Prologue

Aiden

Four years ago

What the hell was happening here? Aiden Sheppard heard what was said, but he couldn't believe it. He resisted the urge to try cleaning out his ears in the hopes that he'd heard wrong. He hadn't and Aiden knew it. He'd been here and done this too many times to believe what he'd heard wasn't correct. They were essentially the same words that had been used so many times in the past. There was no mistaking them or the meaning behind them. He was once again facing a man who was meant to love and accept everyone, watching his prejudice overshadow his calling as the man asked Aiden to leave and not come back.

"You're a good boy with a kind heart but your life choices aren't acceptable." How many times had Aiden heard those words?

"Look, you're a great guy and you have a good heart but I can't be what you need."

"You're a great guy, Aiden. But what you're looking for…. It's messed up."

"Aiden, you're sweet, but I'm not into that crap."

"You're a good kid but…"

There had been so many buts in Aiden's life that he wondered how he hadn't crumbled beneath the weight of his baggage.

"We can't have someone so blatantly disrespecting the word of God representing a church dedicated to following it." The words brought Aiden from his fucked up memories and back into the present.

"And how, exactly, am I disrespecting it?" Aiden asked the question, but he already knew the answer. He'd been here and done this before, as well. It wasn't easy being a Catholic and openly gay. It wasn't always so blatantly obvious. He wasn't always asked outright to leave, but he'd felt the sting of being pushed out many times.

He'd been pushed out of churches since he'd first come out as a teen. He'd been urged to listen to God and follow His will as if he wasn't already. He'd been asked to change who he was in order to fit in. But Aiden had become used to not fitting in. He'd never fit in at church, he'd never fit in at school, and he'd never fit in to the kink community. Not completely. He'd become used to being the outcast and he'd become used to being cast out.

This time it stung worse, however. He'd thought he'd finally found a home here. He wasn't sure why he'd allowed himself to but, he'd thought he had connected with members and made friends. He'd gotten comfortable because he'd attended so long. Last Sunday, however, he'd walked in with his boyfriend, holding hands, making no secret of the fact they were a couple. Aiden had finally felt like he could. This conversation proved he'd been wrong.

Now, he'd once again lost everything. He'd been through so many times of being shunned and disparaged, but he'd never had it happen twice in one day before. He'd never had the man he thought he might be able to love turn him away for who he was and have the church do the same no more than an hour later.

"Man shall not lie with other men," the priest said, bringing Aiden back to the moment. He was paraphrasing, of course. Aiden knew the Bible well enough to know that wasn't the exact wording and that the verse being referenced wasn't meant to be used the way the priest was using it. He also knew from experience that arguing his point wouldn't do any good. He'd been there and done that as well.

Someone determined to believe what they wanted to believe wouldn't change their opinion. They'd argue every point until they were blue in the face, deny every fact thrown at them, twist anything they could to make it fit their agenda, and in the end, they'd ignore the evidence and stick to their fucked-up belief anyway.

Aiden simply nodded his head and turned to leave. He ignored the tears that escaped. He'd shed plenty before coming there but it seemed they didn't have an end, so he let them trail down his cheeks unheeded. He'd been stupid to believe he'd found something good for him.

He'd always drawn the short straw in life and even though he'd tried to be a good person and do good things, sometimes it seemed that God had abandoned him, leaving him to fend for himself. People called Aiden a computer genius–whatever that meant–yet it seemed that his advanced intelligence with computers was offset by his complete lack of knowledge about how so much of the world worked. Clearly, Aiden still couldn't tell good people from bad, since he'd yet to find a group of people that would accept him, much less become his family.

Straddling his bike, Aiden opened the Bible in his hand to the bookmarked page, spread it over the handlebars in front of him, and read the scripture he'd always used when life knocked him down. He needed it now, needed to feel like there was hope. Because at that moment, it didn't seem there was any.

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will surely help you; I will uphold you with My right hand of righteousness." It didn't feel like He was with Aiden, but Aiden knew that sometimes it just seemed that way. Something in Aiden urged him to move on, to find a new place and start over. Maybe that was God sending him to where he was meant to be forever. It never had been before, but it could happen, right?

Once he reached his house, he changed from his Sunday church clothes and donned his usual attire of jeans and a T-shirt. While he'd ordinarily sport something with a gaming theme and a bright, cheerful message, Aiden wasn't in the mood for the cute, happy sayings. He'd chosen instead a plain black shirt to go with his black jeans. It seemed fitting since he was mourning the loss of his hope.

Aiden opened his computer and got to work searching for locations that would offer him a new beginning. When he landed on a page for a town four hours away, he stopped and stared at the screen. It didn't seem much different than any of the other small towns in Texas, or America for that matter, but something was pulling him to it. He didn't want to open any new tabs. He was no longer interested in researching new places. This one fascinated him.

Bookmarking the page in his browser, Aiden set about packing. Despite his being sent away yet again, Aiden felt his hope of finding his family blooming again. He couldn't let this break him. He'd never had a family before, and Aiden knew that what he was searching for was out there somewhere. Despite his crappy day, he smiled at the prospect of starting over.

He tried not to let himself get too hopeful for his new beginning. After all, the higher the hope, the harder the fall when it all came crashing down. He knew he needed to get out of this town, though. He couldn't live in a community where he'd consistently run into the very people who had judged him unworthy and shunned him. So, Aiden packed only what he needed or couldn't leave behind. He was heading to Lilton, TX as soon as possible.

Rocky

Four Years Ago

Rocky D'Angelo stood stiffly and watched. He had to hold himself stiff or he'd crumple to the ground. Tears leaked from his eyes as the casket was lowered. With each inch it sank, memories played in his head, seeming to take on life inside his mind.

All the huge moments of their lives together danced through his memory. Meeting Seth in the coffee shop and knowing in an instant that Seth was his. The first date, when Seth tested the waters by wearing a cartoon t-shirt. Finding out for certain that Seth was the Little boy Rocky had been searching for. Saying "I do" in front of Elvis in Vegas, because Seth wanted to be married by a king. The first time he carried Seth into their newly purchased home.

Mundane moments crowded into the stream as if to say, "I am here and just as important!" They were important. Infinitely important. They were the little things that Rocky had taken for granted, and now he'd give anything to have them back. Making Seth knight-in-shining-armor pancake art. Playing Tickly-Tootsies at bedtime. Feeding Seth bites of popcorn as he was curled in Rocky's lap watching The Sword in the Stone for the seven hundredth time.

Then, the memories shifted. The bright and happy reminders faded to ash and were replaced by that first hospital visit, the doctor's diagnosis, and the first time in Rocky's life that he'd ever truly felt completely useless. He still felt that way. How could Rocky protect Seth from his own body? How could he stop a disease that was unstoppable?

Those distant memories of happy times were swallowed up by memories of watching his boy slowly wither away and being unable to do a goddamn thing about it. Doctor visits where Seth had deteriorated more and more each time. Sitting with Seth as he received transfusion after transfusion, none of which would help in the long run. The only thing that could help Seth was a blood relative who was a match. Seth hadn't had any blood relatives. They'd passed away.

Rocky remembered the multiple ancestry searches he'd done, hoping to find someone who was related to his boy, even if it was a distant relative. Each search had proven the same. Seth had no one left.

Rocky had done everything in his power to make Seth's final days happy. They'd gone to Ireland because Seth had always wanted to go. He'd pushed Seth's chair along cobbled paths and they'd marveled at the green countryside. They'd laughed about it being fake because it was much too brilliant of a color to be real.

Rocky had taken leave from his security job and they'd gone camping in the woods among trees so massive they'd seemed prehistoric. They'd visited the beach where he'd helped Seth build a massive sandcastle, both of them laughing merrily at how ugly it had been.

Rocky had given Seth every minute of every day that they were home in Little space. He'd cooked and cleaned, he'd spent time with Seth, playing with toys together and coloring pictures. Rocky had taken every chance to be with his Little boy as much as he possibly could. He'd taken care of him in intimate ways, and made sure that Seth knew he was loved beyond reason.

When the end had come, and hospice had entered the picture, Rocky hadn't let them do anything beyond control medications. Rocky wasn't about to let anyone else take care of his boy. No one else would be changing his diapers or bathing his frail skin. No one but Rocky would be feeding Seth, or holding Seth's head as he was sick.

Rocky let out a sob when the casket settled into the bottom of the grave, which opened the floodgates. Once loosed, the sounds of his grief echoed in the trees surrounding the graveyard. There was no longer a way to be stoic. He lost the ability to hold himself upright. He sank to his knees, leaned over the edge of the hole in the ground as tears fell steadily onto the white surface below.

So much of Rocky wanted to dive in there with his boy. They were meant to be together forever. How could the world be so cruel as to give him his forever love and take him away a short ten years later. They hadn't had enough time. Rocky hadn't had enough time.

Dropping a yellow rose into the grave because yellow had been Seth's favorite color, Rocky continued to kneel and stare at the white casket. He couldn't bring himself to walk away. He couldn't abandon his boy to the dark abyss. Seth was afraid of the dark. He was meant to comfort Seth and soothe his fears. What kind of Daddy would he be if he left Seth to face the darkness alone?

"I'm here, baby boy. Daddy's here."

Even as the thought flitted through his mind, he wondered if Seth was here. Could Seth hear him? Would Seth know how he'd fallen apart?

Maybe if he stayed knelt there long enough, if Seth got scared enough, he'd pop out of that god-forsaken grave. Maybe, if Rocky closed his eyes tight enough, he'd hear Seth telling him it had all been one terrible dream, that he wasn't really gone.

Maybe Rocky would wake up the next morning with his arms around his sweet boy. Maybe he'd find Seth with his naturally tan skin gleaming and glowing with happiness, no longer gray and ashy. Maybe he'd see Seth's eyes shining with laughter and joy, not dulled with despair. Maybe he'd find Seth to be lithe, strong, and muscled once again, no longer bony and frail.

If only he could wake from this nightmare. Or, if nothing else, if only he could do it over again. He'd spend more time with Seth and less on deployment. He would have retired from the Army sooner, and never re-upped while Seth was in his life. He'd find Seth sooner. Search him out and give them more time. He'd do the things with Seth that he always wanted to do when Seth was strong enough to enjoy them as any Little boy should. There were so many things Rocky would change if he could just be given another try.

Rocky was pulled from his thoughts as the first shovels of dirt were tossed over the casket, the thudding sound causing him to jump as the clumps and grains scattered over the casket's surface. The debris following the carnage. Suddenly, Rocky wanted out of there. He couldn't watch as they buried his boy, tossing dirt over him as if he hadn't been the brightest thing in this world.

Tears continued to stream from Rocky's eyes, and he knew he shouldn't be driving but he had to get away, as far away from the graveyard as he could. He sent up a silent prayer of thanks when he pulled into the driveway of the home he'd shared with Seth.

Rocky walked slowly to the door, subconsciously knowing how he'd react to what he found. As he unlocked and opened the door, the smell of antiseptic and death assailed him. His initial instinct was to run. Despite the length of time that those smells had been ever-present in their house, Rocky had yet to become accustomed to them. His stomach turned but he tried to push through it, heading to their bedroom, intent on getting some sleep. As soon as he entered the door of their room and found all the little bits of Seth, he couldn't take it anymore. The smells of Seth's death, blending with the reminders of Seth's life were just too much.

Sobbing in earnest, Rocky grabbed a bag, loaded it with everything he could carry, grabbed a photo from his nightstand and a stuffy from the bed and headed for his bike. He had to get away. Rocky swiped the tears still falling from his eyes, fired up his Harley and headed east. He didn't know where he was going or when he'd be back, but he needed to find healing and that wouldn't happen in this small town.