Chapter Eleven

Istand in front of the mirror, making sure I pin my hair back so that it won't poke out from underneath my platok. This Sunday marks our return to Liturgy. Lenya is taking me early so I can have a private confession with Father Ireni. Well, more like so we can both confess. While I have been getting ready, I've been trying to wrap my head around confessing to not only the murder of my mother but also to Ivan's.

I feel absolutely no remorse for what I have done. I feel irritated more than anything, having to confess that my justice is sinful. This morning, while lying in bed, I tried talking through everything with Lenya. He chuckles when I try to explain my feelings of being vindicated. "Tsvetok (Flower), you don't owe me any explanations," he says. "I won't ever judge your sense of justice."

Lenya is waiting for me by the front door, holding my bag and my platok in his hands. He hands me my platok and a smile sneaks onto his face. "Chto? (What?)" I ask.

He sighs. "You look fucking gorgeous." He moves closer and puts his hand on my belly. I have a nicely rounded bump at twenty-seven weeks. "I love seeing you like this. You round with our growing syn. If you let me, I am going to give you so many babies, Lina." He licks his lips. I know exactly what moy lev (my lion) is thinking before he even makes his move. His hand move from my belly and travels downward.

"After service, malysh (baby)," I swat his hand away, "fasting before communion means from sex too." I tie my platok back and playfully push him towards the door.

"Like every married couple actually follows that ancient rule," Lenya grumbles, making his way to the car. He holds my door open for me and once I am in he closes the door. I watch him talk to himself as her crosses the front of the car. It makes me giggle to see him so worked up, so needy Moy Lev (my lion) has become. The way he pouts makes me smile and ache with desire. Once inside the car he turns to me. "You really think married couples don't fuck before Liturgy?"

I can't help but laugh.

His hand caresses my thigh the entire way to the church. By the time he parks the car, my panties are a soaking mess. Lenya gets out of the car and opens my door, helping me out. "Come, Tsvetok (Flower). Let us go confess our sins," he says in a mocking voice, "Then I can take you home and dirty you up again." We make our way up the church steps. I am giving myself the biggest pep talk to get myself through this.

Father Ireni is in the Narthex, lighting candles, a smile on my face as I make my way to him. "Khoroshaya sila (Good Strength) Vladyka (Father)!."

He turns, and he takes us in. "Kalina, you look lovely! Pregnancy suits you. Leonid, you seem to be doing well. It"s a relief to see that everything has worked out. Come, we will have confession in my office."

Lenya leans down into my ear and whispers, "Do you want to go first, moya lyubov (my love)?" I nod.

He takes a seat on the bench outside of Father's office as I walk inside. Father is waiting for me in front of the Icon of Christ. I take a deep breath and walk over. "Would you rather sit, Kalina? Leonid shared a few details with me of what occurred. Whatever you need to be comfortable, please."

"I'll stand Father," I say.

"Confess your sins to Christ, Kalina." Father bows his head, and I begin.

"I killed my mother," I confess, my voice but a whisper of sound, "it all happened so fast. All the years of abuse and torment came crashing down on me in that moment. She was trying to run away from the responsibility of my sister. I couldn"t let her escape after abandoning and neglecting me all these years. The years she let my father beat me. All the hurt that has consumed me, I just couldn"t let her walk away."

I pause gathering my wits. "I'm not sorry, Vladyka (Father)," I repeat, my tone unwavering. "I know that absolution cannot be given to me, and I've made peace with that. Death was rightfully hers. I took Ivan's life as well. He raped me. I feel nothing but …vindication." The tears are streaming down my face. These are not tears of sadness, but of joy. "I am happy they are dead. They don't deserve to live free from the pain they caused me."

Father Ireni lets out a long, drawn-out breath. "Kalina, God is merciful, and you deserve absolution. Not everything in this world is black and white, sometimes it is grey. Now, I"m not advocating for you to become a murderer. This is between you and our Lord. My suggestion to you is to spend more time in prayer. Please kneel."

I carefully kneel, and Father says the prayer, granting me the absolution I know I do not deserve. I use the chair next to us to help get up from the floor. "Will you have Leonid come in?" I acknowledge his request with a smile and nod before heading towards the door.

"Muzh (Husband), it's your turn," I say, popping my head outside the door.

Lenya helps me sit down on the bench before entering Father's office. I am left alone with my thoughts while he gives his confession. After a few minutes, I decide to enter the Nave for prayer. Candles in hand, I head to our favorite icon, Saint Anna. I take a moment and pray for direction from the Mother of the Theotokos.

Saint Anna intercede for us. Is this who I am now? Am I too corrupted to be in God's favor? Am I wrong to have delivered justice myself, rather than letting authorities do it?

The sound of my chuckle echoes off the walls as I finish my prayer with a smile. Whether it was me or Lenya who killed him, Ivan's fate was inevitable. There was no escape from death for him. I pray for Lenya's mother. Even though I never got to meet her, I feel connected to her. I also say a prayer for Alina. My true feelings of regret are for her. It was wrong that her life had to end. In all that has transpired it never occurred to me to ask what happened to her body. I feel guilty and make a mental note to ask Lenya about her.

Lenya slips into the Nave, catching my attention out of the corner of my eye. As he approaches me, he crosses himself in a gesture of reverence. "There you are, malyshka (baby). I wondered where you went," he says as we head to the center of the room for Matin"s start. He kisses my hand and I head to the women's side. We stand near each other but on opposite sides of the room.

Matin's begins and I am now back in my element. But it"s as if the world seems to have shifted, and now everything feels different. The calmness of the Liturgy I once felt has dissipated, and I feel nothing but out of place now. Before I can give it more thought, a hand grabs my elbow, startling me. I turn and Mila is there, holding Alexei. I throw my arms around her and place a kiss on the top of Alexei's head.

"You're okay and here. I didn't think I would see you back so soon." Mila says, elated to see me.

I hold my arms out to take Alexei from her so she can get herself situated. I look into the eyes of my beautiful godson. "Malen'kiy angelochek tetushki (Auntie's little angel)," I coo at him. While Oleg talks with Lenya, his gaze remains fixed on me. We can"t wait for our syn to arrive.

The service feels so long today, that my mind wanders constantly. I keep staring at the cathedra. When my eyes drift over to Lenya, he immediately meets my gaze. I don't think he has taken his eyes off me since Mila handed Alexei to me. His tongue darts out to moisten his lips, and all I can think of is how I badly want them on my skin. I bring his attention to the cathedra and look back at him, biting my lower lip.

Lenya's gaze hardens, and then a devilish smirk crosses his face. Accomplishing what I set out to do, I turn back to Father Ireni as he gets ready to serve communion. Lenya and I meet each other in the aisle, his hand lightly touching the small of my back. I turn back to Mila, ready to hand Alexei back to her.

"You take him for communion. You are his godparents." We inch forward in line, one couple before Alexei, Lenya, and I.

Father Ireni beams at me. I hold my squirming godson's hands as Father gives him communion. Father motions for me to wait, and he says, "The servant of God, Kalina, partakes of the precious and all-holy body and blood of our Lord and God and Savior Jesus Christ, unto the forgiveness of sins and unto life everlasting." After kissing the cup, I walk back to the woman's side.

As I hand over Alexei to Mila, I can feel his little body squirming and hear his soft cries. "He was perfect," I say to her, cooing at him.

"Soon I'll be holding yours up there." She says and I chuckle.

"If Lenya hands him over. I have a feeling he is going to be very possessive of his syn (son)." Mila's eyes widen, and that's when I realize I told her we are having a boy.

"Malen'kiy mal'chik (A little boy?)? Oh Lina, how exciting!" She exclaims, cradling Alexei in her arms.

It is going to be exciting. I cannot wait for this little boy to arrive. Service wraps up and we head to the hall for coffee hour. We opt to grab a couple of seats at one of the little tables. Lenya and the twins head over to grab drinks and food. Once back, they set plates of pastries and cups of tea down. My feet are killing me from standing the whole service.

Lenya notices the wince of pain on my face. "Tsvetochek, ty v poryadke? (Flower, are you okay?)" Concern flashes across his face.

"Da (Yes), my feet just hurt from standing for so long." His brow furrows, and he leans into my ear. His lips brush against my skin, his voice dripping with seduction. "I'll make sure when we get home, your feet never touch the floor. You'll be too busy on the bed on your hands and knees."

My breath staggers at his words. I look back at our friends conversing with each other, paying us no mind. "Otvezi menya domoy, moy lev. (Take me home, my lion.)"

Lenya's hand slides up my thigh. "Not yet, Tsvetok (Flower). Let's spend some time with our friends and our godson. Obeshchayu pozabotit'sya o tebe, kak tol'ko my vernemsya domoy. Bud' khoroshey devochkoy i delay, kak ya grovoryu." (I promise to take care of you as soon as we get home. Be a good girl and do as I say.)

Absolute torture. Moy Lev knows exactly what to say to make my panties completely soaked. I cross my legs as best I can to give myself some friction as my core pulses with need. I look over at him and that devious smile meets me. "Takoy nuzhdayushchiysya, Tsvetochek. (So needy, flower.)" His deep voice is just a whisper against my ear. Lenya rises from his seat and takes a fussing Alexei from Oleg. "Eat, Brat (Brother). I know you must be hungry. Let me spend some time with MoyVoin (Warrior) godson."

The moment he walks away with Alexei, a group of the babushkas swarm him. He looks back at me with a panicked look on his face. My poor sweet muzh (husband) doesn't know the power of a baby. "Pomogi mne (Help me)," he mouths. I shake my head. I tap Mila and point back in his direction. The entire table erupts in a fit of laughter. After a few minutes and a still stressed-looking muzh (husband), I get up and make my way to him.

"Babushka, davay dadim moyemu muzhu i krestniku nemnogo peredokhnut', a? (Grandmas' let's give my husband and godson a break, huh?)" I take Alexei from Lenya and kiss him on his forehead. "I'm sure you are just hungry and miss your mama. Come now Voin (warrior)." I walk back to the table and hand him back to Mila. "We are going to get going now. I'm exhausted."

"Exhausted…that's what we are calling it now," Mila jokes, giving me a playful smile. She stands and gives me a one-armed hug. "Go have fun with your muzh (husband). Let's plan to have dinner soon." I nod, waving goodbye to the twins. Lenya kisses Mila on the cheek and Alexei on his forehead. He walks over to the twins and gives each a shoulder hug. He says something about tomorrow. But my mind is so clouded with thoughts of him and I in bed.

"Alright, malyshka (baby). Let's go home so I can take care of you." With those words, I almost combust.