Chapter Seven

CHAPTER SEVEN

Jessie

Istare up at the ceiling, having an out-of-body experience.

No, that’s not quite right. I’m definitely in my body. I can feel the soreness between my legs and the lingering strain in my calves from all the toe curling I did earlier. My vocal cords feel the trauma of screaming, so yes, I’m in my body. But I might as well be floating up around Jupiter or Mars. Did I really just have sex with Ryan?

Not just sex, though. Based on the conversations I’ve overheard at the hair salon, sex is usually so-so for the woman. There are a lot of toys involved in the female orgasm. Or so I thought. Ryan didn’t need any of that. Just his tongue, his fingers and…

His footlong.

I’m suddenly craving a sandwich.

Focus, Jessie.

Right, I’ve just slept with my best friend. Without a condom. And I think…I think I want to do it again, as soon as humanly possible. Like I’m kind of forcing myself not to roll Ryan on his back and find out if I’m a good cowgirl.

Before I do any of that, though, I should probably have a little talk with myself about his, ahem. Admitted stalking habits. Mainly, why does it turn me on? For someone who likes to keep their own personal space and share very little about themselves, I grow decidedly hot thinking of Ryan watching me when I’m not aware. Or ejaculating in his pants without me knowing, simply from witnessing me do the most mundane things.

Obsessed.

His own word choice.

Maybe I like not being given a choice. He’s not going anywhere. He can’t. He’s obsessed with me. And God, with every passing moment, I grow a little obsessed with him, too.

His scent swarms around me now, warm and masculine and musky. His strong arm bands around my waist possessively, his leg hair ticking my calf. Slowly, I turn my head and look him over. The rough angle of his chin, the sexy stubble, the sexuality of his mouth—which, how did I not notice that before now? My gaze skates over his muscular shoulders and sturdy neck. I can’t believe he’s honed his body into a powerhouse…for me.

My nipples stiffen in the cool air, my pulse fluttering in my neck.

I think I need to distance myself just a tad from the god that is my best friend while I’m coming to terms with my decisions. He’s way too distracting.

As carefully as possible, I slide out from beneath his arm and get out of bed, padding soundlessly out of the bedroom. The red dress is still bunched around my waist and I hoist it up now, chuckling to myself over how little it covers. I poke through the takeout bag and find a mini baguette to munch on—I do my best thinking when I eat—and I ponder my situation.

In so many words, I’ve agreed to be Ryan’s…girlfriend.

And possibly a mother, since we didn’t use a condom and he came inside me for at least five straight minutes. This possibility should scare me a lot more than it does, but this is Ryan. Ryan is my rock. Today he was my hero. Not to mention, I’ve always had a secret wish to try and give a child a better youth than the one I had. Granted I assumed it would be through the Big Sister program, but hey, now is the time to adapt.

To change.

Take a leap.

With Ryan.

Goosebumps travel down the entire length of me just thinking about him. How resourceful he was today, when saving me at the robbery. How he’s proven how well he knows me. How understanding he is about my skittishness and…how commanding he was in bed.

I take a bracing breath and set down the baguette, ready to go back to the bedroom. Earlier, I told Ryan I wanted to be with him, but I said that mostly so he would cave and make love to me. Now my whole heart is invested. I want to try and have something real, something committed, with him.

Excitement bubbles in my chest and I make a quick bee-line to the kitchen drawers, planning on unearthing matches so I can light the candles…

What I find instead makes my breath catch in my throat.

It’s a black velvet box with a diamond ring inside.

Blood rushing in my ears, I drop it on the counter. Oh my God. It’s an engagement ring.

Familiar panic floods me and I back away from the counter, knocking into one of the chairs. I just got used to the idea of being his girlfriend—the idea of trying—and now I find this, the proof that he wants me to be his wife. Now. Now, before I’ve even confirmed I’m any good at being in a romantic relationship. Did he bring the ring with him? Or has it been sitting here since last year or the year before?

I rub at my throat and turn in a circle, eyeing the front door.

I can’t do this. It’s too much too soon.

Ryan was right, I’m freaking out. He knew I would. I should go into the bedroom, wake him up and let him calm me down, but do I want that? Do I want to be talked out of the cold logic I’ve always leaned on?

The car keys catch my eye on the kitchen table where Ryan left them—and the temptation to embrace the fear and run proves too much.

I snatch the keys up and jog for the door.

The longer I’vebeen away from Ryan, the emptier I feel.

When I got into the rental car, I had convinced myself running was the right thing to do, but now, a few hours later, I couldn’t feel more wrong. I wish I could go back in time and crawl into bed beside his strong body and kiss him awake.

Instead, I drove straight to our apartment, changed my clothes, and went to his closet, my mind on one track. Finish what I started that morning and retrieve the money my mother needs. Never mind that I couldn’t stop crying as took the money out of the shoeboxes. Or that I found dozens of pictures of me taped to the wall of Ryan’s closet.

Me smiling, working, jogging, buying coffee. He really has been stalking me.

But there was something so warm about the shots he captured. They weren’t clinical or creepy, they were packed full of yearning. Yearning I understand now, because my chest is full of it for Ryan. But I’ve chosen to squander the future he offered me in favor of living in the past, didn’t I?

It’s nighttime on Valentine’s Day now and I’m sitting outside of the motel room where my mother is staying, a grocery bag filled with money on the passenger seat beside me. If I had my cell phone with me, I know Ryan would be calling me non-stop. Oh man, I would give anything to hear his voice right now. That deep, steady drawl.

Feeling as if my feet are caked in cement, I drag the money off the seat and climb out of the car, knocking on my mother’s door a moment later. She answers immediately, a cigarette perched in the corner of her lips. She only spares me a quick glance before her gaze searches out the money. When she spies it in my hand, only then does she grow welcoming.

“Well, now. Come on in, sweetheart.” She steps back and beckons me to join her in the motel room. “I missed you. I thought you’d forgotten about me.”

“No.” I smile weakly. “I didn’t.”

Normally, I would want to linger with my mother and remind myself why I keep to myself, emotionally and physically. Right now, however, all I can think about is getting out of there. I should let Ryan know I’m okay, at the very least. I should make sure he found a way home from the cabin, since I took the only vehicle. God, I’m the worst best friend in history.

What if this is the final straw and he gives up on me?

“Um…” My voice cracks as I hand my mother the bag. “This should be enough to cover your prescriptions for the next year.”

Her crack of delighted laughter makes me jump. She grabs the bag and peers inside, setting it on the bed beside…what looks like a designer purse and a plane ticket. “Thanks, Jessie. I know I can always count on you.”

I point at the ticket. “Where are you going?” I ask through numb lips.

“Vegas for a while.” She waves her hands like it’s no big deal. “I have some friends out there I haven’t seen in a while.”

“Really,” I say in a hollow tone. “You told me you couldn’t even afford medication. But you can afford a trip to Vegas? Helping you out would have made me late on rent this month…” Which is why I tried to knock over a convenience store. “At least until I found out…until I came into some cash—”

“You came into some cash?” My mother perks up. “How much?” She pokes at the grocery bag. “Is this all you can spare?”

No, it’s not. There were four shoeboxes full of money and I only brought the contents of one. And I start to feel guilty over that fact until Ryan’s words come back to me, filling my ear as if he’s standing beside me.

I think your weaknesses are actually what make you strong. Compassion. Loyalty. Bravery. You just have to know when to say enough. That’s it, princess.

“Enough,” I say firmly, surprised by the sound of my own voice. But it grows stronger. “I’ve given you enough, mother. Thank you for protecting me when I was a child, but…if you come back here and ask me for another dime, the answer will be no.” I point at the bag. “This is the last time.”

A minute later, I leave my stunned mother behind me and walk out of the motel room with a weight gone from my shoulders. Without Ryan to remind me I’m a strong human being, I would have lived with the weight of responsibility forever.

Ryan.

I’m so sorry.

But I’m not hopeless. No, right now, I can do anything I set my mind to.

And I know exactly what I have to do.