Chapter Eight - Rex

A son. I was having a son. Despite my thoughts whirring about like crazy, and my anxiety over sudden, unexpected parenthood making me dizzy, I was strangely excited by the news. And, as I'd told Damon, I would have been equally happy if he had said it was a girl, too.

It was like learning that extra information had made it all the more real. Having just held Beck's kids, I could vividly imagine cradling my own in my arms. While I'd never thought it was something that I wanted, I couldn't deny that I was rapidly warming to the idea. Then the little critter had started kicking, and Damon had allowed me to feel it, and my conviction to stick around had cemented.

Yeah, I was doing it because I wanted to cowboy up. I wanted to do right by my kid, and also the man carrying him. But it was more than just the feeling of obligation that made me want to stay. It was instinct. Something deep inside of me yearned for it…and for more .

Damon was right, though: we didn't know each other. We might have been connected for the rest of our lives through the kid we'd made, but even if my new urges said otherwise, that wasn't any reason to try and initiate one of those bond things I'd just learned about. In fact, to do so without talking it through would be crazy. To do so without trying to date first would be even crazier.

I hadn't meant to put the idea out there so soon after just agreeing to take things at his pace but cuddling him so intimately seemed to make my inhibitions disappear, and that urge inside me to make him mine was becoming more and more insistent.

I needed to get a handle on that. Feeling possessive unnerved me. But that was my baby in his belly and the thought of him potentially moving on to someone else —not that there was anyone else in the picture at the moment— made me want to hiss and growl. Literally . That had to be the shifter thing manifesting, right? I wasn't actually going insane.

Oh, God, I really hoped I wasn't going insane.

Eventually, Damon started to drift off to sleep in my embrace.

"I'm gonna go," I told him, ignoring the voice at the back of my head which demanded I stay and snuggle with him all night long. "But," I picked his phone up from where it sat on the lone bedside table and passed it to him, "unlock it so I can put my number in. Just in case you need anything. And I mean anything . You wake up at some ungodly hour craving pickles and ice cream, and I'll bring 'em."

"You've changed your tune pretty quickly, haven't you?" he asked, his voice slurred with sleep, unlocking his phone and handing it to me as requested. "It's okay. You can still be freaked out. It took me a while to," he paused to yawn, blinking rapidly, "to, um, to get used to the idea."

"I'm sure I'll go back to panicking when I'm alone again," I admitted lightly, "but it doesn't change the fact that this is happening. You're…you're pregnant," I swallowed roughly and forced myself to continue, "with my kid. I wanna take care of you. Both of you."

"You're sweet," he yawned again, closing his eyes.

"Looks like I'm not the only one changin' his tune quickly, hmm?" I mused, more to myself than to him. He made a vague, muffled sound of agreement and rolled onto his side, facing the window with his back to me. Once again, I had to fight the urge to crawl back into bed beside him and spoon against him like I had just been doing for God-only-knew how long.

Be patient , I told myself, it'll come.

It was a pity that I'd never really been good at being patient.

Setting Damon's phone back down on his bedside table, I pulled his blankets up over him and then made my way to the door, twisting the lock on the handle before I shut it behind me. I tested that it was locked properly before I made my way down the hallway and the narrow flight of stairs which led to the ground floor.

Leaving the building, I just about had a heart attack when the shadows moved and spoke in a low, dry voice, "Well, it didn't take you long to patch things up, did it?"

Clutching my chest, I glared into the darkness, Beck's shape coming into focus as my eyes adjusted to the lack of light. "Please don't tell me you've been sittin' out here for the past couple of hours. That's creepy, man."

He chuckled and stepped forward, shaking his head. "I promised Ollie I'd check up on Damon. He's new to the pack, but he's one of us now. And with his condition… "

I bristled at the idea of someone else watching out for my pregnant mate, then did a double take at my own inner monologue. Mate? I wondered, concerned at how natural the word felt when, even as late as this morning, I never would have thought it part of my vocabulary. Mine?

I'd been in this tiny town for less than twenty-four hours and I was being confronted by more shifter instincts than I had in the six months I'd spent avoiding even thinking about what I really was deep down inside.

"He's fine," I replied gruffly, trying to be grateful that my… no , that Damon had someone else looking out for him. "He's sleeping."

Beck nodded, seemingly unruffled by my curt response. "Ollie slept a lot, too. Growing whole other people inside them takes a lot of energy."

I didn't know what else to say other than, "Mmhmm."

Beck's lips twitched and he observed me knowingly, tilting his head to the side. Instead of asking any probing questions about my feelings on the insanity of the day's events, or even about my intentions with Damon, he asked, "Wanna try shifting?"

"Uh…"

"I just figured it might be easier for you without an audience."

His statement reminded me that he had been in my shoes not all that long ago. Even though he seemed so at ease with being a part of this strange new world, there had been a time where it had been new to him, too.

Nevertheless, I shook my head, ignoring the voice inside me that begged to try. Some part of me felt trapped, restrained, inhibited. I was terrified of what releasing it might mean for me. Would I lose the sense of who I was? Would I become more animal than man? Where did the line between the two beings begin and end?

"Can we talk?" I asked instead. "About when all of this happened to you? I just…" I paused, licking my lips as I considered my phrasing carefully. "I just need some answers. Reassurance, even. I know that you're happy with Ollie and you seem settled into life as a shifter, but…"

"It's scary," Beck finished kindly. "I get it. Not to mention, I had nine months of lead-up before the kids were born. You're only getting three or four."

"Yeah…" Panic, which had receded while I was in a happy, relaxed bubble with Damon, made my heart thump wildly. It had been so easy to get lost in a fantasy of domestic bliss when I'd been in Damon's bed, locked away from the outside world. But now, reality was setting back in.

It was like my brain was on a roller coaster, dipping and swerving and doing loop-de-fucking-loops over the subject of my impending fatherhood. I was giving myself whiplash.

The fantasy was all well and good, but in reality? I knew nothing about raising babies. I was a forty-two-year-old perpetually single gay man who had never planned to settle down. I didn't have a house, let alone a crib or any other baby-related items. I'd never even gotten a dog because it was too much responsibility!

Suddenly, I realized that I would need to organize somewhere to live with the space for a small boy to grow. There would be education to consider, too. Clothing, food, social activities…pets?

Did shifters even bother owning pets when they were able to turn into animals themselves? And, hey, did any of 'em ever moonlight as pets? Like, say, if they were house cats or regular dogs?

Fighting the urge to pull out my phone and Google ‘how do I know if my cat is a shifter?', I got the feeling I was overthinking things. Or maybe I was just trying to distract myself.

Three months didn't feel that long. How was I supposed to brace myself for fatherhood in such a short amount of time? God, I'd only just told Damon that I wanted to date him, to see if we could work towards being a family, but now I was feeling the urge to run again. To flee and not look back, just like I did the night I met him. The night we conceived our son.

No .

No, I was not going to be a coward. Not again.

While I hadn't planned on seeing Damon again, I'd gone crawling back to him the second I'd gotten a chance. Instinct had told me to, just like instinct was telling me to grow up and accept the changes coming my way.

"Come on," Beck led me to where his truck was parked behind mine on the street, "let's head back up to the house and we can talk, alpha to alpha."

* * *

Sitting at Beck's dining table with a plate full of homemade spaghetti and meatballs and a tall glass of ice-cold beer, I felt strangely at home. I hadn't felt that way since my teens; before I'd come out to my adoptive parents. And, even back then, I'd never felt as though I fit in properly. But in Shifters Sanctuary, at Beckett Smith's dining table, I honestly felt like I belonged.

He'd just begun regaling me with his thoughts on discovering he wasn't human when Ollie entered the room, dropping into his fiancé's lap. Beck rubbed Ollie's back and nuzzled his face into the crook of his neck, over Ollie's mating mark.

Quickly avoiding being caught watching, I looked back at my half-eaten dinner and twirled my fork in my pasta, watching red flecks of sauce spin off the strands of tasty goodness.

"Kids asleep?" Beck asked, and Ollie hummed in answer.

"Yeah. Duke fought me on it, but he eventually went down."

"You should get some sleep," Beck murmured, his voice filled with a mixture of emotions that made my chest ache. "I'll take the first wake-up call."

I cast them a sideways glance, feeling like an intruder on their intimate moment.

"Don't be too late coming to bed," Ollie instructed. "You know I sleep better when you're with me."

I was going to get cavities from all the sweetness.

Beck chuckled softly. "I won't, baby. I promise."

I looked back down at my plate as they kissed chastely, vaguely registering Ollie sliding back off Beck's lap. Ollie ignored me as he left the room, and Beck sighed.

"He'll come around," he told me, even though I hadn't said anything. "He's just protective of Damon. They're close in age, and he feels like he could have been in Damon's situation, you know?"

I winced. "It's not like I knew I could knock him up." Swallowing roughly, I gave up the pretense of continuing with my meal. What little I had eaten was sitting heavily in my gut. "Sure, I should have used a condom anyway, but—"

"I get it. The whole mating heat and rut thing is no joke," Beck grinned wryly. "Your instincts take over and, hey presto, instant family."

"But you stuck around with Ollie. I ran the second my knot went away. "

"True," Beck shrugged and sat back in his seat, fiddling with the edge of the cork coaster that sat beneath his empty glass. "I was scared out of my mind, though," he confessed. "I do wonder if we hadn't accidentally bonded, whether I might have made a different choice."

Considering how deeply in love he and Ollie seemed to be, that admission surprised me. "Really?"

He nodded. "I thought about running and not looking back. But I could feel his emotions. His proximity through the bond. That's what stopped me. I was freaking the ever-loving-fuck out, but I didn't know how to sever the bond —or if we even could— and I didn't know what would happen, or if it would hurt either of us if I ran away."

It might have made me a really shitty person, but I felt better hearing that. It made my own decision to turn tail feel less cowardly.

"How does that bond stuff work, anyhow? Doesn't it get tiring or confusing feeling two lots of thoughts or emotions or whatever?"

Beck nodded and swirled his glass, watching the dregs of foamy amber spinning around. "It took a lot of getting used to. After I got used to shifting, I found it easier to manipulate the sharing of the emotional and physical sensations. We, uh," his cheeks turned pink, "we've had some fun with that, too."

It took me a couple of seconds to cotton on before my jaw dropped. "Hold up. You use it for sex?"

"Sometimes." Beck cleared his throat. "There have to be some benefits, too, right? But that all came over time. It…it's kind of like the bond is sentient, I guess? It evolved with our relationship. Now, it feels as natural to me as shifting. Like an invisible limb or something. "

"And shifting feels natural to you?" I struggled to wrap my head around the concept. "Even though you've only known you were a shifter for…what? Just over a year?"

"I can't explain it, but the first time I shifted, it felt like I was coming home. Like my body and my mind just knew that I was always meant to have a wolf form." He cocked his head and looked me up and down seriously. "Haven't you felt the urge to try it?"

Shaking my head, I answered, "Nope."

Except that was a lie. The longer I left it, the more the little voice at the back of my thoughts demanded that I needed to try. I'd done well to ignore it in the months on the road, working odd jobs in every town I stopped, keeping myself as physically exhausted as possible. But coming to Shifters Sanctuary had seemingly given those shifter urges a shot of adrenaline, and it was getting harder to silence the nagging voice that told me to embrace who I really was inside.

You're going to have a son, it said. A shifter son. You'll need to be ready for that.

The voice wasn't wrong. How would I be able to properly raise my own kid if that kid had the ability to turn into a mountain lion? It sounded ridiculous, but I was suddenly afraid that my kid would turn himself into a big cat and run away or, in a tantrum, maul me. Images of a rebellious little boy with Damon's hair and my eyes manifested in my head, rapidly followed by a vision of that same little boy turning into a large cat and climbing up a very tall tree where I had no hope of reaching him.

Taking another long sip from my beer, I asked, "When do kids start shifting for the first time?"

Beck smirked as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. Considering he had been in a similar position, albeit with more time to wrap his head around the concept, maybe he did. "Apparently it's not until they're about five or so. Ollie said something about nature taking over once they're mentally ready for it? I don't know. I'm just glad I'm not going to walk into the nursery to find my kids are suddenly wolf cubs. I have enough trouble diapering them as they are."

The petulant grumble he ended on had me chuckling. The mental image of big, broad Beckett trying to wrestle a diaper onto a bundle of fur was too much for my overloaded brain, and I found myself laughing harder than the situation warranted.

"What's so amusing in here?" a new voice asked as I calmed down and caught my breath, and I turned to face the newcomer.

There was a petite woman leaning against the timber archway that separated the kitchen/dining area from the hallway that opened out into the grand staircase and living room. Her hair was cut into a pixie cut, colored bright red, and she was wearing a plaid mini skirt over thick black leggings, as well as a warm-looking black sweater.

"Hey, you're back," Beck greeted the newcomer with genuine affection, pushing from his seat to gather the much smaller woman into a hug. "You've been missed."

"I was gone for less than a week," she chuckled, disentangling herself from the embrace. "Micah says hi, by the way."

Beck's smile dimmed a little. "He's still not interested in coming out here?"

The look the woman shot him asked if he was crazy. With her eyebrows almost at her hairline, she said, "You really think the country life is the life for him?" She turned her attention to me and explained, "Micah's a makeup artist and a bit of a glambot. His whole life is fame and fashion."

"I…have no idea who you're talkin' about," I responded. Then, remembering my manners, I also pushed my chair back and stood, turning to face her with my hand extended. "Rex Murphy, ma'am."

"Sandy," she replied, taking my hand and giving it a shake. Then she sniffed the air and blinked in surprise, turning her attention back to Beck. "Another alpha?" More blinking and a small gasp, followed by a perfectly manicured red fingernail aimed at my nose. "You're the one who knocked Damon up?"

Jesus, did everyone in this town know my business?

"You'll have to forgive my sister," Beck cut in before I could tell this Sandy woman to get back in her own lane, "she's also protective of our newest pack member."

"Yeah, well, we've established the fact that I made some piss-poor decisions when my entire world got upended," I grumbled. "And if I'd known that I'd left Damon in a…uh… delicate situation, I'd have made things right a long time ago."

Sandy snorted.

"Sandy," Beck's tone had turned into one of warning. There was a tingle of something in the air. It was undefinable, but it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

Sandy sighed and gave her brother an incredulous look. "Really? You're going to Alpha me?"

"I thought we were calling it compelling?" Beck shrugged off the question.

"That sounds like something out of a nineties vampire novel," she shot back, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, whatever we're calling it, you're going to use those powers on me?"

"Rex is our guest," Beck stood firm. "You remember how panicked I was when everything happened with Ollie?" Sandy's expression softened and she nodded. Beck relaxed as well, gesturing in my direction as he continued, "Good. So then you'll have a bit more compassion for someone else going through the same shit."

His sister sighed and conceded, "You're right. I just can't help it. Damon's been through a lot and I—"

"Collect strays, yeah, I know." Beck laughed softly. "But Rex is also a stray, San. Give him a chance before you get all growly, okay?"

"Fine." Sandy agreed, then turned her attention back to me. She had the grace to look mildly sheepish. "I apologize, Rex. I tend to get a little defensive of the people I care about."

It made me smile to think that Damon, who had only been in town a week or so, had already made such a strong connection with these people. I couldn't blame them: I'd been just as drawn to the feisty younger man when we had met. He was unintentionally charismatic. Hell, the fact that I'd gone from panicking to wanting to date the guy within a few hours was clue enough that it was nearly impossible to dislike him.

"It's all good," I told her with a thankful grin. "I'm glad he's got a whole town looking out for him."

"Well, I'm glad you give a shit," she replied.

I couldn't help but appreciate how direct she was. In that moment, despite the rocky start, I decided I liked her.

Having diffused the tension, Beck reached out and clasped my shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "Finish your dinner, then turn in for the night. Try to get some sleep. Tomorrow, we'll talk about shifting."

I nodded, even though I was still anxious about it.

But I guessed I couldn't put it off forever. Especially not if I planned on settling in Shifters Sanctuary…and that was looking more inevitable with each passing minute.