Chapter 15

fifteen

DENNIS

I think Sydney is still stewing over my thoughtless comment, but she insists she’s still not ready to talk about it. If I’m honest, the cowardly part of me is glad. It was a dumb thing to say to her. It was just fresh on my mind after Aaron came to the station about his misplaced cufflink. Of course, I don’t think she’s a criminal or a thief. Do I still have questions for her about that night? Absolutely, but I don’t feel the need to press her for answers. I want to build us a solid foundation and get through the holidays she hates so much. If what happened with that tourist is any indication of what she deals with regularly, I can’t blame her for losing her faith in humanity.

I’m afraid my careless words have shaken us too much. I did take Wishbone home, and I’m grateful to Ben for being there to help take her for walks while I’ve been taking care of Sydney. The last thing I want is for Wishbone to accidentally jump and hurt Sydney any more than she already is.

I thought the silly reminder of how we met would make her smile. Not to mention, I didn’t realize it would cut as deep as it obviously has. It was very obviously a mistake to say, and she won’t let me apologize. Instead, I keep feeling her pulling farther and farther away from me. She barely lets me hold her at night, reasoning that she doesn't want to risk me accidentally hitting her burned skin during the night.

I’m biding my time until she lets me apologize and talk to her about my comment. If I’m honest, thinking about that day becomes a haze of red for me. I’ve never in my life been prone to such burning anger. I have a level head. I pride myself on being able to take my time to understand a situation before reacting. When Aaron spilled the beans about Carmen I was angry, but not in the way I would have done bodily harm to that tourist for hurting Sydney.

I knew the coffee asshole was going to be a problem right off the bat from the way he was talking to Sydney. I was barely in Sips when I heard his shitty condescending tone. The guy is lucky all I did was arrest him. I was ready to throw a punch but I knew that wasn’t the best move, not with a new sheriff. Getting my own charge for assault? That’s not going to impress anyone.

Her burns are healing nicely as the week progresses, but every time I help her put the bandages on them, it makes me want to find that guy and deck him. In no shocking turn of events, he made bail and took his family on a plane out of here so fast. Apparently, his fancy New York City lawyer already offered to pay the maximum fine just so he could put it behind him and enjoy the rest of the holidays.

We’re in the kitchen, waiting for the coffee to heat up. Sydney is taking a large bite of one of the cookies that Violet dropped off after she and Noah heard about the incident at Sips.

“Can you, like, unhinge your jaw or something?” I ask, taking a small piece of my cookie.

“Are you food shaming me, Deputy?” she asks, eyes narrowed. It’s the lightest tone she’s used all week.

It’s a cozy Saturday morning. As much as I wanted to go back to the festival last night, I wasn’t going to drag her out, even if I can see the signs of her going stir crazy. She’s barely left the house since it happened, and I haven’t decided if that’s a defense mechanism or if she’s that traumatized. Not that I can blame her. I’m hoping I can talk her into coming to the PAWS fundraiser tonight.

I love her like this. First thing in the morning with her hair hastily thrown up, leaving her bangs the only thing obstructing her face. She claims it’s because the winter static makes her hair unbearable to deal with, but I would take it. I would take all of her. She has no bandages on, and I can see the pink skin is nearly her normal shade, but it’s not perfect. Sydney keeps reminding me that it could be worse. She could have had second degree burns.

“Absolutely not. I’m just impressed. These cookies are the size of a frisbee and you manage to fit an entire one in your mouth at once. It gets me thinking about what other things you could fit in your mouth.”

“My fist.”

This draws me up short. “Wait, really?”

“I haven’t done it in years, and I’m not particularly drawn to the idea of doing it now. But yes, I am one of those people who can fit her entire fist in her mouth. Made me real popular with the boys in college.”

My mouth crashes over hers, even though another bite is halfway to her lips. The delicate cookie and frosting is smashed between us. She’s giggling and lapping at the frosting, kissing me back. It’s the deepest kiss we’ve shared since the incident, and her laughter as she kisses me gives me hope. Hope that she isn’t really pulling away from me and that she just needed a breather to process being attacked like that at work.

I pull away and lick at the frosting that covers her lips and cheeks. “I don’t want to hear you talk about other boys.”

“Why, you want to hear you’re the only man in my life? ”

“Yes.”

Her features melt from playful into serious. “You really hurt my feelings when you insinuated that I stole at that party. I didn’t think you still believed that.”

“And I don’t. Please believe me.” I haven’t even told her about how Aaron came to the station. So much has happened this week that I haven’t said because I was worried about Sydney. It’s not that I didn’t think she could handle it. I know she could. But mentioning the Porsche felt like pressing on a bruise that was still forming. I haven’t had the chance to tell her what Aaron revealed about Carmen or about Wishbone’s fate. Every topic felt like a powder keg, so instead, we watched movies together when I was able to move shifts as much as I could, taking overnights when Sydney made it clear she was worried about her burns.

She steps back and I can’t blame her for it. “I just thought that my values had become obvious to you, while we have been spending time together for the last two weeks. I mean, Jesus, Dennis. I’ve only really spent time with you since the key party.”

“I know, sugar, I know.”

She crosses her arms. “Don’t use cutesy pet names with me. You said it for a reason. Now tell me why .”

Sydney looks like a force to be reckoned with, and I hate that I’ve given her cause for her ire. “I said it because I was an idiot.”

She shakes her head. “You might be good at playing the part of humble civil servant, but you’re smart. You said it because you needed to know. Because even with the last two weeks of playing house and you being by my side and trying to show me the ‘real’ meaning of Christmas, there has been this nagging thought in your mind that I did it. That I broke into a car and stole something. So, you said it hoping that, what? I would just confess my crimes?”

“No, of course not! I know that is not the type of person you are. I…Christ, Sydney, the Porsche owner came to the police station on Monday.”

Confusion flicks over her face. “What? I don’t understand. And you’re waiting to tell me this, why?”

“He came because he thought someone stole a diamond cufflink and wanted to file a police report, and my first thought was that I had to take care of it so if there was something I didn’t know I could shield you from it…”

“Get out.” She doesn’t even let me finish talking. She’s pointing a firm finger at her front door.

“Wait, let me finish,” I plead. I’m botching this, and I know that telling her that my encounter with Aaron led me to realize I am in love with her is the wrong call.

“There is nothing to finish. Someone told you they think they were robbed and your first thought was that I did it. I don’t know what you think you can say to me to make me change my mind. I mean…” She looks away from me with tears brimming in her grey eyes. “I mean, I am, I was falling in love with you, but I can’t love a man who doesn’t trust me. I can’t love a man who thinks the worst of me.”

“But I don’t, and that’s what I’m trying to tell you. I knew that you hadn’t done it. I knew that you were innocent of any crime. Because even if you tried to play some hardened chick who could have stolen the night we met at the key party, I know who you are at heart.” I reach out, but she takes a step back. I respond in kind, moving away from her.

“Get. Out. You were here all week. You could have brought this up at any point.”

I throw my hands up and pace away from her before coming right back to where I had been standing “To say what? To prod at a bruise between us that you clearly weren’t ready to address until today? I thought I was giving you the space you wanted. I thought that if I brought up meeting Aaron on Monday you would have gotten upset and you wouldn't let me finish telling you what happened.”

“Congratulations. Apparently, you do know me, just not well enough to know I wouldn’t actually steal. Did the thought cross my mind? Yes, and I’m not even a little proud of that. I had a moment of weakness when I considered doing it because I knew that the money would help me and the family that I was sponsoring for Christmas more than it would help the floor of Aaron’s car. It’s apparently the same moment of weakness that made me think that you and I could ever work. I’m never going to be good enough for Deputy Perfect.”

Her voice cracks as she says it, and I want to go to her. I want to comfort her, even when I’m the person causing her pain, but she’s made it clear that any touch from me is unwelcome right now. She’s teasingly called me Deputy Perfect in the past, but I never realized just how much she believed I was without flaws. I’ve had moments where ugly thoughts crossed my mind but I didn’t act on them. That’s just part of being human. It’s the actions we do take that make us who we are. She’s been so beaten down with this rhetoric that she was a bad kid that she just believes the worst in herself, and I hate that for her.

I can’t even tell her how wrong she is, because today she won’t hear me. She won’t hear me say how much I love her, how generous I’ve seen her be with more than just her money but also her time. I can’t say I blame her for not believing me. I haven’t said a single thing right to her since this conversation started. I was on eggshells all week, too afraid to contradict her because I could feel this fight looming and I wasn’t ready, wasn’t willing to face the idea of losing her.

But the way this conversation turned so quickly, I wonder if I ever really had her to begin with. I thought she was all-in with me, but maybe just like Carmen, there was something lacking, and she was happy to bide her time with me until something better came around. I can’t be in it completely for two people. I did it for too long already and I won’t do it again, even if losing her breaks my heart worse than Carmen could have ever dreamed of.

Even if it wasn’t something that I’m lacking that affected either relationship, I clearly messed up. I wasn’t enough for Carmen, and I rushed Sydney with all this Christmas stuff. She made it clear that she had no interest in anything Christmas related, and I forced the issue because I thought I knew better. Clearly, I did not.

“You should go before this becomes something neither one of us can recover from,” she says, her voice pure ice.

But it’s already too late for that. I know there will be no recovering after Sydney.