Chapter 33

It's late at night, and I am sitting on the floor in Hell's shower, the cold tiles pressing against my back as I cry. The water cascades over me, but it does nothing to wash away the filth I feel inside. I feel sick, so fucking sick. It's gnawing away at my insides that I allowed a child abuser to be near me again in such a way. Hell has done his utmost to convince me otherwise, but he doesn't know why I feel this way, why I feel so fucking dirty all over again and I can feel myself spiralling out of control.

The truth has resurfaced my trauma to its highest level, my dark thoughts becoming deafening. I press my hands to my ears, fighting and whispering to them, trying to convince myself it's not my fault or Hell's. None of this is, but the voices won't stop; they are relentless. They claw at my sanity, dragging me deeper into the abyss.

I feel like screaming, the urge to release the pent-up agony almost overwhelming. The thought of slicing my body to pieces, letting the pain drain out of me, anything to relieve it, crosses my mind.

As the voices get louder, I quickly reach up, desperately trying to find the razor. My fingers fumble, shaking as I tear through the plastic. Without hesitation, I press the blade to my arm and swiftly slice across, again and again. My blood mingles with the water, a crimson river pouring onto my thighs and swirling down the drain. My sobs grow more erratic, the whispers in my mind telling me I am useless, weak, and that I will never be anything more than a victim because of how these men have treated me.

I continue frantically, slicing the other arm, but the pain doesn't help; it seems to grow worse, amplifying the torment inside me.

Feeling numb, I drop the blade, the clatter of metal against the tile echoing in the small space. I rest my head back, my eyes closed, and inhale deeply. My arms sting, warm blood trickling from them as they rest beside me, and when I finally start to feel myself calm down, a tingling sensation sweeps over me.

After a brief blackout, my eyes snap open, and I stand. My mind goes numb, so quiet that I cannot even hear my own thoughts. I move toward the door in a trance, my body acting on autopilot. The world around me blurs, the edges of my vision darkening as I walk forward as if I am in some kind of dream.

When I stroll into the bedroom, I stop at the end of the bed and blankly stare at him, asleep. I tilt my head to the side and then my eyes gradually drift to the right of him where I see his knife, lying on the bedside cabinet. I absentmindedly go toward it and once within reach, I gently lift it. Squeezing the handle tightly with both hands, I face Hell, gazing down at him through a blur.

"Kill him." Finally a voice enters my head.

I raise the knife, tears wetting my cheeks before I thrust downward. Almost entering his throat, he swiftly grabs my wrist just in time, his eyes flying open. His looks at me angrily as I continue to use all my strength to push down, but he suddenly disarms me, grabbing my throat, lifting me effortlessly, and slamming me down onto the bed.

"What the fuck, Noir!" he shouts aggressively, "what the fuck are you doing?"

"Killing you," I say without emotion.

He cocks his head to the side, confused before he lowers his face close to mine, searching my eyes.

"Why." He growls, his fury arising within him.

"Because you're just like them."

He looks at me like he doesn't recognize me before his eyes trace down my cut arms.

"What the fuck have you done?" his gaze meets mine and I just stare at him. He shakes me by my throat to make me respond, and I suddenly scream at him.

"You made her like this! You treat her like nothing but a fucking animal when you fuck her and then call it pleasure!"

He pulls his head back slowly, his hand loosening on my throat and I continue, "You chain her up and use her just like they did for your own enjoyment, not caring about the damage you leave in fucking your wake!"

He shakes his head from side to side, "Noir…"

"You're just like them." I whisper.

"You're just like them."

"You're just…"

Suddenly my eyelids drop, darkness enveloping me, and I feel him gently tap on my cheek with his fingers, "Noir?"