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Chapter 24

I slam the door shut and lock it, sliding down to the floor and trying to rein in my racing heart and pounding chest, the lump in my throat and the cold sweat I've broken out into. I try to breathe through it and relax, but I'm not sure I can handle being this close to him, especially not if he's going to be walking around half-naked all the time. I try to calm myself again before standing and heading to the sink. I splash some water on my face, but it doesn't really help. I didn't bring anything with me to have a shower. It's all in the suitcase where I left it. So now I'm stuck in here and don't know what to do.

Ryder's stuff is neatly laid out, and I could use that, but then I'd smell like him, and I think that would make everything so much worse, but I can't help myself going over to his products and smelling them all, closing my eyes and imagining it"s him there with me. Encompassing me, dominating me like I heard in the shower block that time, and I wish I'd stayed and not freaked out and run off. Taking a breath, I realise I have a raging hard-on, too. What the fuck am I going to do about that? I can't walk out of here like this, and I can't stay in here till it's gone down on its own. It throbs in my chinos, and I undo the button and slide down the zip. Resting my hand above the toilet, I lean over it and slowly slide my hand down over my erection.

I groan and bite my lip, trying to keep my breathing regulated and my mind off him. I don't want to keep doing this, picturing him, making myself cum. As soon as I look at him, I'm going to be hard all the time. But as I start to stroke myself, it"s him; he invades my mind, and now I've seen him naked, it's all I can picture. Those toned abs, that tight chest, those bulging biceps, those long muscled thighs, and his arse, that tight firm arse, my breath hitches as I tighten my grip, sliding my hand over my shaft faster till I feel my balls tighten, and his name is a whisper on my lips as I cum into the toilet.

I close my eyes and shake my head. I'm not gonna survive here. I have all these feelings, and I've no idea what to do with them. Being in such close proximity to him is going to be a challenge. I can't lock myself in the bathroom and hope he's not there when I leave.

I clean up and take a breath, pushing out into the room, but it's empty, and I sigh before I see the balcony door open. I take a few steps towards it, and through the thin voile, I can see his hulking frame leaning on the balcony, looking out over it. He has his ankles crossed and his elbows resting on the rail. He's still only in his boxer shorts, and I look over him wantonly, biting my lip as I appreciate the form before me; he really is a work of art. He's a good four inches or more taller than me, with slightly tanned skin and all those tattoos. He's… hot. He knows he is, too, and he's definitely gay.

I'm not gay, though, but looking at him, I'm not totally sure that I'm straight, either. I wish I could be more like him. He knows who he is and what he wants, and me? I was only doing this to get Mother and Father to notice me, and when that didn't work, I just kept at it as I'm good at it. I want to be a part of something for me. My parents have my whole life mapped out.

I studied business at university and went to Cambridge to get my master's degree to take over my father's business, but I don't want that. I wanted to be an architect. I love drawing buildings. It's my passion, but that didn't matter. It wasn't on the cards for me, and although I'm allowed this ‘hobby' as my parents see it, I know as soon as Father decides to retire, it's all over. I will have to quit no matter how well I'm doing.

I close my eyes and clench my fist, seething at the idea that my life isn't my own, that I'm only here on a temporary basis because it keeps me out of Father's way unless he needs me to flaunt around at social events. And when I take over the business, I know I will have to answer to the board, so that won't even be mine either. I won't even get to choose who I marry. Just once, I'd like to make a decision for myself and not hold back.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" his voice breaks me from my inner turmoil, and he's standing so close I can almost feel his breath skating across my skin.

My eyes slowly rise to meet his gaze, but not before taking in every inch of exposed skin. I swallow hard when I meet his brutal stare, arms crossed tight across his taught, toned, tattooed chest, his stubbled chin and soft pink lips, those dark penetrating eyes that I can feel digging into my soul and then the smirk that makes me question… everything.

"Nothing," I snap.

Pushing past him, grabbing my suitcase and tossing it on the bed, I busy myself emptying it as he shakes his head and walks away. He flops back onto the bed, snatches the TV remote, and puts on some crime documentary. He throws one arm behind his head and shoves the other into the waist of his boxer shorts.

I'm sure my gulp is audible as his eyes flick to mine before I drop my gaze. I don't want him to think I'm checking him out, but I struggle to keep myself in check around him. At the minute, I'm all over the place, and when I look back up, he's watching the TV and lazily stroking his hand backwards and forwards, and it"s mesmerising. I lick my lips and sigh before realising that's what I've just done and trying to cover it up with a yawn. I continue to empty my case, and when I've done, I'm at a loss for what to do. We have a weekend of meet and greets introducing us to the team members and getting to know the other guys, and I need to keep a wide berth from Ryder as much as I can.

We have a couple of hours till we're expected to meet in the dining room, so I head into the shower. When I come out, the room is empty. He's gone, but the room is surprisingly tidy. There's a t-shirt laid over the chair, and it's the one he was wearing when he got here. I don't know why, but I walk over and pick it up, inhaling long and slow, and my eyes flutter closed.

The door opens, and I spin, only to be caught with his t-shirt in my hands.

"What are you doing?" he asks as he crosses his thick arms across his chest.

"Fucking tidying up," I snap. "Clothes tossed everywhere. It's like you were dragged up!" I bark at him, trying to hide my embarrassment at being caught.

He storms over, snatching the t-shirt out of my hands and pushing me back, sending me sprawling across his bed. "Don't touch my fucking shit."

He throws it back on the chair, snatches something off the desk and storms back out. I sigh at the interaction. He makes me so confused. I want to talk to him but don't know how. I want to be friends but also don't know how. More and mostly, I want to be around him without being a dick, but when I'm near him again, my walls just go up, and I can't bare it and don't know how to stop it. I thought I was on the right track before, but now it seems to have all gone out of the window.

I get myself ready and head downstairs. I think I'm the first to arrive when I hear laughing coming from the bar. They're all there, Ryder, the four other guys and John. I realise I've been so caught up in him and how he makes me feel that I've forgotten what I'm here for, so I stroll in, pulling out my credit card.

"Can I get you all a drink?" They all look at their full drinks and back at me before declining.

Ryder gives me a look that makes me think he thinks I'm being a twat. I sigh again and slide onto one of the stools. They all get up to head to the dining room. Ryder rolls his eyes at me and nods his head to follow them.

Snatching my drink, I slosh it over my beige chinos, and it makes me look like I've wet myself.

"Fucking great," I mutter, and he turns and glares at me before shaking his head and walking off. Why am I such a sap around him? I try to shake myself out of it and follow them into the dining hall, dabbing a napkin on my lap.

We're all seated together for dinner, and the others chat, laugh, and get to know each other, but I can't seem to fit in. I don't understand a lot of the jokes. I'm not sure what some of them are saying with their accents, but mainly, I can hear his voice over everyone's, and I hang on to every word. What the fuck is wrong with me? I nod and agree with many things to show willingness, but once we've eaten, I make my excuses and head back to the room.

Once I'm up there, I berate myself for not knowing how to even hold my own in a conversation. Before Ryder I'd never interacted with any other guys around the track besides the track bunnies. I had a few hang-arounds from school, but again, not friends, just people I barked orders at and threw money at to get them to do what I wanted. For example, the night we went to terrorise Ryder at the supermarket he works at, but I haven't seen any of them since he put me in my place and made me look foolish.

I put my pyjamas on and slide into bed, and I'm pretty sure I cry myself to sleep again.