56

Remy

The sun was rising by the time we reached the S. S. Barbarabelle. Boden was driving an ATV we had found abandoned at the city limits, and I rode with him, leaning with my cheek on his back. My arms were loose around his waist because I couldn't hang on any tighter.

The adrenaline had pushed me through so much during the night, but now it had worn off, and I was left with nothing but an aching body. My shoulders burned and my arms felt like rubber.

But the physical pain was nice actually, because it kept me from thinking or feeling anything else.

In my exhausted state, I kept forgetting that Max was gone every few minutes. My mind would blank out – maybe I fell asleep for a few seconds at a time – and then suddenly, I would think, "I have to get back to Max and Stella and make sure they are safe."

And then I'd see him getting torn up again, and I'd open my eyes, and tears were already falling, and I could hardly breathe.

I wanted to squeeze Boden tighter, to hang onto the one person I still had, but my arms wouldn't work. So I cried into his shirt and didn't know how to make my brain function without the constant refrain of "keep your brother safe."

Boden parked the ATV next to the truck on the banks of the river. The Barbarabelle was anchored out in the middle, and the raft was tied to it, so we'd have to swim.

He had to help me off the ATV, and I wondered if I had ever felt more weak. Like all the energy and life had been drained from me, and I was nothing but a dry husk.

"Dammit," Boden muttered, and I didn't know why until I looked over and saw Serg in a pile of dead zombies.

"Serg didn't make it either?" I asked emptily.

My knees suddenly buckled, and I collapsed in the grass.

"Come on, Remy. It's a quick swim to the boat, and then we'll be somewhere safe where we can breathe and lick our wounds."

"No," I said because I didn't have the strength to move or feel anymore. "Go on without me."

"Ah, hell, Remy, you can't give up now, not when we're so close."

He bent down and grabbed me beneath my arms, and he yanked me up to my feet. When I was finally standing on my own, he bent down slightly so we were eye level.

"Listen to me, please," he said. "I know you've just been through absolute hell, but you have survived everything that's happened to you until now, and you will survive this, too."

"What if I don't want to survive this?" I asked, and my voice cracked.

"I mean this in the kindest way, but I don't give a fuck. I need you to survive, and Stella really needs us both," he said. "We all lost Max and Serg and our homes. But we need to help each other get through this, so none of us are allowed to give up."

"I really don't know if I can swim now," I told him quietly.

"That's why you have me and the cat. "

The water was frigid, but after the initial painful shock, it was kinda nice because it numbed all the aches and pains. Ripley walked beside me, as if she knew I needed her, and I looped my fingers through her collar. Boden swam beside me, and I slung my arm around the lion, and she easily pulled me along.

Once we made our way on the boat, we found Lazlo, Eden, and baby Rafaella in the lobby. Already, our teeth were chattering, and Boden was worried about hypothermia, so we only briefly talked as we were passing through.

Lazlo stood up and came toward me, like he meant to hug me, but I didn't have it in me then. By the look on his face, I assumed he'd heard about Max, and I wanted to talk about that even less.

The baby was doing well, but Stella hadn't been seen since she led the zombies away. I didn't know where she intended to take them, but "far, far away from people" meant she'd be gone for at least several hours.

"We'd like to get the boat up and running so we can head down the river, away from all this. But we need help," Lazlo said as Boden, Ripley, and I made our way toward the stairs. "You both need time to rest up and clean and get warm. But let us know when you can show us more about the boat."

"I will, thanks," Boden replied, and his arm around my waist was keeping me upright and moving as we ascended the stairs. "And let us know when Stella returns, or if you need help with the baby."

"I will, but I think we'll be alright for a while," Eden assured him warmly.

Boden ushered me down to Room 237 again, and it was just as we left it, with a rumpled blanket and the robe on the floor. Ripley went out to the balcony to dry off in the sun, and Boden slowly helped me undress before doing the same himself .

Once we were both naked, he turned on the shower, and we got in it together. The water was probably only slightly warm from the tanks it was stored in, but on my icy skin, it felt wonderfully hot.

I could barely lift my arms anymore, so Boden took my hair down and washed it of all the blood and dirt. He washed both of us without complaint.

When he was finished, I leaned against him, crying into his bare chest, and he cried with me as the warm water poured over us.

"I would stay here with you forever, but I should show the others how to work the steamboat," he said, his voice rumbling as he held me. "And I want to check on Rafaella."

He wrapped me in the fluffy robe, and he laid me down on the bed. He dressed in dry clothes that he'd left behind, and he went down to help the others, even though he had to be so exhausted himself.

I wanted to help him. I wanted to be useful and productive. But I couldn't. I had no energy, no strength left. My mind kept blanking out, and I couldn't fight it anymore.

Later, I awoke, and it was dark. Boden was sleeping beside me. I rolled into him, pressing my body against the warmth of his back.

When I opened my eyes again, he was gone, and the bed was cold, even with the sunlight through the windows. I rolled over and pulled the blanket more tightly around myself.

"You have to eat something," Boden said when he woke me up later that day, and he practically force fed me bland fish soup.

"How's the baby?" I asked.

"Good. Do you want to see her?" Boden asked. "I can bring her to the room. Harlow, Eden, and I have been caring for her, but I haven't brought her here, because I wanted you to rest. "

"Stella isn't back yet?" I asked.

He shook his head. "No. No sign of her yet."

"Who else is on the boat?" I asked.

"I think there's maybe fifty of us total. I don't know most of them," he said. "There's Eden, Harlow, Kimber, Nova, Lazlo, Castor. I think that's about it for the people that I know. A few have been quarantined because they might be infected. Eden's boyfriend Alek is one.

"Some people are heading back to Emberwood for supplies and other survivors," he went on. "Some others are talking about moving back to town and rebuilding what's left."

"And what do you want to do?" I asked.

"I want to stay here until Stella gets back, because this is where I told her that we would be," he said. "And I think you could use the time to recuperate."

"Thank you," I mumbled, because I didn't know what else to say, or maybe I just didn't want to talk about it anymore.

When I opened my eyes again, Boden was gone, and it was dark. I was still numb and hollow and tired.

For a while, that's how my days bled into each other. Long periods of blissful blank sleep punctuated by moments of Boden trying to keep me alive and then these sharp agonizing times when I remembered that Max was ripped apart and that Serg had died.

Every day, Boden would make me eat and drink, and I would ask about Stella, and he'd tell me that she hadn't been seen yet. None of the survivors had made it out of quarantine, including Eden's boyfriend Alek. They were all dispatched and buried on the shore, along with Serg and some of the others who had succumbed to their injuries.

The routine continued until one day, when he brought me fish and potatoes, and Boden said, "I think it's time for you to get out of bed and see your niece."

"How long has it been?" I asked.

"Seven days," he said, and all I heard was worry and weariness and grief. "It has been seven days since you held Fae or left this room or had a meaningful conversation with me."

"And Stella's still not back?" I asked. "Where is she? Is she coming back? She wouldn't leave her daughter, would she?"

"I honestly don't know," he admitted. "But I need you to get out of bed and rejoin the land of the living so we can figure everything out together."

I got dressed, and Boden took me down the hall to the room they'd set up as a nursery for the baby. Minnie the goat was tied out on the balcony, and Harlow was holding Fae and feeding her with a bottle.

"Good afternoon, Remy." Harlow smiled at me as I came in. "Do you want to hold her?"

"Uh, sure," I said, when I wanted to say no. I suddenly felt nervous about it, like I had never held a baby before.

Harlow got up and handed me the tiny little girl. When Fae opened her eyes and looked up at me, all I could see was Max.

I held her with trembling arms, and like I had done when her father was just a baby, I sang my mother's lullaby. Inside, I still felt hollow, but in that moment, I knew that I would learn how to fight and get out of bed every day. For her.