Ryder

Chapter 46

Six months earlier…

I'm starting to feel more like me again. It's been a while since everything went down with Arch. I just felt numb. Jay practically moved in and wouldn't let me be alone, which I appreciate, but I have to start getting over him. All the wedding stuff has gone now, yesterday's news, and I haven't heard from him, which I suppose is good. It just shows that he never loved me, and I was just a phase.

I actually have a day off today, so I head out to the garage. I lift and exercise like a crazy person, which I've been doing a lot lately, but it helps, so that's not a bad thing. It's better than the spiral I went on just after. I haven't been with a guy since him. I just can't seem to go back to just fucking. I had a taste of what life could be like, and I want someone, but I don't know if I have it in me to look for one.

When I've done working out, I start working on my bike. Bikes are my happy place, and although I don't get to take her out as much as I'd like now I have my new bike, this bike is special. She never let me down and got me where I am today, and I'm so grateful.

I have a sponsorship deal with an oil and lubrication company, and a male underwear brand is in talks with the team and wants to sponsor a few of us. I never thought about modelling, but they seem to think I've got the ‘look' they want, all bad boy brooding, and me being gay is a selling point, apparently.

I smile, thinking it all worked out in the end. I work on the bike the rest of the day when Dad pushes in.

"So, you had a day off from the bike shop, working and fixing bikes, to stay home and work on and fix your bike?" He laughs.

"Yup. And listen to how sweet she sounds." I fire her up, and Dad grins, slinging his arm around me. He kisses the side of my face.

"You really are my kid, aren't you?" He laughs. It's true; we are so much alike, and I'm not sure if this is who I was always meant to be or if it's his influence that's shaped me, but I can't argue that we are alike. I'm happy with how I turned out.

We head inside, and I head up for a shower. I scrub my aching muscles and head down for dinner. Mum does a roast, and we sit, chat, and just generally enjoy each other's company. It's nice to see them so happy. I load the dishwasher, and Dad flicks on the news. We sit to watch, and my stomach drops.

It"s him. He's giving a press conference to announce she's pregnant, three fucking months pregnant. We've only been apart six months, and it stings, and the small wound that's left rips back open. I grab my coat and storm out.

I hear my Dad call out behind me, but I just keep going. I head to the off-license, grab two bottles of Jack, and head to the park. I sit on one of the benches and just fucking drink. My mind's reeling. Three fucking months pregnant. He didn't waste any fucking time. I really did mean nothing. He's there living his best life, and I'm here falling apart like a fucking pussy. I close my eyes. I try to be a good man. I try so hard, work hard, and love hard, but right now, I can't ever see myself being with another man. Maybe in the future, I will go back to just fucking around again. I'm good at that. It keeps them out of your heart, nicknames, no real names, just fucking. No hearts get broken that way.

Once I'm three-quarters of the way through my first bottle and pretty much shit-faced, I decide I've wallowed enough and should probably head home. As I start to walk, walking's hard and wobbly, and my brain's fuzzy, and my lips tingle. I need a piss, and I want a kebab. No, I need a kebab. I stumble into the kebab shop and order two doner kebabs. Kebabs… that's a funny word, kebab. Kebabs, kebabs.

Then I puff out a breath. It's a fair walk back home. It's not; it's about ten minutes, but right now, I want to sit and eat my kebab and have a piss. I head to Jay's. He lives near here, and apparently, I have an extra kebab. Knocking on his door, it swings open.

"Fuck's sake, where have you been? Your mum has been calling me all night. I've been calling you all night. Why haven't you answered your phone?"

"Kebab?" I say, holding up my bag, smiling at him.

He shakes his head and drags me inside, locking the door behind me. He pulls out his phone. "Mary, I've got him. He's here… he's fine… yeah, he's gonna stay here. I'll bring him back tomorrow sometime… yeah, will do… love you too."

I snigger. "You love my mum?"

He shakes his head. "Yeah, I love your mum, and I love your dad, and I love you, so what happened, and why have you turned on your dumb fuck switch?"

"Nu-uh, have not."

"Okay, genius, what's six times elephant divided by apple pie?"

"Wait, I know this one. Hang on." I start to count on my fingers.

"See, dumb fuck switch activated. Let's get you upstairs and do something with all… this." He gestures to all of me. I follow him upstairs, stumbling up a few steps before we push into Jay's living room. I put my stuff on the table and shove the bottle at Jay.

"Catch up, piss!" I stumble off to the bathroom. While I'm in there, I have the genius thought: if I get undressed now while I'm already undoing my jeans, I won't have to do it later.

I stride across the living room in my boxers, and Jay flicks me a look and shakes his head. He's chugging the Jack, so I slide in beside him and rest my head on his shoulder.

"I brought you a kebab." I smile, and he taps the side of my face.

"Thanks, dickhead." I smile again as I rip the bag open and devour my kebab. Jay picks at his and finishes the first bottle of Jack.

"Wanna talk about it?"

I shake my head, take a few more mouthfuls of kebab, and then say, "They're having a baby."

He smiles at me, but it's one of those sympathetic smiles, and I look away. I shrug. "I thought I was important, ya know."

"I know." We're quiet for a while. We finish the kebabs and start the next bottle of Jack. "Come on, let's head to bed." Jay says.

"I'm not tired."

"No, you're not, but when you pass out, and you will, you're a big fucker, and I can't carry you to bed anymore, so you're gonna have to get yourself there."

I nod and stumble towards the bedroom. I sit against the headboard, and Jay does the same. We pass the bottle between us until I'm steaming, and he's well on his way. I slump down and turn to face him. He slides down, doing the same.

"You think he's happy?"

"Nah, man, how could he be? He lost the best thing that ever happened to him."

"Yeah, he was gutted he didn't get on the team."

"No dipshit, he lost you!"

"You think so?"

"I fucking know so." Jay nods.

I smile at that. Jay always knows what to say. I study his features. He's only got more good-looking as time has gone on. "He's not."

"He's not what?"

"The best thing that happened to me!"

"He's not?" Jay asks.

"Not even close." I grin. "Guess, guess what is?"

Jay thinks for a minute, biting his lip while he does. "The team, getting onto the team. That's the best thing?"

"Nope, it's up there, but not the best."

"The new bike, that thing is sweet."

"Nope."

He sighs. "Of course, I've got it. Your mum and dad getting back together."

He grins like he's won the prize, and I shake my head.

He frowns. "Ah, the sponsorship deal? You're gonna be walking catwalks like a right fitty."

"Nope."

"I give in."

"Really?"

"Yup."

I lean closer, tilt his gaze to meet mine and whisper, "It's you."

I crash my lips to his, and he gasps in shock, so I slide my tongue in and pull him against my body. I grip his arse and pull him tighter against me, he groans as he kisses me back. Fuck, he's kissing me back. He slides his hand into my hair and pulls me tighter against him, and I slide my leg between his as I buck against him. I slide my hand down his body, over every tattoo and every plane of every muscle.

I slide my hand in the front of his boxer shorts. I grip his dick tight in my hand, and he bucks against me. I smile into the kiss. I slowly start to tease his dick in my hand, rubbing him up and down and sliding my thumb across the head. I grind against him, and he fists my hair.

Kissing me till we're both gasping, he's bucking and thrusting against my hand.

"Ryder," he whispers out as his breath stutters and his eyes go wide as he cums. I slide my thumb through it and bring it up to my mouth, sliding it between my lips. I groan, and my eyes flutter closed. When I open them, Jay is staring at me with a dazed look on his face, and I lean in and gently press my lips to his.

"Sleep." I smile against his lips. He nods and turns in my arms, and I pull him back against me.

When I wake up the next morning, I squeeze him tighter, and he groans. He shuffles back, and I'm sure my dick pokes him as he gasps and jumps out of bed. He stares at me for a second before disappearing into the bathroom.

"Fuck."

What the fuck was I thinking? He's my best friend, and I've fucked this up. It's just… I've been in love with him forever, and he broke my heart when he turned me down when we were thirteen, and I never tried again. I've loved him as my friend, but last night… fuck, it was everything I thought I had with Arch, but more. He's all I've ever wanted, but I know he's not gay. I just … fuck, it felt like nothing I've ever felt before, and I've just ruined everything. What if I've just lost the one person who loves me unconditionally? I've screwed it all up, and when I normally feel like this out-of-control, Jay's the one I go to, the one I trust with everything.

My mind is racing, and fuck… I need to… I need to fucking leave. I can't have him walk back out of the bathroom with that look on his face, the one where he's disappointed in me, the one where he flicks me the look, and I know I've fucked up and need to apologise, because I don't think I can apologise. I love him. I always have. That's why I never got close to anyone. Then Arch came, but he still wasn't Jay.

I slide out of bed and fuck. My clothes are still in the bathroom. I open Jay's wardrobe and grab a jogging suit. I pull it on and slide out of the room, slipping my feet in my boots. I quietly click the door shut behind me. I pull out my phone and go to text him, but I send a voice note instead.

Ryder:"Jay."

My voice cracks, and I let out a sob.

Ryder:"Fuck, Jay. I'm so sorry, I'm so, so, sorry, please don't hate me."

I hang up and run home. I burst through the door, and Mum and Dad are sitting at the table having breakfast. Tears are streaming down my face, and Mum stands to greet me. I fall into her arms and sob. I feel Dad get up and hug us.

"I've lost everything, Mum." I sob again. "I activated my dumb fuck switch, and I ruined everything."

"Baby, you're not making any sense."

"I got drunk, went to Jay's, he got drunk with me, and I kissed him, we did… stuff, and when we woke up this morning, he freaked out, and… I left. I… I've lost him."

"Baby, just give him time, okay? You two have been there for each other forever, and that doesn't just go away because you kissed."

"But I took it too far. I don't think we will come back from it. I don't think he will come back from it. I've ruined everything."

They hug me tighter, but I know the damage is done.