Chapter 32

Bailey

Sometimes I had to wonder if God, fate, or some other mythical force was calling in a debt as payback for all the fame I’d attained in my life. Was the hell I’d been living the last three years some sort of penance for having had a life like most people only dreamed of? Was I now only entitled to pain, misery, and loneliness because I’d been lucky enough to follow my dreams?

I poured my fourth cup of coffee and stared at the screen of my laptop.

The headlines were disappointing.

Completely false, other than the fact that I had a limp and had stumbled at one point on the way out of the ballroom.

Everything else had been fabricated, but these journalists knew what they were doing, using words like ‘allegedly’ and ‘purportedly’ and ‘according to an unnamed source.’ Those were the things that allowed them to make shit up to get more clicks. Which led to advertising dollars.

No matter how you sliced it, it all came down to money.

The irony here was that I wasn’t making any of it.

Everyone else was making money off of me and at my expense. Indirectly, of course, but it boiled down to the same thing.

And it pissed me off.

I was probably channeling my energy into anger since I didn’t want to think about my broken heart, but I wasn’t sure it was a healthier coping mechanism.

My knee-jerk reaction to what had happened last night had been to retreat into myself, into the safety and security of my home. Where, in my mind anyway, nothing could hurt me. I was safe here, hidden away from the world and Dirk and the myriad opportunities for pain out in the real world.

Except that was where Jensen lived.

And last night it had hit me that I couldn’t be with him unless I was ready to live there too. A tiny part of me was, but the rest of me had looked at this morning’s headlines and was metaphorically rocking the corner somewhere. In the dark. By myself. Away from all the bad things in the world. Of course, that metaphorical corner also kept me away from the good things too. Like Jensen. And the career I’d loved so much.

Jensen and I had talked once about how much I’d let all of this crap control my life, and it made me furious that it was happening all over again. It also bothered me that I let it influence decisions I made, like where I could go or whom I could be with. And that was all my own doing.

It felt like it was time to take back control, but I didn’t know how.

My phone had been buzzing all morning, with messages from Manny, Lucia, Sage, Joan, and even from Stella. I probably wouldn’t hear from Stella once she realized that Jensen and I weren’t together anymore, and that hurt. Losing Jensen meant losing her too.

And Leif.

Probably our whole Crusaders group because how could we play together after the breakup? That would be rubbing salt in an already raw wound.

I was feeling sorry for myself, conflicted about all my life choices as I sipped coffee and stared off at nothing.

I’d learned a long time ago not to get caught up in the headlines. You couldn’t let it get to you or it would eat you up inside, but that had been when I’d been strong and healthy, and this was now. Now I was… what? What the hell was I now? Delicate? Broken? Weak?

I hated every one of those words.

Everything was different in my life, but some of the changes were good ones.

I’d sold scripts and written a book I was planning to publish.

I had a movie deal in the works, which meant money was coming in again.

I didn’t have a lot of friends, but the ones I did have were dependable and loyal.

And I’d had an amazing man in my life.

The kind of man I’d always dreamed of.

After experiencing the kind of love and attention he’d showered on me, how could I go back to living without it? Without him?

I paced until my hip warned me it would rebel soon, and I plopped down on the couch in frustration.

When Joan’s name appeared on the screen of my phone, I was in a really bad mood.

“How’s it hanging, girlfriend?” she asked in her usual brusque manner.

“Pretty limp today,” I admitted.

“You’re a pain in the ass, you know that?” she demanded. “Do you have any idea how beautiful you looked last night? And what a hunk that boyfriend of yours is! I had no idea you were dating one of the Phantoms.”

I snorted. “No one did.”

“Look, there are some business things we have to discuss, but let’s have a quick personal conversation first.”

I groaned. “I’m really not up for a lecture.”

“Not a lecture, just some insight from someone who’s lived two decades longer than you—and started out in Hollywood just like you. I was a model and aspiring actress in my early twenties. Honestly, I had some talent but not the looks to go with it—they said I was too exotic. Whatever that means. Anyway, the point is, I heard the hurtful shit over and over, until I started to believe it. When I got tired of letting them beat me down, I got a job at a talent agency and never looked back.

“But you? You do have the looks. The talent. The resume. And the fan base. I’d be willing to bet my left tit that while you’ve read some headlines, you haven’t bothered to look at the comments. The love that’s out there. The people and fans who still adore you. And more than that, the young women who look up to you. Especially the ones with disabilities.”

“What?” She caught me off-guard with that last part. “What are you talking about?”

“I sent you some links,” she said. “But let me read one to you. This one is from Candy17. She wrote, ‘don’t listen to the haters, Bailey! You’re my hero. I was in a car accident four years ago, when I was thirteen, and I’m in a wheelchair. Seeing you walk away from Dirk last night made me so happy. Your body is a little broken, but you haven’t let it break your soul.’ You haven’t let it break your soul, Bailey.” She repeated the last part emphatically. “Yes, there are some haters out there, but there are so many more messages of love. People who are rooting for you. Looking up to you. Even now. I don’t know how you can turn your back on that.”

I’d had no idea.

As I scanned the links she’d sent me, I realized she was right.

There was a lot more love than hate. Only a handful of people had something snarky to say about me cheating on Dirk with Jensen and other ridiculousness.

The majority was filled with positivity.

“Please come back to acting.” Joan read another one. “You’ve been my favorite since Brooding Highway. And you’re the reason I want to be an actress when I grow up.”

Brooding Highway was the television show I’d starred in for several years that jumpstarted my career and opened a lot of doors for me.

“Okay, I get it,” I interrupted when she started to read another one. “I still have fans.”

“A lot of them. And I’m not the only one who noticed.”

“What does that mean?”

“I heard from LoveLand this morning. They saw the videos and photos from last night and think you look amazing. They don’t care about your limp. They not only want you to be in the movie but they also want you to play the lead.”

“They…what?” My mouth had fallen open.

“They think altering the storyline to make the heroine a woman with a limp would reach an audience they haven’t tapped into yet. And before you lose your mind, I already told them I didn’t think you’d want to do it, but there’s a lot of money on the table. Real money, Bailey. Money like you used to make money.”

I swallowed.

I’d been excited about a six-figure payday for selling the script.

The money she was talking about was more like seven figures.

The kind of money I’d thought I would never see again.

The kind of money that would force me to take a hard look at myself and the decisions I’d been making.

“Joan, I have to think,” I said after a moment. “It’s tempting. I just… I’m a mess right now. Jensen and I had a fight last night and I’ve been moping today.”

“Did you do something stupid?”

“Yeah. Maybe. Probably.”

“Well, your personal life is none of my business, but if I were twenty years younger, I’d climb that hunk of hockey hotness like a tree.”

I chuckled. “He is deliciously climbable. But Joan, doesn’t he deserve better? Someone without anxiety and stress and self-esteem issues?”

“Isn’t that for him to decide? He’s yummy, but I’m sure he comes with his own quirks. I bet he’s gone a lot during hockey season. He could get traded at any time, and potentially more than once between now and when he retires. He’s off all summer and, depending on what you decide about your career, you might be working on a movie or a TV show or have writing deadlines. So, your schedules could conflict. No relationship is perfect. The key is finding the person who makes you so happy it’s worth the hard times.”

“You mean like now?” I asked softly.

“Like now.”

“Dammit, Joan, why do you have to be the voice of reason?”

“Because you never had a mom, so someone has to step into the role once in a while to knock some sense into you.”

“Thanks. I think.”

“Listen, think about the offer. And when I say think, I don’t mean blow smoke up my ass. I mean, hang up and dig deep. Don’t let your fear and insecurity override your hopes and dreams. Because your career may not be what it was, but it doesn’t have to be over. You can work in a more limited capacity. You’re not taking on any superhero roles, but there’s a hell of a lot of opportunity in between not working at all and action-adventure flicks.”

“We’ll talk in a couple of days. I promise.”

“Ciao!”

She disconnected and I sat there for a long time, thinking about what she’d said. Then I read some more comments and messages from fans and readers online.

There was a lot of love out there, and the good far outweighed the bad.

Much like in my relationship with Jensen.

If I was honest, there really was no bad when it came to him.

He was everything to me.

If we had to move to Tennessee or St. Louis or Alaska, I’d gladly go so I could be with him. If—and it was still a big if—but if I decided to take on any acting roles, I would simply come back to L.A. or wherever they were filming.

I could also write from anywhere.

But I wasn’t sure I could ever be happy again without him.

All I had to do was come to terms with not living in the shadows anymore.

The idea of going back to the life I’d had before, even if it was slightly different now, was terrifying, but I would have been lying if I’d said it didn’t also excite me. I’d never dared to let myself hope I could have any part of my career back, yet I suddenly had hope. Last night had proven that it wouldn’t be easy, it never was, but how could I not at least try?

And I had Jensen to thank for it.

If he hadn’t pulled me out of my self-imposed exile, most of this wouldn’t be happening.

I’d been an idiot last night.

I didn’t know what was going to happen professionally, but I didn’t want to do any of it without Jensen. He made me better, stronger, and most of all, happier. He’d managed to fix all the broken parts of my soul, to the point where even the physical limitations didn’t seem so bad anymore.

Before I could talk myself out of it, I went into the bathroom and ran a bath. Then I texted Manny to see if he had an extra ticket to the game tonight. I wanted to surprise Jensen, but I didn’t want to call and distract him beforehand. I had the pass that would get me down to the family lounge, and I’d wait for him there.

I was so lost in thought, excited and nervous about seeing Jensen again, I was completely caught off-guard when the room started to shake.

Earthquake.

Shit.

I grabbed the counter for balance, trying to figure out if this was a big one or just a run-of-the-mill earthquake. As a native, I’d experienced quite a few over the years, so they didn’t freak me out too much.

Except this one was strong.

And it didn’t seem to be letting up.

Bottles were rattling and I was having a hard time keeping my balance.

There was a bang and I barely got out of the way as one of my decorative shelves came crashing down.

I turned off the water and had just gotten to the bedroom when I lost my balance, landing hard on my bad hip. Pain shot through me and I screamed, covering my head as items began flying off of shelves.

I wrapped my arms around myself and tried to protect my head as best I could.

There was nothing to do now but wait and pray.