10. New Year

TEN

NEW YEAR

The air stood still. For the first time in days, it had stopped snowing. The night covered the city in darkness, leaving only a handful of yellow, orange, and white lights glimmering in neighboring houses.

Who knew how the other people had spent their time in isolation?

Maggie stuck her snout in the snow where the steps leading down from the porch to the front yard would normally be visible if not for the frozen bliss. Realizing her mistake, she snorted and pulled it back quickly, a white glaze now covering her nostrils. Her head jerked from side to side, but the cold punishment wouldn’t come off, no matter how hard she tried.

I crouched down to free her from her misery, and as soon as I wiped her clean, her tail stood up. She pushed her head between my legs and gave me some of her warmth as a thank-you for helping her. My hands brushed all over her fluffy fur.

Four and a half hours ago, the weather service had announced the blizzard’s end. I was just trying to put together some sort of dinner with the leftover scraps from my shopping trip a week ago. So, in that regard, the news came at a good time. While the last few days had been a carefree mix of snow, cuddling with Maggie, snuggling under a blanket with Jack, the cowboy boyfriends, and reminiscing about college, it was all now overshadowed by the inevitable end of our time together. Sure, they asked everyone to stay put for the night, which gave Jack and me a chance for one last respite. But in the morning, they would start plowing the roads so we could get back to our lives.

The itching on my neck had been back ever since. At first, the skin only twitched a little, but the more the realization set in that this would mean the end of Jack’s and my unplanned home, the more my neck itched.

I scratched so hard that my fingers were bloody before I could finish dinner. I had rushed to the sink to wash it off before Jack noticed so as not to worry him, but there was no hiding.

“Be gentle with yourself,” he said, coming up behind me.

“Sorry,” I replied.

He pulled the hem of my shirt away to inspect the wound, rushed to the bathroom, and returned with a wet handkerchief and a first-aid kit. He sat me down on the table and took care of the wound, gently cleaning and drying it before putting on the band-aid.

Now, four hours later, it was still there, protecting the wound from my scarf rubbing over it as Maggie and I cuddled in the cold.

“How do I tell him I don’t want this to end?” I said to her as if she could understand.

She pressed her body closer to mine, her head grinding so hard against my legs that I fell over. I threw my right hand behind me to steady myself on the floor.

Although Maggie acknowledged my struggle to stay on my feet with a bark, she continued to crawl deeper between my legs.

Perhaps this was her answer to my question. Maybe this was her way of telling me to show Jack exactly how I felt—to crawl into his arms and make it clear that these couldn’t be the last hours we had together.

If only I could have stayed in Seastone. I wished I didn’t have to go to Glenn’s Creek in two days, move back in with my parents until I found my own place, and start working at the FDA. It had little to do with the job I once loved anyway. I wouldn’t have minded trading it all for more time with Jack. If I could have paid off my student loans by fooling around with him, I would have stayed in a heartbeat. Still, this didn’t have to be over. Jack and I could do something long-distance. Or at least remain friends and visit each other.

A wail as Maggie lost control of her feet and plunged headfirst into the snow again brought me back to reality. My hands darted underneath her and pulled her back to her feet. Her fur looked like she had tried on a polar bear costume.

“I got you.” I brushed my palms over her, removing as much snow as I could.

Her body shook, her mane flailing about. She couldn’t stop growling as she trudged the five feet to the door.

I turned the knob and was greeted by a recording of an orchestra playing old-fashioned romantic music. Jack’s head whipped around. He was crouched next to the Christmas tree, the door of the sideboard under the TV open to reveal a spinning record player.

He laughed when he noticed Maggie. “What happened?” He rushed over to us, grabbing Maggie’s paw towel on the way.

“A lot of snow combined with a little recklessness,” I replied.

While I slipped out of my boots and jacket, he took care of her paws and fur. His eyes lit up as he cleaned her, letting me see the flame in him that once made him want to be a veterinarian. He was as gentle with her as ever, though Maggie wasn’t having it. She let Jack rub the towel over her, but as soon as he was done, she plodded off to the kitchen, clearly needing some time alone.

Jack hung the towel over the shoe rack and hurried into the bathroom. The sound of the faucet running for thirty seconds echoed through the house. I got rid of the second sweater I wore every time I went out with Maggie and climbed onto the couch.

The music was infused with warm cracks that only a vinyl record has.

As he joined me back in the living room, Jack pointed to the record player. “I hope that was okay.”

“I love it,” I replied, even though the music was making me more sentimental than I already was.

He walked around the couch and positioned himself three feet away from me, his left arm raised while his right wrapped around an imaginary hip. “Care for a dance?” His cheeks turned red. After all these days, after everything we’d done, he still blushed.

My eyes wandered to his feet and then to his smile as I stood up and stepped into his arms. “Just a heads up. I don’t know how to dance to this.”

“Neither do I.” He put his right hand on my hip and pulled me close. He swayed his hips left and right, guiding me to match the rhythm of the music.

For three minutes, we surrendered to the ballad. We didn’t know what we were doing, but we did it in sync.

I rested my chin on his collarbone. “I can’t remember the last time I danced.”

He leaned his cheek against mine as he kept us swaying. “We probably wouldn’t win a contest, but we’re not bad.”

“No, we’re not.”

My fingers felt comfortable lying in his, my hips warm. This wasn’t just our bodies dancing. Even if we had stopped moving, our souls would still sway together.

I closed my eyes. They were a little more watery than I would have liked. What were we doing here? Should this be a time to enjoy the moment, or should we talk about the future?

“Noah,” Jack said, his voice soft. “I hate to think this is coming to an end. It’s strange after spending so much time together.”

“We truly had a good rhythm. You made Seastone feel like home.”

For a minute, we twirled around each other to the music, letting our words sink in.

“What are you going to do when the McCormacs come back?” Jack finally asked. He pressed his cheek against mine as if to make sure we didn’t have to look at each other.

I was afraid to tell him. Saying it out loud made it all more real. But there was no way around it. No matter how much I wished this could go on forever, it wouldn’t happen. “I’ll drive down to Glenn’s Creek on the second. I’m starting a new job there.”

“Finally working as a vet?”

“No,” I replied. I could have lied to him, kept the conversation short, and moved on. We had managed so well not to talk about it until now, but somehow, I wanted him to know. For the first time, I actually felt comfortable enough to bring it up. “Dad pulled some strings and got me a job at the FDA. I’m going to be part of a team that enforces government policies. In short, a lot of desk work. Nothing I look forward to.”

“You don’t sound very excited.”

“Well, it will pay off my student loans.” I sighed. “I had to do the adult thing at some point and not chase dreams too heavy for my tiny shoulders.”

“That doesn’t sound right.”

“But that is the plan.” My voice cracked.

Jack stopped moving his hips but still kept me close to his chest. “When I met you in college, you were the most enthusiastic person I had ever met about becoming a veterinarian. It made me feel like my own ambitions were childish. Now that you’ve graduated and just watching you with Maggie, it’s clear that you were born to do this job.” Jack swallowed. He took a deep breath and held it for a second before exhaling slowly. “I know there are tons of openings. So why didn’t you apply for them?”

A tingle ran down my neck. “It’s hard to explain,” I said, pausing as the words caught in my throat. I wanted to tell him. If there was anyone who could understand, it would be him. But... every time I’ve tried to explain before, all I’ve gotten is raised eyebrows. My words never seemed to be enough. I gasped for air. I tried to suppress it, but my chest was shaking no matter how hard I tried.

His hands wrapped around me tighter than before. “I’m not asking to judge you. I simply want to understand.” His voice was now shaking as well.

The music continued for two choruses as I let him hold me.

“I was tired,” I finally said. “I still am.” I had to get it over with. Not only for him but for my sake as well. I couldn’t let it consume me. “The work hours, the physical work, the constant emotional pressure—it was all too much for me. I don’t know if I just imagined myself always cuddling animals, but...” I shook my head. “After I graduated, during the residency program, I... I completely lost myself. I was constantly working. A lot of overtime. When I came home, I was too exhausted to take a shower or eat. I would just fall into bed and wake up ten hours later, sweating from nightmares and still feeling tired. Whenever I had a day off, I didn’t go out with friends because... I didn’t have any. All the contacts on my phone were coworkers, family, who lived hundreds of miles away, and deactivated numbers of former college classmates. Not that it mattered. I didn’t even have the energy to go outside. When I knew I had a day off, I looked forward to spending it all in bed, which I did. One day—luckily, in the last week of the residency program—I stood at my front door, holding the knob, but couldn’t turn it. An hour later, one of the assistants called and asked if I was sick, which I confirmed. I wanted to cry, but instead, I sat with my back against the door, not knowing if I could ever walk through it again. The next morning, I almost had to beat myself up to go to the clinic. I finished the week because it was so close to the end, but... I realized I couldn’t go on like this anymore. I turned down a job I had lined up at a clinic in Raleigh. I locked myself in my apartment. My parents found out about a month later and were furious. They tried to talk some sense into me, but at the time, I wouldn’t listen. Well, the rest is history. To be honest, now that I have some distance, I can say that I still love being a vet. But if I keep going at this pace, I don’t think I’ll make it to my thirties.”

Jack held his breath. His chin pressed deep into my shoulder as he enveloped me. “I’m so sorry, Noah, that this happened to you.”

I let myself fall into his arms. Their comfort was exceeded only by his words. Why couldn’t my family see it this way? Why did it have to be someone who was almost a stranger a week ago?

“It’s not like I want to give up on this dream forever. I have worked so hard. It can’t be for nothing.” My lips trembled. My chest shook. I wanted to cry, but not a single tear left my head, no matter how hard I squeezed my eyes shut as I clung to Jack’s chest. “It feels so unfair. They told me that if I worked hard enough, my efforts would be rewarded. With what? Not being able to sleep? Three hundred thousand dollars in student debt? My parents berating me like I was just lazy? A meaningless desk job I had to take because my legs tremble every time I think about doing what I used to love? This feels so unfair .”

“I hear you.” Jack planted a soft kiss on my head. “It is unfair, Noah. I’m so sorry.”

I lifted my head and looked at him. “Thank you for listening and not judging me.”

“Why would I judge you?”

His gentle smile made me want to melt. How could he be so kind and understanding? How could I be so lucky that I met him again? And why does it have to end this soon already? Our lips met in a soothing kiss. My situation wasn’t any different, but it felt less of a burden now.

I smiled at him as our lips parted. “Well, that’s the whole truth about how I ended up with the FDA job. I needed to do the adult thing. Pay off my debts and move on somehow. So the desk job it was.”

“Thank you for sharing this with me. It means a lot that you trust me so much.”

“Of course I trust you. You’ve been nothing but kind to me.”

I stared into his eyes, wondering if his story was similar to mine. Was it okay to ask? We had already proven that we could be vulnerable with each other. If there was ever a time for vulnerability, it was now. “Why didn’t you become a vet?”

He looked off into the distance before looking back at me and shaking his head. “This evening has been sad enough.” His eyebrows knitted together. “It doesn’t matter.”

The thing I was most certain of about Jack was that he always looked out for others while not considering himself as equally important. Whatever he was hiding had to weigh heavily on his shoulders.

“It’s your life. Of course, it matters. Just by looking at you, I know you’re still hurting. I don’t care if it’s sad.”

Jack pressed his lips into a thin line and tilted his head to the side as if his eyes were a bucket of water that would overflow if he wasn’t careful.

I grabbed his head and pulled him to my shoulder for a change. “I can only offer to listen like you did for me. But if you really don’t want to talk, we can... just be .”

Even though Jack had allowed me to guide his chin to my collarbone, there was still some resistance in his neck. It took half a minute for it to melt away. “I like to ‘ just being’ with you,” he said, dipping his nose deeper into me.

“Me too.”

Another minute of silence and holding each other before he lifted his head just enough for his mouth to be free to speak. “I still remember the dog that gave me my love for animals. It was my aunt’s border collie, Lucky. Whenever we went to her house, I would play with Lucky for hours until I was so tired that I fell asleep in his fur—every single time. I loved the dog so much that I wanted to visit her every weekend. I became so obsessed that my parents stopped taking me for over a month to calm me down. So you can imagine what a shock it was when we went the next time, and Lucky wasn’t there. He had gone to a better place, they told me, and I didn’t understand. What place could be better than my aunt’s house? She had a big backyard with the woods right behind it. She loved the dog more than I think she loved our family. It made no sense to me. I cried for an hour when we got home that night. But young as I was, I let it go eventually. At least Lucky was happy, I told myself.”

He took a deep breath and collected himself. I got it. I could already sense that we weren’t even close to what was eating him up.

He cleared his throat. “A few days later, I started asking why we couldn’t adopt a dog, but that was quickly shut down when my dad told me he was allergic. I was so depressed that my mom had an idea. There was an animal shelter in town, and they had a program where, every Sunday, you could take one of the rescued dogs for an hour’s walk so they didn’t spend all their time in their cages. It was probably more to allow people to see if they could maybe connect with the animal, but still, even though we never adopted one, it was a good thing.”

“At least the dogs got a little bit of love.”

“Exactly. I walked all of them as if they were my own. Bruno, Jasper, Lucy... I still remember their names because after I came a few times, they seemed to remember me and were just as happy to see me as I was. I...” Jack paused for a moment. “I was so happy when I came, and one of them was gone, and they told me they’d gone to a better place. ” His voice broke. “I didn’t understand that sentence until I was twenty-two, and I feel so stupid for it.”

His chest shook as he breathed heavily, trying to hold back the tears. He pressed his palms deep into me, clinging to my body as if trying to hold on to the memories of the lost dogs.

“When… when I was older, I started volunteering at the shelter to do a little more than just walk the dogs. They had a vet they worked with, and soon, I was thinking about it as a career. I researched it with my mom, applied, got in, and was on the fast track to becoming a veterinarian. I joined a pre-vet club, worked in animal care, and continued to volunteer at the shelter. The vet then offered to let me shadow him and do an internship while I finished my undergraduate degree. Vet schools love that, so of course, I took him up on it. In the beginning, it was even better than I thought it would be. Lots of work for the shelter, local stables, and farmers, but also office hours for pet owners. I met a lot of nice people and their cute cats, dogs, hamsters and so on. It was a Wednesday in the sixth week of my internship. One of the dogs, an old Labrador, was already very slow when his owner, a very sweet man in his seventies, brought him in. It was obvious that the only thing they had was each other. The dog was nearly blind, incontinent, and would only eat if fed. Only two options: very expensive drugs that wouldn’t do more than suppress the pain, or...” He shook his head.

“Oh, Jack.” I held him as close as I could.

Tears rolled down his face, and no more words were needed. This was one of the sad truths of the profession. It wasn’t an everyday thing, but something that could weigh heavily on our minds.

I tried to rest my eyes on the Christmas tree lights, but my vision also became blurred, so I closed them.

“I watched the whole thing, Noah. I watched the old man cry over his dog’s last breath, and it wasn’t until he said, ‘Well, he’s gone to a better place now,’ that I understood those words. It was like the sky crashed down on me. All the dogs I loved... they were all gone , forever. After the old man left, the vet told me I had to get used to it. It was only a matter of time before I would do something like this. But I couldn’t, Noah. That day, my dream died with all those dogs.”

Jack cried in my arms.

I tried my best to keep my composure, but after a minute, I was crying too. I felt his sadness with him as he felt mine with me. It was hard but cleansing at the same time. I didn’t know how long it took, but eventually, the tears stopped, like everything else.

We simply swayed in each other’s arms like trees in the wind. Our breaths became the new music to which we danced.

After five minutes of not crying and just being together, Jack lifted his head and looked at me. His eyes were red, but they seemed relieved. A small smile played on his lips as he looked at the record player. “Shall we turn the music back on?”

“How late is it?” I asked. “We’re going to miss midnight if we don’t turn on the TV.”

“All the more reason to keep listening to Side B.” He let go of me and hopped over to the sideboard to turn the record to the other side.

The crackling started again, and after three seconds, the orchestra filled the room with a slow, romantic mood.

Jack jumped back to me and lifted his arm again so we could get back into our dancing position. I put my hand in his and my arm around his hips.

“Before I forget to tell you, Jack,” I said as we moved to the music. “I want to thank you—not just for opening up but for this entire week. Spending this time with you has been... wonderful. I wish it could go on forever.”

Jack smiled at me. “I enjoyed it, too.”

As I stared into his wide eyes, I wished for nothing more than for him to ask me to stay here in Seastone with him. But life wasn’t one of Mrs. Candice’s books. We weren’t two cowboys who could do whatever they wanted. It just didn’t work that way. He had a job to get back to. I had to pay off my debts. It was better to leave it at that for now.

He brought his lips to mine and kissed me. Not as deep as when the two cowboys were finally reunited. This wasn’t that moment. This was the moment before reality was about to hit us in the face and tear us apart.

If I hadn’t known that our time together was going to end in less than twenty hours, I would have told Jack that I loved him . That was how I truly felt.

I laid my head on Jack’s chest again.

The moment was fleeting, but it was still there. Once the storm was over, I had enough time to cry.

We swayed left and right.

“I love this song, even though I’ve never heard it before,” Jack said.

I lifted my head from his chest and looked into his eyes. They were so warm and full of compassion for me. Everything in me wanted to believe that this was his way of letting me know he loved me, too. But that he couldn’t say it, just like I couldn’t.

We smiled at each other like two love-drunk fools.

“I love it, too,” I whispered.

It didn’t matter that the words remained unspoken. It was probably for the best because it would only make whatever came when we woke up tomorrow harder.

As the song reached its climax, we kissed once more, and as the silence between the two pieces fell, we leaned our foreheads against each other.

A single trumpet announced the beginning of a new song.

We danced through the rest of the set without saying another word. Only when fireworks lit up the sky above Seastone did we realize it was midnight.

My head was still on his chest, even though the record had ended five minutes earlier. But as the distant boom of the pyrotechnics someone had shot into the sky rippled through the night, we let go of each other.

“I guess it’s time,” Jack said. “Happy New Year, Noah.”

I smiled at him, not because I was happy but because I hoped it would cheer us up. He glanced at my lips. It took him three seconds to copy my expression.

“Happy New Year,” I whispered back.