12. Pillars Of Life

TWELVE

PILLARS OF LIFE

The smell of sizzling onions wafted through the kitchen. Maggie was resting in her bed. Although she pretended to be uninterested in what I was doing by letting out an exaggerated yawn as if she were seconds away from falling asleep, I could catch her eyes darting to me whenever she thought I wasn’t looking. She was so ready to jump in and eat anything that accidentally fell to the floor.

Earlier that afternoon, I had bought everything I needed to make a vegetable lasagna like the one they served in our college cafeteria. Maybe it was a stupid idea, but somehow, I hoped Jack would like it and take it as a final confirmation that our time together meant something to me. I had been serious about what I had said. I wanted him in my life. I wanted to visit him whenever I could, call him every day, and listen to him talk about his work. Even if it wasn’t a hundred percent ideal, it was worth a try.

I ran a wooden spoon through the pan to keep the onions from burning, but from one moment to the next, the spoon felt like it weighed a ton. I hoisted it onto the cutting board next to the pan where I had already prepared carrots, zucchini, and spinach. Leaning against the kitchen counter for support, I stared at the onions.

I missed Jack already.

Even though I had only seen him nine hours ago, it felt like an eternity.

The whole day had been like that. On and off, weighing possibilities. I kept wavering between leaving Seastone for good tomorrow or at least talking to Dany, his father, or whoever was in charge of recruiting. Whenever my mind wandered to the thought of setting foot in a clinic again, my heart raced—but the same happened with the thought of leaving Jack. No matter what option I played through, it always ended in misery. If I left and started at the FDA, there would be four hundred miles between us, making a relationship nearly impossible. If I stayed here and worked as a veterinarian, there was probably a hundred percent chance that the job would drive me to the point of burnout in no time.

On top of that, I had a debt to pay off. I hadn’t even secured the position here in Seastone yet, and small-town clinics tend to pay much less than those in denser areas. The FDA job was a safe choice. I’d have regular hours, some paid time off, a decent salary, and I know my parents would be happy to have me live closer to them again.

I ran my index finger along the edge of my collar, pulling it back slightly to help me breathe.

As hard as it was. We had one night left—twelve hours to spend together and enjoy to the fullest before we had to go back to our lives.

The ring of the landline echoed through the house. Maggie lifted her head at the noise, searching my face for an answer.

“Don’t look at me like that. I don’t know who’s calling.” I dried my hands and rushed to the front door to pick it up. “Hello?”

Static was the only thing that greeted me.

“Hello?” I asked again.

“Hey, Noah.” I knew that voice all too well. “It’s Jack.”

The corners of my mouth turned up. “How’s work?”

As if the connection was slow today, it took Jack a second to answer. “Busy. Went to the grocery store three times, and with the roads only partially plowed, it took forever to get to everyone.”

“I can imagine. I don’t know how Dany drove his truck so smoothly. I glided over the road like it was ice,” I laughed.

Jack didn’t join in. “Noah?—”

Static took over again.

I pressed my ear deeper into the receiver as if that would help. “Jack? Are you still there?”

“Yes, I am.” He was breathing heavily, so much so that I could hear it through the line. “Noah, I’m... I’m at my apartment right now. I was going to take a shower and then come over.”

“Take your time. I just started cooking. It’ll be at least another forty-five minutes.”

“Please don’t hate me, Noah.”

My heart sank into my stomach.

Jack paused as if waiting for a reaction from me, but after five seconds, a sniffle broke the silence. “I think it’s best if I stay at my place tonight.”

Everything was spinning around me. The premonition I had earlier wasn’t just a figment of my imagination. Whatever we had was over. We were given one week, and that was it. Whether we saw each other tonight or not, it wouldn’t change the outcome.

I clung to the speaker as if it were him. My lips trembled. “That’s… okay,” I replied, but as soon as the words left my mouth, I knew it wasn’t. Why did he want to take this last moment away from us? I shook my head to get rid of the feeling. Forcing him to come over, if he didn’t want to, would only make things worse.

“I’m sorry, Noah.”

“No, don’t be. I’m just glad you at least let me know.”

Jack’s sniffling grew louder, leaving no doubt that he was crying. I wanted to comfort him and tell him he had nothing to be sorry for. But when I opened my mouth, my lips refused to move.

“Noah,” Jack whispered. His voice broke. “I can’t take this. I’m sorry...”

He wasn’t the only one. Why did it have to end like this? Over the damn phone? Why couldn’t we have one last chance to show each other how much this week had meant? And why did I keep silent about it? “Let me at least tell you one thing,” I forced myself to say. This was probably the last opportunity I would get. I couldn’t stay silent.

Jack didn’t answer. All I could hear were his attempts to stifle his sobs. Since he didn’t end the call, I took it as a sign that he was willing to listen to what I had to say.

“I like you, too.” Having missed the chance earlier, I had to tell him now so I could at least leave knowing he knew. “I enjoyed being snowed in with you a lot, Jack. You’re a good guy. Even though we only had this one week… I think it was the best relationship I ever had… and I’m grateful… for every second…” I gripped the console with my left hand as teardrops trickled onto the wood. How the hell could this be it? This wasn’t the sweet ending to this week I had imagined.

The other side fell silent.

“Jack?”

“I’m here…”

If only he were physically here with me.

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” he said, unable to hold back any longer. He sobbed. “I didn’t mean to make you cry… and I enjoyed being with you so much that I can’t stand the fact that it has to end at all.”

“Then why can’t we... have this one last night...?” My cries stopped me from speaking. If only we could hold each other like we did yesterday—sharing the tears and knowing it would be okay. But this? Nothing about this was okay.

“I want to stay friends, Noah, as you suggested. What am I saying? I’m sure we’ll stay friends. But in order to do that, I think I need to give the part of me that wants more some closure first. If we see each other now, I know I will say and do things that will only make it harder for both of us. I... I can’t do that. Last night was wonderful, as were all the nights before. I want to cherish what we had and not risk tarnishing that memory any more than it already is. So we actually have a chance to get to a place where it’s okay to be... just friends.”

My knees gave way. I lowered myself to the floor, the cord of the speaker now draped around my head. “So this is goodbye?”

“For now, yes… I’m sorry.”

I swallowed. “Goodbye, Jack.”

“Yeah.”

The line crackled as he hung up. My hand dropped, pulling the speaker down with it. Hot tears streamed down my cheeks into my mouth, leaving a salty taste. I buried my face in my hands and cried the way I wished I’d been able to months ago. Why does life have to be so unfair? I was only trying to do the mature thing. So why did it feel so wrong?

Maggie poked her head around the corner, taking in the hot mess I was. She tiptoed over to me and pressed her head into my knees as if she knew exactly what was happening.

She probably understood. A lot more than I did.

I had wrapped the blanket around me as tightly as I could all night, but it refused to warm me up. With my whole body shivering to the bone, I was in a constant state of being half awake and then drifting off, only to wake up three minutes later, reach for the cold, empty space next to me, and find that Jack still wasn’t there.

I questioned everything—my decisions, every word I said, whether I should leave or stay, and whether it was selfish of me to have started anything with him in the first place. I wondered if I could even be friends with him now or if that would just be cruel and make us both miserable. I didn’t know what to do anymore. My heart wanted nothing but him, but my brain kept scolding me that it was thoughtless, stupid, and immature to throw everything out the window because we happened to spend one week together.

When my alarm clock went off, I was already awake—or rather, still awake —staring at Maggie sleeping next to my bed. The beeping rumbled through the morning, causing her to twitch, lift her head, and glare at me as if the alarm was a cruel joke. I turned it off. My arms were heavy, and my head refused to leave the pillow. But there were only two hours left before the McCormacs returned.

I did what I had to do: I pushed everything to the back of my mind, showered, made coffee, and forced the last piece of toast down my throat. I took Maggie outside and wiped her paws on the way back in so as not to dirty the floor that Jack had so meticulously cleaned the day before. I bribed her with the last of the dog biscuits to let me give her the ear drops one last time and cuddled with her so long that I started packing my things only a minute before the McCormacs pulled up in the driveway.

I rushed down the stairs and found Maggie at the door, her head tilted to the side and her tail wagging like a propeller.

“You know who’s out there, don’t you?”

Maggie barked and circled me, impatient for me to finally allow her to be reunited with the people she already knew were on the other side. I grabbed her by the collar and opened the door.

No matter how much snow there was, as soon as she saw her pet parents getting out of their car, she lunged forward with such energy that she nearly broke free. She whimpered, yelped, and barked to let them know she was there, waiting for them. I would have let her go if I hadn’t been afraid she would either run out into the street or knock one of them down.

“Well, who is that ?” Mrs. McCormac asked, waving her head from side to side with a big smile. “Is that Maggie? Our Maggie?” She threw the car door shut and trudged through the snow.

“Welcome back,” I said to her, tightening my grip on Maggie’s collar. “Looks like someone missed you a lot.”

Mrs. McCormac used the handrail to steady herself. When she reached the top of the porch, she leaned down and took Maggie in her arms. “Oh, we missed you too, little Maggie.”

I finally let go of the collar and let them greet each other.

Mr. McCormac opened the trunk, his arms shaking as he lifted one of their suitcases. I jumped past Maggie and Mrs. McCormac and rushed over to him. “Please, let me help you with this.”

“I appreciate it,” he said, stepping aside to let me do all the work.

I hadn’t noticed it when I arrived nine days ago because everything went so fast, but the two of them were more frail than I remembered.

“Go ahead. I’ll be happy to bring them in for you.”

“You know what? I will not say no to that offer. Thank you.” He laughed from the bottom of his chest and shuffled toward the house. “I don’t know why we thought an overnight flight back would be a smart idea, but let me tell you, when you get to my age, you can’t sleep well in a strange bed, let alone an airplane.”

While they settled back into their home, I carried the suitcases inside. It didn’t take a second before the house was busier than I’d ever seen it. Mrs. McCormac immediately turned on the radio and got the laundry going while Mr. McCormac brewed some tea. Maggie rushed between the three of us, unable to decide who she wanted to spend time with.

I asked them how their trip was, and instead of a minute of small talk, they spent an hour telling me every detail of their journey. At first, I wasn’t eager to listen, but the longer they reminisced, the more I welcomed the opportunity to not have to make a decision about whether or not to go on the road. As they spoke with new life in their eyes, I understood why Jack had told me he sometimes felt that talking to his clients was more his job than what they actually paid him to do.

Eventually, they asked how everything went here, and I praised Maggie and our time together. I told them about the blizzard and confessed that Jack had stayed at the house, too, figuring it wouldn’t remain a secret for long in a town like this anyway. They didn’t mind. They were just happy that we were okay and that they weren’t around for all that snow.

After another ten minutes of pleasantries, I could finally excuse myself and pack up the rest of my belongings.

I hoisted my duffel down the stairs, backpack slung over my shoulders, and found Maggie with her back against the front door, blocking my way.

“Looks like she doesn’t want you to go,” Mr. McCormac called from the kitchen.

I set the bag on the floor and crouched in front of Maggie. I ran my fingers behind her ears, scratching them to see the cheerful face she always made one last time. “You’ve been a very good girl. It was a pleasure meeting you.” I leaned close and whispered, “And thank you for keeping everything I did with Jack a secret.”

Mr. McCormac came up behind me with an envelope in his hand. “This, young man, is for you. There’s a little extra in there for all the trouble with the blizzard and for taking such good care of our beloved Maggie.”

“It was my pleasure. Thank you for entrusting her and your house to me. I know it must be difficult to have a complete stranger take care of your home.”

“To be honest, I was a little skeptical when we first talked because it made little sense that you would go to vet school just to apply for a job as a dog and house sitter, but talking to you on the phone made it clear that you are a trustworthy man.”

“Ask him if he’s heard of Dorian’s clinic?” Mrs. McCormac called from the kitchen.

Mr. McCormac raised his head a little as if he needed a second to figure out what his wife was talking about but then nodded when the penny dropped. “Oh, right. You heard my wife! Did you hear they’re looking for a new vet here in town?”

“I did,” I said, but before I could think of any words to get out of the conversation, my head dropped to my chest.

Mr. McCormac knitted his brows. “But?”

My stomach churned. I shrugged because I didn’t have an answer that would probably satisfy him. Heck, I didn't even have an answer that would satisfy me .

He leaned in slightly to hear me better. “What is it, young man?” He shifted his weight from his left leg to his right, but then he groaned, his hand rushing to his hip. “These damn airplane seats.”

I took a step closer, raising my hands to catch him if he fell, but he waved me off, turned around, and walked over to the couch to sit on the back.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Even with my back, I’m probably better than you are right now.” He smiled at me again. “What’s on your mind, son? You suddenly have a face like a wet weekend.”

My chest rose as I inhaled as much air as my lungs would hold. What the hell was I doing? Why was I still here? Why didn’t I just say goodbye, go to my car and drive away?

I couldn’t possibly tell him what was going on. How I spent all last night thinking about staying and applying, not because I was eager to work as a vet again but because I couldn’t stop thinking about Jack. How I wanted to use any excuse I could find to stay, just to spend more time with him because he was the best thing that had happened to me in years. As much as I needed to talk to someone about it, the old straight guy whose dog I'd been taking care of didn't seem like a wise choice.

I glared at Mr. McCormac, a welcoming smile on his face.

Damn it.

“I’ve heard about the open position, yes. I’ve even thought about applying, if I’m honest, but...” I wetted my lips. “Have you ever been in a situation where you faced an impossible decision, where all the options you had felt right and wrong in some way?” There. I did it. I asked the stranger for advice. For the record, I only told him what was going on because I didn't have a better option. If I had called my parents about it, they would have freaked out as soon as I told them I was thinking about quitting another job before I had even started.

He crossed his legs and put his hands on his knees. “What do you mean by wrong ?”

“Like they come with a high risk and an impossible-to-know outcome? But all the options are like that?”

“I understand.” He clasped his hands together. “Of course, I have. More often than I wanted to.”

“What do you do in such a situation?”

“Do you really want to know? The truth isn’t very pleasant.”

Of course, I did. “Please,” I begged him.

“Okay, I will tell you. But first, answer me one more question, Noah. Why are you reluctant to apply to Dorian’s clinic? You wouldn’t be so upset if it wasn’t a viable option.”

“I already have another job lined up.”

“ Oh , I see.” He nodded knowingly. His eyes narrowed. “Okay. Let me summarize what I’ve gathered: You already have a job that seemed like a good solution at the time. It’s not your dream job, but it’s a safe choice, maybe because it’s close to the people you love. Now you’ve found out about the possibility of working as a veterinarian here, the dream job, but it’s in a place like Seastone, a boring little town where opportunities are rare and far away from friends and family. Does that sound right?”

It was a little more complicated and basically the other way around, but close enough, so I nodded.

“Okay. So let me tell you first, I can’t decide anything for you. Nor can anyone else. That we’re alive to make our own decisions is the greatest privilege we humans have. But I can tell you this ...” Mr. McCormac leaned a little closer. He cleared his throat, raised his palm in front of him, clenched it into a fist, and then opened his hand again as if to release the air he had just encased. “In your case, the decision has nothing to do with the job.”

My head snapped forward. “Huh?” He couldn’t be serious.

Mr. McCormac chuckled at my reaction. “Before you jump down an old man’s throat, let me explain this thought.” He patted the couch next to him to indicate that I should sit down.

We had come this far. I might as well hear him out. I sighed, walked over, and sat down.

He cleared his throat. ”Even though we are sometimes led to believe otherwise, a job itself is only a means to an end. What’s important in life are the things we love and cherish: our relationships, our integrity, our freedom, our soul, and our body. Taking care of these pillars, as you might call them, so that we can enjoy ourselves for as long as possible is the hardest task we face in life. Every big decision we make should be in order to maintain them.” He glanced at his wife, who was busy in the kitchen, peeling potatoes and whistling to a song on the radio. “You can have the best job in the world, which means nothing if it separates you from the people you love. Just as the most delicious sweets aren’t worth it if they destroy your health. Sure, personal growth is essential—and picking the right education and job falls under that category—but as far as I can tell, you’ve got that covered either way.” He turned back to me. “If you don’t know what to choose, ask yourself what is truly important to you, what you genuinely love , and what makes life worth living for you . That should be the basis of every decision you make. If you want a healthy body, eat healthy food, even if it’s maybe a little less tasty. If you care about someone, take the job that allows you to be with that person, even if it comes with a grain of salt. When you see most things for what they are, a means to an end, it becomes easier to choose.” He winked at me and pushed himself up with a groan. “I hope this has helped you in some way, but I must find a proper place to sit now.” He walked into the kitchen and dropped into the nearest chair.

Mrs. McCormac was still at the counter, peeling potatoes as if they hadn’t gotten back only an hour ago. She looked at her husband. “What is it, dear?”

“I’m never getting on a plane again.”

“You said the same thing to me last year.” She put down the potato peeler and walked over to him, putting her hands on his shoulders. “It’ll be better tomorrow.”

While his explanation was a little too simple for my situation, it still made a lot of sense.

My decision wasn’t about the job. It wasn’t about my debt. It was about my health and the relationship I had built with Jack.

If I left now, I could still burn out. There was no guarantee that the FDA job would be good for me and my mental health. But if I stayed, I would have Jack. He alone was worth fighting for. He was worth the risk. If he wasn’t, it wouldn’t feel so wrong to leave now. I wouldn’t have to find solutions to all the problems we might face before they even arise. Because if I stay, we can look for them together. Why couldn’t I have seen this before?

Mrs. McCormac patted her husband on the shoulder and then walked over to me. “I want to thank you for a job well done, too.”

“Can I ask you a favor?” I said. I had to take the last straw to make things right again. “Do you have Jack’s phone number? I misplaced the business card he gave me.”

“Oh, sure,” she replied, pointing to the pinboard above their landline. “It’s right there.”

I spotted it in the lower right corner, just below a postcard with pictures of the Maldives. It had been there all along, right in front of my nose.

I took out my phone and snapped a picture. “Thank you,” I said to her. “For the number and the chance you gave me.”

She smiled at me. My eyes wandered to Mr. McCormac, waving at me from the kitchen table and then to Maggie, sitting next to him, enjoying a few strokes.

“Well, it’s time to go,” I said, holding up the envelope as if to say that now that I had my money, I didn’t want to hang around any longer.

All three of them escorted me to the porch to say goodbye. “If you’re ever in town again, stop by for tea,” Mr. McCormac said as he shook my hand.

I patted Maggie one last time. Her head was down, and she wouldn’t even look at me, but as soon as I walked away, she broke free from Mrs. McCormac’s grip and followed me through the snow to my car. When Mr. McCormac came running, she refused to go back in, and only when I walked back with her did she listen. We said goodbye for the third time, and I left their house alone.

As soon as I got behind the wheel, I pulled out my phone, saved Jack’s number in my contacts, and called him. My legs and chest were shaking. It rang three times before I finally heard his voice.

“Hey,” he said.

A million thoughts raced through my mind. The things we had experienced, the conversation with Mr. McCormac, and how my heart was beating faster just imagining his face. It was so overwhelming that instead of speaking, tears rolled down my chin. I opened my mouth five times, trying to form a sentence, but all I could get out were sobs.

Jack listened patiently, and when I calmed down a bit, he sniffled as well. “Take your time. I swear I won’t hang up.”

“I didn’t call just to cry into the phone. Promise.” A laugh mixed with my sobs. “I’m sorry.”

“Believe me, I understand.”

I rocked back and forth in my seat. “I... Jack, I... Can we please talk? In person?” He didn’t answer within three seconds, so I continued. “I thought you were right that it would be better if we didn’t spend another night together because that would only make it harder for us to say goodbye today, just like I thought I was okay with leaving. I’m not. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to be ‘just friends’ with you, and I don’t want to say goodbye at all.”

“But what about your job at the FDA, and?—”

“I don’t care about that. I care about you. It’s ridiculous and stupid, I know, but damn it… I freaking like you. Like I never liked anyone before. So much so that I decided to worry about the other things later. You are what I want. You make me feel good. You make me laugh and feel joy. I would rather spend my life making you feel the same way than do the adult thing and work a stupid job I don’t care about. I want to spend more days with you. And nights. All of them. I want to cook your favorite meals and wash your hair. When you’re sad, I want to cry with you, and when you’re happy, I want to laugh with you. I want to adopt a dog, a cat, and a damn alpaca with you. I want to be with you. The rest doesn’t matter. It will fall into place somehow.”

His cries now filled the line. It took him a minute, but I waited as patiently as he did. “I don’t want to say goodbye either, Noah,” he sobbed.

“Then, can we please meet? To see if there’s a way out that doesn’t mean we’ll never see each other again?”

“I’m still at work?—”

“Doesn’t matter. I’ll wait until you’re done. How long? Five, six, ten hours?”

It took him another five seconds. “Do you want to come to my place in an hour?”

There was only one answer I could give.