my cheeks turning a shade of Christmas red that even Santa would say Ho-Ho-No to!

And my mom doesn’t make it any better. She has told me for years to stop being a ‘ninny’ and ‘grab me some’. Whatever that means, I don’t think I want to try to figure it out. I’m too afraid if I ask, mom will tell me and I’ll have to have my brain scrubbed of the memory. Mom’s way of teaching me about the birds and the bees was handing me a steamy romance book and telling me not to settle for someone less than a storybook romance.

“You should ask him out while he’s in town.”

“Moooom, no. We’re not like that. We’re…just friends.” If we’re even still that. I’ve not seen him in almost two years.

“I’m just suggesting it because of all the other missed opportunities. Like Prom.”

I mouth the words before she even says them. She mentions it every chance she gets. Mom isn’t missing any opportunities to remind me of all the ones I missed.

I would have gone to my senior prom with him -as just friends- but instead, he was off at college and didn’t come home on the break for me to ask him. So, I just never went to either of them.

I always told my mom he would never go out with me because of how different we were. He was a big football star all during high school and four years older than me. He was surrounded by cheerleaders with perfect hair and perfect makeup and I’m just…a nerd. He’ll always be a winner and I’ll always be a loser. But mom just never gave up.

It was so easy to fall in love with Tannen. He was…everything. I thought he hung the moon and stars. After I entered high school, I’m not even sure if he realized I was still alive. So, I pined for him from afar. I watched him graduate and go off to college, turn down the football scholarship for an engineering degree, and I stayed friends with his mom which was kind of easy since she and my mom are really good friends. It was as close as I was ever going to get. And I am okay with that.

“He’ll be here all through Christmas and New Year’s too.”

“Oh, wonderful. Now I have a totally new reason to stay at home and not make myself look like an idiot in front of everyone.”

When Tannen left for college, I was barely starting to grow boobs, and yeah, he’s been back for a couple of holidays but most of them have been spent with his family and I’ve only seen him in passing…or through the window. He’s got to be what…? Twenty-three now. I’m nineteen so, yeah, twenty-three sounds right.

I go back to reading and try my hardest to ignore my mom’s words and all the memories that flood me when I think of him. I take a long look at myself in the mirror in the hall when I pass it and assess myself. I grew up but I don’t feel very grown up. Most days I am barely making it as an adult. I decided not to go to college because I didn’t want to be crippled with debt right out of the gate and to be truthful…I don’t have a fucking clue what I want to be.

One of the things I really wanted to do when I grew up was become a mom and wife, but I also wanted to do something else. I just don’t know what. For now, I volunteer at the library two days a week and work at the diner on the weekends. The rest of the time I write and keep mom company. I’ve been thinking of trying to get a secretarial position, but I just can’t bring myself to give up the time I use to write.

At least my boobs grew in…and kept growing it feels like some times. Just another reason Tannen wouldn’t look twice at me. My body is not cheerleader-approved. I’m pretty sure if I tried to do a cartwheel, I would smother myself before I got back on my feet, not to mention said murder objects would pop out and give the world a show.

I’m sure Tannen is dating some pretty college girl with a bright smile, goals, and a body that looks good in -and out- of anything. Hell, for all I know he might be coming home to tell his mom he’s getting married. The thought has a sour feeling sitting heavy in my belly -like heartburn. He might bring her to meet his mom. She is probably the reason he didn’t come home last year for Christmas.

I don’t think I could bear that. Knowing you’re never going to have a shot with the guy you’ve spent a good part of your life crushing on and seeing him kiss and flirt and introduce a woman to his mom while you have to sit and pretend nothing is any different is like the beginning of a Christmas horror show. God forbid if he proposes on Christmas right in front of me. I might run and never stop. I definitely won’t be able to hide the way I feel about him any longer and might ruin the proposal by bursting into uncontrollable tears. This is why I have to stay far away from Tannen until he leaves again and I can go on pretending I didn’t give him my heart years ago.