Chapter Twenty-Eight

J asper could not pull his eyes from Vanessa. After ten months without a glimpse of her, months when he feared he would never see her again, he could scarcely bear to blink and miss another moment.

She gestured absently toward the table as though to offer him breakfast, but her hand shook, and she didn’t speak.

“Vanessa, I wanted to do this perfectly.”

He’d meant to charm her. Woo her. Had he thought it would be easy? A fairy tale ending in a quaint country setting? Instead, he’d stormed in screeching like a banshee, as if it mattered that Crispin’s cottage was falling down about their heads.

“Do what, exactly?” Vanessa asked. He recognized that tone, that struggle to keep her voice calm. “What did you mean by bringing your sister?”

He groaned. He hadn’t meant to lead with Olivia.

“She was supposed to swoop in when needed to convince you of my sincerity.”

“I’ve never accused you of insincerity.” She frowned, baffled.

Could a proposal of marriage be so far from her mind? Surely, she couldn’t be expecting him to once again offer her carte blanche . The thought knifed him.

He stepped toward her, but she stiffened as though fearing he would try to gather her into his arms. So he halted. The room was cozy enough with a fire in the hearth and the scent of freshly brewed tea. There was no perfect place or perfect moment that would ensure her answer. She would take him back, or she would not.

He reached into his pocket and then went down on one knee. He held up a ring.

“Please, marry me, Vanessa. Please.”

“Marry you!” She took a step back. Away. She might just as well have stabbed him. He would never have imagined her to be frightened by him. Or repelled.

“Please tell me it isn’t too late.”

“Of course, it’s too late! And not just too late. It was never possible. Jasper, what are you thinking? You are an earl! Reginald says you’re involving yourself in politics. You can’t—”

“Reginald says?” He jumped up, involuntarily looking right and left as if his brother would emerge from the shadows. “ Reginald says! Good God!” When had she talked to Reg? “Did you tell everyone how to find you except me?”

“Our paths crossed by accident.”

“By accident.” He wanted to hit something. Throw something. This was his brother! Both of his brothers. They’d known where to find Vanessa. They’d spoken to her. About him. They’d seen his misery and yet said nothing to him? “I expect as much from Crispin,” he spat, “but not Reg.”

“Expect what?”

“Disloyalty!” Or God knew what. What a prig he sounded. “If not their loyalty, I deserve their pity, at least. My God, Vanessa. You can’t know how this has been for me.”

“Can I not?”

“God.” He pulled out a chair, sank into it, and put his face in his hands. He was showing her his worst self. “I am ruining this. Ruining it.”

“Jasper—”

“Do you see what a destroyed man I am?” He laughed bitterly, more of a mutter than a laugh. “I can’t even…”

“Be inoffensively charming?”

She sat down beside him. He opened his eyes and faced her. She wasn’t mocking him. She looked sad. Understanding and sad.

“Yes,” he said, mocking himself. “I can’t even be inoffensively charming. The one thing I held over my brothers. Crispin cannot be inoffensive, and Reg cannot charm.”

“Stop it, Jasper. Just stop. Talk to me rationally. How on earth do you imagine we could marry? I’ve been your mistress.”

“That does not make it illegal.”

“It makes it wrong.”

“Wrong how?”

She shrugged, scowling with annoyance. “Wrong as in scandalous.”

“I think it should correct the scandal I should never have caused. I should have asked you to marry me then.” He put his hand tentatively on her arm, but she brushed it off.

“When? When we were strangers to one another? If you recall, we were in bed before I was even comfortable using your Christian name.”

“Then what, Vanessa?” Exasperated, Jasper rested his hands on his knees, making an effort not to reach for her again. “How could we have made this right? We belong together. You know we do. Everyone knows. How do we make this right?”

“I don’t think we can. Marrying now would not change what we were.”

“No. But it will change what we are. And what we can be. I can’t live without you.”

“That is a cliché. You can. You will. You’ll find—”

“Please don’t say I will find someone else.”

“You need an heir.”

“Crispin is my heir.”

“ Crispin? ” She might have laughed but his seriousness evidently unsettled her. She shook her head and murmured, expressionless, “He won’t stand for that.”

“There are some things Crispin cannot control.”

Vanessa rose and began pacing, as if too agitated to sit still.

“Marrying me will frustrate your political aspirations.”

This gave him hope. She was discussing it. Arguing, but not saying no. His pulse beat fast in his ears.

“I have none. None beyond voting my conscience. I’m not a leader.”

“You could be. Don’t you see? That is your gift. Your talent. People like and admire you. You have a responsibility.”

That was essentially the same argument he had thrown at Hazard. And Hazard rejected it. So could he. Britain would not miss one more blowhard Tory.

“Vanessa, I have a responsibility to you.”

“I am not your responsibility.”

“To myself then. I’m not willing to lose you.” He remembered what he had promised Crispin. “Unless you refuse me. If you don’t want me—”

“I want you, Jasper. Of course, I want you.” She spoke with a matter-of-factness that was somehow more dismissive than if she told him she did not. She retook her seat. “But I recognize that I can’t have everything that I want. And, earl or not, you can’t either.”

“But if we both want the same?”

She shook her head and then stared, glassy-eyed, down at the table. “Tell me what would happen if I said yes. Tell me what you foresee. If you’ve thought it through.”

She was giving him a chance. He took her hand.

“We’ll marry. I-I’ll get a license. Have the banns read. We’ll have a small service in Iversley. Like Reg and Georgiana.”

She curled her lip. “Oh, exactly like them. Young and innocent. Then what? Where will we live?”

“Chaumbers. And Grosvenor Square while Parliament is in session.”

“Am I to come to London with you?”

“Of course.” He squeezed her hand. She slipped it away.

“Am I to play hostess to your friends in Society? Do you imagine their wives will attend my soirees? Will they invite me to their balls?”

“Some will.”

“No. They won’t.”

“Vanessa, you had friends in Society before. Why do you think they will not welcome you again? Don’t falter now—”

“Where will your mother be?”

“The dower house at Chaumbers. She will be welcome, of course, at Grosvenor Square when she comes to London.”

“ I am to welcome her?”

“Would you not?”

“Would she come?”

Jasper scraped back his chair to lean forward, elbows on knees. “This is when I would have brought in Olivia. Vanessa, do you think I abducted her? My mother knows she’s here. Meeting you.”

“She knows you intended to propose marriage to me?” Vanessa looked stunned.

He nodded. Waited.

“And what was her reaction?” He heard the skepticism in her voice.

“She said that I should do the right thing.”

He hesitated to use his mother’s pain to his advantage. Yet it was something he felt Vanessa should know. He sat up straight again.

“Just before my father died, I learned something…terrible. I had always believed my family to be close. To be blessed beyond measure.”

“It is.”

“My parents seemed to me to be loving. They certainly created a loving home for us. They were always courteous to one another.” His voice caught and he cleared his throat. “But my father had a mistress before he married my mother and kept her throughout most of their years together. I have a half-brother Reg’s age.”

Vanessa’s eyes went wide, and she put her hand on his leg. “I’m so sorry. What a difficult thing to discover. And at such a troubled time.” She frowned, turning away, and removing her hand. “I can hardly believe it. He was so upright. So…”

“So false? So hypocritical? So cruel to my mother?”

“She knew?”

He nodded. “I don’t know when or how she found out. Maybe she knew all along. She doesn’t discuss it, naturally.”

“No wonder she doesn’t like me.”

“It isn’t personal. She doesn’t want pity. She said she did not. She was a countess and that was important to her. She cared for my father, and he was good to her—her words. In the eyes of the ton, he was better than most. And she says she would not have traded the family we have for anything in the world.”

“But he didn’t love her.”

Jasper shrugged. He could not, even now, believe his father had been cold to his mother. But he said, “Not enough. And not in the way that I love you. I can’t…I can’t emulate him. I admire him in so many other ways, but I won’t marry another woman when I feel this way about you. I was a fool to think I could. Thank God Reg and Georgiana found one another. I would have made her miserable.”

They sat for a long moment in silence. Vanessa coughed, then took a drink of her cold tea. She rubbed her palms on her skirt, still staring ahead. She was not saying no. He held onto that. He was afraid to ask her again, to push her, so he waited. She cleared her throat again.

“Will your coach take me to Cartmel?”

“To Cartmel? Why?”

“It’s where I live. I need to go home.”

He stared at her. Heart sinking. “Why?”

“I’m not hiding from you anymore, Jasper. But I have a life there. You haven’t asked me about it.”

“I would have. I want to know everything, Vanessa. You can’t think I am not desperately curious about what you’ve been doing. Tell me now.” He stroked her arm. “Talk to me.”

“Stop.” She jumped to her feet and stepped behind her chair. “Jasper, I need to think. Away from you. You make it all sound…possible.”

“Why isn’t it?”

“For you—for you it is. Because you’re a man. And an earl. But think of me. There will never be a time when the majority of your society, the people we must associate with, will not look upon me with scorn. Perhaps they won’t cut me openly. But I’ll know. I’ll feel their contempt.”

“Then we’ll stay in Chaumbers. I’ll vote by proxy. We’ll only associate with—”

“No! That is being ashamed. I won’t live in shame.”

He swallowed his pain. He could not make her life a misery.

“You are refusing me?”

“No. I mean…I don’t know.” She wrung her hands. “I can’t reason with myself when I’m here with you. I want to say yes. You can’t know how much. But we jumped into something once far too quickly. I don’t regret it. I don’t. But I’m older and wiser now. I hope I am. I can’t say yes without considering what I will lose as well as what I will gain.”

“How long do you need?”

“I don’t know.”

“The horses cannot…I’m not making excuses, but the horses need to be rested before they can undertake the trip to Cartmel. If you can wait until morning…”

“I think we both know that is unwise.”

“Ah.” He could control himself. Probably. He tried to jest. “We could have Crispin stand guard at your door.”

“No. He refuses to do that.”

“What!”

Vanessa hummed an embarrassed half-laugh. “Well, he did. You know how he can be.”

He stood. He would rather kiss her until she yielded, but he would do anything, anything, to convince her of his good faith.

“I’ll take a room tonight at the inn in Binnings. Tomorrow, my coach will take you to Cartmel. But, Vanessa,” he tried not to sound pleading, “when will you send word that I can come to you for my answer?”

“Will you be here? Or in London? Or at Chaumbers?”

“Wherever you want me to be.” Then he added, “But here is closest.” Soonest.

“Three days. Come to me in three days unless you hear otherwise.”

“Otherwise?” He felt as though a nail had been driven through his chest. “Do you mean this may be the last time I will ever see you?”

“Maybe,” she groaned. “I don’t know.”

No. No. No. No.

“May I, Vanessa, will you kiss me before I go?”

“I can’t. Jasper, don’t ask that. I can’t.”

He didn’t trust himself to speak. He turned and walked to the door. Stiffly. Afraid of breaking. Afraid he would never see her again. Never hear her voice. Never touch her. Never raise a family with her. He couldn’t bear it. It took all his strength not to turn back, run to her, and crush her in his arms. Convince her. But that might drive her further away.

As he started to open the door, she said, “Jasper?”

He turned.

She put two fingertips to her lips and blew him a kiss.