Chapter 18

eighteen

SYDNEY

Wishbone and I spent five days holed up in the house. Since she refuses to pee midday, she’s on a two times a day schedule. Always in the morning after Dennis has cleared the snow and at night after he’s been by again. He laid out a tarp on the grass that I can pull back so Wishbone can do her business.

I don’t know if he thinks I don’t know he’s the one coming by, like I can’t see him from the inside of my house or hear the sound of the shovel scraping the ground, but because I’m too much of a coward, I hide until he leaves.

Five days stuck in my cramped apartment, throwing a ball down the small hallway for Wishbone to work out her energy. I feel bad for her, and I can’t wait to take her for a proper walk. I can’t wait to take me for a proper walk.

The first night we spent on the couch, falling asleep to my favorite comfort show. By the time the snow started to come down hard on Tuesday, I was on to the next show, but I still couldn’t sleep in my bed.

Not without him.

Not when I wished the sheets still smelled like him, like crisp cold air and coffee .

Every moment stuck in my apartment with the memory of him has me wanting to scream. On Christmas Eve, I cleaned the apartment, only to find pieces of him as I went. Moments when he would just watch me in my tiny shower or when he laid me out on my kitchen table so he could eat me out until I begged him to fuck me.

There isn’t a part of me that he didn’t invade. Dennis Mitchell worked his way into my heart and soul, and the only person I have to blame for my heartbreak is myself. I pushed him away because I didn’t think I could ever be good enough for him.

But what if I stopped holding myself up to the standards of other people and just let my love for him be our story?

He doesn’t do what he does because he’s trying to impress people. He does it because that’s naturally who he is. When we were together, it was never about roleplaying with me as the bad girl and him as the good guy catching me. If anything, those moments made him uneasy until he was sure I was getting pleasure out of it. No, our time together was about finding a way to meet in the middle. I hadn’t realized it, but when I’m sitting here cold and alone, I know that Dennis made me actually get out there and be a part of this community that I’ve mostly hidden away from. At the end of the day, my being a good person has nothing to do with being good enough for Dennis and everything with my desire to do better than yesterday.

I’m more alone now after having Dennis in my life than I was before him, and I can’t imagine living the rest of my life with this hole he put in my heart just by loving me. And I know he loves me, because I can’t imagine he’d be doing what he’s doing every day if he didn’t love me. He is a genuinely good person, the kind that’s getting more and more rare to find, but when I go out after he drops by, I’m the only one with goodies outside my door. That’s what tells me it’s love.

I put words in his mouth during that argument, and I know it. He was trying to refute what I said. He was trying to tell me that he never really thought I was a criminal, and I never gave him a chance.

One of the bags that Dennis left for me had a bag of individual chocolates that I tore through while watching Legally Blonde on Christmas Eve just before the power went out. I’m not even mad that it happened because I would have been more mad if it had happened while I was watching Home Alone . It had been on Dennis’s list of Christmas movies to watch, but I teased him that he would only get one a year.

I’ve never yearned to spend Christmas with someone until now. Not until Dennis opened my eyes to the magic that I’ve been missing for years.

Part of me hates him for it. Part of me wants to scream and rage at him for bringing this holiday back into my life, only for him to leave. But the largest part of me hates myself for pushing him away. I’m the one to blame for this solitude. I’m the one to blame for probably ruining his favorite holiday.

I saw the look on his face. I’ve had five days stuck inside, replaying the moment that I broke his heart over and over. I had to know this was going to potentially ruin his favorite holiday. Instead of waiting, I jumped on the opportunity to hurt us both.

My atonement has been to catch glimpses of him through my window to know that he’s still taking care of me, even when I don’t deserve it. But isn’t that what love is? It’s doing something just because it serves the whole of your heart.

When I took Wishbone out on the night of Christmas Eve, I looked to the sky while she did her business and hunted for a wishing star, but the snow was showing no signs of relenting.

“I guess a Wishbone will have to do, instead of a wishing star,” I told the dog, who ignored me and tried to drag me back up to the house.

Power returned to my block some point last night, which was jarring, since I had no idea what was on when the power went out, so my TV coming to life while Wishbone and I were fast asleep woke me, and it’s left me alone with my thoughts as I went about my apartment turning all the lights off.

But it couldn’t be as easy as falling back asleep, could it?

No. I tried to keep my mind busy, continuing to clean my apartment all while knowing around the world, people were celebrating Christmas, and I couldn’t be with the man I loved. Because of me.

As the sun starts to crest the day after Christmas and my neighbors wake to find the snow has finally slowed, I know in my bones that this is my chance to really get out of the house and fix what is wrong.

I spend those early morning hours with my phone plugged in to charge while I rehearse over and over and over again until Wishbone is covering her ears with her paws. Everyone’s a critic.

“I don’t know if you’re going to get separation anxiety, but I have something I have to do. Can you be a good girl for me?”

Wishbone looks at me like she understands, but I somehow doubt it. Still, leaving her at home will be better than taking her with me. Even if we have been each other’s constants this past week.

I give her some extra dry food and close the door to my bedroom before bundling up and braving the elements. I’m tired of sitting idle. It’s time I get my man back.

I’d say I’m full of hot air, but that would imply that I have any sort of warmth around me, and that’s just not true. I have turned into a human popsicle, and I’m not even halfway done with my task. I have also started to doubt my plan, but there’s no turning back now.

Somehow, I’ve escaped notice as I go about my task, walking in endless circles until I’m satisfied. The one thing I didn’t count on was not having power to finish what I wanted.

“Sydney?” I turn to face my accuser, the end of an extension cord in my hand. I don’t really know what to say. Do I feign ignorance even when I’m getting caught with my proverbial hand in the cookie jar?

“Heh, Dennis, what…uh, what are you doing out in this weather?”

His lips twitch as he fights a smirk. He crosses his arms over his chest as he looks down at me from the steps of the station. Has he been sleeping or has he been tossing and turning the way I have? Does he also have regrets? Are the bags under his eyes from sleepless nights missing me or from working?

“I could ask you the same thing. Did you lose an earring in the snow next to the station?” I think he’s on to me, but I refuse to give him anything on this.

“Now that you mention it, I think I did.”

“Would you like some help finding your earring?” He climbs down the steps toward me. I’m not sure I can handle his proximity.

“No, I think I can manage,” I tell him, and he halts, a flicker of pain hitting his face. Which is not the point of this whole exercise and I realize just how terrible I am at this.

“In that case, you should try checking for your earring two feet to your left.”

I start to move in the direction he says.

“Your other left. ”

I shift directions.

From there, it’s easy to find the outlet, and I plug the cord in. I guess having him watch the show is enough of a gesture.

The whole space in front of the station lights up, including the two snowmen that took me forever to make. Honestly, this whole thing is sort of a fire hazard with the number of extension cords and lights I have plugged in, but this was the best I could do.

Dennis’s truck is wrapped in lights. I got as creative as I could with getting it around his car. Probably not my best work, but my hands went numb after the snowpeople and snow dog. I watch Dennis’s eyes take in the space. He obviously saw it when he came outside, but now he’s getting to see it in its full glory. If it can really be called that.

A snow woman with some pretty lopsided boobs is attached to the snowman beside her with a pair of toy handcuffs I managed to find in the storage area of my apartment, long forgotten by whoever owned it. Since I was limited in my accessories, I’m thankful that I dressed as a cop one year and still have the fake badge and hat, those handcuffs were long gone. Both of them are attached to the snowman, who is also holding the leash for the snow dog.

Okay, calling it a snow dog is really way too generous. It’s a snow blob wearing a collar. It’s not like I’m gunning for Dennis’s “Best Snowman Builder” title or anything.

In front of the snow couple are lights laid on the snow that spell out Sorry . If not for the shortage of lights, I would have put an I’m in front of that, but alas, during a blizzard when planning a grand gesture, you make things work however you can.

“Sydney…”

“Stop, just… Stop. This is my grand gesture, because honestly, I’ve been miserable without you. I was a chickenshit for thinking that you were better off without me. I never th ought that I was better off without you, and I always knew that you were so good and pure and there was no way you were going to want to settle for me and eventually you would realize that.”

I take a deep breath in before continuing. “But I also know that the best things in life are worth fighting for, and I’m not done fighting for us. I’m still pissed about your comment because it made me feel shitty and just reminded me of all the ways that I’m not good enough for you. But I’m not going to end the best thing to ever happen to me because of it. Not today, not ever. So, buckle up for the fight of your life, Dennis, because you’re it for me, and I won’t accept any less. I don’t care how many Christmas decorations I have to put up or carols I have to sing. I want you.”

I further my embarrassment by starting to sing one of the most iconic Christmas songs of my generation, making sure that Dennis knows all I want for Christmas is him.

He doesn’t let me make it very far before he’s bounding down the stairs toward me.

“Am I allowed to speak now, or are you going to make me suffer through your singing longer?”

“Just for that comment, you’ll have to hear me sing the whole damn thing. I’ve been practicing for days. Okay, realistically, just this morning, but that’s because I didn’t know the words and couldn’t look them up till I got power back.”

Dennis doesn’t let me say another word. His mouth crashes over mine, and it makes my heart explode knowing that he wants to make this work. At least, I’m making that assumption because I doubt he would kiss me if he wasn’t still interested in being an us.

He breaks the kiss. “Stop thinking so hard, sugar, and just kiss me.”

Pushing up to the tips of my toes, I do as he commands, ready to give it all to him, except he must realize he already has my heart.

My nose brushes against his cheek, and he flinches back. “I appreciate your grand gesture, but your nose feels like it’s minutes away from frostbite, and it’s too cute for that.”

“Now that you mention it…” My whole body gives a shake.

Dennis points me toward the door. “Inside with you.” Instead of following me up the stairs, he goes to the plug and unplugs it. “We made it this long without a fire. I’m not going to allow the station to be the only casualty.”

“That is a very valid point. I don’t even know how old some of those lights are.” I didn’t have the benefit of options. I took what I could get and outsourced a little from neighbors and the bag of decorations that Dennis had wanted to put up at my house. I’m more than a little positive that some of the lights are older than I am.

Dennis shepherds me inside, where the warmth is almost painful. The building is eerily quiet, like there isn’t another soul here.

“I’ve been the one to hold down the fort and man the radio. After we lost power, we talked it over with Maddox. He wanted to keep everyone spread out around town so someone was in each zone if there was an emergency. I offered to hold down the fort so he and Ruby could, well, whatever their deal is.”

“See, that’s what I mean. You’re kind and giving.”

“I was hiding out from my own home because everything reminded me of you. It was easier for me if I stayed here, able to help direct people as needed, than it was to be in my home, alone and wondering what you were doing.”

Dennis tugs my wet gloves off, laying them aside before starting in on my jacket. Each piece of outerwear he removes sends my heartbeat racing a little faster until I’m afraid it’s going to run rampant right out of my chest .

“I know how you felt.” My voice is hoarse when I say it, and I can feel the tears gathering in my eyes. “I knew it was you, every day making sure that I had food and was shoveled out or whatever other needs I never anticipated. Like the extra blankets and the radio when the power went out. You were still there protecting me after the things I said.”

“Don’t act like I’m totally innocent, sugar. I said something that was really fucking stupid, and I promise to make it up to you in any way that I can. I mean, shit, you stole my chance to make a grand gesture.”

I cup his face, which is still red from the cold outside, even as our bodies warm up from our proximity. “Don’t you get it? Those were your grand gestures. You just made a million of them over the week like a fucking overachiever.”

“I hated it. I hated knowing that you were in your apartment alone. I was so afraid something would happen. A branch would fall on your house, too heavy from the snow. Or you would slip outside on ice and freeze in the snow while walking my dog.”

“That sounds like punishment enough. I was worried too. I knew you. I knew you were going to be out there climbing trees to save kittens from the snow or acting as a sled dog for Mildred and Bernice when the power went out.”

“Nah, only the fire department saves kittens in trees.”

“But you do save dogs from the snow.”

Dennis starts to lead me away from the doorway into the back. “Thank you for sending pictures of Wishbone while you had her.”

“I’m not a total monster,” I say with a laugh.

We walk into a kitchen area, where Dennis pulls out hot chocolate packets. I watch him go about boiling water and stirring it up. He hands me the hot cup and I just hold it for a minute .

“I think we could do better on our communication,” I say, daring a glance in his direction.

“I don’t think you’re a criminal.”

“I never stole anything. I thought about it, but I couldn’t do it. I just… I see these rich assholes who come into Sips and they’re just so wasteful, and I know that other people could do something with that, but I also know that it’s not my place to say that. I’m no Robin Hood.”

“Sydney.” Now I know he’s serious if he’s using my name. “I had that thought cross my mind for half a second before I knew that there was no way you would be capable of that. I hated myself as soon as I thought it. My comment was just fucking stupid. I thought I could make a joke and that maybe I would bring a smile to your face, teasing you about how this started. I was wrong.”

His words are an echo of the ones he tried to say to me last weekend. Ones that I was unwilling to hear at the time. I set my hot chocolate to the side to walk toward him and lean against him. Dennis wraps his arms around me, his hands rubbing my back as he presses a kiss to the top of my head.

“I think maybe in another few months I could have laughed about it, but it felt too soon and like we never really addressed it, so when you made that comment, it’s like all those vicious thoughts in my brain said they were right, and I just accepted it.”

Just admitting it makes me a little ashamed of how I let the intrusive thoughts in my head win. All I did was hurt both of us.

Dennis releases me so he can level me with a serious look. “Know this, sugar. I am never going to let those thoughts in your brain win. I want you too much to do that. I want us too badly.”

“Just how badly?” I ask. I barely recognize how my voice drops into a sultrier tone.

“Are we at the make-up sex part of this grovel?” he asks, placing a chaste, barely-there kiss just under my ear. My body shivers in delight at the contact.

“I think we might be. I just don’t know if Deputy Perfect is up to the task.”

“I’m fairly certain the last time you questioned my abilities, you squirted on my face. But I’ll let you be the judge of just how up to the task I am.” He pins me against the counter and tilts his hips toward me so I can feel just how up he is.

“I think this is going to be harder than you expect,” I tease and worm my way out from under him. With an impish smile, I dart out of the kitchen, hoping he will give chase.

Dennis doesn’t disappoint. He never does. When he catches me in the pit area where his desk is, he grabs me by my waist, trapping me against his chest. My back is to him but that doesn’t stop him from kissing along my neck, getting me worked up and up and up until I’m overstimulated and begging him for more.

“Put your hands on my desk,” he demands, and I comply immediately. “You have the right to be my girlfriend. Anything you say can and will be done to you. You have the right to have me worship at your altar whenever you want. If you do not want worship, you have the right to be pampered in the way of your choosing. If you decide you want to be with me, you will still retain these rights until you no longer want to be mine. Do you understand these rights? With these rights in mind, do you still want to be with me?”

There’s a hint of vulnerability in his voice with that last question. I spin to face him.

“I do. I do until I’m blue in the face. I was without you for only a few days and I knew then that I would never want to spend another day of my life like that. Make me yours.” It feels like a vow of a different kind, but we’re a ways away from that.

Dennis slams his lips onto mine, and it stokes the inferno that’s been building higher. I need this man, and I hate that winter means so many layers between us. Taking off my snow boots is going to take forever, and I almost cry at the thought.

Gripping me by the waist, Dennis nudges me up so I’m sitting on his desk without a care for the paperwork or anything that might be there.

There is a crackle over the radio, and I push Dennis back, knowing that he won’t want to take space from me. He glances at me, bereft, but marches over to the front desk, where I see the radio waiting for him. I have to turn my body to watch him, so I twist back so I’m facing straight. This all almost feels too easy, but I’m not going to complain. If I keep waiting for bad things to happen, bad things will happen.

I listen as he talks with whoever it is. “Understood. Thanks for the relief.”

His footfalls get louder as he walks over to me and kisses my shoulder.

“Everything okay?” I ask, turning to look at him.

“Better than okay. Someone is coming in to relieve me, so we get to take this home so I can make it up to you properly.”

“Okay, but we’re going to have to hoof it. Someone vandalized your truck.”

I’m antsy as we wait for whoever it is to get here. Dennis offers to go out and untangle his car, but I just want to feel his arms around me. Thankfully, we don’t have to wait long, and I practically drag Dennis out without letting him actually do any official handing over.

I don’t feel bad about leaving the lights or the dirty snowpeople. I just need to feel Dennis pressed against me. I need us to cement this last part of our reconnection. Our relationship isn’t just about sex, but it’s where we got our start.

We practically run past all the kids and couples and dogs that are free after being cooped up for nearly a week. When we pass Mildred’s house, she gives us both a knowing smile before she laughs and heads inside.

As much as I want us to get right down to business, Wishbone goes absolutely insane on Dennis when he walks in the door. I busy myself with making us hot chocolate and coffee if he wants, but I’m too jittery for it.

I listen to him pet her as I fill the tea kettle, and a rightness settles over me. This could be our lives, and I couldn’t be happier at the thought of it. At Dennis coming home after a long day to be mobbed by Wishbone while I set the table or pour him a drink. And some days, maybe it's him greeting me at the door with dinner ready, but it’s the life together that I see clearly.

His body presses mine against the counter and I nearly yelp.

“What are you doing?” I demand, turning the water off. I didn’t even hear him approach.

“Enough games. I need you, sugar. I’ve gone too long without you,” he murmurs into my ear.

The man who was unsure about pushing limits the first time we were together places his hand on my bare stomach, making me gasp at the cold.

“Your hands are freezing .”

“Then warm them up for me.”

His hand moves between my leggings and my skin before descending lower. I can feel the harsh bite of the cold as he presses against the thin fabric of my underwear before stroking me into a frenzy. His other hand slides across my chest to grip my breast over my sweater, and I lean my head back on his shoulder before grabbing the arm that’s grounding me to him.

“Dennis,” I moan as his strokes become faster. My hips start to move against him, and that’s when he withdraws his touch. “What the–”

He’s a beast as he scoops me up with one arm firmly behind my back, the other under my knees. “Let’s go, sugar. Show me if you took care of my pussy while I worked hard for you.”

He carries me to the bedroom, and I laugh, equal parts delighted and horny as fuck.

Gentle Dennis has left the building. This Dennis throws me onto the bed and descends on me like a man starved, and I guess he sort of is. I think my pussy is his favorite meal of the day. He works his way kissing down my body and shoving my sweater up, until he rises so I can take it off. Except, he uses it to bind my hands together, twisting the fabric and pressing it over my head, where I can just reach the bars of my headboard.

“Don’t let go, Sydney.”

“Yes, sir,” I breathe, watching him as he descends down my body.

I had hoped for this, had hoped to reconcile, so I am wearing probably sexier than necessary undergarments.

“Sydney,” he says my name slowly as he looks at the bra, which is really a generous term for the garment. It’s got red underwire and clear mesh that covers the cup of the bra, but the part where my nipple would peek through is covered with a glittery snowflake.

“Yes?”

He lifts his gaze from my breasts to meet my eyes. “I love you. I love you so fucking much.”

“Then stop dicking around and take the rest of my clothes off.”

“Yes, ma’am. ”

“Good boy,” I praise, noting the absolutely feral look in his eyes when I say that. Looks like I’m not the only one with a praise kink. Dennis whips his shirt off so I can admire the expanse of his skin, and it only makes me want the weight of him on top of me again.

The heat from the moment is gone. Instead, there is a new level of sweetness as he presses his lips to mine, coaxing my mouth open. It’s a slow-burn kiss, ratcheting up higher and higher until he tears his mouth from me to move along my body toward his second surprise.

He grips my leggings and tugs them down my legs until my panties are exposed, causing him to stop again and stare. The panties are nothing special, but they do have a gift box printed on them with the words “Open here.”

“You’re fucking magnificent.”

His mouth covers the panties as he licks me over them, and I cry out from the touch of his mouth on me. I need more of it, more of him. The asshole left my leggings around my ankles so I can’t throw my legs over his shoulders.

“Then what are you waiting for?” I whine.

Dennis nips the inside of my thigh but then drags down my panties, leaving them with my leggings. I’m about to protest again, but he presses my knees open so he can lick me from slit to clit, swirling his tongue when he gets to the top.

“I’m going to start every Christmas like this, with my face in your cunt until you come.” It’s so filthy that I love the idea of it so much. I grind against him, desperate to be filled, but he never gives me his fingers. Instead, he gets me right there, just to the edge of an orgasm before he backs off, leaving my pussy throbbing with need.

He’s efficient as he takes his pants off. He climbs on the bed, reaching over me toward the nightstand where the lube is. I don’t think it’s necessary, but whatever it takes. I nip his nipple while he fumbles for it, and his grunt and hip thrust is enough to know he likes that.

When he sits back up, I see he’s got the lube in his hand, and instead of spreading it on me, he pumps his cock.

“I should cum all over those pretty tits you have and then while you’re still sticky with me, I’ll eat that pussy you’ve withheld from me before I roll you over and fuck you again.” My desire must flash on my face. “You like that? Knowing I can use you as I want?”

“Yes,” I whisper.

He’s still pumping his cock as he positions himself between my legs then against my entrance. His lips brush against mine in a barely-there kiss.

“Maybe another time.” He slides the head of his cock through my folds up to my clit, where he grinds against me. I’m practically shaking with need as I wait for him to do what I want.

“Please, Dennis, stop teasing me,” I nearly growl.

He doesn’t make me ask again before he thrusts into me in one excruciatingly slow movement. I love how I can feel every inch of him as he moves inside me. My back arches off the bed, but I never let go of the frame, even if I can feel my hands ache.

“God, you take my cock so well,” he groans, holding my hips in a bruising grip. He’s so focused on my pleasure with each thrust and grind of his hips. His thumb circling my clit draws me closer and closer to my orgasm.

There are no flowery words for the way my body clenches tight when I finally drop into my climax. My toes curl and my whole body goes taut as a low moan slips through my lips.

Dennis follows me into the feeling of ecstasy with a break in his rhythm and a moan that harmonizes with mine.

“I love you,” I tell him as I finally release the frame.

When he pulls out, I can feel his cum slowly leaking out of me.

“I love you, too,” he swears before leaning forward to give me a sweet kiss. When he draws back, his eyes drop between my legs at where we were just joined. “I just hope you know that what I feel for you is so much bigger than what I feel for Christmas.”

“I’m so glad that thought came to you after staring at my cunt.”

“No, that thought came to me as I watched my cum leak out of you, and I thought about how I want to put a baby in you someday, and I want a house full of kids and a future with you.”

“All that because of some jizz?” I reach for a tissue to clean myself up, and he swats at my hand, dropping his fingers between us to touch me more. I let out a contented sigh, then a second one as I feel him push his cum back into me.

“All that because I love seeing the mess I made of you.”

“This isn’t even the worst one.”

Dennis helps disentangle me from my sweater so he can lie beside me and pull me against his chest. “We have a future’s worth of messy fucks.”

“I’m looking forward to every last one of them.”