EPILOGUE

- amari -

I lie on my back, my eyes staring up at the black of the cave ceiling. Not for the first time since waking up here—actually since waking up on that damned ship—I ask myself how the hell I got here. What choices did I make to lay brick-by-brick the road that led me here?

Samra makes a soft grunting noise from her bed of furs next to me. I turn my head to look at her, checking to make sure she's still asleep. Thankfully she is because I need a bit more time to myself before I have to pretend to be okay for everyone.

After the fiasco with confronting the chief, our new little clan had set off immediately. With the number of new people, especially the number of kids, it's taking us twice as long as the first time to make it back to the valley. And, we have to stop at both hunter's caves on the way. We've already hit one, hence the cave that I'm currently lying in.

With twenty-seven people, not everyone can fit in the cave. Kuvier determined that unmated women, children, and any lone elders would sleep in the cave. Everyone else is sleeping in fur tepee-like tents outside.

I hear rustling and tilt my head ever so slightly to see Xo carefully standing, her cloak wrapped around her, tiptoeing out of the cave. I don't miss the quiet sniffle she gives before she disappears.

Xo is the one that ended up without a mate, which sucks really bad. She's the only one of us that actively wanted one. She tries not to show it, but I can tell it bothers her. I wish she and I could switch places. She's older than Enikk for sure, but he would make a good mate to anybody.

Just not me.

I still don't know what to do about him, on that vein. I'm the only one vehemently fighting this whole mate thing, besides Krissy. But Krissy had a fiancé before the abduction, so that makes sense. No one really gets my reluctance. I can see the judgment in the eyes of the Lieq members whenever they notice me avoiding Enikk. Sometimes, the other women even judge me for it.

It's been two full days of travel, and so far, everyone but me and Krissy has fallen into some form of ease with their mates. No one else is jumping into bed with them, but they are friendly enough. Unlike me, they can smile and be polite and accept the gifts without feeling like they're going to crawl out of their skin.

After a while, I give up on my original plan to go back to sleep. As has been the case nearly every night since we all woke up here, I barely get any sleep. In fact, the last good sleep I had was in a stasis pod.

When it starts to brighten outside, I decide to just go ahead to the small communal fire outside. Maybe I can get a headstart on breakfast by chopping up some meat for Sedona to cook. She doesn't cook for the whole group—a whole clan of people who are mostly Lieq and eat three times what we do would be way too much. But, she still cooks for all us human women and some of the loner clan members.

After our original declaration, we'd only had the extra dudes with mates and a few of their family members. But, when we all met up at the edge of the clan, we ended up with quite a few members who had no familial attachments to the clan. Sedona had explained to us that after all the natural disasters and plagues, a lot of the clan had lost their entire families. Thus, most of the loners were older people and a few orphaned youths who were attempting to live off of Junq's mercy, which was subsistence at best.

I'm careful as I step around sleeping bodies and gather up some frozen meat. My knife, a tool I made myself, is already strapped to my waist, under my tunic, so I make my way outside. It stays on me at all times, though no one knows about it. I'd secretly carved it in the first few days we were here, when everyone else was asleep. It can hardly be called a knife, just an elongated stone chipped to a harsh point, but it brings me some comfort and a semblance of safety at least.

Outside, the air is biting, but there's a small break in the snow. It snowed for the first full day of travel, making it incredibly difficult. I'd worried I'd never get the feeling back in my fingers. I head around Kuvier and Sedona's tent—they'd put it right at the mouth of the cave. Even though no one seems to have any bad intentions, Kuvier has been very serious about us unmated females being safe. Something I am especially appreciative of.

There are a few of the new clan members moving around, a couple pairs of mated Lieq caring for their children. I give small smiles to those that look at me, but mostly keep my head down as I move the few yards needed to get to the fire.

When I round a tent, I stop in my tracks. Enikk is already seated on the ground, his knees up in front of him, whittling at something. I pause, considering going back to the cave until there are more people to be a barrier between us. I don't get the chance to decide.

Without looking up from his project, he says, "If it would make you more comfortable, I will leave."

I immediately feel overrun with guilt. He really is a seemingly nice guy. If I were different, maybe we could have worked, but I can't erase my past, and he can't change that he's in love with a woman that's too damaged to love him back.

"Uh, no, it's fine," I squeak out, moving slowly towards the fire. He grunts in response but still doesn't look at me.

I drag the large flat stone Sedona uses for chopping from its place close to Enikk and sit across from him, the blazing pit between us. I adjust my body, trying to make sure my cloak is a layer between me and the powdery snow beneath my butt. Once I'm settled in front of the cutting stone, I put the slab of meat down.

Surreptitiously checking to make sure he's not looking, I reach under my tunic and pull out my knife. We sit in silence for a long while, me hacking away pieces of meat and him carving at whatever tool he's making.

I can't help but steal glances at him. His face is still cut up and his eye is swollen from the Rite of Challenge. I hate to admit it, but I was actually worried about him during the fight. He held his own, but it was still terrifying not to know what was going on.

No matter how many times I peek at him behind my lashes, he's never looking at me. Enikk has put more and more distance between us, and I should be relieved about that, but I can't tell if I am.

"May I garner some truth from you?" His eyes snap up to mine and my face heats at being caught looking.

I hesitate before I say, "Um, sure."

"Is it just me that you do not want? Would you prefer a different male?"

My body seizes up and I swallow thickly. "What?" I say lamely.

"Would you want another male, a different one than me? Or is it that you want no male at all?" He speaks with so much calm, but inside I'm a chaotic mess. I didn't expect this conversation at this moment and I can't determine how much honesty I should give.

I grimace as I speak, "It's not just you. I don't want to be with anyone."

"Why?" The question isn't accusatory, just inquisitive.

I take a deep breath, struggling to find the words. "I just…I don't want to be tied to anyone."

"Is there something I did to make you uncomfortable?" Enikk's deep gaze stares into me. These guys really do have beautiful eyes. Enikk's are almost hazel. Not the same yellowish gold as Kuvier, but a bronzier version.

"No, I'm just not comfortable with the mating thing as a whole." I decide that it's best to just be honest. "I've never had great luck in relationships and I just don't want to try anymore."

His eyes leave my face while he considers my words, giving me a respite to the stare he bore into my soul.

When he brings his attention back to me, he asks, "You have a mate already? Or had one?"

"Not like this. Um, back where we're from, humans date a lot." I can see the confusion on his face. I scramble, trying to find a way to explain this concept to a man who comes from an entirely monogamous, marriage-based culture.

"Basically, humans do, like, trial matings. We test each other out to see if we're a good fit. Sometimes that turns into a forever mate, like Kuvier and Sedona, and sometimes you split up and try to find someone else."

"That sounds…sad," he responds after a beat. I can't help the bark of laughter out of my mouth.

"It's sadder for some than others." He cocks his head, measuring his next words.

"Your trial matings were sad for you." He says it as a statement, not a question, but I answer anyway.

"Always." I sigh deeply, putting my knife down. "My trial matings were sad and painful and they ruined all matings for me. Forever."

"So because of these males that have not treated you correctly, you cannot give yourself to me?" I'm surprised that his tone isn't angry or full of condescension. It's understanding and gentle, and it makes me want to cry.

"I'm just broken now, Enikk, and I don't know how to give myself to anyone else. I'm sorry you're stuck with me."

Enikk looks at me with a gentleness that makes my chest ache. "You are not broken, only lost. You have never had someone fight for you, only against you. I want to be that person who fights for you. But, do not be sorry. I do not have regrets about the Great Mother making you my mate. She has given you a patient male who is happy to wait for you to find your way. I know that I was meant for you as much as you were meant for me."

I'm stunned into silence and my mouth opens and closes, unable to find any words to say to that. I don't have to because he speaks again a second later.

"May I request just your friendship?" he questions, his expression open and vulnerable.

"I don't know. I don't want to…" I trail off, but finish the sentence in my head— I don't want to give you hope.

"I promise I will not push your boundaries or try to make our friendship more." His forehead crinkles with emotion. "There is more than one way to get to know the mate of your soul. If I cannot be yours, I would like to at least be your friend."

I speak before I fully think it over, "Okay. I think I'd like that."

"Thank you for this kindness, Amari." He clasps his fist to his chest. "I will be a great friend to you, this I vow."

"Erm, thanks, I'll try to be a really good friend, too." He moves to his feet.

"For now, I must go." He walks around the fire and stops in front of me holding something out to me. "This will do far more damage."

I grasp the smooth handle and he walks away, leaving me holding a beautifully-carved red-stoned knife.