44

Remy

I hated to admit it, but it was a beautiful night for a festival. The air was crisp with only the slightest of chills, and it smelled like bonfires and autumn leaves.

The festivities began at dusk, so we had plenty of time to get ready. Except for Serg, who was down cooking at the Public Cafeteria. Harlow had sent Stella and I home with clothing for everyone: in addition to our dresses, button up shirts for Max, Serg, and Boden, and an adorable knitted red romper and matching hat for the baby.

Mine was a body hugging loose knit black dress with a pair of thigh-high socks and my regular shoes. Harlow had even forced me to take a few rings, and when I slipped one on my finger, I noticed Boden given me an odd look. We were both up in the loft, and he'd been sitting on the bed, watching me get ready.

"What?" I asked.

"Is that for keeping up appearances?" he asked, and I must've looked confused because he said, "You put the ring on your wedding finger. Are you pretending that we're married again?"

"No. I wasn't thinking that." I shook my head. "It was just something that Harlow made me get, and it fit that finger."

"Sure," he replied flatly, and he got up and started toward the ladder .

"Boden," I said, and he paused at the top of the ladder.

"Are you two ready up there?" Max called from the main floor great room. "Me and Stella and Rafaella have been ready for ages."

"I won't be able to stay out too late with the baby, so I want to be there as soon as it starts," Stella added.

"Let's just go and try to have a good time," Boden told me quietly, but he sounded resigned to being miserable already. "The kids deserve a fun night out."

"Yeah, of course," I said, and I followed him down to join the others.

Stella did seem quite excited about going. Jovie had given them a stroller, and the baby was safely tucked into it with a blanket around her. Max pushed the stroller, Stella walked with her arm looped through his, and the three of them looked like a perfect happy family. Even with the baby, they walked faster than us, but Boden was practically dragging his feet.

"If you don't want to go, we could go back to the house," I told him as we walked down the road toward the fest. "Max and Stella will have a fine time without us."

"No, I wouldn't want to deprive you of any more happiness," he muttered.

I stopped short. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing." He stopped and raked a hand through his hair before turning to look at me. "Why did you tell Nova that you were my wife?"

" What ?" I asked. "That was so long ago. Why is it bothering you now?"

"It never stopped bothering me. I just didn't know how to bring it up."

"I thought that's what you wanted anyway, for us to be husband and wife," I said.

"Yeah. I wanted that, and I wanted you to want that, but you didn't, and that's fine," he said, but it didn't sound fine. "I could handle that. Until you heard Lazlo was married, and suddenly your tune changes. And so I have to know… was it to make him jealous? Or was it because you'd been holding out hope that you'd be reunited with him? If he wasn't with Nova, would you be here with me right now?"

"Yes, of course I would! Where else would I be?" I asked.

By then, Max and Stella were ahead of us, so caught up in their happy family to notice Boden and I waiting behind. But that was how I preferred it. They deserved to have a good night instead of getting dragged into whatever this was.

Since I'd raised my voice, people started looking at us. We were also standing in the road, partially blocking those heading to the fest by foot, bicycle, or equid.

Boden noticed it, too, and he motioned to a pathway between two buildings. It was something like a narrow alleyway with a composting bin on the ground floor, and clothing lines strung between the buildings for the second story apartments above. On one side was an apothecary on the main floor, smelling of incense and herbs, and on the other was a tannery, giving off an acrid and earthy odor.

Passersby would still be able to watch us from the road, and the businesses were closed for the fest, so I kept going down the alleyway until we went around to the back of the tannery. There, animal hides in various states were hanging from a pergola, and it gave us plenty of privacy.

Boden stood with his hands on his hips, staring down at the dirt, and I folded my arms across my chest, watching him expectantly.

"I really thought that it wouldn't matter, as long as you came home," he said finally in a low, husky voice. "When you came back, you were always so happy, but you brought that into our life, so I didn't even mind."

"What are you talking about, Boden? You're not making any sense."

Now he gave me a hard look. "Don't bullshit me, Remy. If Nova hadn't been in the picture when you and Lazlo found each other again, you would've taken Max and Stella and ran off with him."

My heart dropped, and I narrowed my eyes at him. "Is that what you think would've happened, or what you wish would've happened?"

"Why would I wish that you left me for another guy?" he asked, incredulous.

"Because then you wouldn't be stuck with me!" I shot back. "I know that I'm not easy to love, and that I'm cold and aloof and selfish. I'm basically a completely defective human being. I'm not good at anything that a wife should be good at, and I can't even be a mother."

"You think that I am upset because you can't have kids?" Boden asked. "You told me about that right away, and I said that I didn't want to bring kids into this world, and I meant it."

"Yes. I remember very clearly. You never said that you didn't actually want kids, just that you didn't feel right about it given the state of things," I reminded him. "I have seen you with Rafaella, and I used to listen to you talk about your sisters. I would tell myself, oh, that's because he loves them . But then I saw the way your face lit up when you played with Lazlo's daughter. You want a family, but instead you've been saddled with me."

My voice was cracking, but I pushed on and finally admitted, "That's why I didn't want to be married to you. I didn't want to trap you more than I already had. But now that we're in Emberwood, you're free to find someone who will make you happy and give you the babies you deserve."

"Jesus, Remy, is all that what you really think?" he asked, looking at me in shock. "Because you couldn't be more wrong. Yes, I like kids, especially Rafaella, but that doesn't mean I want any for myself. And most importantly, you never kept me from having a family. You gave me one."

"Because I had two kids in tow –" I started to argue but he stopped me.

"No. You are my family. If it were only me and you at the end of the world, I would still have a family." He moved closer to me, closing the gap between us. "I can't speak for anyone else, but you have always been so easy for me to love. I started falling for you almost right away, because you were so strong and such a badass, but I could still see how much you cared.

"And I refuse to believe that I wouldn't have loved you in any other place, any time that I met you, whether you are traumatized or not. I have never loved anyone the way that I love you, and I don't want to be with anyone else but you," he said. "But if you don't want to be with me, and you're in love with someone –"

"No!" I shouted, startling him, and I put my hands on his chest. "I am in love with you and only you. I care about Lazlo, and I always will, the same way that I still care about Harlow.

"You are the only one who makes me feel safe, and sometimes I worry that you know me better than I know myself." I stared up at him with tears in my eyes and a tremble in my voice. "I love you so much, Boden, but I've always known that I don't deserve you."

"Nature is completely indifferent to what anyone deserves, and the virus is certainly proof of that," he said. One of his hands went to my waist, and the other to my face, gently cradling it as he stared into my eyes. "But you deserve happiness and love as much as anyone else."

He kissed me then, and I stood up on my tiptoes and pulled him closer to me. The kiss grew more intense and urgent, and he suddenly lifted me up and set me on the workbench behind me. My hands went to unbutton his jeans while his hand went under my dress to make sure I was ready.

His mouth was still on mine when he pushed inside me, and we found a quick, rough rhythm together. My legs were wrapped around his waist, and he had one on my back, pressing me to him. His other hand held the back of my neck, tender but firm, so we were looking in each other's eyes.

It made me feel so vulnerable and exposed. I wanted to close my eyes or look away, but he needed this from me. So I stayed in the moment with him as pleasure and pressure built inside me.

I finished first, but he followed right after me. He slumped against me, kissing my neck and shoulder as he caught his breath.

Afterwards, when I straightened out my dress, Boden wrapped his arms around me and murmured that he loved me. For once, I let myself believe him.

We'd taken long enough being off on our own, and we didn't want to worry anyone, so the two of us hurried hand-in-hand smiling until we arrived at the fest.

Large white string lights stretched across the plaza in the middle of downtown, lighting the place up. A stage had been set up in the center, and Lazlo was performing with some friends. He was singing and playing guitar, Eden was on bass and backup vocals, and the alderman Wilder was on the drums. They were covering an old David Bowie song, "Life on Mars."

In the crowd, I could see Max and Stella standing nearby Harlow and Nova, with little Sage on her shoulders. Boden and I joined them in watching the performance until a woman brushed past us. I didn't even really notice her all that much, but then Harlow began to scream.

"She's here! She found me!" Harlow shrieked. "Mercy Loth is here!"